If anyone who's had experience with sexual OCD can answer, please do
Like actually, why am I no longer sure of my preferences. Why am I not sure whether I'm not attracted to something wrong. Why am I actually considering that may be the case, and why do I have moments where I feel neutral about these thoughts? The thoughts don't scare me as much, they do disturb me but they're not as scary - what's more scary is their possible meaning. At first, Sexual OCD feels like pure torment - intrusive thoughts and images looping in your head forever. But now? I still have the thoughts, and I've been told that anything from the thought itself to even a groinal response can be OCD related, and the more I go into ERP/ACT the more I feel like the fear is becoming real, even if it eases my anxiety somewhat.
I'll put it briefly: I still don't want these disgusting thoughts to mean anything. I still don't wanna be a person that would act on them in any way. But OCD has made me even doubt this: "Do you really not want to act on these thoughts? Are you sure you aren't attracted to this? Are you?" and then that triggers checking, which only makes things worse because "Wait... would I say yes? Why would I ever do that? Did that reaction mean yes? Oh God, what if it did"
I've been told I'm not actually who I fear and I can live with these thoughts and feelings, and I kinda do. But that hasn't stopped the doubt from creeping in, and feeling more real with every passing day. In fact, the lack of anxiety and panic makes it feel even more real, like I'm not actually having OCD symptoms. The less I fear, the harder the doubt hits.
Picture this:
1. You're told to treat the thoughts as just thoughts, the feelings as just feelings
2. You do that, and you slowly start feeling better
3. But when OCD inevitably goes "but what if?", it seems stronger than before. All of a sudden you're panicking "maybe these things actually do mean something, oh no"
..that's my reality. It doesn't even feel like OCD anymore because it's nothing like the constant panic and dread I experienced in the beginning. But the dread and panic are still there, just more in the background - which doesn't make it any less distressing. And when you start falling into doubt, the rumination, checking, all the compulsions feel much more rational and warranted, they're automatic at this point.
Also I tend to get thoughts like "but what if this is real", "but what if that thing that happened means something", "but what if this isn't ocd", "but why does it feel like you're denying it", "you're denying a real issue" - all of these basically keep me in the cycle. Is this meta-obsession?
I do actually think that the thoughts, feelings, all of it could be pointing to a bigger issue, even if that's unlikely and the worst case scenario. I don't know if this just isn't poor insight, probably is (I've had poor insight since the beginning). If anyone could give any support or feedback, I'll greatly appreciate it 🙏
