TW SUICIDE
i’m kinda just throwing this out in the void, i don’t really plan on taking myself off anon because of past experiences
i know i’ve had ocd or at least intrusive thoughts for a while, at least 16/17 (i’m 21 now). i had people tell me that had them too that it didn’t mean i was a bad person, and that i didn’t want to act on them. i was doing ok with them for a while until i told the wrong people online
essentially people tried to write callouts for me on social media/try to doxx me/send suicide baits. it got so bad that i did actually attempt, although it was pretty half assed (handful of pills washed down with vodka). i put myself into a php a few days later with the sole intention of working on my thoughts, only for them to immediately try to hospitalize me the second i said anything. obviously i shut down and didn’t work with them at all, i was in the troubled teen industry and quite literally got left inside of a psych ward alone locked into the day room for 40 minutes
for about a year? maybe more people constantly tried to prove i was a pedophile. any “weird” interaction i had with anyone younger than me, having interest in fandom/shipping/sexual interest in minor characters (i was 17 so honestly a non issue regardless), even posting anime figures at one point people told me was “proof”. i would try to tell them i had this form of OCD, and that would make them tell me to kill myself even harder, like it was proof i jerked off to children or something. i constantly tried to remake my social media and people chased me everywhere i went, it took me deleting everything for a year and completely cutting off almost everyone i knew to get rid of it. it damaged me so much, i relapsed (self harm) multiple times because of it, and the other violent intrusive thoughts got worse during it. i believe people started to attempt to doxx me as well but weren’t very good at it thank god
i don’t struggle with the POCD as much anymore, but my harm OCD is really bad. i also have dissociative identity disorder, and i have an alter who has latched on specifically to the POCD so badly i refuse to let him front because i’m terrified he’s going to hurt someone. he’s threatened to do it, and boasted about liking it/hurting me as “punishment” for existing i guess. constantly i get flashbacks that my brain tries to fix, and i get stuck in this loop of these flashbacks, violent thoughts, and trying to “fix” them. i’ve tried to accept them but then my alters just tell me i’m a horrible person and it reflects onto me, or the other alters consistently have to remind me it’s not my fault and i can’t control them/it’s just a disorder. i hate falling asleep because it’s all i ever think about then it feels like. cant really go on trains, i had therapists almost encouraging the behavior by telling me just not to go to doctors when i’d have rumination about not being listened to/blown off/medical malpractice for my disabilities. i’m at least a little better now with my health and sticking up for myself, but it feels like the violent thoughts are never gonna end and it’s just some kind of cruel joke for me existing wrong, like i have all this trauma, literally multiple disorders mental and physical because of it, and my brain will never let me be happy. it has to remind me of my suffering constantly and that 12-15 year old me somehow couldn’t prevent my medical/other traumas and it’s AlL mY fAuLt. not to mention the constant fear that if i talk about this i’ll be locked away forever, like i literally was as a child, and how it quite literally was validated the second i tried to at first. i want help, but help feels like risking my sanity, freedom, and identity as a human being and i fucking hate that.
thanks for reading if you do, and i’m really interested to know if anyone else on here is a troubled teen / residential “survivor” i guess. this is only to corrupt, abusive facilities, not ones that actually help people as ik there are some good ones out there. i just didn’t get to go to those. 🫠🫠
