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i’m scared if i’m dying or if i have a tumor my side head hurts on my left and it feels like something is crawling on my head and my eye kinda hurts idk what to do help.

Hey everyone I’m looking for advice/ support from anyone else who may be going through or experienced something similar. This may be a long post so thank you to whoever actually reads it all x So recently (a few months ago) I started looking into OCD as I learnt what it really was, and a lot of it resonated with me. An example is when I was younger I struggled a lot with obsessing over god and became extremely religious at the age of 7 leading to extreme praying every night and feeling this immense weight of being a good person and I needed to pray to make sure I was. I don’t struggle with this anymore but as I have looked more into OCD there is so many things I experience that I have thought are normal or just my anxiety or ADHD. I regularly cancel out my horrific intrusive thoughts with ‘good’ thoughts to make sure I’m not a terrible person and I want to do or think those things. I have an extreme obsession with being a good and morally right person, so much so that I have had to quit my job (I am still in school) as I was so terrified that if I went I would say or do something and people would view me as a bad person. The same thing happened at school, I barely ever went and if I did it was usually after a panic attack. This was also caused by feeling like if I went something bad would happen to my family at home and I would be responsible because I wasn’t there. Every night I have to ruminate and step through every thing I may have said or done that could make me a bad person and it usually ends it lots of ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybe i did something terrible and i just forgot’. I have tried opening up to my mum (i am only 16) and i had a therapist who specialised in OCD for a few sessions but it was online and i hated it. It is so clear to me that my mum doesn’t think I have it. Every behaviour that i say could be OCD she always says it could just be ADHD which just sends me into a further spiral of ‘i am a bad person because im lying and i dont really have OCD’ so now I can’t talk to anyone about it over this constant thought that i am lying. Even when I was 7 at a psychologist they said I had OCD tendencies but she brushed it off as my anxiety. She tells me she doesn’t know enough about it to understand why I think I have it but she’s not doing anything to learn more. I have sent her numerous articles and things I resonate with but she never reads them. Even with the OCD therapist we did a assessment/ form thing where I filled out how much I related to the OCD symptoms and my mum did one how much she thought I related to them. I scored super high on it for OCD symptoms and she literally said she didn’t think I related to more than one or two. That led me to learn about pure O ocd as a lot of my compulsions are in my head or not seen. Some examples are repeating certain numbers or phrases to cancel out intrusive thoughts in my head, avoidance of events where I could do something wrong or bad, struggling making even the smallest decisions over fear it wont be the ‘right’ one, constant worry over if im not ‘perfect’ (perfect grades, morals, behaviours)that im not adhering to the invisible moral code that determines if im good, frantically googling for hours what my intrusive thoughts mean and if they are thoughts a bad person has, signs I am a bad person, am I a psychopath etc. Another thing that has been happening recently thats more visible is i absolutely HAVE to speak out if one of my family members says something that I see as mean or morally incorrect and its like this guilty by association thing and it makes me spiral as I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they are good people too (i know it sounds crazy). It has led to a big argument with my mum where she yelled at me for being too “self-righteous” and thinking im “better than everyone because i have morals and that everyone else who is worse than me” and that she is sick of my lectures about her being “too mean” or a “bad person”. Honestly i didnt even know how to react to that. I felt so guilty because I know I do that I know I know but I know the guilt will consume me either way. It is honestly consuming me and I just wish for a day where I’m not policing every thought and behaviour of mine. Sorry for that very long rant but hoping that someone can give their thoughts if they have gone through the same thing or have any advice for what to do ❤️❤️❤️

It was making me think I was viewing my girlfriend as only a platonic friend and making it feel like it too... i like her romantically... and I want to be with her always... Its also making me feel like i'm not attracted to her when i am and always want to be... it makes it feel like i have no feelings for her at all... Its also giving me these "fantasies" in my head of what life would look like after we break up... i dont want to break up with her... Today i was at catholic mass and i teared up watching her sing and talking about how beautiful and amazing she was. it was making me feel like i physically didn't have feelings for her the whole time though... And now im with her and its making me feel like im not attracted to her... i want to be with her and i want to date this girl... so bad... but its making me feel like I'm not attracted to her and i hate it... when im cuddling theres a little bit attraction feeling in my stomach... but it was making me feel like I wasn't attracted when I was with her and her parents the whole time...

A few days ago at my school someone brought a weapon and got arrested, nobody was hurt (physically) but it really shook me up. I KNEW the person who brought it and he didn’t like me at all. I keep having intrusive visions of him killing me, and I’m scared to go back to school. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Like how to not be so stressed over it

Is nausea normal with ROCD? I could literally just be on a video call with my bf and I’m nauseous. I’m not even thinking about anything specific/no intrusive thoughts. So why am I nauseous? The nausea itself leads to anxiety. Why am I nauseous. Do I not love him? I just wrote him a small love letter cuz he’s having a hard time. Even being with him physically makes me nauseous when it never used to. I love being around him. I love cuddling. Smelling him. Sorry that sounds weird lol. But even touching him in certain places (mostly his chest) makes me worry I’m actually a lesbian and it’s finally breaking through and the nausea is a sign but I don’t think that’s the case. Lesbians don’t like men at all. I do. I enjoy his company romantically. I wanna go watch the sunset with him. Kiss in the rain. Cuddle under the sheets while it snows. Etc. and I enjoy having sex with him. Him specifically. I like touching his body during it I like looking at him. I don’t want it to end once we get going. With my anxiety and ocd it’s hard getting in the mood. Even if I mentally want to my body is like “no” and my brain is like “see. You’re not turned on.” Which reinforces the cycle. This is my first long term relationship so idk what I should be feeling. It’s hard to picture the future cuz I’ve never had to plan one with someone. I can kinda see an apartment. How we share holidays (interfaith) having friends and family over. Maybe we’ll be where we are now. Maybe we’ll be in another country (I wanna go to med school, I’m applying anywhere lol. Except the US. Naur). But like. Specifics are hard. I just know I want to drag him along with me lol (lovingly, I want him to be there. He makes life easy). Maybe my birth control is playing into this. I don’t feel things as intensely anymore. I’ve had it for like a year now. Anyways. I wanna see what the future holds for us but im terrified im gonna like leave him at the altar or smthn or randomly fall out of love. Im worried I already have cuz I’ve been randomly angry, not at him more at his situation, plans get interrupted, Ik it’s out of his control. He literally cannot afford the 3 prescription meds he needs nor a cpap machine for his sleep apnea (love the man but lord he snores like a train😭😭😭). He always makes it up to me. If he didn’t then we’d be having a different convo. I’m not used to being in a state of calm in dating. I’ve never planned to get engaged till him. I’m worried I’m wanting to get married and engaged just to have those things not cuz I wanna be with him. How can I tell the difference?

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.

18+ UPDATE: I genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless...

contemplated whether or not i should post this a few times but ultimately i decided why not. this is pretty much just a yap session so feel free to completely skip this if you don’t want to read me complaining. apologies since my last few posts have been like this, i just have a lot on my mind. sooo i’m kinda fucked at the moment. i have like $15 to my name right now. mostly because i’ve just been spending money willy nilly and thinking nothing of it since i don’t really have bills other than a car payment. but now i literally can’t pay for my therapy. i have two separate therapists, a talk therapist and an ocd specialist, and i also have an appointment with someone soon to talk about autism testing. i’ve needed glasses for a couple months and i cant afford them now. i have to ask my parents to pay and that’s something i really didn’t want to ever have to do for my therapy because i feel like i’m burdening them already by still living with them and living on their insurance. they’re already scraping by as is and i wish i could help more. i mean i have a job and everything but i only get paid every other week and i’ve been using my student loan money and grants to get me by. i feel selfish for having spent my money on useless crap and then not doing much of anything around the home. the u.s. (and especially red states like where i live) are notoriously shitty when it comes to healthcare and whatnot. like a literally consultation appointment might break my bank. and on top of that i’m still in college and have plenty of classes to go, books to buy, and money to waste on something that i’m not even entirely sure will be fully worth it in the end, and i just found out i’m going to be there for a semester longer than anticipated. i’m so upset because i feel like at 20 i should be smarter with my money and just have my shit together. it’s also just embarrassing to spend so much money on mental health care, especially when it’s so stigmatized. like what’s wrong with me to need so much therapy and so much testing. i know that i’d probably lose my mind without therapy but i don’t know if i can afford it right now, which sucks because i was just starting with erp and already feeling good about it. i guess on a more serious note, i really wish that the state of the world wasn’t what it is now, not that it’s ever been necessarily good but still. being mentally ill in this economy literally just isn’t sustainable because its treated like a fault on our parts. and then we wonder why so many terrible things happen to/involving people that are so clearly mentally ill and aren’t able to get the help they need. we’re told our enemies are people in unfortunate positions who need assistance and not the ghouls consistently leeching off of vulnerable people. it breaks my heart and fills me with rage that people suffer so much because we live in a country that thinks basic needs and care aren’t rights worth upholding. i recognize i’m already in a position of immense privilege to have access to this care and not need it entirely to live but even in middle class, middle america, it’s hard. i’m not gonna go on to write a whole manifesto here but fuck it all feels a little hopeless at the moment.

Remembering some dumb stuff I have seen online or some dumb stuff I found and honestly I would say to someone else they mean nothing bad about that someone but my ocd is here “hmmm see evidence that you are a ped… or that you were one”. How do I deal with this?

Does anyone have a specific fear that feels too real? that it’s painful? I have been struggling with false memory OCD for almost 3 months, and this current thought that my brain has latched onto 4 days ago is the worst thought I have ever dealt with in my OCD. I am having constant breakdowns, it’s hard to sleep and find my appetite. I just keep feeling feelings throughout my body that make the thought feel like it does exist and that it is real. It’s worse especially if you deleted an old account that you can access anymore (which I did) and the thought has to do with “What if I sexted or flirted with someone and forgot?” Or “What if I sent or posted an explicit picture of myself on there and forgot?” I’m terrified. My body feels like it’s in panic mode and I keep getting scared that these feelings I have of guilt, anxiety, panic and worry means that it did happen. My OCD is trying so hard to convince me it did happen and I’m starting to believe it. I love my fiancé and the thought of this being true makes me feel like I’m the worst person ever. I wish I could just remember everything and say “No I would never do that, I know what happened and I’m not letting my brain tell me otherwise.” OCD is so convincing it feels like I can’t trust myself, and now I can’t even remember the memories about it at all because I thought about it so much. I hate thisss, I’m going to be trying to find a therapist soon.. but I’m starting to feel convinced it did happen and that I just blocked the memory out and that I’m just an awful person. The flashes and visuals I see of me committing the act make it so much worse, I’m genuinely terrified and i dont know what to do at this point. I know I’ve posted about this story a lot and I am doing my best to not ask for reassurance, but I know a lot of people deal with this theme, but I wanted to know if anyone has a theme like this that specifically deals with something along the lines of my story.

I read a post from a while ago where someone was scared bc they had friends straddle their lap or sit on them and it always made them aroused. Someone who commented said they dealt with that and SOOCD for 28 years and ended up being a lesbian. It made me immediately remember the time where I was in middle school and my best friend at the time was showing me some kind of martial arts move (more like straddling on the floor), sat on my groin area (like pubic bone), and I felt a tingle down there. I know for a fact I never was attracted to her. She was a great friend but I never once thought of her, my other friends, or other women in a sexual/romantic way. When it was happening I remember being super uncomfortable and stiff bc I’m not really a touchy person with my friends. Minus a couple of guy friends that I had (like my current bf) I would want them to touch me or want them to WANT to touch me if that makes sense. I also remember uncomfortably thinking “this is like a sexual position she’s sitting on my thing rn” and obv my focus was on my groin and that’s when it happened. Bc in my middle school mind that position was reserved for like a bf and gf getting intimate or being touchy. I remember being so uncomfortable and scared bc it did not feel right and the tingling made me FREAK out(also at the time I had no idea I had ocd so idk if it was my ocd doing things). I immediately got up and had to leave to the bathroom bc I felt so confused, scared, and uncomfortable. I ended up forgetting about it and continued being her friend like normal till high school. I forgot about that memory up until a couple months ago. Now when I think about this memory I’m getting the groinal response 😭 (prob just bc I’m thinking ab getting some sort of groinal response). I’ve had friends sit on my lap before and I never felt anything and I never really liked it because Im just not a touchy person with friends and close contact w my girl friends in that way doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Even now I would never let my friends or another girl straddle me or be touchy like that bc I don’t want it, I never think ab it, and it just doesn’t feel right. But bc of that persons comment and memory I’m afraid it’s a “sign” from my body, a secret desire, or me being in denial esp bc prior to SOOCD I did get turned on by a lot of sexual things (porn, sexual pics like nudes or very sexual attire, sexual music videos) and did some sexual experimentation/exploration as a kid (i’ve explained this in other posts), and some memories that may or may not be fake/dreams. Like in my mind if I saw something I would be like “oh this is sexual stuff, this means sex” NOT “omg she’s so 😍😍.” I had some bad anxiety and depression issues in middle school-high school so I wasn’t really having strong crushes so that worries me. But I did have a lot of celebrity boy band crushes like A LOT. But as I got older the worse my mental health were getting because of some personal family issues. I didn’t know how to deal with my mental health so the more I ignored it, it would end up getting worse and evolve. During this time I started to get more unwanted groinal responses and I started to notice and be more uncomfortable with the fact that I felt unwanted groinal responses watching/seeing certain sexual things even though I didn’t feel attracted to it (prior to full blown SOOCD). This also led to me getting more intrusive thoughts. I have been dealing with this theme since I was 15 and It makes me feel like a liar. My libido and attraction to men have disappeared for years, and even when SOOCD isn’t bothering me as much I still can’t get it back. I have had a boyfriend in the past (with SOOCD just never received treatment) which was the early stages of soocd so I was unsure about it first but I ended developing a crush on him and felt cute young love feelings for him but SOOCD, doubt, and the mental compulsions were always there and would numb my feelings and attraction. As our relationship grew and we grew up I was never able to get aroused whenever we were intimate (or in general/by myself I had no sexual drive). I wanted to feel things so bad but I couldn’t. I would feel it sometimes but I was always analyzing my body sensations, emotions, attraction, which made me feel more numb. Before this theme I used to fantasize ab being with a guy or doing *things* with one, and it always felt right, so being intimate with him always made me feel sad and anxious bc I couldn’t feel anything. I reconnected with him a couple years ago and idk what happened but I was extremely aroused by him. All we did was kiss a little and talk but It was the first time in years where I felt genuine arousal. But it only lasted a day and I went back to being numb. Fast forward, I have a new boyfriend who was my friend for a while. I’m pretty sure I liked him since high school but idk bc I’ve been so numb for years. Three months ago when I first felt true, clear, genuine attraction to him I was so happy and excited. But ofc I started to get thoughts about my numbness, no libido, and all that. I even remember when I found him cute and started feeling those crush feelings my mind went into analyzing mode and I couldn’t feel it anymore. I also can’t get aroused with him anymore either 😭. I would be able to (never fully) whenever I was in the moment but my mind would always go back to analyzing. I really hope it’s my bad depression and ocd and nothing more. It’s like there’s a mini me monitoring everything in my brain and I can’t feel things (except all the things I don’t want to feel). All my worries and thoughts triggered this SOOCD flare up and now I feel nothing. I’ve made a post about my feelings for him before so I won’t go too into it this is already too long. I’m just afraid this memory and all the other weird things, past/present groinal responses, and years of no libido/attraction mean something. There’s nothing wrong w being gay but It just doesn’t feel right. If I was I wouldn’t jump for joy I would just end up being single all my life bc I don’t even want to experiment/experience it. All I want is to enjoy my relationship. I really thought SOOCD was going to finally leave me alone 😭. Im not religious but sometimes I find myself trying to negotiate with whatever “higher power” is out there. I just pray that If this isn’t ocd and depression I just want my feelings back for my bf, I want to fully enjoy a relationship with a man at least once and I’ll be satisfied. All this makes me feel like i’m lying to myself but I swear I felt all those things for him 3 months ago, even with OCD and my compulsions messing with my head. I just want this to end already 😭.

So to keep things short, I’ve struggled in the past pretty bad with p*rnography. I still struggled with it when I first started dating my fiancé. I would look for it in websites, twitter (now known as X) or even find it in video games, ai games etc. My issue with it was that I used it as a quick release or stress reliever for whenever I was overwhelmed or I just needed to find something to relax me, which even after it never helped. So this is the ocd thought that has been bothering me. I used to go on Twitter to watch things for that quick release because it was quick and it was fast and I could just get it over with. However, I had a really bad OCD thought like this, “What if I sexted someone? Or what if I flirted with someone on my twitter account and etc etc etc.” and I spiraled so bad and still am. My fiancé knows about all of my struggles and I told him everything especially since when we first got together, we never really discussed the boundaries with p*rn and such because we just were so focused on spending time with each other and getting to know each other more. And I told him this OCD thought where I told him I was worried about if I did something if I flirted with somebody on there if I did a video chat if I sent pictures if someone sent me pictures, etc., etc. My fiancé knows me better than I know myself and he always reassures me and tells me I would never do such a thing. And I know deep down I wouldn’t either, but what if back then I was horrible and didn’t care? What if back then I was just careless, and it’s eating me up everyday, my ocd has always been attached to the fear that “What if I cheated and blocked out the memory and don’t remember?” And now this thought has been killing me for days. I don’t struggle with p*rn anymore because my fiancé and I agreed that it’s a horrible platform and we don’t need it, which I was really happy about because it showed me that I had growth. But the thoughts like “What if I sexted someone on twitter? What if I flirted with someone?” Are killing me. I know that if I intentionally did something, I would remember every single detail and I would remember it fully, and I also wouldn’t have told my fiancé about it if I actually did do it, but I always get flashes or “visuals” of me committing the intrusive thought and my anxiety shoots up because I don’t know if it’s real or not. Does anyone else relate :(

Does anybody constantly think about how a therapist would react to your real event if you were to tell them about everything you’ve been going through with intrusive thoughts and past memories/actions when surrounding taboo topics. Like my brain is telling me that even though they may not directly say that I’m a sick/bad person, they will secretly think it. Like one of the biggest reasons as to why I haven’t sought out a therapist is because I’m afraid they’ll secretly think I’m a pedo. I also keep imagining actually meeting with a therapist and then them going home, sharing their day with other people like we all do and then saying things like “ I had this new patient and this is what she did, when she first told It was the first time I’ve been taken aback and I had to hide my disgust, she’s really sick” like that’s literally the worst case scenario for me. I think because my real event(s) doesn’t involve any one real or has to do with anything illegal and my brain can’t turn to what are the consequences of this it turns to my own morality and catastrophizes it in the sense that I’m actually a sick person and although my undiagnosed ocd is a mental illness, it’s only bringing to light what I didn’t recognize before my ruminations and obsessions.

everyone says to live my life and enjoy my relationship even if i have the thoughts, to separate the ocd from reality, but how can i do that if it feels like its not rocd, but the real me, that i actually lost feelings. I literally feel like a different person, likei have changed…. i used to be so loving, in not anymore, it feels like the ocd its just thereal me and i dont accept that i lost feelings, maybe im just scared of change. please… i dont feel any love. i am disgusted, repulsed, annoyed, by him. And he dosent do anything wrong. i used to be ao loving and actualy feel something but that is long gone. maybe when i did that i just tried to cope and deny the fact tbat i lost feelings

Soocd. Still awaiting help. Been talking to ChatGPT all this time. I just really don’t know myself. I don’t know. I’m young, so I know there’s lots to figure out, but why am I so adamant that I must be into dudes and not girls? Why can I not just be ok with it???

If you look at one of my other posts, I reunited with an old friend. I don’t want to be super close to her but I still reach out so I know for sure we’re on good terms. She’s a slow responder and it drives me crazy because I keep thinking she still hates me and it was all a mistake. I get like this when people don’t respond very quickly often. I can’t stand not being liked and it drives me crazy, how do I cope with this?

i literally just cannot stop doing them. especially mental ones. doing things that i didn’t even realize were technically compulsively behavior. all i do every day is ruminate about my mistakes, play them in my head over and over again, envision the worst case scenarios, and then compulsively search on the internet. i’m so tired of it. i feel like i can’t live my life because the second i stop worrying, something bad will happen and it’ll prove my ocd right. that i can’t move on and seek out experiences or relationships because i don’t deserve them and nobody will want me when they find out who i really am. i’m just living in fear every day and it seems like whenever i feel like i’ve “moved past” something, i come up with more evidence that i’m really just a monster that will be “found out” and have to face repercussions/be ostracized. and maybe i really do deserve that. i know it has to get worse before it can get better or whatever but i really don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. i can’t even tell anyone what’s bothering me because i’m so disgusted by my own thoughts and my past actions. every day feels like a loop and i’m so scared and tired and lonely all the time.

I was very close friends with a girl last year, so close we were like sisters. But eventually, she treated me and my twin sister terribly. (one upping me, lying to me, trauma dumping on me and not being there for me at all in return, lowkey praying on me and my boyfriend breaking up.) I tried confronting her but it kept getting worse, and with so much stress it came to a head. She came to me saying her boyfriend was doing some really bad things to her. I told her it would get worse, that she needed to leave, and that she was in an unsafe position. She didn’t listen, she insisted she loved him. She would barely tell me because “it would make me mad” Eventually I sobbed to my mom about it, who contacted her mother but nothing was done. The next day, with the stress I was going through being in the middle of competing frequently, college prep, everything she told me, how i felt about her treating me became too much and I blew up at her. I yelled and cussed and to this day I regret it. I would spiral about it. No matter how many times people told me I was okay and my feelings were valid, it took me so long to stop believing I was a terrible person. I tried to cut her off and it didn’t fully happen until she lied to me about coming to a VERY important event and SHE told ME we couldn’t be friends. Since then I’ve had so much hatred towards her but still a lot of care, that it became an obsession. I got to college and told all of my friends about it who validated me. Through this, the hatred wound down. But I still couldn’t help but want to see what she was doing. To me she has always been better than me. I wanted to BE her. I was, and still am, a little jealous of her. She looks perfect, dresses perfect, and just is perfect to everyone. I unblocked her, re followed her, reached out and apologized. She apologized to me, and said she had been thinking about our friendship a lot and was glad I reached out. My parents didn’t like that I reached out because she created tension between me and my sister. My sister says that what I did was valid and supports me. My boyfriend supports me because he loves me so much and will always support me, but still doesn’t like her because of her unsupportiveness of our relationship. My friends question why I would even do something like that. I think it made me feel better, but I think my thoughts and feelings about our friendship, and how much I wanted to be like her, and how much I regretted how our friendship ended, and how betrayed I felt became an obsession for me, and I fear reaching out was a compulsion. She’s been really nice and I’m glad we’re on good terms but I think she wants to be closer than I want to be, simply because she’s in high school, I’m in college, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to be super close again. Idk I think I feel better about it but I’m a little worried. What should I do moving forward? I don’t want to cut her off, but I can’t be best friends with her again.