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anyone else get nervous to “look too deeply” into themselves bc of the intrusive thoughts and lies that arise from ocd? when i analyze myself too deeply ocd will tell me that i’m something i’m not

I’m exhausted and feel alone with my ocd. I’ve had it for 17 years and still feel like I need to beat it but I’m never going to get to that point and then if I’m starting to get better it feels unsettling. Can anyone relate? 💜

Does anyone else feel like OCD has become part of their entire life? Like I struggle with showering, using the bathroom, driving, trying to leave my house, cooking, eating, and doing my job. I feel like I’m drowning in it and it’s consuming my entire day and I feel like just breaking down and sobbing everyday over it. I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist but it’s been so bad that it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health and just my quality of life. I have gone through remission before, but it just feels like it has come back stronger and it’s just like seeping into everything in my day, it’s like I can’t ever escape it.

If I think all things done wrong are personal failures for erp are they going to make me do personal failures?

Can somebody relate to these terrifying and reality-shattering doubts? Today I went through a very bad ocd episode after reading a triggering comment. It felt like we don't actually have innate morals, that there is nothing separating me from being a monster. I started spiraling into disturbing questions and I got scared a lot. "If you try to like it maybe you could like it". I was so scared how easily I could see myself becoming a **** who's attracted to that horrible stuff. I was too terrified about the fact that maybe I could start being attracted to that stuff in my head, and that scenario happened TOO easily. I'm not attracted by that stuff, it makes me throw up and cry, but in my head it felt so terrifyingly easy to become a deplorable monster like all those abusers in the world, this parallel reality felt so real and easy. Like all the **** on Hollywood must have become like that because they were exposed to it and they learned to like that perversion right? They're all in it. I got triggered very badly about that scenario, that if I got exposed to it I could start to like it. That my brain could adapt itself to liking it. I don't know how to explain it, I don't even know if you guys can relate to this terrible feeling. It felt in my head like there is a very thin wall separating me from being like a ****, that there is very fragile wall for me, that if I were to be exposed to that stuff that I could actually enjoy that horrible stuff. It's a reality that terrifies me, and in my head this scenario happened too easily, like I'm destined to it or I'm in denial, like "it's a matter of time", and once I try to check if I like it I could actually like it. Like I always avoid little girls, and everytime I notice them I always get triggered and feel distress, but I tried to accept the distress and move on, thinking that it was ocd making feel like I was falsely-attracted, and that I was actually only triggered and nothing else - I never went beyond that - but what if I put it in my mind to accept that I actually liked what I saw? How easy would it be to realise that maybe I was actually attracted and in denial? Or maybe if I crossed the veil of OCD I could discover a horrible truth that I never wanted to know? It's the distress that's making me feel sane, but if I went beyond that? If I tried to experiment the liking would I actually become what I fear the most? Just like that, easily? I'll never cross that veil, because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. But the fact that maybe under it lies an uncomfortable truth will always keep me in uncertainty and unclear about my identity. Of course I would never look up that stuff, I would kill myself, but my head conjured me that I could like it, that it's like something sleeping that it's just waiting to be woke up. I can't tolerate it at all. Those horrible people in Hollywood, they discovered that they liked it after being exposed to it, what if I'm just like them? I could go live all my life just like now, without knowing, but what if in their same scenarion I would have been one of those person that could have like it just like them? I also suddenly got remembered again about that traumatic memory of that person sending an illegal gif out of nowhere, and it was accompanied by this disturbing thought "maybe you could like it". I also had another triggering episode, I was on instagram and a trigger appeared, and I start checking it repeatedly. I was afraid that because I noticed the trigger I was attracted by it so I was trying to find an answer. I need answers, not reassurance, I need to know if you guys experience this too.

I am at my witts end with struggling with this. I can't talk to my partner because they don't seem to understand what I'm going through. Not sure how to tell them they are triggering me when they talk about certain things that make the OCD rise in me. Life has been incredibly stressful. I'm ready to give up on everything.

On December 29, 2021, I experienced my first intrusive OCD thought. When I realized I couldn't shake it, immense dread seemed to overcome me. I spent the next 5 months in my own personal hell, flinching at every single thought, feeling, sensation, and urge. For months I wondered "What in the hell could have caused this to happen? Why am I losing my mind?" It was actually In April though, when it hit me. "Could it be the weed I was smoking every single day to calm down my nerves even though it hasn't done shit but amplify the sensations?" Nahhhhh. But internally, I was considering it.(This might be crazy and possibly triggering so do proceed with caution) Then I had a family trip planned. My immediate family and some older cousins I thought I could trust (One being in her late forties and the other in her twenties, after all.) I got in their car instead of my mom's. Why? Because I felt that stupid dread and wanted to break out of it with my fun cousins. I was determined to relax that day. As I got in, they offered me some weed. At the time, I was 15 and all my family knew I smoked so it was alright with them. I was hesitant at first and declined, but again, I thought fear was trying to tear me down so I said yes. Within 5-10 seconds, the high hit me like a truck. The sky turned red, and they had the music up at full volume playing the same fucking song over and over until we got to my grandmother's house to pick up my younger cousin. They drove like a bat out of hell the whole way there. I was in hell. [I realize this is getting way to long so I'll summarize] The trip sucked, everyone acted like I was a nuisance,we got home at 2 AM, and I didn't sleep for four days straight. It wasn't because of thoughts, anxiety, or anything else OCD related, it was because they laced their weed with something and to this day Ii still don't know with what. I haven't smoked weed since, and a lot of my symptoms are gone from resources I found online (OCD recovery on IG), but I miss the relief weed brought me. . NOW for my important question. Would it be possible for me to smoke weed again, preferably some that's unprocessed and homegrown? It was deeply benefiting me before OCD, but I genuinely believe it was the unnecessary processing and addictives of weed that was hurting me.

Who am I if not my thoughts, sensations, feelings, or urges? I know some people say you are your values or you are your actions. However, aren’t your values and actions dependent on your thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations? How can actions and values even arise without dependence on either a thought, feeling, sensations, or urge?

My problem sounds kinda silly in comparison to others here, but I must say it plagues my daily life so so much that I just need to share it. It would be great if I could get a few advice here. I was diagnosed with OCD a few years back, although the symptoms started quite a few more years back. It’s nothing too serious, but it takes me almost an hour to use the toilet (not bathing). What takes so much time? Cleaning myself and washing my hands mostly. I repeat a set of…what the doctor termed as ‘rituals’ I perceive as ‘necessary’ to wash my hands properly. If I do not complete them, the back of my mind screams “You’re still unclean!”. Even if I manage to avoid my compulsions for one day, on the next, it doesn’t become any easier. A brutal cycle of obsessions and compulsions that needs to be broken every day, but I can’t. I can speed up my ‘rituals’, but not avoid them entirely. This means the time I need in the toilet is still around 45 minutes to an hour. On my worst days, it has even gone for two and a half hours at a time. Although I can continue like this at home, but soon I need to move to college. I know college and dorm life won’t be any kinder to me with this disability of mine. Neither will I be given so much time inside shared washrooms, nor can I avoid the vicious bullying that may come with it. The latter is mostly my assumption, but even normal students face ragging in college; it’s a fact. I would be really glad if anyone with similar conditions who has spent life in dorms alongside peers could share their experiences. How to manage the demon of OCD and how can I survive dorm life? I’m already scared of rumours of ragging I heard from my seniors, but this disability of mine makes life so much worse. I’m really afraid of what the future holds for me.

I’m aware I have ocd and with logic I can see that I shouldn’t be worried and I have things to do and things I’m happy about but I have what ifs in the back of my mind. It’s like following me around and it’s so scary not to mental check or act on it in some way. I know I should move forward but I’m scared to. I think hormones are flaring it up. I’m just catastrophizing or whatever in the back of my mind. I wanna be happy so badly and move on so I can feel free

I think I have a lying problem. And I am struggling a lot. I could use some advice, or just to know it happens to other people. Or I do have one for sure. Sometimes I answer without thinking and it’s a lie and I don’t correct it. I feel horrible about it but I don’t fix it. Sometimes I just say whatever answer even if it’s a lie. I have this awful guilt and embarrassing feeling but I don’t do anything about my lie. Sometimes when meeting strangers I lie about random insignificant things!!! And the worst part is I constantly relive my lies and get very hung up on them. I feel guilty. I think of ways I could fix them. I imagine being confronted and caught in the lie. When I met my partners parents I lied about how I applied to unis, who I trained for a marathon with (I trained and did the marathon, just lied about being part of a run club, WHY??!!!) or the age of my dogs mom. Sometimes I’m scared I lie and I don’t even notice and my partner does. Even with approximations, I struggle with the fact that nothing can be 100-% truth. Does anyone relate?

what do you guys do when it feels so real? i’m doubting everything i ever knew, this is terrifying. it feels so real. stuff i used to be certain about i have no idea anymore.

Does anyone ever have really good days where you think all these thoughts were just silly and then suddenly everything hits you and you can't escape? Do you also question whether it's really OCD or not?

I have a list of people I’ve “raped” or atleast think I’ve raped and it includes children back from when I was a childcare teacher and it’s killing me, i have these memories of these things happening and these flashbacks of maybe me hurting someone and I can’t tell what’s real and what my brain is making up. It physically hurts me to think I might’ve done these things and I can’t live with myself

I grew up very conservative and strict and it definitely fed my ocd. I parted ways with religion because of how I never felt “good enough” even though I tried to follow all of the rules. This was after my church community escorted me from the campus because of the rumor that I was gay, even though I was an 18 year old and had poured my heart and soul into to ministry. Now, even though I’m not religious, I still get so afraid about god and religion and that I’m being “called back to god” like my parents and family begs in their prayers for me every day. Like certain numbers or sayings either feel like messages from god or messages from the devil to try and trick me. The thing is that now, I finally have a comfortable life after being abandoned because they thought I was gay, and I’ve finally rebuilt and have so much better of a life. But I keep getting painful thoughts that this is all a rouse and that satan is intentionally making my life “comfortable” (which I still face a lot of stuff because I have had to grow up and figure things out myself) to trick me from coming back to god. Even though I was severely abused and harmed and manipulated by that community, I’m so scared they are right and that me fighting for my freedom was all a waste, and that I’m going to hell. I do things to mitigate this now like burn incense and repeat phrases and other things but I’m so scared that “god” is trying to save me and call me back to him, and that the people who harmed me so bad were right to and should even more now. It’s so disheartening because I truly feel like I have worked hard to find love and safety with my loving partners and found family. But to my parents, and to my ocd, I’m just living in sin awaiting hell. How do I “expose” myself to this? Like how to I break the fear? It’s lead me to do harmful things to myself, like pulling my head out, scratching, hitting myself, and some other self harm that I feel like I can’t control. It’s really impacting my life and my loved ones now who have seen me conquer so much are now seeing me in such a dark place, and it hurts them too. So the question is are these things signs from god for me to leave this beautiful and safe life I’ve built to fling myself back into a life that is physically and emotionally painful but for the sake of my soul? Or just my ocd that probably stems from growing up in that environment?

I tend to ruminate on the actions I want to take to further my financial success. I often end up not taking steps and end up not showing up for myself. Instead I write plans, in journals and on white boards, on the steps to do it or how much money I would make. But I burn myself out over thinking or am too afraid to take the next step and the next step. I don’t have the money for a life coach or a therapist right now. It’s a vicious cycle.

How do you know if it’s your ocd blowing something out of proportion or it’s actually as serious as you think. Like I want to believe that I’m just over thinking, over-worrying, and catastrophizing, but the thought that I could just be minimizing something or or just biding my time until something horrible is preventing me from being able to manage my ocd.

I literally get these symptoms right after rumination. Does anyone else? It's gotten worse lately. I think it could / likely be related to anxiety but the concern it's gotten progressively worse, to the point where I can't even concentrate a lot of the time. Alzheimer runs in the my family so now I'm worried about that crap. Like I feel like my brain itself has freakin changed (for the worse). Worse memory (because of constant memory checking), worse imagination, more stress, etc. And now daily brain fog, headaches, dizziness, etc.

I know with OCD the more you interact with your thoughts, the worse it gets. However, it is extremely difficult for me to just ignore the thoughts because if I just ignore them, I feel like a bad person for not making sure they won’t come true. Does that make sense. It’s like if I ruminate, I spiral and if I don’t ruminate, I have this lingering feeling of guilt and dread for having such terrible thoughts until I eventually give in ruminate for however long until I finally feel better which is mentally exhausting. Does anyone have any advice?

There is a lot of confusion with some aspects of recovery for a lot of people. I was there too and it's a struggle to know what's good and bad for ocd and why. It's an additional struggle putting it into practice as your brain doesn't trust the new info or perceptions at first. Can you please list or bullet point stuff that you see or hear about ocd that helps but don't know why or don't think you understand? I'm going to try make a detailed post on each one I can help with and maybe post resources such as YouTube videos. I want the misconceptions to be addressed. Ocd thrives on doubt. We shouldn't be doubting the information that will ultimately get us better. I'll post gradually over the week.