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How can i know that im not actually faking my attraction to hide my denial and hiding my real attraction like its so scary and confusing

Hey everybody! My name’s Tori :) I pop on & off of here every few months. Well, here goes. Since I was younger, my mom & dad offered comfort, but I always pushed it away. Especially my dad. He was a therapist & I deeply resented therapy for the longest. I used to think it was stupid, the concept of “cry it out”. Like, the heck?? That doesn’t solve the problem. Until one day, on a movie, I saw the power of just accepting that some days are just hard. No matter how you try to fix it, you can’t, & it hit home for me. Suddenly, I noticed myself craving that “just hold me while I cry” type comfort a LOT. & then eventually, all the time. But mostly at the time from a male-significant other. Less so from my dad. Well, almost 9 years later, here I am with that same craving for comfort. Just, a LOT more prominent & hindering. To the point that it can be almost annoying the way I fiend for it. Sometimes I crave it from a sister figure (I am an only child which was recasting for me as a kid) but most times, I crave it from either a male figure or a male significant other. The WEIRD thing though, is that, after a person has been with me in that vulnerable state enough, I crave it from someone else. Normally men. Like I said. It’s really shameful & embarrassing for me, but since this is an anonymous peer community, I just wanted to come on here & see if literally anyone related & if so, what started this in your life/what do you do about it? It’s a big hindrance in my friendships, but especially my mentorships that involve almost like, older-brother-ish figures. Sometimes I am good at hiding it or it doesn’t pop up as much. But last night seeing my “brother figure” hug my friend & say nothing as she cried, made me feel DESPERATE for the same comfort, even if it wasn’t obviously visible. It’s like it hit a nerve in some way. He’s an attractive guy, but not my type at all & mouth older than me. Suddenly though, I was completely drawn to him. Lotta words, but can someone help me interpret this? Thank y’all so much if you read this far.

Tomorrow I'm going on a trip to a city that is an hour away from my home for my best friend's birthday and her boyfriend's tagging along. I'm excited, there's not much to do where I live and there will be plenty of opportunities where were headed, shopping wise. But for the most part, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll freak out in front of them, I've been having panic attacks frequently that are brief, and I really don't want to ruin her day. I can't expect for it to not happen, but all I wish is that it'd be brief and that I'll be able to manage it. I don't want to avoid this, it's her big day and it'll just worsen my condition more. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi, I’m hoping someone can help me. I have been having the hardest time trusting my boyfriend because I constantly have dreams of him cheating, and throughout the day I make myself constantly imagining him cheating on me and make myself feel horrible. It’s come to the point where I worry that I am too needy with my reassure and making him actually want to do those things. It all started because I found out he was lying about watching porn, and he knew how I was feeling insecure about myself and thinking he wanted other people. So when I found it I felt like my fears were confirmed. He’s been doing such a good job showing me that he’s a “new man” like he says, but whenever we’re apart I can’t help but picturing him doing horrible things.

I don't know what to do or how to stop this : ( if anyone has advice please, please let me know! It's happening to me that whenever I watch/read TV at night, get into an argument with a loved one, or haven't talked to them for a while I start to have intrusive thoughts/images that they're gonna get fatally hurt. For example, about seven months ago I had a car accident. I don't think I was left necessarily traumatized, but rather every time I have (the previously mentioned) intrusive thoughts I begin to reimagine my loved ones in that same (or similar) situations... and no matter how much I try to NOT acknowledge them...they often lead me to having anxiety or panic attacks. The only way that I seem to be able to stop these intrusive thoughts is by sleeping it off… but then that leaves to lack of productivity throughout the day and affects my life… I try my best to not give in into compulsions…especially because I also have dermatillomania so I KNOW that if I DO give in…it’ll end up bad. I’ve tried writing things down to see if it helps to calm me down. Although that did work for a while, I’ve started to feel/think that if I write my thoughts down they’ll increase possibility of actually happening :( so I’ve stopped doing that for a while now. I don’t know what to do anymore!

Anyone else get upsetting thoughts about relationships despite not being in one or even never being in one seriously? I don't know where I stand with it other than the fact that I'm not ready for it. I don't know when I'll ever be ready for one. I don't know when the time will come but I do know these thoughts about relationships don't help me at all and throw off my mood completely. I'm not even really fully sure why it bothers me other than the standard that society sets on it or the missing out aspect. Guess it still bothers me just like it did when I was a teenager

I was sick all week with the flu and starting to feel better tonight. Was hoping to see my boyfriend, but he’s gotta see his grandma this weekend and, for good reason, doesn’t wanna accidentally expose her to the flu! He’s at a party we were both supposed to be at tonight, which makes me feel resentful, but he’s been calling me throughout the night and even ordered some food to my house for me. We were just on the phone and he asked if it was ok if I called him back later and I said yeah. He asked, “Are you sure?” And I started to get choked up, so I said yes again and abruptly hung up. Which was a weird thing to do. I texted him to say, “Sorry I’m just feeling kinda blue. It’s not your fault. Just call me back whenever.” When he didn’t respond within a few minutes, I tried to call him and he didn’t answer. I followed it up with another apology, and he just responded “it’s ok” and has said nothing since. Both of my roommates are out of the apartment and I just feel so lonely and scared and like I’m a bad and manipulative person, and that this relationship is failing. Can’t tell if I hate myself, hate him, or both. I wish he was here to comfort me, but he has good reason to stay away given that I’m sick. I keep thinking I’m getting this upset because I’m a manipulative person. I’m scared of using my mental health struggles to manipulate others and get them to pity me. AGH I don’t want reassurance; I just want someone to talk to who gets it. I’m just really lonely tonight.

This is my first post and first time using this app. My partner knows I have ocd but we have been having arguments because I keep asking him super inappropriate questions about whether he loves me, is attracted to _____, is thinking of other people, doesnt feel attracted to me, etc. I get these obsessive thoughts and feel like I have to ask him to get rid of it or get reassurance from him that it isn’t true. But then I’m never satisfied with his answers, and keep asking questions until it comes to a point where the conversation is completely destructive and neither of us are happy. I see a lot of people talking about doubting their relationships and feelings for their s/o’s, but does anybody else have this experience? Advice? Is this relationship ocd too? I am 90% sure it is but the 10% is telling me I’m just crazy, obsessive, possessive, and jealous. I know insecurity must play a big part in why I obsess over these things, but I cant help myself from thinking these thoughts and asking him these questions. We love each other and he is doing his best to support me, but this is putting a big strain on our relationship. Lmk if you relate. Thank you for reading

I need to write this out to get it off my chest. This isn’t my first rodeo with OCD. Two years ago I did therapy for real event/false memory OCD. The treatment went well and I saw great results. I thought I was better, however I “think” I might have CPTSD as well alongside my OCD. To be honest I have no idea who is in the drivers seat anymore. I met my now boyfriend last year. I met him under stressful circumstances that I think secretly play into my doubts of him. He is a VERY good man. Way too good for me. Great job, savings, amazing credit, his own home and the best…he actually likes me! He is beyond good to me and I can honestly say the best thing that has happened to me so far in my life. Yet I feel so confused. It started 6 months into the relationship. We had planned a weekend trip together and I was really looking forward to it, and suddenly a random thought of “ you don’t actually love him, you’re just trying to convince yourself” popped into my head and I haven’t been able to shake it since. I pick random fights that I believe are me secretly self sabotaging. The doubts are the worst when I’m away from him and when we are together things are great. I’ve felt butterflies for him. I feel comfort and warmth. And yet I still doubt. I think my perception of “love” is off. The men before him I was OBSESSED with. Like unhealthy. Which leads me back to the CPTSD. I think I’ve had limerence with those men. It was so intense that I think that since I don’t have that with my current bf (we have a healthy amount of solo time between us) I must not “truly” love him. Another reason I think it might be ROCD is because when I’m able to convince myself that I do love him, the fear and doubt just move to another aspect of the relationship. Like I’ll worry he will leave me, or that I will ruin him somehow. Idk anymore. What makes it worse is the outside world telling me that just by having doubts is a “sign” Idk does anyone else struggle with this?

I’m so terrified that my feelings are not a product of ROCD and are actually real. They feel real, I think they are, and it makes me mad because I just want to be in a happy relationship but then I have a really real thought that picks apart every aspect of my partner: what he looks like, how he sounds, how he acts, how weird he is, his intelligence, his emotional state, etc. recently it’s been really sad because I feel critical towards him doing normal things like feeling exited, or trying to be funny, or making jokes, or even him being vulnerable and crying. I feel so judgemental and it feels so real, like that’s how I really feel, and maybe I do think he’s a little weird but I don’t want that to stop me from loving him. And I feel like it’s bad for be to think and feel all these things. I don’t want to let these thoughts take over my life and ruin all the growth that him and I have done together, but it honestly feel like that’s how I really feel some days, and idk if it’s ROCD.

Does anyone have any success stories they feel comfortable sharing with their relationship? Once I fell ill and really spiraled - my 6 year relationship ended and that’s really challenged my belief of someone else loving me. I know Im more than my OCD and I have great qualities.. but I just don’t know that another human will ever feel this way.

I didn’t have any female desires before this. I was so happy with my bf and only wanted him. Now it truly feels like I’ve been lesbian all along though even though I don’t really feel like I’d be truly happy with a woman. I was just with my bf right now and I felt nothing. I tried to picture a life with him in the moment and I felt nothing, I look at him and feel nothing. but after that and watching him leave, I just started sobbing. My heart feels like it’s in my throat, my eyes won’t stop burning, I cant even breath right. Watching him leave felt like a goodbye. It really feels like I have to break up w him and tell him what’s going on and I don’t know what to do. I know I love him so much and before all this I had no doubts that he was my best friend and my partner and everything. The one person who truly felt like home and now even though I’m still not even sure if this is ocd or not, or if I’m gay or not I feel like I have to break up with him. I feel like I have to tell him. I feel so guilty that he’s with me and I’m feeling like this he deserves so much better.

I haven’t been on here in a while.. haven’t been feeding into compulsions. Kinda never felt the need to do them for the past few days. I was so numbed out for a couple of days. But I’m still so confused. Part of me feels like I’m just in denial and over my relationship the other half wants me to hold on and keep trying. It just feels different. And I feel like no matter how much I try to convince myself I can’t change my mind on how I feel. I think if we were to have a fight and if he wanted to throw the *break up line* out there, I’d be like “no I want to be together” then I get that switch in my brain that that’s a lie and that I’m in denial and just want to spare everyone’s feelings including mine. Why am I knit picking every single little thing? I wish I felt different. I wish I felt secure. I wish these thoughts about not wanting to be in this relationship weren’t a thing. But do I wish that because I feel bad? Or do I wish that because I genuinely don’t want to break up and it’s ocd? I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings. I can’t trust myself here. Why can’t I just let go of the thoughts and continue with my relationship? Does anyone on this app often feel like ocd is this mental illness that is very negative? Like when you think of something positive in a situation and there is this evil thing in your head that wants to make those positive thoughts negative? I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like every time I try to love my boyfriend and let go my body is like no and out of nowhere is scared to get close to him? Close to him by physically, mentally, EMOTIONALLY?? I try to trick myself into feeling like I used to but I can’t get out of this loop. I’m just scared that this is the truth. We’ve come so far. Why do I feel this way. It’s ruining my everyday life I’m tired of being in my head. I wish I was normal. I’ve been so depressed for like a month. I thought I knew depression before.. jeez I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on anyone. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake from. This is…. my life:/ I wish I was a normal girl. I see everyone in relationships and I’m like damn, she looks happy and like she had no doubts. I wish I could be like her. Ugh I feel so alone. Thank you to whoever took time to read this. I appreciate it.

Hi I’m scared I flirt because sometimes when I’m around the opposite sex I’ll like get this weird feeling of excitement. I’ll like talk to them and part of me wants them to notice me and think I’m attractive. I’m not like 😏😏😏 to anyone but one time I’ve complimented someone’s art a few times over discord over a few different artworks. Part of me still wants to be noticed as attractive and desirable. I dunno. I don’t know if I need to confess this. I’m not like touching anyone or doing flirty poses or saying anything inappropriate but yeah.

hey guys i am needing some advice. recently my depression and ocd has been so bad i’ve gotten myself into one of the worst depressive episodes. it’s been affecting my sleep, relationship and eating which only makes my ocd worse. it’s so bad i have to take a week off work because i can’t even get out of bed to get ready. it’s been a while since i’ve been so deep into depression and wanted to hear any tips? i’m going to start new medication as well as continue therapy but the eating part and getting ready is hard. any tips for situations like this? i am wanting to do as much as i can on my own but my partner is also helping take care of me as well as my sister. i just feel bad and want to at least try and do as much as i can alone. i really appreciate any tips! thanks :)

I posted about this yesterday but I feel like I’m in an extremely obsessive cycle right now. So basically I started college and moved into dorms. My roommate and I were cool at first then began to experience some issues. Mainly codependency on both ends. So I pulled back to regain control of my emotions and also to make better decisions since I don’t want codependent friendship. I did this with the help and guidance of my therapist. I have also been in therapy for almost two years. So today, my friend seems bothered in class bc she has her nursing cohort in class and Idk if she wanted to go talk to them rather than me or what she wanted to do but she usually says bye to me after class and she just got up and left. Which was odd to me. She then was super silent later in when she got home to the dorms so I asked if wverhtbing was ok she said yeah and said she had a headache. While that may be true she hadn’t been quiet toward me or like that in the past. So anyways I’ve been in an obsessive cycle of trying to “find answers” as to what’s wrong with me and why I struggled in friendship my whole life. Why I’ve chosen some unkind friends before. I have searched the internet up and down trying to figure out what is “wrong with me” and see if I’m unliksble or if there’s traits that need “fixing” so I can be liked better. This also enables me to go into perfectionist mode and remind myself of all the flaws I have and try to fix them. It’s exhausting and tiring. I’ve done some major work on myself in therapy these past two years and have actually made drastic changes, yet I still sometimes feel like why haven’t I mad decent good friends, and why am I feeling like a bad person all the time even when I’ve improved a lot of things. Any advice. Is this a compulsion?? I feel like it is bc my brain freaken hurts and I feel like I am looping. I got home around 4:30 today and have been on the intnernt for four hours searching smh.

I am a woman in a long term relationship of over 5 years with a man who I genuinely love. I have identified as bisexual my whole adult life but I have only ever dated men (just by chance). For months I've been having obsessive thoughts about whether I am actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself- I keep going through temporary periods where I make peace with the worries but it always seems to come back with a vengance. This week the thoughts have been so constant that any quiet moment my brain immediately starts stressing over the possibility. My partner is aware of the thoughts (has has dealt with OCD as well and understands) but I still feel SO guilty because I am happy in my relationship and I don't know why I can't move past the thoughts. I logically know that I am attracted to men and that I find my partner attractive. But I get worried that maybe down the line that will change and things will only get more painful if we needed to separate. I feel like I'm so obsessed with ways things could end that I'm missing all the good that's actually in front of me and it feels so sad and isolating 💔

I know people with ocd have big struggles to deal with their emotions, im currently learning this but i thought i will ask people here if they can give me a good advice too. So what i keep strugling with is that often what you feel is not a real problem and if you try to work with it you generate a problem that deosnt exist. I had this before many times and ive fallen to this trap. I thought what i feel is a real problem and it says something about me and i need to work with the emotion, but i just made up a problem that didnt even existed. To give an exemple not so long ago i saw a girl that i really liked back in highschool(,it was like 4-5 years ago) with her boyfriend on facebook and at first i was like okay...its good for them i guess... but then my mind was questioning if it makes me feel bad or not. I didnt gave attention to it. But after some time i started feeling like its a problem, i feel bad cause that girl got a bf and its not me, and it generated all kind of stories when in reality i dont care, i got through this a long time now, theres other girls too... So struggle dealing with emotions cause i question if its real or not then i feel like im avoiding if i say its not real. And it even happens that i start to deal with it as a real problem, i feel that its not but at the same time i think it is so im fighting with these emotions. And people say "accept it" and it drives me crazy cause it makes me think i need to accept that i feel this and i actually have a problem, lets use this exemple, like im actually being hurt by seeing a girl i liked having a bf... This is why i struggle with emotions. This happened alot of times that now i dont trust in my emotions and i always try to ignore them cause i feel like many emotion is not a real problem and i dont want to deal with them as a real problem cause then i make up a problem that doesnt exist and i just suffer because of an imaginagion... so how could i decide what emotiond are real problems? And if i find another emotion that is made up, how to deal with it to not feel like im pushing it away but also not believe it as its a real problem?

So me & my gf are taking a break & i dont blame her. i confessed to her my intrusive thoughts because i felt bad when in reality im realizing this was ocd. She felt like i didnt love her for days after that. we have decided to go on break. she only seems to care ab my mental health genuinely when im saying something about our relationship. but then again she said if i need time alone i can take that. then she said she loves me too much & she wants me to seek help but bro😐 how when i cant even afford it. it kinda pisses me off idk. i don’t think she cares about my mental health as much as she states🤔 or maybe thats ocd speaking? idk im still trying to understand this shit. help pleaseeee

Has anyone recently gotten married and was able to cope with their OCD through their engagement and actual wedding weekend? I’ve been doing great and just want to make sure I can handle the stress over the next few months and not ruin the weekend I’ve looked forward to for over a year. I feel some recent intrusive thoughts coming through that are “I am” statements which are new for me. Any tips or tricks would be appreciated.