OCD is so weird

Hi everyone. I’m going through it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. I posted this before, but I really need to vent about this again. Feeling really anxious. I would just like to hear more opinions and advice please. So my main theme of OCD is harm related, especially towards my mom. I live with my mom and I love her dearly, and she loves me as well. We’re best friends and have been close my whole life. I was diagnosed with ocd and generalized anxiety disorder at 15 years old, and I’m 32 now. Got back into therapy this year due to flare up of my ocd. Back in July I had the thought “what if my mom wants to hurt me?” Which led to thoughts that she is going to hurt me in my sleep or plotting against me. Also just other crazy thoughts like what if she’s secretly a killer or something. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, gentle and polite to everyone she meets so to have these kinds of thoughts just seems too bizarre for ocd. They seem almost delusions. There were also urged to like barricade my door at night so she couldn’t get in, which I never did of course but the thought to even do that and feeling like I wanted to freaked me out. I even had the thought like “maybe I should report her to the police.” It just sounds crazy deep down, but those thoughts and fears feel so real at times. It just seems to lead to more paranoid type thoughts and it freaks me out. Fast forward and the thoughts went away, but the past two weeks or so they came back and I have been thinking them on and off. They give me anxiety, which then makes me think I believe them. Like if I’m scared of the thoughts, that means I believe them. I wonder a lot if I really believe them or not. I know I truly don’t deep down, I never once thought like this before, but the feelings and doubt make it feel real. I have told all of this to my mom and she understands me, but I feel guilt and shame as well to have these thoughts. I want to get back into seeing a psychiatrist again since it has been 15 years without any adjustments to my medication, but ai’m terrified of seeing someone new and then diagnosing me with schizophrenia or think I’m experiencing psychosis due to how delusional these thoughts sound. I’m scared to be misdiagnosed, even though I have always just been diagnosed with ocd. But maybe I have changed… I hate these thoughts and I just worry they’re too bizarre for ocd. If this isn’t something else. I’m scared ERP won’t help with this or that it will make it worse, prolonging me from getting different help that I may need instead. Thank you for reading all of this.

I know I shouldn’t be seeking reassurance as I know this just fuels OCD, but I really need to vent. I just continue to feel so alone with these thoughts and worries. I feel pathetic for writing about this again on here, but right now it’s just overwhelming feeling. I have posted on here before about this, but basically I continue to have thoughts that people are out to hurt me, including family members. I don’t even feel comfortable at home right now cause I get these thoughts and I feel so fearful/anxious of them. I’m terrified this is more than OCD and that these are actual delusions. It’s always just in the back of the mind the past few days and it’s exhausting. Feeling like I can’t trust others and not even myself. Plus it goes a long with my harm thoughts, because I thought “if my mom is trying to hurt me, I need to hurt her first as a way to protect myself!” And I just feel so much dread thinking that. Like I’m actually going to do it and it makes me depressed and panicky. Plus I picture all these different scenarios, like me being in the hospital, my life officially over, losing my job, etc. I’m thinking the absolute worst. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD at 15 and have had flare ups over the years on/off, but at the beginning of this year it started my worst flare up yet and has just continued to persist. First started with health, then turned to my usual theme of harm, and now it’s harm/mixed with fear of psychosis. I try hard to just let the thoughts be, but the anxiety persists and the thoughts won’t go away. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and hard to concentrate on anything. I just want to know if this is OCD or delusional thinking. I feel like I need to know for sure, to know that I’m actually safe and that I’m not a danger. If the longer I wait, the more damage I’m actually doing to myself. Thank you to whoever reads this and relates or responds. I appreciate this community and how open-minded and open-hearted you all are. This disorder is horrible how it makes us doubt and question everything.

I'm reaching out in hopes of finding others who might relate to my experiences or offer insights. I'm dealing with a complex interplay of OCD, depression, and existential anxiety, and I'm struggling to make sense of it all. Here's what I'm experiencing: I have OCD with various manifestations, along with episodes of depression. I find myself in a cyclical pattern where, after a few weeks, I start to remind myself about my depressive tendencies. This reminder seems to trigger a cycle that actually makes me feel more depressed or at least more aware of depressive symptoms. When this happens, I often experience feelings of nihilism and existential dread. I try to think about my family - my two young boys and my wife - to find motivation or a sense of purpose, but this strategy often backfires, making me feel even more anxious and depressed. I constantly check my feelings, wondering if they're depressive or anxious. At the same time, I fear that my feelings of anxiety and panic might spiral out of control. I think about my emotions and thoughts on a meta-level, which means I'm not just experiencing feelings, but I'm also constantly analyzing the fact that I'm experiencing them. There's an existential component to my struggles, a fear of depression and anxiety itself, and a sense that this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps most frustratingly, I often have feelings, thoughts, or sensory experiences that I can't explain or put into words. I feel like I've never heard of these before, which leaves me feeling deeply misunderstood. Does anyone else experience something similar? How do you cope with this complex web of symptoms and experiences? I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who've found ways to break the cycle of meta-cognition and self-fulfilling anxiety. Any insights, shared experiences, or strategies would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for your time and understanding.