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This ocd break down really messed up this time I’m just full of guilt and shame I want to keep going but I never will have 100 percent of the scenarios I imagined never happened

I have some scenarios that where full of anxiety and intrusive thoughts that scared me felt like I did something wrong but that I asked around my family members they said I didn’t anything wrong but I just feel so guilty and horrible.

I don't even really know if this was ever OCD. Or maybe my obsession is real. I feel like this was all deeeep denial. Anyone else?

Has anyone had success with meds and ocd? I suffer from overthinking. I Can’t get out of my head . I know results can vary just looking for some hope or light at the end of the tunnel. It’s really hard to live like this.

I have a constant need to confess past sexual fantasies to my boyfriend. the problem is I can’t figure out which ones were real and which ones were sexually intrusive thoughts (which i deal a lot with). When it comes down to it, I don’t know if this is a compulsion to confess or if I owe it to him bc it’s a form of cheating. I feel disgusted with my past thoughts/sexual fantasies. They are constantly playing in my head and I’m always wondering what my real intentions were during them. Is this something I am obligated to confess to him? these happened almost 2 years ago and some even longer. I just feel like if i confess one, I’ll just fixate on another and need to confess that too. I feel like a disloyal partner for having those thoughts and i don’t know how to deal with that.

So, I have OCD, that part, obviously, wont come as much of a shock... But lately it just feels like I have been spiraling and, honestly, it is effecting those around me.. I know it is time for me to get help, but I can't help but have some sense of fear going into it.. A little bit about my OCD. For starters, I didn't know there were so many categories, with such, I don't have all the right words to say this is or isn't what I have, but I will explain it here. I have a son, he is almost two, and for as long as I can remember now (I think it started once he had actually moved into his own bed room) I have to kiss him 3 times before bed. All at once, but it has to be left cheek, right cheek, and forehead. Then I put him down to sleep, don't even get me started on how it is if I "don't get a good enough kiss" or he moves or whatever it might be that messes it up, but anyways. I feel like I have to do this in order for him to be safe at night. The weirdest part is that I only have to do this when putting him down for bed at night, not for naps. But I feel like if I don't, he will certainly die in his sleep. When I am leaving the house for work each morning I have pretty much the same routine, but the important part comes when I am actually leaving the house. I have to lock my door from the inside, using the handle, not with the key. I can't really pinpoint why it has to be this way, but I am thinking maybe because i feel to vulnerable using the key to lock the door? I don't know, by the way, I am also really good at thinking up these really elaborate stories of what can happen if I don't pay attention to XYZ.. anyways, After locking the door with the handle, I pull the door closed, and then I pull it harder one time so I hear a click, after that I test the door knob by jiggling it 3 times before I can go. I do this because I feel like if I do not, my home isn't locked and someone will break in and kill my family while I am away. Every morning on my way to work I pray the same prayer, because if I don't, someone I love will certainly die. I have before facetimed my boyfriend while he has been downstairs with the baby and I was up in my room, supposed to have been asleep, just so he can show me our son is alive and well. I can get it into my head almost always that something awful has happened to him and I can't shake it without being able to confirm he is in fact okay. I once was up way to late one night worried about the smoke alarms in my home. It got so bad I had to physically get out of bed to check each one because I felt as though if I did not, our house would catch fire and we wouldn't know. Because in my head, if I didn't see that it 100% worked, it simply didn't. Honestly, the list could go on and on, but, at this point it is starting to effect those closet to me as well. I know I need to get help, but honestly, I am just a little scared. The last time I had been put on medications to handle mental illness, it made me a completely nub robot and I hated it. Literally, while I was on the medication a family member had passed and it had little to no effect on me emotionally. So much so that it scared my mom and I was taken off the meds immediately. I am scared of not being myself. I know it is a process and I know its just about finding the right mix for me, but I am just scared because I can't look at it and say it'll be this long until something works, you know? It is all unpredictable, which makes it scary. But I want to be better. For myself and those around me.

Has anyone experienced fear of not falling asleep? I have never had sleep issues before but after a bout of jet lag 3 months ago, my sleep has been terrible. This last week, I’ve only managed to sleep 3-5 hours a night because I’m just so SCARED of not sleeping. I’m unable to function because I’m obsessing about not sleeping and the terrifying effects it has on the mind and body. I’m afraid I’m going to end up losing my mind from not sleeping. Last night I was able to get 4 hours of deep sleep, but I was in bed for a total of 14 hours and just tossed and turned. Can anyone relate to this? I’m so scared I’ve been vomiting and nonstop crying 💔😭

can ocd give us false feelings? I had an intrusive thought and I’m scared I liked it.

I don’t know what to do anymore, my OCD has really started to mess with my work life. I have gotten written up for my absences because I just can’t work up the motivation to go to work, it just gives me so much anxiety and stress to even think about work but I have worked so hard to get to where I am with this career and I just don’t know what to do and I am stressing so much because I am so miserable

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

Does anyone else just feel like their mere fucking existence is bothersome to any living or breathing creature. The amount of times I say sorry for absolutely butt fuck nothing is insane. The amount of times I need someone to double check that what I’m doing is right or tell me that the text I’m sending is okay or that whatever situation I just experienced is okay and that I did nothing wrong. And then I actually become more bothersome by trying to not be bothersome cuz I burden the fuck out of the poor people in my life by asking them if every single thing I part take in is OKAY!?!?!!?? Ugh. I’m so sick of this how do I stop.

how to not get frustrated with yourself when you do a compulsion (especially if it’s one that you always do)

I was on the nocd live the other night and they told me that if you enjoy/like your intrusive thoughts then it isn’t ocd. i thought you could feel anything to an intrusive thought and it does not have to mean anything?

Does anyone else worry that you or others they have confessed to or sought reassurance from are downplaying or minimizing things that are actually a problem or bad? How do you know for sure if you downplaying something that is bad?

I hope this post can find someone who is currently going through false memory ocd. I just want to say, I have been dealing with false memory OCD for the past two months. I’ve gotten into depression because of it. But today, I had an awakening that truly made me wake up from this nightmare. Call me weird, but I sat in my living room couch and pictured myself as how I was without OCD or its thinking patterns. I also pictured myself as how I am now with OCD tendencies. I started to conversate about what I am currently going through and I was just able to step out of that ocd bubble and stepped out as a normal person with normal thinking behaviors and let me tell you I laughed. I was so in that head space of not having the agony of fear and anxiety weighing over my head at that moment, instead I felt ‘free’ like when I did when I didn’t have OCD. My point here is, today I realized how much OCD can ruin your life and distort memories in this case. In terms of false memory or OCD adding stuff to a memory, it’s so funny how we fall into that trap. This may sound harsh, but realistically you just know when you do something bad or if you didn’t. Yes, bad memory can come into play and other natural/normal things. But a person with OCD with good memory, come on, don’t we see that our ENEMY is doubt. Your brain is just naturalized to grasp onto things that point out. For example, my real event OCD memory is about that I had an intrusive thought to be friendly to a guy behind my boyfriend’s back. All I can think ‘with ocd tendencies’ did i just act on that, did I smile more when I had that thought because I was smiling during this. See what I mean, a person with no OCD would come to me and say you just know. I didn’t go out of my way and start having a conversation with this guy, simply although my ocd finds it hard to grasp on to this but I was just smiling to whatever the guy was saying and this thought came in the midst that’s all. I realized that the ‘ what if’s’ are simple fears. There are no ‘what if’s’ from past events im sorry. It’s a simple yes or no because you just feel it within yourself. I also realized people with OCD over stretch things. For example, the day of my false memory I told my boyfriend that the thought was about flirting when I know it felt as being friendly because I wanted to give him worst case scenario. Not only that but I came across this YouTube video that distorted it more for me. This doctor on YouTube said ‘ you tend to remember a memory best, when you remember it the first time. I had an immense amount of anxiety now asking myself if the thought felt flirtation. But I will not let a video or no man come and torment it more for me. We have to be careful with things we hear and watch. To continue, We have to come to realization that if you are doubting yourself and omg did I do this or did it play out like that, come on step out of that bubble and see the root of this. So much unhealed trauma that we drag with us every day. The problem is never the problem but the way we interpret situations and how much of a big deal we make it when it’s so small. You know yourself and you know when you do bad things or not. It makes you unstable to sit here and doubt your every action. Accept for the things that you do and move on and stop dwelling on the what ifs. God has not called us to be double-minded but single-minded. The Bible says ‘ a double minded man is unstable in all his ways’ James 1:8. You got this, sit yourself as a person with a normal thinking pattern or who you used to be without OCD and picture yourself with your ocd tendencies in front of you and talk it out. God is with you, we can do this. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I am very bad I used to to do my compulsion a number of time in different days and than i ended it right and i started doing compulsion only on the day they appeared bc if i made them the next day it's wrong and i have to make it in different days and do another compulsion to he right i different days idk how to explain but it's ruling my life i feel tired stuck i feel loney and with no hope please help me i need someone to talk to

My bf and I of one month spend a lot of time together. but recently I feel relieved when he’s gone and prefer to be alone. The love I show him feels forced. I hate feeling this I don’t want to. He reassures me that it’s just OCD and I do love him and then I feel better and in love but then it happens again. I’m scared deep down I am losing feelings but am in denial. He’s such a great guy I don’t wanna feel this. But I feel like I want to push him away or do my own thing a lot of times and I HATE IT!! I’m so sad and frustrated. Can OCD cause this? Or should I break it off ):

I feel that I cannot go on sometimes, I feel that I would harshly judge anyone with my problem and with my thoughts, what does this mean and how do I stop it from killing me?

I'm having a hard time with these thoughts and was wondering if anyone could provide insight. Thank you. One of my intrusive thoughts is "What if you intentionally go and get soap, oil, toothpaste and smear it on your TV," and my compulsion is to check to see if I've smeared anything on my TV. The next intrusive thought is triggered by wearing my CPAP mask, which actually leaks a tiny bit of air. The intrusive thoughts is "Oh no, there is a tiny bit of air leaking and it's going to hurt your eyes," and my compulsion is to readjust my mask. The next thought is a bit tricky, and really tripping me up. The thought is saying "Since your CPAP mask is actually leaking a tiny bit of air, you need to put a tiny bit of soap, oil, toothpaste on your TV. Since your CPAP seal is imperfect, you need to make other things imperfect intentionally. If you don't, you're doing therapy wrong by not making things equally imperfect." This has been really hard to deal with, and it's really making me confused and tired. I'd like to add that I know a tiny bit of air escaping from my CPAP mask isn't a big deal. Would I prefer no leak at all, well yeah. And I know that smearing some soap/toothpaste/oil on my TV wouldn't be the end of the world, but at the same time, I don't want to do that. I don't want to risk damaging my TV.

I feel like im becoming more and more disgusting, shameless. I feel like I'm going back to the horrible things I used to do. What if OCD is the reason I'm a good person? And what if I'm not OCD anymore and I will become a horrible person like i used to? What if my partner is not important for me anymore? Or what if I always act "cute" and become an attention seeker like before and what if i start to become a disgusting love chaser? What if I become the same attention seeker, selfish, obscene, abusive, unfaithful, reckless, liar, pretender as I was before? What if i've never changed? I don't even react to OCD with bad feelings like I used to. It's like I like my thoughts. I feel like im proud to be evil and unfaithful and disgusting. I just want to feel disgusted towards to my thoughts. It's like I started doing the disgusting things I used to do again, enjoying it and normalizing it. I always feel like im pretending, acting a role to be different or be the center of attention. I feel like a narcissist. I feel like I don't respect other people as individuals. I feel like im manipulating everyone to convince them that im innocent... I still have thoughts that blame my partner for him being avoidant. I always want to accept and love him as he is. Without being disrespectful, expectant, unaccepting, unfair, ungrateful, unsympathetic... My mind tells me that I'm obsessive, that I'm exaggerating my partner. And my mind makes me feel like it's okay if I'm unfaithful to him, if I cheat on him, if I find someone "better" than him, and that it won't make me feel bad... I DON'T want to feel like that. Even if my partner is not the best like before, I want him to be the best *for me*. I want to be determined, devoted, extremely loyal to him, i want to love him. I want to keep choosing and doing all these things. I want to be a good person for people and especially for my partner. I feel like I've become the disgusting person I used to be. I want to remain a good person. People always badmouthed avoidant people and blamed my partner against me. And people always said "youre obsessed, you're exaggerating your partner" to me. Even though i did not. Is it wrong to love someone this much? I questioned. I don't want to blame people, but could people's comments be affecting me and my thoughts? Did I let someone else control me? I don't want to give up on my partner, be a bad person, a bad partner.