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I keep getting intrusive thoughts of m@sturbation to things that are morally wrong and it’s making me feel so guilty and undeserving to be a parent 😔 it’s making me hate myself so much, does anyone else experience this?😔

I feel like I have a good 10 “scenarios” I go over majority of the time and a few of them are Pocd related. It’s always based off memory which turns into a what if I did this. For example me being in a car alone with a friends kid then what if I done this, what if I done that etc. It’s funny because at the time I remember ringing my friends as I wanted “proof” nothing happened as I was on the phone. Yet in true ocd fashion I look at the moments before I rang my friends - something could have happened then. I don’t talk to that friend anymore so couldn’t even try and get some sort of reassurance there.. This isn’t my main theme but it’s up there. How does anyone handle this? Surely “maybe it did, maybe it didn’t” helps. That’s awful…

does anyone else experience this… "lost" or "empty" feeling after decreasing of anxiety and fear? the last 3 months i’ve been struggling with pocd + harm ocd + existential ocd and i felt terrible but those feelings and thoughts fuelled my productivity (because of the fear of this hell to never end) and so i practiced meditation, studied a lot (to distract myself i guess), and always have been busy with something. and now, around a week ago, the thoughts got quieter and anxiety feels much less severe. and i know that i have to feel relieved but instead i feel… empty. these thoughts were all i had been thinking about these 3 months and now i feel very weird because i don’t know what to do now. it feels like l have built my entire personality around ocd and now, as it faded away, i feel almost nothing. i feel so very unproductive (and therefore guilty) and without any purpose in life. i’ve spent these 3 months fighting but now it seems pointless and exaggerated (like as i made it all up). so yeah. it may sound very confusing as english is not my first language but i hope you understood my point

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

I'm so scared at the idea of ERP because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which I know is textbook but I feel like I have urges to think about these sexually explicit images for my own gratification. Which is so strange because I tell myself I don't want that. I love my girlfriend. And I know I don't want these things to happen but I'm scared that I want the thoughts. And that the whole concept of thinking about them intentionally will result in me enjoying them and wanting them. I want this to be over. I feel terrible every day but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Anyone have any advice on how to tackle ERP with this in mind. I want this to end.

I was petting a dog and my brain sexualized it but I continued. I didn’t do anything wrong to the dog and I never would but it’s like I still mentally indulged even tho it’s still not me as a person?? Unless it is bc I still indulged ? Help!

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.

18+ UPDATE: I genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless...

I didn't sleep all night because of anxiety. I hate this so much. Then that gives me even more anxiety because I'm not sleeping. Then the anxiety gets so bad that I end up relapsing to porn. So I didn then while doing so I used a game to get a collection of attractive women but one of them was dressed like this character from an anime who is 14. But she looks nothing like the character, she looks like a normal attractive adult woman but I feel awful now knowing that the cosplay was somewhat going for this character and she is the same name as this character. I feel terrible. I hate this shit. I hate that this keeps happening to me. I just want to get good sleep again. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I try deep breathing and the thoughts just get louder. I hate this

Having really bad anxiety that has caused me not to sleep at all and I relapsed to adult content and saw sexual content in a game that has a female character dressed as an anime character that I didn't know and went with it but then I realized that character is 14 when though in the game it just looks like a grown woman dressed like the character somewhat. Now I feel even worse and I just can't deal with this anymore

Remembering some dumb stuff I have seen online or some dumb stuff I found and honestly I would say to someone else they mean nothing bad about that someone but my ocd is here “hmmm see evidence that you are a ped… or that you were one”. How do I deal with this?

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.

Yesterday, I tried to report something based on a memory I had of the person sexualising characters from Scooby Doo who I didn't realise where underage at the time I saw it, twitter didn't seem to accept the report despite multiple attempts and I never got confirmation from the IWF that the report went through so I waited until today to see if it was just delayed but again, nothing, so I tried to report them again but it still didn't work so I reported them through another catergory on twitter that requires examples, I didn't want to do this but I didn't want them to get away with it so I copy and pasted some of their posts but they were mostly things that I may have been being paranoid about until a really disgusting one, so I copy and pasted that one and reported them (And reported them to the IWF again just in case) but I didn't realise their depravity would go that far and my brain is convincing me I had a groinal response to it and what if I did? I know it's an OCD thing but I'm scared that if I have a groinal response to those disgusting things that's like the bar where it stops being that and becomes something real I've been freaking out about how sometimes after my reporting compulsion I want to feel normal and destress and so check my attraction to porn and sometimes it leads to a masturbation compulsion to relieve stress despite me not feeling any attraction and my OCD was trying to tell me it was immediately after and I was freaking out but then something kind of clicked and I realised that's not happened (Or at least I don't think so) and I can't tell if it was a false memory/warped memory or not or if I am just convincing myself of this now because I don't want it to be true, I don't know which is true but the "epiphany" fits more but again what if that's because I want it to EDIT: I don't only report things related to my theme I also reported a lot of people for objectifying celebrities. Also when I say after I don't mean immediately I just mean the same day but I don't remember how soon which scares me. I was checking people's following again and noticed a dogwhistle in someone's bio but was concerned I was just being paranoid so I clicked on their profile and their pinned post was their accounts on other sites and an image of some animal character that looked kinda young but it wasn't anything bad so I still wasn't sure so I scrolled down slightly more and saw that they reposted a disgusting drawing, I reported all the accounts and left but my OCD is trying to convince me that I wanted to see these things

I had a crush on this person for a while and we started seeing each other, and we had a good time he invited me to a hardcore concert and I told him that i have OCD (harm and POCD) and my thoughts are starting to target him which ruined it, and i explained to him everything and told him that i like him but i do need some time to myself to recover until we see each other again, they truly are the sweetest and most amazing person i’ve met, is this a wise a decision i just don’t want to hurt them, and i would like to spend more time together, but i feel like i don’t deserve such kindness because of my monstrous thoughts.

So I want to go back to college to study my major because it's better than me waiting to do something that is a next bit step in my life career wise but I'm terrified because of something that happened unfortunately by accident when I was there. When one of my classes for the day came to an end, I was getting ready to leave and packing my bag. Someone was approaching from behind me and I know they would be, but I also had to zip up my bag. While doing that my elbow was sticking out. In my head, I was getting thoughts that I should tuck my arm in because something bad was going to happen if I didn't and I would regret it but I wanted to do the opposite and prove that thought wrong because I was sick of having intrusive, obsessive thoughts constantly controlling what I would do. So I did the opposite of what the thought said and didn't tuck my arm in but then the worst outcome indeed did happen. I felt my elbow touch that person's rear as they passed by and then it was very very awkward to the point where I couldn't say anything. Then I remember leaving class and in my head I knew it was an accident but then by the time I got to the stairs, then came this debilitating, terrible, awful anxiety that was saying I did that on purpose and that I liked it and wanted to do that. And for weeks after that, my anxiety got so bad I couldn't continue doing classes so I took a break. This happened two years ago and it's still bothering me a ton. I remember how mentally drained, exhausted, and scared I was when those thoughts and feelings showed up and I just couldn't do anything. I remember being in bed for an entire day because this just broke my mind so badly. I also remember the day after that I made 100% sure that I would tuck my arm and made sure no contact was made. I just can't get passed this and I'm terrified that this is sexual assault and it makes me a sex offender

Anyone got any advice for ERP for POCD? I relapsed after having a child and I’m having a really really bad time, I don’t know what to do anymore

Does anybody constantly think about how a therapist would react to your real event if you were to tell them about everything you’ve been going through with intrusive thoughts and past memories/actions when surrounding taboo topics. Like my brain is telling me that even though they may not directly say that I’m a sick/bad person, they will secretly think it. Like one of the biggest reasons as to why I haven’t sought out a therapist is because I’m afraid they’ll secretly think I’m a pedo. I also keep imagining actually meeting with a therapist and then them going home, sharing their day with other people like we all do and then saying things like “ I had this new patient and this is what she did, when she first told It was the first time I’ve been taken aback and I had to hide my disgust, she’s really sick” like that’s literally the worst case scenario for me. I think because my real event(s) doesn’t involve any one real or has to do with anything illegal and my brain can’t turn to what are the consequences of this it turns to my own morality and catastrophizes it in the sense that I’m actually a sick person and although my undiagnosed ocd is a mental illness, it’s only bringing to light what I didn’t recognize before my ruminations and obsessions.

Hello, Asking for guidance for my partner whos lifelong OCD morffed to pOCD years ago and the situation has gone worse over time. We have not had normal intimacy now for half a year with some stressfull exceptions. The big problem is that pOCD thoughts have tormented my partner and she "can never be certain" if there was a "bad" thought some time before that created arousal and for that reason all sexual feelings and action feels inappropriate. Over time Ive stopped all sexual approach, because it might cause more anxiety in her. We might try be close, but any moment a thought might jump to her mind and then we have to just stop because they tarnish the whole experience. We have feelings for each other but OCD has highjacked our relationship and killed our sex life and even affection and it feel like dead-end every time. I joined no-nut-november with friends to have a month of selibacy to give her space with the subject and for me to have an experience of autonomy by choosing a period of non-sexuality for my self so it is not the OCD of my partner that is calling the shots, whitch have been devastating over time to be in an infinite-feeling rejection loop with no control over it. We are studying the subject to go forward. Some helpful points from the forum has been stop reacting to that mean suggesting inner voice so not to argue with it because it always claims the pOCD is actual p and learning about the groin responce that it is not a "proof" of being a p. What advices would you have or material to look in to grow out of this nightmare? This is maybe a sixth variation of OCD she has had over her life and the other form have resolved over time, but this challenge feels off course the worst in every way and we feel generally helpless in moving on.

TW POCD. Feeling really down today. Would appreciate some advice/opinion on this. I confessed to my older sister the cause of my POCD about a year ago, because I genuinely couldn't handle it anymore on my own, and the weight of feeling like I was hiding this from her was too much. A part of me is relieved and glad that I don't have to feel like I'm lying anymore, but many times I feel so disgusting and wonder if she likes me less now. For example, today I got really triggered out of nowhere. I was having dinner with her, and my sister was talking about how she told her coworkers she liked Ghibli; and how she got a bunch of Totoro merch even if she didn't like it that much. I told her that if anything the two girls are cuter than Totoro, and I immediately felt so awkward after saying that. I regret it so much. There was this second of silence after I said it and I thought "she thinks I meant it in a creepy way". I should've just said "it's because Totoro has more merch" or literally anything but that. She picked up the conversation like normal after that happened, but my mind just stayed in that moment. I don't want my sister to be disgusted by me, but many times all I can think about is "she's just pretending to like you because you're family, she has no other choice". And it sucks. Thanks to anyone who reads this.