Venting and trying not to look for reassurance.

Just sorta to vent and maybe get advice… I normally struggle with OCD and other MH/ medical issues.. I’ve sorta become acclimated to the stress, pain, mind games, and constant perfectionism. I thought I had it under control but this OCD has just been creeping back in small ways over time. I’ve caught myself doing behaviors and not feeling able to stop it. (This is combo of OCD but not sure how to categorize it all) - compulsively counting body movements til it’s the right number and feeling - adjusting papers/rewritten notes numerous times - irrational thoughts of my new pup being dead when I check on her - irrational thoughts that I don’t love my partner or he doesn’t love me after almost 10 years - every plate, cup, utensil has to be properly inspected before being able to use it - food can not have day of expiration (or even close to it) or a weird look or smell = it is inedible - recent close call accident led to dread driving and constant thoughts of a crash even though I did what I could and didn’t crash The list just keeps going.. but it has simply been a struggle that has lead me to feeling self conscious, unprofessional, childish, ashamed, and crazy. It’s a hard thing to accept that this has begun to return after finding ways to cope and manage in the past. I am struggling with finding ways to cope with it all cuz it is constantly disturbing my relationship, work, and personal well being Well that’s my truth for the day

venting cause im tired of this: sorry for yelling it’s for emphasis, HAVE ANY OF MY FREAKOUTS CAUSED BY OCD ACTUALLY HELPED ME?? PROBABLY NOT? (no seriously they havnt this is exposure therapy now I ain’t reassuring myself) HAVE THEY MADE ME SLEEP DEPRIVED? YES HAVE THEY MADE MY HANDS CRACK AND BLEED FOR YEARS? YES (ouch currently can’t even move my hands without them cracking open) HAVE THEY MADE ME TAKE WAY TO MANY SHOWERS TO THE POINT MY HAIR IS LIKE STRAW? YES HAVE THEY MADE ME LOST WITHIN MY SELF AND RUIN RELATIONSHIPS? YES :( HAVE THEY MADE ME AVOID AREAS OF MY NICE HOME? YES (double sucks cause i only moved late last year) legit in the last couple of months i thought i had could have tetanus, insecticide poisoning, mould in my hair and bed, that somehow bleach and alcohol or ammonia got mixed and i made a toxic gas (I don’t even own bleach etc) thrown out towels and clothes and so so much more. just wtf is ocd, why? Why does it do this?? Surely people without ocd are just wondering what they’ll have for lunch or something?? NOT OMG ITS GOT MOULD ITS SPREAD EVERYWHERE. I’m so tired, just want to live life without being terrified all the time. Please join in with what you’re over with when it comes to OCD, it’s good to vent sometimes.

I’m new to treatment and only realized I have OCD a few months ago. I went through a tough and abusive marriage and ended up getting divorced. I had my first panic attack several years ago and ended up needing to go on Lexapro. This helped me significantly and allowed me to leave my partner. Several years later and I decided to stop Lexapro because I thought I was good to go. I’m in a very healthy relationship, have a great job, friends/family, go to the gym and have a wonderful life. It’s been about a year off the meds and I’ve had some panic, but I’ve been able to manage it. For some reason, the last three weeks has been really difficult for me. I have different spirals and different thought processes: what if I’m schizophrenic? What if I have a deeper mental disorder? What if I hurt someone? What if I need to leave my partner? What if I end up becoming so depressed that I end up hurting myself? My brain just goes from one what if to the next and once I conquer one, the next one pops up with even more intensity. I started taking NAC and inositol and I’m taking saffron during the day because I really don’t wanna go on back on medication but sometimes my thoughts scare me and I’m convinced that I’m not gonna get better and I know that’s just the OCD loop, but I’m wondering if this resonates with anyone else!