I looked back at my life wondered if I did terrible things and just don't remember and as much as I can sit here today and say to myself I know I would do that, and I could never forget if I did... I still can't trust myself. I hate this
I’m so sorry you go through this. I always tell myself at moments like this, if I were ever out in those situations, I know my heart and I know I am a good person…I just couldn’t do it. It kinda helps to make those thoughts go away temporarily…until hopefully they’re gone for good. I’ve noticed social media and news makes my ocd and intrusive thoughts worse because I see seemingly normal people going nuts and doing very bad things. This in Turn makes me wonder if I’m capable of doing those things and what if, what if, what if. I try not to watch the news anymore or social media news because of that.
I second this, I had this exact same problem and I feel like it's the best way to deal with it.
Thank you, its hard when you are certain of the fact that person you've created is not you.. its not real..but at one point I panicked so bad its like if I genuinely trusted that I was a good loyal human being why did I doubt myself so much?? Its a vicious cycle. I've come off socials as that was the trigger, just don't want it to become an avoidance
I understand this feeling a ton because SO much treatment for false memory is just “trust that you wouldn’t do that!” But you can NEVER be sure because you very well could have. I’ve found disengaging with the idea or emotion tends to help me. When I’m distracted and off my anxiety I can think a lot more clearly and look back with an unclouded lens and see, “hey, this doesn’t ring any bells. The only reason it feels familiar is the anxiety making it seem like it must have happened because I’m worried about it”
Yeah usually at night when I'm more settled I think back at it and remember that's not me, and the thoughts don't hurt me. The daytime really knocks me back
I'm literally going through the same thing!!! The past two months has been really difficult.
@MandyM I wish I could understand it, I thought I'd got somewhere when I researched ocd as my thoughts are quite simular to some I've seen. But my doc yesterday told me I had Generalised anxiety disorder with unhelpful thoughts. unhelpful..they literally make me want to throw myself infront of a moving bus.
I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.
I know I’ve done something terrible but I can’t remember the details and I worry it could be even worse. I spend every waking moment trying to remember because then at least I’ll know what I have done exactly. I can’t even remember when it happened like what is wrong with me. I don’t have a job anymore and my family is worried for me although I hate it when they are because I hate myself I don’t want their love and kindness anymore it feels wrong to have that. The only thing keeping me going is my siblings but if they knew they would leave me too so I just want to distance myself completely. I’ve already swore to never love anyone or allow someone to love me because it would be wrong. If those are the consequences for my actions then I accept them but I just want to know what I’ve done exactly I beg everyday for my brain to remember and I cry everyday too and hate myself for it because this is all my doing so why am i crying?
I’m worried I’m an actual horrible person and using these as excuses…. I know nobody will understand this and will get confused but I can’t keep pretending everything is okay anymore:( Basically, for a long time, I would think “oh this is wrong, I shouldn’t do it” then a few months later I would be doing that thing? Like this was forever ago but I think about it, how did I not know things were bad when I thought that way? I mean I knew in reality I never actually knew what was okay and what wasn’t okay, and I only went off of what people told me, or the kind of people I was around 11-16 .. I regret these actions and I always end up crying, how did I not know??… I know I didn’t know but … I don’t know…
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