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i’m scared if i’m dying or if i have a tumor my side head hurts on my left and it feels like something is crawling on my head and my eye kinda hurts idk what to do help.

Tw: intimacy I’ve had bad ROCD, especially around intimacy and sex. It was actually manageable for a little while but now it’s gotten bad again. Sometimes when I’m half-asleep or not paying attention I get subconscious thoughts or little flashes of wanting/imagining intimacy. The second I snap back to reality I feel instantly disgusted and sick to my stomach. There’s kind of an opportunity to date someone right now but the whole idea terrifies me. I have literally zero experience (and I’m not that young), so people are always surprised and it makes me feel weird and alienated, like I can’t just be “normal” about it. On top of that my retroactive jealousy is awful. I can’t get over the other person’s history or body count, especially if anything was casual, because it goes against everything I actually want. Logically I don’t even care that much about sex or pleasure, but my brain is completely latched onto it. I can’t feel comfortable being touched by someone who’s touched other people that way. I hate the idea of being someone they just settle with. I hate the idea of them teaching me anything because all I can think about is how they learned it with someone else. Yet I want love so, so badly. I just want to feel safe and comfortable with someone while my mind is finally quiet instead of screaming “they’ve slept with other people, you’re not special, they won’t find it as special with you because you’re not the first.” It’s so frustrating and exhausting. I want a perfect relationship while knowing no one is perfect and has a past. :< Anyone else stuck in this exact mess? I could really use some hope. I know I keep posting this but I'm just feeling hopeless and scared. I know it'll get better but right now it's very bad.

I recently found out that I have OCD and it was honestly an enormous relief. I spent nearly ten years having been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression, receiving incorrect treatments and trying to apply coping mechanisms that were actually making things worse for me. You may think that this would make me angry to think I could have been on the path to recovery sooner and wasn’t, but I’m honestly just thankful to finally know. When I read NOCD’s list of subtypes, my jaw was on the FLOOR because it felt like half of the article was written about me. The only time in the last decade I felt I found something effective was an audiobook I found on my own about intrusive thoughts which used a technique very similar to ERP. Go figure. Anyway, I had a couple of questions that may be cathartic or help others be reflective. First, who else was misdiagnosed? How long? What was your treatment experience like and what was your reaction when you learned the truth? Share as much or as little as would be helpful to you. Second, were there ancient signs you suddenly started remembering that now make way more sense? For me, it was sensorimotor and existential OCD. In high school, I had an extended phase where I couldn’t stop paying attention to how much I blinked and also had a phase where I could not stop questioning reality and your classic existential questions. I also had a period in college when my eye floaters drove me absolutely nuts every day. Anyway, hope you’ve come across this feeling well and I’d be happy to hear from you.

tips on trying to sit with “uncertainty” with real events? like the answer feels very certain and i just feel like an all around bad person, especially after unintentionally seeing people’s opinions online that confirm this thought. i know i shouldn’t care about things like that but when it’s something universally (or at least in some spaces) seen as wrong/bad it’s hard. i feel like i was too old to make made some of these mistakes and that they’ll somehow come back to me the second i forgive myself or try to move on.

I've been spiraling again, feeling like I lost all my progress from one lil step back. -Why does my mind cling to intimacy so much? -Why does my OCD have such an issue with it? -Why can’t I accept it? -Why does someone having a past make me feel less special? Logically I don’t even care that much about sex itself. What I want is love and safety. I get that people’s past is part of what shaped them, that they fell in and out of feelings and wanted closeness before me. -So why does my OCD care so, so much? -Why does it frustrate me this intensely? -Why do I keep fixating on the past and what they’ve done instead of focusing on the present and the person I love right now? -Why can’t my brain accept that I can be deeply loved and still not be the only person someone has ever touched? It feels irrational and exhausting, and I just needed to get the questions out exactly as they are in my head. Anyone else stuck in this exact loop?

My boyfriend has said (after a lot of digging from me) this year that I’ve been too much. I can’t really unthink it. It’s not just that he said it, when we met 4 years ago I always tried to cover up my wounds, I always said I didn’t want to affect him with my problems. I was firm for a while but he made me feel comfortable talking about it. He said that it wouldn’t affect him badly, and always insisted that I should tell him about my problems. He’s been my rock. But now when things have gotten bad again, for a whole year I’ve felt him shift. Something has felt off for a year, and I tried so many times to ask him what’s wrong but he never really gave an answer. Finally a while ago, he told me that I’m too much. That he has felt this way since a year and that he basically felt like he took care of me so much that he doesn’t have free time. I NEVER asked for that. Now it’s like he’s shut down again and when I ask him now, he says I’m not annoying, but I don’t really feel like I trust him anymore. He says it’s okay that I sleep at his apartment even though I can’t pay him, and when I after first feeling guilty do, I notice that it is in fact not totally okay and in reality he wants me to pay. I have trauma from one year ago and more, and I have been trying to cope. I got vulvodynia 3 years ago after a yeast infection and it’s impossible to have sex. I never feel real pleasure anymore and I feel like I’m not good enough constantly. I was also bullied for being with my boyfriend who was in the same class as me, just because I was the girl. I was called hoe by our then friends while he was called simp. He was seen for his accomplishments while I suddenly only became an object. My best friends turned on me. We were called the class inside joke. Teachers treated me like I was a bimbo. My prize on graduation or (the class’s) was the class perfect wife. I was just a girl who got turned into this brainless girlfriend in their eyes. He never understood then, the pain. I still feel like he will never understand my real pain. He doesn’t talk. He said I could talk to him, but he found it annoying when I called because I was breaking down crying. Why did the world do this to me? First I’m objectified and my only worth is by being his girlfriend, and he’s also what made me feel safe and happy. But then I get vulvodynia and the only worth I had is gone. The pain of not being able to be close is horrible. The pain of guilt because others say you aren’t trying hard enough with stupid physical therapy that doesn’t work because it’s a nerve damage. The undressing in front of so many nonchalant doctors and nurses not listening to me. Being lied to. Denied care. Left behind crying. Touched by nurses hands making me feel disgusted. Looked at. Burning pain making tears roll down. Being called manic and crazy for trying to find a different cure. Being absolutely powerless. And while I’m breaking, he secretly wishes that I don’t call him. When he was the one who said I always could. Seeing him getting tired of me. My intrusive thoughts this year are horrid, about me being unloyal and cheating. It’s a nightmare. He says now that he wants me to talk to him, but I feel betrayed. But I don’t feel like I have the right to. He’s right, I am a mess, a burden maybe. So what the hell can I do beside just being quiet? I really don’t want to talk about how I feel anymore and I wish I knew what to do. I don’t even want anything. How dare he act like I’m a burden? I’ve been through hell. Don’t pretend you cherish me. Don’t princess me. Don’t lie. I will never truly believe what he says.

Hey everyone I’m looking for advice/ support from anyone else who may be going through or experienced something similar. This may be a long post so thank you to whoever actually reads it all x So recently (a few months ago) I started looking into OCD as I learnt what it really was, and a lot of it resonated with me. An example is when I was younger I struggled a lot with obsessing over god and became extremely religious at the age of 7 leading to extreme praying every night and feeling this immense weight of being a good person and I needed to pray to make sure I was. I don’t struggle with this anymore but as I have looked more into OCD there is so many things I experience that I have thought are normal or just my anxiety or ADHD. I regularly cancel out my horrific intrusive thoughts with ‘good’ thoughts to make sure I’m not a terrible person and I want to do or think those things. I have an extreme obsession with being a good and morally right person, so much so that I have had to quit my job (I am still in school) as I was so terrified that if I went I would say or do something and people would view me as a bad person. The same thing happened at school, I barely ever went and if I did it was usually after a panic attack. This was also caused by feeling like if I went something bad would happen to my family at home and I would be responsible because I wasn’t there. Every night I have to ruminate and step through every thing I may have said or done that could make me a bad person and it usually ends it lots of ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybe i did something terrible and i just forgot’. I have tried opening up to my mum (i am only 16) and i had a therapist who specialised in OCD for a few sessions but it was online and i hated it. It is so clear to me that my mum doesn’t think I have it. Every behaviour that i say could be OCD she always says it could just be ADHD which just sends me into a further spiral of ‘i am a bad person because im lying and i dont really have OCD’ so now I can’t talk to anyone about it over this constant thought that i am lying. Even when I was 7 at a psychologist they said I had OCD tendencies but she brushed it off as my anxiety. She tells me she doesn’t know enough about it to understand why I think I have it but she’s not doing anything to learn more. I have sent her numerous articles and things I resonate with but she never reads them. Even with the OCD therapist we did a assessment/ form thing where I filled out how much I related to the OCD symptoms and my mum did one how much she thought I related to them. I scored super high on it for OCD symptoms and she literally said she didn’t think I related to more than one or two. That led me to learn about pure O ocd as a lot of my compulsions are in my head or not seen. Some examples are repeating certain numbers or phrases to cancel out intrusive thoughts in my head, avoidance of events where I could do something wrong or bad, struggling making even the smallest decisions over fear it wont be the ‘right’ one, constant worry over if im not ‘perfect’ (perfect grades, morals, behaviours)that im not adhering to the invisible moral code that determines if im good, frantically googling for hours what my intrusive thoughts mean and if they are thoughts a bad person has, signs I am a bad person, am I a psychopath etc. Another thing that has been happening recently thats more visible is i absolutely HAVE to speak out if one of my family members says something that I see as mean or morally incorrect and its like this guilty by association thing and it makes me spiral as I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they are good people too (i know it sounds crazy). It has led to a big argument with my mum where she yelled at me for being too “self-righteous” and thinking im “better than everyone because i have morals and that everyone else who is worse than me” and that she is sick of my lectures about her being “too mean” or a “bad person”. Honestly i didnt even know how to react to that. I felt so guilty because I know I do that I know I know but I know the guilt will consume me either way. It is honestly consuming me and I just wish for a day where I’m not policing every thought and behaviour of mine. Sorry for that very long rant but hoping that someone can give their thoughts if they have gone through the same thing or have any advice for what to do ❤️❤️❤️

It was making me think I was viewing my girlfriend as only a platonic friend and making it feel like it too... i like her romantically... and I want to be with her always... Its also making me feel like i'm not attracted to her when i am and always want to be... it makes it feel like i have no feelings for her at all... Its also giving me these "fantasies" in my head of what life would look like after we break up... i dont want to break up with her... Today i was at catholic mass and i teared up watching her sing and talking about how beautiful and amazing she was. it was making me feel like i physically didn't have feelings for her the whole time though... And now im with her and its making me feel like im not attracted to her... i want to be with her and i want to date this girl... so bad... but its making me feel like I'm not attracted to her and i hate it... when im cuddling theres a little bit attraction feeling in my stomach... but it was making me feel like I wasn't attracted when I was with her and her parents the whole time...

So I feel like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster. I've been talking once again to the guy and today we discussed more serious things. He said he's overwhelmed and afraid of things because of his ptsd and it made me panic. We talked about intimacy because it's scary for both of us and we'll I thought he only been with 3 people max but he said he’s been with 6 people (all 3 years ago, all while very drunk, all experiences he hates and that left him with PTSD). My RJ brain heard “6” and exploded. I always knew I have a really hard line with “big” or “casual” pasts. I’ve always said I need someone with little-to-no experience because anything else makes me feel like I’m “late,” not special, just the “safe” choice after they’ve had everything they wanted. Even knowing his past was traumatic and unwanted, the number still feels unbearable. I cried for hours, felt disgusting, felt like I’m settling or being naive. He’s heartbroken that his past is hurting me. I’m heartbroken that I can’t just let it go. Logically I know: those 6 times gave him nothing he actually wanted he’s waited 3 years since the last one he’s literally telling me I’m his first person he feels happy around But my RJ keeps screaming “too many, too much, you’ll never be enough, you’ll always picture it, run before you get more attached.” I don’t want to lose him over a number. But right now the thought of intimacy with him makes me want to throw up because my brain won’t stop replaying that there were others. Has anyone with really strong “big past = dealbreaker” RJ ever managed to stay and work through it? How do you sit with the disgust and the images when the person is genuinely kind, regretful, and choosing you in a way they never chose anyone else? I feel like I’m fighting for my life against my own brain and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. Please send any tools, scripts, mantras, or hope you have. I’m drowning a little tonight. Thanks for reading. ♡

So im a non-black WOC and i would never ever use the n-word but sometimes a family member or maybe even a random person will say it if its in song lyrics etc. And it always jolts me because i know I should correct them every, but i never know how to. Often times, when I try to tell others not to use slurs, they're just dismissive and don't want to change. But it still bothers me to the point where I sometimes have panic attacks about it and then all these intrusive thoughts that im a horrible, racist person who deserves to d1e. This kinda triggered me today and i just feel awful bc i don't know how to broach the topic without being dismissed.

A few days ago at my school someone brought a weapon and got arrested, nobody was hurt (physically) but it really shook me up. I KNEW the person who brought it and he didn’t like me at all. I keep having intrusive visions of him killing me, and I’m scared to go back to school. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Like how to not be so stressed over it

These past two weeks my intrusive thoughts about my fear of psychosis and going crazy have come back. There was times when I would start to be better than bam anxiety all over again and I’m just so scared cause it feels so real and scarier from the last time I had it. Yesterday I had a Friendsgiving and something triggered it so bad that I went down a rabbit hole of videos and I got the worst anxiety and couldn’t even eat dessert and that’s my favorite part of the whole night. I didn’t get much sleep and right now I feel like I actually may lose it and I’m not doing myself any good from lack of sleep. I just feel so alone and no matter how much I tell myself they’re just thoughts and letting myself sit with the uncomfortableness and fear and just can’t shake it off. I think I’ve better DP/DR and it’s not making the situation better but I’m past the point of anything giving me relief and am just so scared. I just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to who has ever gone through this like me. I just want to be okay and normal. I was doing good these past months and bam I’m hit with all these thoughts. Please tell me it gets better.

So i’m making this post because I need guidance and advice and I just don’t know what to do without feeling guilty and like a horrible person for this. so my bf(17m) and I(18F) have been dating online for a year and 4 months already. first off, we are very toxic and I know this and am aware. so is he because we had just spoken about it. we argue all the time and we always end up breaking up and getting back together and it’s always been messy, we just don’t really like to admit it sometimes as much as we think. doing this made me doubt this whole relationship because we’ve verbally abused each other and have said nasty things throughout the year however i always thought and hoped maybe it would work this time, because I love him and he’s considered my soulmate. we always had made plans to meet as he lives very far from where i’m from and never really couldn’t because of money and us being young and everything. not to mention I have doubts and intrusive thoughts and fear about the age gap. I know it’s only 1 year apart, but I can’t help feeling like i’m a pedo somehow or some kind of predator because he’s younger than me and that kind of thing kills me and makes me feel really old even despite being 18. I feel like i’m a creepy grown man preying on him and my therapist tells me it’s not that bad and just idk. those online discourses about it made it worse because when I was 18 for a couple months he was still 16 so that was genuinley making me paranoid and feeling like i’m doing something wrong. however I have more reasons as to why I don’t want to. so I have 5 dogs that have all been sick recently from extremely old age, and they could die at any given moment when I’m not home. At least that’s what I feel. I don’t feel secure when they aren’t around me and I know I have to let them go but I just can’t. a lot of pressure has been on my hands because also my parents. my parents know about him very well and given we always had horrible arguments, horrible breakups and times i’ve broken down and cried in front of my parents for this, they don’t have the best impression of him anymore. it could be being biased but when i explain to them what i’ve done too they tell me what he’s done and said is no excuse considering he’s been like that first. also not to mention in general they’re just strict asf even tho i turned 18 they still think im like a child so it’s hard for me to go out. so basically on christmas break he had asked his mother if he could buy a ticket to my city and something in me just froze and idk why. I started feeling really panicked and I genuinely don’t know why. this fear came over me but not in the “i’m so excited but so nervous to meet you” but more like a “I genuinley don’t want to see you right now.” I have too much on my hands and the one thing that’s worrying the most right now is my dogs. They mean the world to me and I keep thinking about how when they die when i’m not there I wouldn’t know how to move on with my life. but he thinks that was just an excuse. later on to say that he does understand and that he does care and he’s sorry about them. but my bf is also losing patience he said. and he was very angry at this and I don’t blame him. we’ve been dreaming about this forever but suddenly my mind comes to stop me and the huge possibilities come to my mind about what if we don’t hit it off? what if it’s awkward? he’s planing on staying 3 days alone and he hasn’t even planned any of this out which i told him about. what about hotel bookings and if they’ll even let you in? idk about him staying at my parents considering the situation…and i just feel like it’s overwhelming me especially since he argued with me for it. i feel like the worst person on earth for just backing out. what if i don’t even have feelings for him anymore….this night because of this i asked for some time and he asked for a break. so that’s what we’re doing. im worried on what to do and i don’t know how im gonna be able to go through with this. he tells me not to worry because he has money but that’s not all that’s on my mind and he thinks i’m just making excuses because “you don’t like me” and now that’s in my head and it’s like a manifestation and i’m terrified of it’s that too. This is my first post ever and I’m not sure if this is even the right thing to do but i just need help or just be blunt with me anything. idk what to do and idk if im ready but if i say that im just making excuses, am i? i’m just lost and I feel like i’m being pressured however reddit advice (didn’t post just researched) says it’s selfish and that i could be hiding something or being a catfish. he uses reddit too so im sure he’s gonna look this advice up and then think that’s what my intention is. idk what to do. and idk how to stop overthinking. idek if im being unreasonable but i do know that i really don’t want to go through with this for the sake of my dogs, my parents and if this relationship is even worth trying anymore.

Is nausea normal with ROCD? I could literally just be on a video call with my bf and I’m nauseous. I’m not even thinking about anything specific/no intrusive thoughts. So why am I nauseous? The nausea itself leads to anxiety. Why am I nauseous. Do I not love him? I just wrote him a small love letter cuz he’s having a hard time. Even being with him physically makes me nauseous when it never used to. I love being around him. I love cuddling. Smelling him. Sorry that sounds weird lol. But even touching him in certain places (mostly his chest) makes me worry I’m actually a lesbian and it’s finally breaking through and the nausea is a sign but I don’t think that’s the case. Lesbians don’t like men at all. I do. I enjoy his company romantically. I wanna go watch the sunset with him. Kiss in the rain. Cuddle under the sheets while it snows. Etc. and I enjoy having sex with him. Him specifically. I like touching his body during it I like looking at him. I don’t want it to end once we get going. With my anxiety and ocd it’s hard getting in the mood. Even if I mentally want to my body is like “no” and my brain is like “see. You’re not turned on.” Which reinforces the cycle. This is my first long term relationship so idk what I should be feeling. It’s hard to picture the future cuz I’ve never had to plan one with someone. I can kinda see an apartment. How we share holidays (interfaith) having friends and family over. Maybe we’ll be where we are now. Maybe we’ll be in another country (I wanna go to med school, I’m applying anywhere lol. Except the US. Naur). But like. Specifics are hard. I just know I want to drag him along with me lol (lovingly, I want him to be there. He makes life easy). Maybe my birth control is playing into this. I don’t feel things as intensely anymore. I’ve had it for like a year now. Anyways. I wanna see what the future holds for us but im terrified im gonna like leave him at the altar or smthn or randomly fall out of love. Im worried I already have cuz I’ve been randomly angry, not at him more at his situation, plans get interrupted, Ik it’s out of his control. He literally cannot afford the 3 prescription meds he needs nor a cpap machine for his sleep apnea (love the man but lord he snores like a train😭😭😭). He always makes it up to me. If he didn’t then we’d be having a different convo. I’m not used to being in a state of calm in dating. I’ve never planned to get engaged till him. I’m worried I’m wanting to get married and engaged just to have those things not cuz I wanna be with him. How can I tell the difference?

My bf and I have been dating for a little over a year. The past 5 months have been rocky. I’m anxiously attached and he leans more avoidant but *he isn’t a full blown avoidant* and didn’t really start showing symptoms till months later when the fighting became a lot. We talk everyday, see each other almost every day and he works night shifts as a nurse 8pm-8am then sleeps all day when he’s off then goes back into work. Recently, we had a small tension moment mid-week. Not a fight. I asked to hang out, he got a little short, said he was tired, and later told me “I’m fine, just want some time to myself.” I respected that and backed off. But then… nothing. He hasn’t spoken to me in 8 days. No “I need a few days,” No “I’ll reach out soon,” No check-ins, No follow-up after I sent a gentle “hey, how are you doing? just checking in.” This is the first time in our entire relationship that he’s gone silent. Even during horrible fights, he never went more than a few hours without responding. For context: • The past few months he has felt emotionally drained, overwhelmed, and questioned whether the relationship could get better. • But we had four really good days right before the shutdown — closeness, affection, no tension. • He has not broken up with me, hasn’t asked for his stuff back, hasn’t unfollowed me, hasn’t said “we need to talk,” nothing. • He is just… gone. Silent. Still at his apartment. Still going to work. Just ignoring me. I’m trying to figure out what this is: Is this: 1. An avoidant shutdown / deactivation (where the avoidant withdraws completely but eventually comes back once regulated), OR 2. An avoidant discard / slow breakup (where they emotionally detach, say nothing, and essentially let the relationship fade), OR 3. Just a burnt-out man shutting down and being immature and avoidant of conflict—not actually ending things but also not communicating at all, OR 4. Something else entirely? I’m looking for honest, non-sugarcoated insight from people who are avoidant, anxiously attached, therapists, or anyone who has lived either side of this. What does this behavior look like to you? Avoidant shutdown? Discard? Burnout? Immaturity? Has anyone experienced something similar? Do I keep respecting his space and not blow up since blowing up has gotten us here when he is genuinely an amazing person who didn’t deserve me bringing trauma into this relationship OR is he discarding me? He said months ago if it was over he’d never text me and wouldn’t care. (He is drama sometimes) but then also two weeks ago said if it was over he’d never ghost me and he would tell me. I’m not asking if I should continue being with him. I just want to know is this space he’s had to demand bc I never gave it and he’s burnt out or am I being discarded? Or is my ocd latching onto anything

It’s 4:30 am lol My brain is spinning a bit I’ll say Idk I keep worrying I don’t feel enough or I’m not excited enough to be with my partner long term. I’m worried I’m only thinking of him as a means to an end/an obligation. But it’s not Yes part of me wants to live with him so I can get out of my dorm but I wanna live with him cuz I love him and he’s fun. I hate when he has to go home and he can’t stay over. I want him to stay here with me. Cuddle all night. Idk the lack of butterflies makes my brain panic. The fact I’m not excited all the time makes my brain panic Makes it worry I’d be better off with someone else- another man? A woman? I get nauseous at the thought of either. I get nauseous around him too so idk what’s real. I kinda do tho? Looking at him makes me feel safe and warm but my body keeps making me nauseous when I don’t want to be. I try not to focus on it but it keeps coming back It makes everything so confusing. I just know I want him. That’s it. I don’t care about anyone else romantically. I’m scared thatll change. That at 60 I’ll drop everything for someone else. I don’t want to. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy telling him I love him- is that normal? It still feels nice to say it and to hear it. I think we’re so used to saying it to each other. Same goes for nicknames lol. No warm and fuzzy feelings when he calls me honey or habibti (he speaks Arabic lol) but I still love it. It feels surreal that we’ve been together almost 2 years. Idk. I’m worried I’m not happy enough about that but I cry tears of joy thinking about how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go. I love running my hands through his hair. Recently I’ve been overthinking touching him. I avoid the pec area a lot cuz I’m worried if I touch it I’ll think of women. It’s never made me uncomfortable before but now it does. Which is annoying. I’m kinda trying to re integrate ig? I’m worried I’m touching him wrong or smthn. It’s never bothered me before but with my recent soocd it’s kinda tripping me the fuck up yknow??? I adore him. I love his body. He’s hot. He’s funny. He’s got nice muscles. He’s soft. Warm. Why am I suddenly feeling weird about certain parts? Is this normal in ocd? Hopefully someone takes the time to read all of this I genuinely do love him but I’m so worried I’m actually a liar and repulsed by his body. The first time I saw him shirtless all I wanted to do was run my hands all over him. Hold him close. Clearly I am not a lesbian. Now I still do, just not in an aggressively horny way like when we first got together LOL. It’s still horny, when we get going, yay responsive desire. But most of the time it’s just touching and cuddling. Idk I feel like I’m going crazy

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

18+ UPDATE: I genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless...

contemplated whether or not i should post this a few times but ultimately i decided why not. this is pretty much just a yap session so feel free to completely skip this if you don’t want to read me complaining. apologies since my last few posts have been like this, i just have a lot on my mind. sooo i’m kinda fucked at the moment. i have like $15 to my name right now. mostly because i’ve just been spending money willy nilly and thinking nothing of it since i don’t really have bills other than a car payment. but now i literally can’t pay for my therapy. i have two separate therapists, a talk therapist and an ocd specialist, and i also have an appointment with someone soon to talk about autism testing. i’ve needed glasses for a couple months and i cant afford them now. i have to ask my parents to pay and that’s something i really didn’t want to ever have to do for my therapy because i feel like i’m burdening them already by still living with them and living on their insurance. they’re already scraping by as is and i wish i could help more. i mean i have a job and everything but i only get paid every other week and i’ve been using my student loan money and grants to get me by. i feel selfish for having spent my money on useless crap and then not doing much of anything around the home. the u.s. (and especially red states like where i live) are notoriously shitty when it comes to healthcare and whatnot. like a literally consultation appointment might break my bank. and on top of that i’m still in college and have plenty of classes to go, books to buy, and money to waste on something that i’m not even entirely sure will be fully worth it in the end, and i just found out i’m going to be there for a semester longer than anticipated. i’m so upset because i feel like at 20 i should be smarter with my money and just have my shit together. it’s also just embarrassing to spend so much money on mental health care, especially when it’s so stigmatized. like what’s wrong with me to need so much therapy and so much testing. i know that i’d probably lose my mind without therapy but i don’t know if i can afford it right now, which sucks because i was just starting with erp and already feeling good about it. i guess on a more serious note, i really wish that the state of the world wasn’t what it is now, not that it’s ever been necessarily good but still. being mentally ill in this economy literally just isn’t sustainable because its treated like a fault on our parts. and then we wonder why so many terrible things happen to/involving people that are so clearly mentally ill and aren’t able to get the help they need. we’re told our enemies are people in unfortunate positions who need assistance and not the ghouls consistently leeching off of vulnerable people. it breaks my heart and fills me with rage that people suffer so much because we live in a country that thinks basic needs and care aren’t rights worth upholding. i recognize i’m already in a position of immense privilege to have access to this care and not need it entirely to live but even in middle class, middle america, it’s hard. i’m not gonna go on to write a whole manifesto here but fuck it all feels a little hopeless at the moment.

Remembering some dumb stuff I have seen online or some dumb stuff I found and honestly I would say to someone else they mean nothing bad about that someone but my ocd is here “hmmm see evidence that you are a ped… or that you were one”. How do I deal with this?