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Just had a very inaproppriate intrusive thought while I had an intimate moment, I do not know how to deal with it. I feel like a monster, I never experienced sexual intrusive thoughts, and this one is actually disgusting. What bothers me the most is the moment when it happened. I will not name it, but is it something that I should talk about with my partner? Or move on? But I feel like talking about it would do good.

Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here in ages lol. I hope everyone’s doing okay 🫶🏾. Just a little update on how I’m doing. The therapist/tutor I used to have on a certain day a long while ago doesn’t take me out of lessons anymore. I remember we had a final session where she asked if the sessions helped and if I wanted them to continue. I said they really did help, and she said she’d look into it, though it might not be her. After that, I never got another therapist/tutor, which was kind of strange. But that was a while ago now. I also had a really close online friend who I talked to every single day, no matter what. We had such a strong connection (at least in my opinion). Sadly, she can’t talk to me anymore because of her strict parents, and we haven’t spoken in over a month now. It really hurts, and I miss her a lot. I just hope she’s doing okay :( I know this rant isn’t really about OCD, but I just wanted to get it out. My OCD is still there, but I can cope with it a bit better now. For example, when I’m watching TikToks, my mind tells me to read loads of comments exactly and check how many likes they have. It’s so annoying, especially doing that every scroll 🫩. I don’t want to do it, but my mind’s like, “Do it or you’ll regret it later.” Even when I’m getting changed for school, I have to make sure all my clothes are perfectly placed in my wardrobe before I leave the room. Sometimes when an OCD thought comes in, I tell myself, “Ignore it, what’s actually going to happen if you don’t read that comment?” I haven’t really opened up about this, but I had a really close best friend back in Year 7 and 8. I’m in Year 10 now, and I still randomly think about her and how much she’s changed. Seeing her around school is really awkward now, it’s like we were never close, even though we were. We just pass each other in the corridors. One day I told her she’d changed a lot and barely texted me anymore (and i thought this relationship isn't really going as well as it used too). She just laughed. We’re not enemies or friends now, and I don’t think there’s any hate, but I honestly don’t know. I think my problem is that I can’t move on. No matter what I do, I just can’t. Now I miss my online best friend who felt like a sister to me, and I lost one of my closest friends a long time ago too. If you’ve read all of this, thank you so much for reading until the end. Even if you haven’t, you still mean so much to me, and I love you all deeply. Please stay safe and try to stay strong and resilient when things aren’t going your way. I still get thoughts about the past and feel emotional sometimes, and you can probably see it on my face. I’m really quiet in real life, and I struggle to keep conversations going, if I even start one, it usually lasts two minutes and feels awkward. Sorry for ranting so much, and you probably didn’t read all of this lol. I probably won’t use the app much, but I’ll check in every now and then. I only remembered it because of a random TikTok. I hope everyone who helped me on here in the past is doing really well. See you everyone. :)

(31 year old male) I struggle with retroactive jealously. It’s irrational and I know it is but my mind can’t seem to stop the mental theatrics. Me and my current girlfriend of just over a year went to college together so we know of the same people. I was in a long relationship with my now ex during that time, I never knew my current girlfriend during those years in college. Recently, through a transparency discussion - I found out that she had sexual history with someone I consider to be a friend. Not in my direct close friends, but someone that I had regular interaction with. She obviously did nothing wrong, I was with someone else - we didn’t know eachother, shes got just as much of a right as me to be with someone else in that time of our life. My ocd doesn’t care and it’s exhausting. I find myself ruminating and going through mental movies of what they did together in the past. This is admittedly paired with my own insecurities which is the worst part. I have always considered myself underweight and it’s easy to fall into comparisons with her previous partners. Another part of this is, I am a mixed man (black and white), who was raised by a white single mother and I had little to no connection with my father - this has always left me with a feeling of disconnectedness with my blackness. Paired with I never had the mental strength to progress in sports past recreation, it’s really tough to find out that my now girlfriend had previous intimacies with overseas basketball players and the friend I mentioned above was at our college for football. I fall into allowing myself to go down the rabbit holes of being inadequate, or the assumption that those previous people must be bigger than me, able to satisfy her more than I could? She’s done nothing to feed this thought, and thankfully I haven’t gotten to the point where I directly ask size comparisons. But my mind won’t let me just let it go. It’s clearly associated with childhood insecurities. I don’t get complaints in the bedroom, I’ve always considered myself above average but it’s easy to make assumptions because of the extremes of pornography. I recognize how pornography is an issue and have completely stopped watching now that I’m faced with this. I just wonder if this is something I will ever be able to get over? This girl is perfect for me in so many aspects, it feels stupid to be this caught up on something that objectively shouldn’t matter. She may have had dealt with more people in the past than I’d like (12), but she still is very submissive to me and it doesn’t feel like there is any residual tendencies that she adopted from other men. Such a long post, and I could go into more context but I just wanted to post my struggle because I know I’m not the only one out here dealing with this.

As the title says, I was diagnosed with OCD in the 4th grade by a child psychologist. My classmates and I were learning cursive at the time. If I didn't think my writing was perfect, I'd erase and rewrite the words until there were holes in my paper. My hair had to be in a perfect slicked-back pony tail. I'd get so distressed over it that I'd miss the school bus. If I went around a chair 5 times, I'd have to go around it the other way 5 times. Losing count was so stressful. My parents had to tuck me in perfectly at night and if they didn't, I'd make them leave the room and start over. Stuff like that. I was prescribed some medication (perhaps an SSRI), did some exposure therapy, and it "went away".. for awhile. It manifested into disordered eating/obsessive exercising in middle school and high school. I started getting panic attacks around 16 or 17, while in a relationship with my first "real love". I put myself back into therapy in college and have gone on and off since. Although expensive, I have benefitted greatly from it. I am looking forward to a long overdue appointment, after my therapist was out on medical leave. As a now 37-year-old, romantic relationships are what I struggle with the most and seem to give me the most distress. Yet I keep seeking them out because I hate feeling lonely. My current partner is really.. truly.. great, but I can't stop obsessing over him and our relationship. I often doubt whether he's actually attracted to me (he has some ED symptoms we are working through together). We have conflicting work schedules, so sometimes communicating about plans can trigger my anxiety. I guess I'm here because I'm seeking community. I feel out of control and like I'm losing touch of reality. Im finding it very hard to calm my nerves, or stop my crying fits. I'm using alcohol to cope and it feels shameful. I don't want to scare my boyfriend with my mental health woes, as his last partner of 10 years took her own life. He deals with depression himself and uses alcohol pretty frequently. I hope joining this community can help me regain my stability and strengthen our relationship. Because I really do love and care for him.

So, long story short. My partner and I rushed the beginning of our relationship in terms of sexual things and we both felt uncomfortable sometimes by doing different things that we never properly communicated until after. Us rushing led to something that has left me pretty traumatized in the relationship. He was fingering me and he was so engaged in the moment that he didn't hear me say stop the first two times, but I firmly said it the third time and he stopped immediately. I told him what happened and how I said it twice before he stopped, and he bawled his eyes out and felt so guilty. My boyfriend is a great guy, I just want that to be in mind. But, now everytime we do stuff, and now sex, it feels odd. Like dissociated. Recently, I had asked him to buy different condoms and lube since it was hurting a bit. He came home and I just wasn't feeling it that night and he said "but you asked me to buy them" he didn't mean to pressure me, and we talked about this today too and how he thought about it after he said it and felt really bad. Now im questioning if we did something that night, or if we DID do something that night was it consentual and unrelated to the comment he made earlier? My mind immediately wants to rush to the worst after every time we're intimate like "was this rape?" "Did he violate me?" Its so hard, because he can't read my mind. He said that I should never feel pressured to do anything, and he would never make me feel guilty for it and be so proud of me if I spoke up and that I was being vulnerable with him. Are these incidents just normal levels of miscommunication that can happen in a relationship? Please help

Hi folks. Are there success stories out there of those who suffer(ed) from ROCD? I just can’t tell whether it’s ROCD or if I’m just making excuses and calling otherwise anxiety/“doubts” something else because I’m afraid to face the music. I’ve worried about most things one could worry about in a relationship: if he likes me enough, if he has a porn addiction I don’t know about, if he’s settling for me, if he’s attracted to me, if I’m really his type. Now as things are getting serious, I’m obsessed with whether I like him enough or not. I’m dreading future-oriented things. I hesitated getting into a relationship with him from the start, as I went through a very traumatic divorce two years prior and felt nervous about him despite him being an extremely committed, kind, and healthy romantic partner. I dated others in the past that usually were clearly noncommittal and I held on, I think because those felt passionate or something. Unlike those guys, I always considered my current boyfriend as a serious contender for something long term, but nitpicked ridiculous things. Currently, he feels so far away from me right now that I don’t feel anything. He almost doesn’t feel real. These worries usually consume most of my brain power for a week or two and then subside. This one is really strong and it won’t let go, and it’s scaring me. Am I just a people pleaser? Too scared to say I want something else because I don’t know what it is? Or is this really ROCD? I’m really tired, and I can’t keep living life like this.

First, coming here and admitting the things that go on in my head is daunting. I often fear I won’t be loved by my boyfriend or family and friends if they knew the extent of the intrusive thoughts that come into my brain. Picking a OCD subtype felt strange.. it’s almost like my brain was trying to think of a way to categorize myself into every subtype. I know for sure I have/had harm OCD. When I was a child I was terrified I would one day wake up and hurt my parents. And they are some of the most important people in the world to me. I remember my 8 year old self hysterically crying at night and my parents coining the phrase “bad thoughts”, then of course I didn’t understand and I thought I was a bad person. It seems like my OCD evolves with me. I’m of child bearing age have a partner and can see us having kids, now when I see kids I instantly have images of something bad happening to them and them. To call it POCD might not be accurate (but then as I type that my brain says “but what if one day it was accurate” “what if you’re just lying to yourself”). This is a cycle my mind frequents. I noticed this is triggered by stories online or on the news about terrible things happening to children. Not to mention… my current therapists husband was arrested for CSC on their young child.. It seems like my OCD tackles the vulnerable populations. I notice I do this thing where I constantly second guess myself. I’m in healthcare and I’ve been in healthcare for a few years now, enough to know what I’m doing. But I have this fear when working that I will do something wrong or upset someone or get yelled at or hurt someone by accident. It’s caused me panic attacks at work. Did I place that line correctly? Was that medication the right one? When I’ve checked multiple times… I’ve found myself seeking reassurance that I’m a good human in the people I love the most. I wish so desperately I could find that within myself. Typing that makes me tear up a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be like this forever or I wonder what my OCD will latch onto next, as it seems it comes in cycles. (As a child I had contamination OCD, people would call me a germ freak). I just want to know it gets better and you overcome things. Thank you for reading and thank you for allowing me a safe place with trustworthy folks that can relate.

I’ve been dealing with HOCD for over a year now (at least I hope it’s HOCD). I have almost all the typical signs: intrusive thoughts, compulsions, constantly checking my attraction, seeking reassurance on ChatGPT, and questioning whether I’m lying to myself and so much more. The biggest problem is that there are things from my past that I’m terrified are “proofs.” I don’t know if they’re real evidence or if my mind is just being dramatic, but they cause me extreme stress. When I manage to get over one memory, another one appears. And when I get over all of them, they just come back in a cycle, or I find a new one. Or i see a triger on TikTok and i start crying. When “proof” like what i did or what i felt or said pops in my mind i get soooo anxious I can calm down only with compulsions. At this point, I don’t even know how I feel anymore, or how I ever felt. I keep thinking: what if I was always gay and just didn’t understand what attraction felt like? What if I’m gay and also have HOCD at the same time? I’m exhausted. I’m tired of crying, reassuring myself, being constantly stressed, and having these thoughts in my head every single day. I feel like I’m losing hope. Things were much better from May to October, but now it’s back again and it feels even more real than before I don’t have this “i know im not gay” feeling anymore like i did in the first week of this obsession. I really need help, but I don’t have the money for therapy.

I am new to the term Relationship-OCD, but I didn’t find myself fitting any of these themes until I became long distance with my partner (dating) a few months in the relationship because of college. I tend to care about my looks, fashion, and being perceived as an attractive person, (all of which I think is normal for humans when I truly think about it,) but the thought that I only wanted attention from the opposite gender has caused fear in my mind. This causes me to dress down to look less attractive at school, check/overthink any time I move or say something if I am in the viewpoint of a somewhat attractive person of the other gender (worrying that I’m doing something for attention, even if it’s something like a certain facial expression,) avoiding the opposite gender and trying to look away from attractive people to make sure I’m not “checking them out”, “fixing” my posture and facial expressions if I think I am standing or have a face expression that can be perceived as attractive, etc. I have kept riding waves of guilt and anxiety, and I feel more bad that the opposite gender has been constantly in my head (even though its not about wanting someone else but just because of the hyper awareness of people) while I’m in a relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Again, I’ve never felt this hyper aware of anxious of simple interactions or going out in public before, even when we weren’t long distance yet. (Though looking back, I can see the start of some small compulsions). Can someone give me advice for overcoming this?

Last night, my boyfriend said that with how often I tell him I'm having thoughts of not loving him he's starting to believe it too sometimes. He even wondered if some space would be helpful, and when he asked me if I'd ever thought about that I couldn't say no. I got home from my trip to see family in Sweden and my flight was delayed for 5 hours. I'd had a stressful day and typically I would worry about it, but I didn't. Not much at least. And during our conversation TYPICALLY I would be very emotional and crying. But I wasn't. Which makes me believe that I actually don't love him and don't want to be with him. I wasn't certain of my feelings and whether I wanted space or not. In the back of my mind and heart I don't want space. I want to be with him. But then my feelings (or lack thereof) contradict that. After nearly 3 weeks apart in which my issues got so so bad, I can't do so many things anymore. I can't visualize his face, I can't feel happy when he sends me cute things, when he tells me he got me a gift, when I think about him I don't feel excited. Outside of our relationship I also feel numb to many things, but the focus is definitely on him/us. I wasn't excited about getting home, but not necessarily depressed about leaving either. I barely greeted my dog that I usually love so much. Everything feels so disconnected from me, I even feel disconnected from me. The only thing that I truly want when I'm in a very anxious/depressed state is to be in my boyfriend's arms but I can't feel love for him. It's so so so difficult. During/after that conversation last night, I did slightly come to my senses and said he was mine and I loved him. And when I woke up today, I felt kind of neutral but it's slowly getting more to the state of numb.

I have been working through my rocd while being a married woman. I am figuring things out and learning to accept my thoughts. But i have a lot of anxiety about past spouses. Anyone who is married out there, is it bad to think past spouses are still attractive today and/or be sexually attracted to them? I would never talk to any of my past partners at all, or think about cheating on my spouse. I have always been the type of person to romanticize my life and now that I’m married, does that need to stop? My husband says it’s okay because maybe that’s my brain and I can have whatever thoughts because it’s my life and brain, he just says they are normally inside thoughts (I confess my thoughts a lot to him. He’s really awesome about it, I just have a lot of guilt when I get thoughts and need to confess). I think where a big part of the anxiety comes is, one of my past spouses was his old friend & I originally turned my husband down for this person & I talked to this person for 3 years, and me and my husband were just friends. I feel a lot of guilt I didn’t like him then and beat myself up for it. I had that crush feeling more for his friend. for me and my husband our relationship feels more safe. My relationship with the other guy was, I thought he was super cute. He was popular, I was a loser. I got out of a relationship and couldn’t believe a cute guy was talking to me. He used me for 3 years and I gave him things sexually (and he never returned). I was very much played and I kept thinking if I did this, we would be together. I eventually realized this was never going to change or happen & why would I keep talking to this guy who isn’t worth my time. He wasn’t how I envisioned love for myself. Then me and my husband got closer (we were friends the whole time I was talking to the other guy) and eventually started dating. I spent most of our relationship comparing them and i got to miss out at so many good times between him and I because I let my ocd drain me. Our whole relationship has been a daze , & I don’t remember anything or ever got to feel that giddy crush feeling, like i did for the other guy. I try not to judge myself with that because our relationships were stemmed in very different ways. My husband is a man and I never knew a person like this could exist. He’s so perfect. So I think I get a little bothered when I have thoughts of the other guy or past spouses; because I love my husband so much, but I don’t want to feel like I’m disrespecting him. And with all my past spouses I felt the giddy crush feeling, with my husband I haven’t. I also do want to mention I have been smoking weed every day , all day , for our whole relationship. So I really feel like with the weed, I stoped working out/eating healthy, and my ocd is so bad. So I really think if I created healthier habits and allowed myself to be more present, that I would feel those giddy feelings for him too.

After a long time of keeping my life moving on and never processing anything from my childhood/ many other traumatic instances from my life, I decided to start NOCD. I have been out of work due to nearly constant anxiety and panic attacks that have prevented me from working, also because of one of my recent traumas involves my career/ workplaces. I have suffered from agoraphobia for a long time, which got worse in 2020, and then again after I experienced a long time stalking situation, as well as emetephobia which I’ve had for my entire life. I have been on an anxiety medication for years but after starting NOCD, a lot more things have made sense to me and I am realizing my meds have never been treating my OCD, just my anxiety symptoms that were most noticeable to the people around me. After basically screaming for help in front of family, friends, and even coworkers on several occasions, I had once again pushed away more symptoms/ trauma. With that all being said I am having a lot of issues with my wife because of all of this. She tells me often that it isn’t my fault, and yes I believe her, but my guilt consumes me. She has been supporting us and our animals, as well as several medical and financial stresses that are not necessarily CAUSED by me, but I am not able to do anything at the moment because of how hard it is to simply get things done every day. My meds have been making me physically ill pretty much since I started them, and I am not able to just quit taking them due to them having pretty severe withdraw effects, hence why I am becoming physically ill nearly every day. This morning for example, after not being able to sleep all night, I finally drifted off to sleep around 9:30AM. I woke up suddenly at 11:30am, to which I was extremely nauseous, shaky, and dizzy, all even though I had just woken up and was still laying in bed. So ya I am having a rough time, guess I’d just like to vent bc my wife has suggested maybe I try posting on this group so I thought it’d be worth a try.

i think im getting paranoic i dont know if its a part of ocd but i have catastrophing scenarios. i had a big argument with my friends and we are in no contant. in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend i used to have doubts and i told my friends horrible things. my boyfriend know about it because i told him few months ago. i wasn't also fully over my past relationship. it was not about the person but about the whole situation. it was months into relationship when i used to tell my friends that it still hurt me what that someone did and i said some other bullshit. i used to text them about it. i also told them about arguments with my boyfriend ect. my boyfriend know about all this stuff because i had a need for confession but know im scared that my friends would send my boyfriend screenshots of all these messages and things. i had changed and we talked about everything but he didnt want to know what i texted them. i told him about it in general not in details and im scared that if he saw it he would break up with me. i regret all of my past mistakes but now im really stressed that they might send him these messages to ruin my relationship. idk what to do or to tell my boyfriend about this fear.

I frequently keep myself up at night thinking of all the worst things about him, like him cheating on me, and who he would do it with. During these sleepless nights, I’ve done things like make excel documents keeping track of his followers, and who he’s following, even when I know he’s committed to me. I know he cares for me, and when he isn’t alone, I’m the one he spends most of his time with. He’s also shown no sign of cheating or even wanting to cheat. Sometimes I can manage these thoughts by repeating his reassuring words to me in my head over and over, but most of the time it doesn’t work. He’s also been actively trying to get better for me and I can see it. He hates to see me hurt, and me getting caught up in my thoughts doesn’t help. I want to get better for him too, so I can be a better partner who can be there for him.

Hi, this is my first time posting anything so sorry if I accidentally trigger someone. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months, and we've had a lot of ups and downs but good times too. I love him very much, but lately it's been harder to enjoy the relationship because I feel like I emotionally cheated. There was this guy in high-school that I grew close too over the course of a year, and quickly developed feelings for him. Fast forward, during our last month of high-school I started developing feelings towards my now boyfriend, and it was great. But, over the course of us dating whenever something bad happens I think "the guy I liked in high-school wouldn't say or do that" and it bothers me a lot. I ended up blocking him and I told my boyfriend about my lingering feelings towards him, and after a couple months I unblocked him to apologize and wished him a marry Christmas (which I told my partner about and he was good with it). But, one night when I was on Instagram I saw his story and it was pictures of him and I felt anxious and flushed to the point where my heart started beating and my thoughts felt intense. After that, I blocked him again and told my partner that I wasn't ready and ultimately decided to not talk to him or have a friendship with him anymore. Throughout our relationship, I just kept thinking and questioning whether I liked him or not and other various thoughts. It's so confusing, I love my partner. What should I do?

Hi everyone, I’m new to this app. My reason for downloading is mostly to combat or find new ways to deal with my relationship OCD. I was in an abusive relationship at 17 that triggered this line of thinking for me. I’m now 19 and my girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. She is patient and committed to helping me heal from what was done to me. I didn’t notice this trauma start to creep up until after I met my gf for the first time (we are long distance). When I got home I started having intrusive thoughts that she may leave me, that she’s angry with me, etc. She gives me zero signs of this, it’s purely my own brain and trauma telling me this. I try my best to not constantly ask for reassurance because I know that’s not healthy. Lately though, I’ve been unintentionally starting arguments. I will obsess over a thought about our relationship and when I bring it up to her nothing she says calms me down and it leads to a fight. I don’t ever want to make her feel that way and it’s not intentional nor is it fair to her. Does anyone have any advice on how I can better myself for my relationship? I’m trying my absolute hardest. I love her and I want to be the best version of myself for the both of us. My trauma has nothing to do with her, yet she’s been so willing to help me through all of it and still love me.

Hi everyone! I’m new to the community and trying to understand relationship ocd. I want to know what others experience, to understand myself better, but to also feel some validation in it. Sometimes I feel like it’s all I can do is ruminate about my relationships.. with my partner, friends, and family.. but my romantic relationships are the hardest…

So the other night i accidentally called my boyfriend my ex’s name, me and this ex dated off and on from august-October off and on like crazy, stayed tg 1-2 weeks broke up, like off and on. The longest we was tg was like maybe 2 weeks. And i always thought about other guys while with him, he treated me terrible. Like our main cause of breakup was he had sex with me while i was drinking, and he was sober, and i said i wouldnt agree sober, but i wanted to do it?? And he did a sex position i told him i didnt wanna do before we even had sex. and when j expressed it the next morning he was defensive and mean? Ig and i forgave him, then one day i argued w this guy bc he was making fun of an autistic kid, and my ex got so mad i argued with some guy for doing that.? And he basically said it wouldnt work, and i was trying so hard idk why? I never did. and he sent me a pic of his ex’s gf house. That he swore he didnt miss or love and so i was like wtf? But i was like okay whatever? and went on. And i was just in a low spot with him.. and he would always tickle me and id get mad. well me and him was separated a month, i got with my current boyfriend who i ADORE. Ive never felt so amazing about being with someone. and the other night he started tickling me and i screamed “STOP (my ex’s name) and i felt so terrible about something, now my mind tries to tell me i miss my ex, i wanna be with him, and how i miss his attention etc etc. but i dont? And my mind tries to make me think i wanna look at him and what not but i dont, or puts his name where my boyfriends name should be and sometimes when i try saying my bfs name it will mix his and my ex’s name? But I like hearing how he messed up his life leaving me bc idk ego especially with what he did? And i have rocd and pure o so please someone help me with what to do. Because i feel like crap.

so I’m struggling. Ever since last weekI still feel numb with him. Like I’m faking it or anything he does is an “ick. When does that go away. I have no thoughts attached to this but the minute I wake up the feeling is there. The feeling leads to me thinking about what is happening. If these are my feelings trying to come out but now I’m getting crazy body effects. Sharp pains in my side of my armpit and headaches. I don’t want to end this with him. That’s not a thought that crosses my mind really. It’s just the feeling of fake, numb, loss of “attraction” idk. When is this supposed to be better. I don’t wanna feel this every day of every minute. I just want to be happy with him and i physically and mentally can’t. I keep thinking, maybe all this anxiety are my feelings trying to come out and I keep pushing them down but the thoughts of breaking up isn’t scary. I would be very sad but I know how to end something with someone, I have before. My last ex, I didn’t wanna be around him, hangout with him and I didn’t want him to touch/kiss me. It’s not like that at all with my current boyfriend. We hangout all the time and he comes over. Sometimes I get thoughts of I need space but I’m to scared to listen to that because what if I want that space forever. I just don’t get why I’m not attracted to him and I’m almost faking my feelings. I am struggling.

Rant :’o This past month ive been feeding into my ocd cycle. Even when I know it’s bad I still do it? My cycle seems to looklike this: -gets intrusive thought - gets reaction to thought, views it negatively, so I get defensive and push away physically and emotionally until I get clarity and reassurance that my thoughts aren’t real or that they have no validity. It is SOOOOO HARD to break out of the defensive mode when im simultaneously having thoughts that are telling me “do I trust him? Do I want this relationship? Is this relationship something I still want? Do I care about him or am I even in love with him?”. It adds fuel to the fire and makes it hard to break out of that defensive stage. It makes you feel like whats the point in fighting for this relationship. Listen I didn’t ruminate much or at all on this thought im about to share and im not seeking a why behind my actions but just spreading something I noticed and feel could have some validity behind it but if it’s a possible reason then so be and if it’s not then so be :3 But I feel like when I’m in a defensive mode all im feeling is anger, sadness, emotional numbness even, that it leaves no room/space for the love I have for my boyfriend to enter or even be seen to help me lend out my arm and be trusting. That’s what im feeling in my defensive mode/ defensive tunnel vision so when I’m asking myself why should I even trust him and trust that my intrusive thoughts aren’t real then it feels like there’s no point in trusting or stop pushing him away when there’s no feelings of love or happiness and excitement to combat the negative thoughts. I know im just ratting on myself for checking feelings and you should just trust that your intrusive thoughts aren’t real and all but im not used to having checking feelings as a compulsion or at least im more self aware that im performing the compulsion now and im struggling on how to approach this with erp. If u have tips regarding erp and checking feelings then feel free to let me know !! Ty ^^ I hope im making sense and im not just talking in circles lol. In sum, those negative feelings in my defensive mode make it hard to be so trusting and break free when that’s all you’re feeling and im letting those feelings navigate how I approach trust when I don’t have that reassurance there to make me break out of my cycle and I have to do it on my own. My New Year’s resolution is to be better at maintaining and improving my erp. I will be trusting and I will be better.