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I looked back at my life wondered if I did terrible things and just don't remember and as much as I can sit here today and say to myself I know I would do that, and I could never forget if I did... I still can't trust myself. I hate this

I’m still a minor and living with my mother. I want to talk to a doctor about OCD because I fall into place with quite a few symptoms. The only issue is I need to convince my mom. She literally scares me, so it’s hard talking to her. And with stuff like this she typically yells at me and tells me I’m being dramatic. She doesn’t listen to how I feel till it bugs her. For instance, I injured my knee about 6 months ago while figure skating. It took her two months of me complaining to finally LOOK at my knee. She ended up taking me to a doctor where I was told I needed physical therapy, an x-ray, that I injured a lot of tissue and muscle, and that my kneecap wasn’t in place correctly. Moral of the story, something was wrong for months and she didn’t bother to care for it till she decided it was time. I’m worried she’ll push this off. Or punish me in a way because I’m “trying to be mentally ill” But this OCD stuff has been happening since I was younger, but keeps adding more. If anyone has any advice please tell me. Is there any way you think I could get her to let me speak to someone? Or any way I could “prove” my case? As an extra detail my mom works at a place that deals with mentally ill people, and lots of people who have ocd. There has always been a running joke that I’m autistic, because I count lights, and do a lot of weird stuff. One day while in the car she was talking to someone and whispered “but what she does (as in me) isn’t Autism, that’s all ocd” And that’s when my world clicked into place. I started doing research and found it easy to relate to ocd folks. She hasn’t mentioned it since. Anyways, thank you for reading. Have a good day stranger :) Take care

The last month I’ve been hyper focusing/obsessing about falling asleep and thus it’s caused anxiety and keeps me up every night. I’m not sure how to do ERP around this and I want to get normal sleep again but it’s like my brain won’t shut off whenever I go to bed. Anyone have any tips?

Hi all! I am asking for ‚reassurance‘ and in this case I think it’s ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father sa‘d me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a ‚reason‘ implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancé is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancé and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when I’m angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I don’t even remember how I felt (which is great, it’s dissociation‘s purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but it’s how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with her… it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday … like 100% didn’t know what was real… Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!

My partner is away this week. What’s more, my period is coming up and my ocd always gets worse because of hormones. Even in the best of circumstances, I deal with feelings of loneliness and intrusive thoughts about loneliness, being a bad friend and being a bad person. I have friends, some lifelong ones even, but I never quite feel whole. Or like it’s enough. Or if I feel good while hanging out, the loneliness creeps in after I leave the hang and ocd tells me to review everything I said (I have gotten better at resisting this compulsion). The hard thing is that this loneliness makes it harder to reach out to friends or even strike up conversations with random people I might see in my day to day. Ocd tells me terrible things when I feel lonely and it’s hard to not believe those terrible things. Anyone else go through this? Any tips on exposures? I’ve reached out to two close friends just letting them know I feel down. I booked an extra therapy appt just because the feelings are intense and my partner is away. I was planning to go to a support group if the timing works out. Just feels really hard to do anything, like a big slog, but I’m just kind of dragging myself along. Thanks for reading.

i have been having a really depressive couple of months and i am having an especially bad day. I have never really had suicidal thoughts until this spring, but they keep spreading like wildfire. I would never do such a thing or even plan out taking my own life. I am not one to give up that easy and there are so many things I love about my life and so many people who need me. There are so many things I have yet to live and I am excited to see!!! I think it may just be a really intense intrusive thought. It pops into my head really graphically and it immediately upsets me to a point of panic attack, because for just one moment it feels like the only path. Today it has been happening like every thirty minutes since i’ve been awake and I really just want it to stop. Is this normal for others?? How do you get it to calm down. [I think I am planning on calling a hotline tonight, i’m not going to tell them i’m actually thinking about it(because i’m not). I just really need someone to talk to. I just wish it could be someone who knows me but I don’t want to worry them. No one in my life really understands my OCD very well, they kind of just think it’s basic level cleanliness and obsessive thought OCD.]

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

How do you stop constantly checking/scanning your brain for thoughts! It’s my biggest compulsion and it’s getting me so down because I do not want these thoughts but I can’t seems to physically stop checking they are there which then greats even more!!!

I love my boyfriend with my whole heart. I would never, ever do anything to hurt him and vice versa. our relationship is so incredibly healthy and amazing, I just want to be with him forever, and we will be. so why am I so afraid of cheating????? I can’t even look at pictures of other guys because I feel like I am cheating just doing that. If I think about a male person I immediately feel so guilty and I feel like I have to apologise to my bf. I spoke to him about it and he is so supportive and lovely with me, so patient and understanding, still my ocd tells me I am going to cheat on him, that I don’t love him and I am just falking this whole relationship. I just love him so so much and I don’t want him to be hurt or sad ever. this is making me feel so awful and guilty.

I hate that ocd not only latches onto people/things you love. But I hate how easily triggered it can make you and compare yourself to actual scary/bad people. TikTok has been such a big trigger of mine because I keep seeing crime cases, people harming people/younger ppl, and my most recent trigger someone potentially harming their pet. When I see all these things my brain tries to make connections to my past actions/things I said/ etc to try to find connections to how I’m also bad like them and I should just end it all before I truly end up evil. It scares me I don’t want to be an evil person or bad or worse things. I’m not like those people but my brain says other wise. How do I combat this? I can’t stop thinking about my latest trigger because I feel like it’s an old theme resurfacing and I’m so scared-please advice? Explanations? Why does this disorder exist?

I’m so worried about being a literal psychopath. I keep reading that psychopaths start out hurting animals. I made some mistakes a kid. I was mean to my animals and for some reason it didn’t register that they felt pain. I never killed any animal I was just rough. I haven’t done anything since i was a kid. I get very emotional anytime I see an animal in pain and suffering. I even consider veterinary school after I graduated high school but chose not to pursue that because I have such strong emotions towards suffering animals/euthanasia. I could never see myself taking an animals life even if it was for the better. I currently live surrounded by animals and see them more as family than pets. They are my literal babies. I’m worried because I at times looked back to the things I did and wish I never did it but it’s never stuck so much with me until recently. It’s all I think about and I literally wanna punch myself and wish someone would’ve just beat me when I did that stuff. I’m worried it means I’m a psycho just waiting to break. I’ve been having harm ocd type stuff and have been ruminating and it’s all I think about is being a psycho. I feel like everything has been a lie since my childhood. I’m questioning my own emotions and everything and now I feel numb. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything but I constantly feel like a psycho and it feels so real. I always enjoyed watching true crime stuff with my bf and now that I know about all this I’m freaking tf out. Everything feels so real like it’s already happened or is gonna happen if I try to forget about it.

Hi, I’m Cede. I am 15 years old and I’m greatly concerned if I have OCD. I do so many things that relate to others with OCD, and find myself constantly matching symptoms of it. But I feel like if I bring this up to my mother she will tell me I’m making it all up in my head, or say something stupid like “it’s because of that darn phone” I was hoping to find people here who do have OCD and see what their thoughts are. And hopefully find my answer. These things have been happening as long as I can remember. They started out as a few things but now they’re building and getting worse. Stuff I do that I believe is OCD related: -When I was younger and believed in good and praying, I would have to triple check I prayed for all my family and friends. Or I thought they would die. I would panic every night. (Age 4-9?) -When praying I would also pray that specific things wouldn’t happen to me. Ex: “dear god, please don’t let me get kidnapped tomorrow” -I got into a car crash when I was younger while I was asleep, ever ever since then I wouldn’t allow myself to fall asleep because I thought me sleeping caused us to crash -I would (still do) see the spray paint on cement and imagine if the line extended. I would have to avoid those spots or I’d feel panicked or think a bad thing was soon to come -I skip count by 2’s, 5’s, and 10’s when anxious, or something like it. -I have to hold my breath while crossing the street because I think something bad will happen if I breathe before I’m across -I have to run half way across a street before a certain light changes otherwise I’m convinced Doom is released upon me -I will randomly feel dirty in my body. Typically my hands. I will wash and wash them till the “bad” is gone. -I have the habit of over showering because I feel like when I sleep “bad” is layered all over me and showering will get it off -when making a timer for something it needs to only be “good” numbers (minutes) with a “good”number for the seconds. Ex: 11 min and 44 seconds -Numbers, Colors, Letters, and shapes all are split into feeling “good” or “bad” ex: 6 is very bad. It’s like a dirty feeling almost -I refuse to go into stores that feel “bad” or “dirty”. Like the AIR feels dirty to me, even if I know it’s clean -If I push my bedroom door shut before it closes I need to run to a carpet and stand on only my right leg or get to my stairs or I feel like something bad will happen -I will rewrite a letter or something till it feels it’s done “just right” -when walking on tiles I can’t step on lines. But also I don’t like how they’re spaced. My right foot is always stepping on one part of them and my left on another. It’s not fairly balanced. And that causes me to rewalk or step there again. And it causes me to panic and sometimes tear up. -if I only get one hand wet I need to get the other just as wet before drying them off or I can’t leave the place I’m in. -if one nail breaks on one hand ex:pointer on right, I need to cut the other one down to that length as well. Or I can’t function -when I’m sick I convince myself I’m going to die in my sleep (I’m literally sick rn and refusing to go to bed because I’m convinced my family will find me dead) -I have asthma and I sometimes think it gets so bad I’ll want to write “I love you” notes to my family because I’m going to die from not breathing in my sleep -I think I forgot something so I have to check it a few times to make sure I have it or done something -I won’t take medication unless my mother gets it for me, because I think I’ll accidentally over dose. And sometimes I’ll be worried to take it even from her (Tw for these because they’re intrusive thoughts) -I’ll be looking at my dog or a little kid and have the most vivid and violent visions of them. Ex: I will see myself bashing my dogs brain with my foot -I will have intrusive thoughts if me specializing myself to older adults, even family. Like guys. I don’t even want to give an example because it’s disgusting.. -I’ll get intrusive thoughts of me unaliving myself and writing su’cide letters to people -I will get an intrusive thought of me taking too much medication There’s still so much, but I’m sick and tired. If anyone who has OCD can let me know if it sounds like I have it please tell me. I want to figure this out. Have a good day! -Cd

So, I do have OCD. That’s not a question (Pure O mainly. Compulsions are mental and emotional checking and ruminating and comparing). And my OCD was ramping up pretty bad a while back so I started ERP counseling through NOCD. I learned some basic skills and good ways to respond and not engage to thoughts. But now, I think the therapy just brings things up that didn’t need to be that big. It makes minor things bigger. It brings overwhelm thinking I have all this “work” to do, when I think what I need is to let go. Of course with OCD letting go is not a simple task, but hear me out. I didn’t do therapy for over a month and started feeling better. I used some of the tools I learned a few times and things just seemed more minor and less serious. I’m now postpartum with anxiety panic and ocd so I upped my therapy and I truly think it’s making things worse. Does anyone else share this opinion or experience? I also think back to when OCD was darn near nonexistent and I was not in ERP therapy. I know things come and go but I’m just realizing this.

It started a month ago on vacation. I started getting intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones in their sleep and it scared me so bad. I thought it would stop but it only got worse. Here I am a month later and things have changed drastically. My thoughts have now shifted to becoming some serial killer. I am so worried it’s all I think about. I can’t stop thinking about the things I did as a kid and how it could validate all my thoughts. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything at all. I am so scared of the thought of the notorious serial killers that I’ve heard about in the past and I can’t stop comparing myself to these horrible people. I’m scared because I used to be mean to animals as a kid and people say this is the first thing to look for in serial killers. I remember still having a lot of empathy for them when I was young too. I look back and cant at all understand why I was like that. It makes me wanna breakdown and punch myself. All of that stopped a really long time ago and every since I have done nothing but helped and empathized with animals. I am every surrounded by them and consider them to be more family than pets. I get extremely upset over anything or anyone who is suffering. I just can’t get that memory of me doing that stuff out of my head and I’m afraid it means it validates my thoughts I’ve been having even though this is not what i want to happen. I’ve been completely avoidant of alcohol and refused to take a medication I was prescribed because irritability was a side effect and I’m afraid of snapping and hurting someone. I just can’t stop thinking about my past and how it could correlate to now. Even though I have grown up to have morals and respect for everything I have a fear that it’s all been a lie. I get so much anxiety from thinking about this stuff. I haven’t eaten in almost 3 days because my stomach is in a constant knot and when I do eat I feel too guilty to do so because I’m not paying attention to these thoughts and sometimes it makes me question whether I secretly want to do bad stuff which I don’t and that scared me so bad. I made an emergency appointment right after I started having these thoughts and they diagnosed me as having schizotypal personality disorder. They said I have been having ocd “tendencies “ because I have the thoughts and constantly googling everything which I guess would be a compulsion. I have been looking on forums for people with past actions similar to mine to see other peoples reactions. I’m not sure what this is anymore. Idk if this is ocd or I’m just using it as an excuse. All I know is that I’m extremely scared. I vowed if this stuff as everything something I would even think about doing I would take myself out before I ever hurt anyone else. It’s scary but it’s what I always tell myself when I doubt any of this.

so today i had to give my manager my notice that i will be leaving the job because my second job is moving me to assistant manager starting so soon. i feel terrible that i let them all down and now that everyone hates me, that i hurt them, and that they’re going to look bad at me and im a fuck up. i just feel like my OCD is making it bigger and i can’t stop ruminating on this and when i think more and more about it it cause me anxiety. is this normal and does anyone else feel this way.

I know it’s not me I know it’s not real and I don’t want to do anything but I feel like I’m going to 🫠😔

This is a newer and more recent thing for me and i’m wondering if anyone else has had this experience and can explain why. I have been having ocd dreams like intrusive dreams. My ocd is telling me it’s because I want these horrible things but I don’t at all and it’s upsetting that I can’t even get away from ocd when I sleep. This is so draining.

I have intrusive thoughts in my mind practically every minute of my life. I exhaust myself fighting them. I dread the night. I cannot sleep . Most evenings I lay awake trying to distract my mind until the sun comes up. I am so very tired. I had OCD since I was a child. But back then I didn't think anything of it because I didn't know that something was wrong. I went to a doctor once. He prescribed medication that made me feel like a walking zombie and even that didn't work 100%.

How can you tell if a thought pops into your head or if you are conjuring it? And does it matter that I can't tell? I am tying my brain in knots trying to work out if the thoughts I have are simply there or if I am creating them/bringing intrusive thoughts and images to mind. It's like I can never truly relax my brain and see it for what it is. It feels like there are a million thoughts in my head at the same time that haven't even materialised into thoughts, but then by being aware of that I am thinking about those thoughts. It is also like my brain is constantly scanning for intrusive thoughts and then inevitably thinking them. Do I need to just accept not knowing/fully understanding my brain?

this is going to be a strange post but bear with me!!!!!!!! a therapist i had once suggested looking at my ocd/intrusive thoughts as being in a car with some weird guy in the back who says all the upsetting ocd stuff. theyre back there and are annoying or offputting BUT ultimately you are driving and can just ignore the weird guy and remind yourself YOURE the one driving, basically. does anyone else personify their ocd thoughts/impulses/fears/etc? if you do, do you get along with this personified guy? or do you argue, or ignore, or shame it? i am currently in the camp of "i hate that guy and he scares me so i dont want to socialize with him" hahahaha. but i wonder, would being curious or empathetic towards the guy maybe help him chill out? i wanna know if anyone else has a personified relationship with their ocd too, and how you treat this personification. :) much love ☺️🌈✨🌷