Feeling so strange and lonely

I tell people my situation, they say it's nothing big or it's fine, I was a teenager. I still feel awful, magically thinking that the persons going to change their mind and expose me to the world that I'm an awful person even though they said I had no affect on them whatsoever. I feel guilty to admit I've shared it with numerous people, whether a little older or the same age, never younger because I feel uncomfortable talking to younger people. Still, everyone says I did nothing wrong and there's nothing to worry about, but I'm more concerned about the fact I feel like I truly did something horrible, I feel like what if someone's enabling my actions, even though they say they're being honest. I feel awful, and I know I have to sit with discomfort and all that bad stuff, but truly I feel disgusting. I've isolated myself for weeks, and I just don't want to hurt the other person, it's made me question my own intentions too. Does anyone else feel this way? I just feel like my mistakes are worse than anyone else on this app or in the world.

Today was a really bad day. I finally went on this app and started reading so many of my experiences through other peoples’ eyes. It was validating and triggering, and I spent the rest of the day shaking in bed. My mind is full of, “you’re sick, you’re crazy, you’re a burden, you’re an inconvenience, you’re a bad person because you’ve done bad things, your boyfriend shouldn’t love you, he’s been manipulated by you to stay…” I know it’s OCD. I know that now. I’ve known for years but I really know now. I really just want any advice at all. I have images in my mind I could never say out loud. I have guilt and shame that I could never heal from. I didn’t know so much of my personality was a neurological malfunction. I have gotten better but today it feels like any progress I’ve experienced never existed. But I know it’s possible. Please help.

Please read, I normally don't beg but I have no relatives I trust to be emotionally vulnerable with, no social circle or friends outside of my relationship so I really need some help. My partner has been my one stable bond since we met. I've had small flare-ups during our relationship over fearing the commitment in the beginning, and for the last 2 or so months since we had a relationship crisis (caused by me) I feel like everything in my brain flipped. My brain is telling me she's ugly, I'm feeling threatened around the time she comes home, I feel hesitant to spend time with her, and my libido is in the dirt as I'm constantly self-monitoring arousal to check if I'm attracted to her or not which ofc skyrockets my insecurity. I struggled for years with compulsive sexual activity before meeting her and it feels like the same part of myself that I was protecting through those activities is the same part of myself lashing out against my partner now. We went to the state fair yesterday, and I don't know if it's my new medication (Bupropion) kicking in or what, but for a while I felt alright. I didn't look at her and feel anxious, I didn't feel any negativity at all. Then when I wake up this morning and she leaves, I'm wracked with the thought that maybe I didn't have a good enough time last night? I don't get reassurance from anyone besides myself and her, I'm not necessarily asking for it here but I feel like I'm truly alone in this and I'm fighting with everything I have to not leave the one person that life without makes me instantly sob when thinking of.