Aware of my problem

I really don’t understand myself, I tell myself they’re not real or thinking I’m not in my own head then I overthink that I would do something terrible to someone, then I get super anxious and worked up. I have control over my own self obviously, but if I just let myself go without thinking over my thoughts, I’m afraid something bad would happen. Therapy is helping but I don’t get it. I can be doing something so simple and my mind throws stuff at me, either from trauma, past experiences or something completely made up. I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to overcome this, because I beat myself up every time and think I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve the life I’m living. It’s so hard and some times I just want to give up, because it’s an everyday occurrence. It’s better than it is as but I’m done thinking all these dark thoughts and obsessing over them thinking that I could do these things because they live in my head rent free. I don’t want to do anything it tells me to do, so I fight. I fight hard and hopes that one day it will go away… does anyone else relate? I need someone to talk to about this.

I know this is my OCD and it can make me look like a fool. I’m have been married for 7 years to a sweet loving person who has never hurt me. My OCD is telling me he is going to leave me and I’m going to be alone. ( I have recently lost my a love one and had to step away from my family because of money inheritance ) I have recently decided that I have to shut down my business because of economy . I know my OCD is triggered by stress. Stress that I have been suppressing for the last year and I know my brain is just sticking and picking up everything. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling wave of anxiety and uncertainty that it makes it hard for the bed . This morning I had to work myself out of bed and go for a walk with my dog in the park, which helped a lot. I just keep beating myself up because I let myself get to this place. I saw all the signs and I ignored them all. I feel so foolish 🥺 I went through something like this before 2017 and I feel like I’m always going through some level or mental illness that my husband has to help me with and it is so disappointing with myself because why can’t I just have a normal brain. Why can I just have a mind simply works and I don’t have to keep manually shift it out of gears I’m scared my husband and people that I have close to me don’t you say that I’m too much just discard me. And I thought with myself to say that I’m not too much. I’m just going to human experience and that I’m a little bit more. I’m just extremely frustrated. I’m just sad that I’m back at this place again. I’m happy if not as severe as it was when I first had my OCD breakdown, but I’m still disappointed in myself. I should’ve took better care of my mental well-being. I should’ve focused more on that and focusing on other things that knew my mental.

Struggling today with my thoughts and maybe some dissociation. I can’t get any clear thoughts. I felt like lately I’ve started to recover and then the past few days have felt so hard. I feel scared for the future. I am scared I don’t have enough hope for living with ocd. I am scared that I’m not gonna be happy. I’m scared I’ll chose to end my life over this. I’m scared I’ll want to end my life. I feel weird. My thoughts are jumbled today. Something feels like it’s going to happen and that’s what is giving me anxiety.