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I feel like I more than anyone have committed horrible acts. Specifically, when I was a teen. I don’t want to talk about them because I feel ashamed of them. I think that is something I would rather converse with my therapist instead. Recently I learned of remorse. I thought I felt remorse for what I did but I learned I in fact felt guilt. There’s a difference. People who feel guilt feel ashamed because they think it means they’re a bad person. People who feel remorse feel ashamed because they think of how the other person felt. I am still trying to understand it to be honest. I find it hard sometimes to understand how others feel. I do worry if that makes me a psychopath but I’m not going to go into that because I have a message to tell and reassurance will only pursue the cycle. I haven’t been diagnosed. I feel like many of us feel guilt not remorse. Or maybe it’s just me. I think, for me, my guilt is causing me to push someone away and further ruin my relationship with them. But when I learned of remorse yesterday I had the impulse to go hug them and talk to them. At first I wondered if this made me a predator for wanting to do that but as I tried to understand the emotions a little more I felt not a sexual drive like a big brick in my pants but rather like a warm embrace. One that my mom gave me when I was a baby. The emotion was not sexual, it was a nurturing love. I also heard a wonderful example where a woman said she was afraid of being something she wasn’t. Another woman told her she was that thing. Immediately the woman felt fear and anxiety and then the other woman said, “You are also a spider.” The other woman was confused. You think you are that thing because you focus on it so much. You are not that thing. You are not a spider even though you may have acted like one. This leads me to another wise saying that I learned of a man who was worried about his past actions and another man told him, “Your past does not define you and your acts of redemption do not redeem you.” That was as much as I can remember but I’m going to add a bit more to it. “Your past does not define you and your acts of redemption do not redeem you. Your guilt will stay with you, and it will also remind you. The car has a fuel tank. It has to have that to keep moving. But if the whole car was a fuel tank there would be no room for the engine or the passenger seat and the drive would likely die from the intense sleep of fuel. So, feel guilt, but leave it a fuel tank.” I feel too much guilt but forgot to feel remorse. I personally am going to try to change it. If you were harmed, would you rather that person apologized but then never see you again and not try to regain your trust out of guilt? Or would you prefer for them to come over and treat you better after they apologized? Some have done irredeemable mistakes and I feel like the those people who felt guilt over those mistakes now know that the world isn’t black and white. I don’t mean to exalt myself but I am planning this scene in a book I want to write about where the protagonist is about to kill a man who he trusted and who personifies the devil. “The devil is worshipped by all, boy. The devil always wins. You think killing me will redeem you. It just means I win. Those who love God pursue righteousness. But those who hate God follow me. And those who hate me follow me as well. And those who love me follow me as well. Because those who hate me do what I do in order to accomplish their hate. And those who love me forget I exist and follow in my footsteps. You let me live and I live on. You kill me. I live on through you.” Then I’m thinking the boys says, “Then I’ll cripple you.” But he does end up killing him, unfortunately. I’m still workshopping it. Anyways, I think what I’m trying to take from this is, your guilt happened. Stop trying to redeem yourself because you never will. Learn from it and move forward.

Im making this post not because Im currently anxious (even though i am currently triggered) but because i want to make this message for those who currently struggle as much as i do... What I will tell you is that you are loved... you don't have to agree with it... you even can label it as something you disagree with or hate... but you are loved regardless. And you are cared for... and you have people who will show you endless compassion... this is not something I will expect you to get yet, mostly because just like me, you are stuck in the spiral too... I know how you feel because I hate myself too... I hate myself so much that anyone who tells me that they love me, I refuse to believe and brush off because the thought of loving myself has become inconceivable to me. I have POCD and real events OCD for christs sake... I have done genuine horrible things as a 13-14 year old... things I will probably never forgive myself for as long as I live... but this does not have to be you... You might think "ive done horrible things, therefore I cannot be forgiven for the things ive done" and I know because Im just like you... the main difference between us is that I have actually done genuinely horrible things as a 13-14 year old that would make people despise, vilify, and even hate me. Thats not you. You are someone who either A. was a kid when it happened, so you cannot blame yourself for a childs mind and actions, or B. Realize that you are someone here because you understand that what you are going through is something that other people have gone through... you arent alone... no one ever is... but I might disagree because I'm probably the most alone out of everyone. Recognize that this community will fight tooth and nail to help and defend you and recognize that you are in a community full of the 1 percent of people on this planet, that give a shit about you... these people (whether they've blocked me or not) can recognize that your suffering is not the fault of your own, but through the fault of a chemical imbalance in their heads that torments them endlessly with intrusive thoughts, feelings, and even your own past... you arent alone... you never really are in this place... Im the exception however... One last sentence before I go. As the 11th doctor once said... "You are forgiven... always and completely forgiven..." P.S. please don't ask me what my real events were... they were genuinely extremely horrible and I refuse to discuss it with anyone unless its my mom (who knows what happened) or a therapist in the distant future... this isnt about me... this is about all of you.

With all the unintentional and intentional harm ive done, I keep thinking about the girl I like... she told me recently she felt scared for me because of my mental health decline, and I cant even tell her anything about my real events or my intrusive thoughts, because she would likely call me a disgusting freak, a perverted weirdo, or both... I genuinely hate living right now... I can't stand myself... When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl at our school's explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 18, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to when I was 19... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I unintentionally hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... You said you made mistakes when you were a teen... these were my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope all you dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here...

My childhood boyfriend’s grandmother passed away in 2023. I had not been around his grandmother alone since 2016 when I was 22 years old. I loved her just like I loved my great grandmother who passed away on me in 2022. I didn’t think anything of his grandmothers passing. She was in her 90’s, just like my grandmother. Last year, I was having an episode already, I was completely spiraling and just not myself ever since my grandmother passed away. He came to visit me because I moved out of town years prior. What kind of sparked this is, at the time ( 2024) I was watching a special on tv about poisons and etc. I started to think like.. poison is a way you can kill someone and not even be around them. When I used to have intrusive thoughts when I would spend a night at other people’s home. To calm myself, I would say “ if every one was still alive when I left then I did NOT do anything crazy in my sleep or etc” which would calm me down. I started to panic like have I ever poison anyone? What if something came over me in my sleep or the middle of the night and I did something sick ? He doesn’t know about my depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts. I hide and compartmentalize very well. I remember looking at him and I started to lose my thoughts about his grandmother out of nowhere ( just like I did my own grandmother after she passed away) . I started to think Like what if one night when I was alone with her in 2016. What if I snuck in her kitchen at night while she was asleep and poisoned her water bottle with diluted house hold bleach ? What if she passed away in 2023 because of me ? Wouldn’t her doctor have seen signs of a poisoning way back in 2016 ? It wouldn’t take her 7 years to pass away from a poisoning ? I was in my early 20’s back then. I wore contacts , which means that I couldn’t see at night without them. I always took them out every night. I also did not know anything about poison or bleach. I never even washed my own clothes back then 😩😩 Also his grandma was very able body. She was NOY helpless at all. I never cooked for her or anything. But I keep having flash backs of a specific night. It’s like a crazy image of me going in her kitchen and poisoning her water supply with bleach.

Hey! This is my first post here and I’m not sure quite how to put it but I’d love to connect with people who have struggled with obsessive thought loops,? Sometimes I’ll think the same thought over and over for hours, days or even weeks every now and then. It can be a simple thought like about a painting i’m going to work on or it could be a thought about something horrible in my past. No matter the degree, the thought just plays over and over, sometimes it even carries to my dreams. It’s exhausting and I can hear a ‘second’ voice in my head begging it to stop but I have no control. This is actually the very first symptom of my OCD that I’ve ever experienced and it’s what made me realize that my thoughts are definitely unwanted and uncontrollable. I mean literally the same thought plays over and over. Like a song, but just a thought or memory. It can make me spiral horribly into magical and spiritual OCD and I’ve yet to find anyone to talk to about this. Thank you!

I keep asking questions about ERP because I'm trying to convince myself that it will actually work for R/E OCD. In one of the NOCD youtube videos, the analogy was "well people live with uncertainty all the time - they keep driving a car even if it can crash" etc. Yes, but driving a car is an uncertainty that people accept because it doesn't directly correlate to their IDENTITY, CHARACTER, and INTEGRITY. So to me that's an apples and oranges comparison. So yes I believe ERP can work (or I've heard) BUT can it work in the "right way" going forward. What I mean by that is do you come out of it 1) not having to accept a dogma / delusion? 2) do you keep your integrity and identity in tact or have to lie to yourself to move on from the real event? 3) is it TRUE peace of mind or just delusion? If it's not, if I have to sacrifice my integrity and identity to move on, to me that's not a genuine and sustainable solution it's just a bandaid. I hope someone who's done ERP can convince me otherwise because it'd be nice to move on from OCD

So I'm still struggling with pornography unfortunately and it took a bad turn. In the past when I was a lot younger I've seen a lot of photoshopped porn of celebrities and didn't think anything of it. Aside from celebrities the other portion of that was wrestling themed content. I do like wrestling and enjoy watching the stories and athleticism but I also do think it can be very sexual which I don't mind. There have been times where I insert fantasies of fictional characters wrestling in revealing attire and some real wrestlers that have shown themselves doing the same and also do sex work or have done it. Then I recently escalated back to the photoshopped and animated porn of wrestlers and it made me feel terrible deep down but I just couldn't stop looking for more and more content. I don't mind the fantasies but I feel like I overdid this and I feel a lot of shame about it. Deep down I didn't like what I was seeing whatsoever but I didn't click off and stop watching like I usually did when coming across that stuff when looking for softcore content.

What is it called when with ur ocd lets say if ur ocd theme happens like when you watch videos and ur mind comes up with something or your hypeaaware, but you feel like u cant tell ur therapist cus the video is proof because no one else would’ve thought that, and you know its not true anyways you just had intrusive feeling, but i know compulsions wont do anything but ur finding it hard to sit with this really scary thing like ohm ur accepting being this bad thing or if you have reassurance at least you’d know for sure,how can u live without knowing for sure even tho uknoe its deffo just ur ocd idk if this makes sense and what you call it ?:) if anyone could help me out

in a community I stay at consistently a child and her mother began speaking to me and I could tell the child wanted to be my friend which is fine and the mother was having the child speak to me and make friends with me (she is very little im assuming 8) . To them I am their friend u know because they are little. They are my friend also but like a little kid friend? I guess haha but it does make me feel weird and it makes my pocd act up and my brain tells terrible things at me but I do ignore it. I feel sortve a maternal feeling towards the child and another baby they bring around. They are so adorable and very sweet. They are innocent and remind me of when I was little. But I do feel weird interacting with them or having these feelings bc I grew up in a bad and weird sortve family that being around kids makes me uncomfortable. I do get baby fever but ive never felt an actual care for a child besides my little cousin. Now I feel it slightly for these two because they both have such childlike wonder and I hope it never changes!! How do I get over this? They asked me to baby sit as well so I don’t really know what to do. :(

So I struggle with my motives. Like I’ll have an intrusive thought that says “what if you did that because you wanted to attract this person?” And then I ruminate and always come to the conclusion that I did it for that bad reason. The thing is when I did that action I didn’t even think anything of it. But now I’m like how could I do that? Maybe it’s my mind twisting things but I genuinely believe I’m a p. I had another panic attack today because of this.

Idk what to do anymore. I had an attack from 🍃 in 2021. I couldn’t feel anything and it all felt odd. It’s been 4 years! 4 years!!!! And I still have attacks. But in the past 2 years it hasn’t been anything visual really. I can see everyone, I just can’t feel connected to me still nor my surroundings. My head keeps repeating. “You’re not real, nothings real”. Even tho ik I can see my mom and dad and nothings distorted. I don’t get it! I’m scared. Is this the start of psychosis? I was diagnosed with ocd when I was 13 and it got really bad after smoking once. I feel alone. I know where I am. But I feel out of place, and for some reason I keep thinking nothings real in my head over and over again. I feel so alone. I want to be a nurse but I’m like I’m useless. Nothing feels right. Can anybody help me, or has anyone experienced this!

Can a false memory be based on a real event? Like the false memory is based on something that did happen (there is a time/place/people) but you’re not sure if the action in the memory is real? For example, I’ve been dealing with a false memory and it’s based on the time I went on a vacation with my family and the false memory has a time and place, it doesn’t change and it has a specific action and idk…it just feels like it did happen…especially since it’s based on something that DID happen…idk how to explain it :( I hope it is understandable. Anyways…I hope you guys are having a great day!

TW. hii, ive been dealing with horrible thoughts as of lately. its gotten to a point where as of recently, ive been starting to eat less, sleep more, and cry a whole lot. i dont know whats wrong with me, i have confusing memories. im in a relationship, and as a highschool girl who loves hard since this is my first relationship, ive been having confusing thoughts about whether or not if i found attraction to a boy last year on a cruise. the first time i met this boy, my boyfriend knew about him because i made sure to update my boyfriend on everything. me and the boy were only friends & thats how i thought my intentions were before. but i dont know why now, a whole year later… ive been having confusing, yet convincing thoughts that i found attraction to the boy and i cheated on my boyfriend. everything seems so convincing, yet makes no sense, but i want to know the answer, did i find that boy attractive, and i try to look back into my memory to remember how i felt, but nothing works, i dont know how i felt or feel anymore. i dont know if these are false memories or theyre real memories. how do i know if they are real, concrete memories & how do i genuinely get rid of these thoughts?

When I cannot trust my own written down memories, I don't want to go through an ERP or accept uncertainty! What do we live for, if we cannot just believe, what we had experienced.. ? All I want is to believe all of my good and the bad experiences actually happened!

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.

So I don’t know if this is real event ocd or false memory ocd or maybe it can be both but when I was in one of my worst ocd episodes I had to record every conversation i interacted with because I would think I’m saying my thoughts out loud. So after work me and my mom went to a family’s birthday party and on the way there I was already scared that when they would open the door that i would say something inappropriate so I put my phone in my purse to make sure I didn’t. I ended up doing that getting past them but I can’t remember if I turned off my phone I feel and know that I did but not remembering every specific detail makes me think that evedybody there knows I’m recording people and that ima weirdo. I hate that I even had the ocd theme, I hate that I needed to record conversations to make myself feel better because now I look like a weirdo that’s taking videos without consent.

Anyone who struggles with real event, rumination, and guilt. Please please please tell me your tips and tricks and maybe some words of encouragement.❤️

Hi all, I have false memory ocd, harm ocd and pure ocd, I also suffer really badly from intrusive thoughts every single day. I was minding my nephew last weekend and I got an intrusive thought that I’m ashamed off, I’m now worried that I acted on that intrusive thought and just can’t remember, there’s also a false memory image in my head of me acting on the thought which I’m scared is actually a memory even though deep down I know I didn’t act on it. I’m worried though that the fact I even had this thought in the first place means I’m inherently a bad person who would act on these thoughts. My stomach is sick with the worry I may have acted on it and can’t Remember, anyone else ever have something like this? I start meds and therapy next week so hoping that helps

is it possible to even have a relationship while i’m suffering with real event ocd and ocd in general. i’m just so scared they’ll find out everything bad i’ve done and leave me

I'm trying to get my head around ERP. What is the best way to describe how it's a "solution." Imo I think OCD happens with people who are very concerned with their own genuine integrity and probably their own "morality." So when something (like an uncomfortable "real event" that actually happened) messes that up, it's hard to grapple with that...hence the endless rumination and trying to "problem solve" it. But the mind doesn't let you sleep (i.e. OCD) if something is controversial and doesn't sit with you. Or if you obsess over something and it's based on a rooted fear. You just can't "let it go," it has to be addressed and dealt with. But what happens when it is NEVER dealt with? How does ERP address that dilemma as a permanent solution? Or does ERP only address compulsions and anxiety, but it doesn't actually deal with the issue causing it. Do you ever get REAL peace of mind? Or is just something to make you feel "less anxious" etc? Thanks I just want peace of mind. I haven't had true peace of mind in several years.