I feel that I cannot go on sometimes, I feel that I would harshly judge anyone with my problem and with my thoughts, what does this mean and how do I stop it from killing me?
Mate - the very day my first impactful intrusive thought came in (10 years ago) it was like I lost the ability or wasn’t ‘allowed’ to feel happiness and calmness. It’s like my existence changed. I instantly didn’t like food anymore … felt nothing for my family and worse. Horrible
@gp Thank you, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had this since I was 13/14 and everytime I came out of it I would realize my thoughts were so illogical and that my suffering was so pointless but this time is different and I can’t really figure out why. I remember and regret so much how I didn’t appreciate the times when I could be sad or upset over normal people stuff and now all I do is feel disgust and hatred towards myself. I really wish you well. Thank you for the reply
It means that you are really overwhelmed at the moment. I had this last month and I stopped talking for a week. Everything felt like too much. It would help to speak to someone like a therapist. I'm also here to listen if you want to talk about what's on your mind.
@Studybug Thank you, can I ask if you’ve ever had a period where you lost all hope and then recovered, I’ve had ocd for a long time but it has never felt this bad before even when k was 16 and I couldn’t even leave my house to go to the grocery store.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. 🧡 I also wish that I had been happier and more appreciative of my life before it got so bad this last year. I’m terrified of being judged harshly for what’s in my head. You’re not alone. 🧡 But although I have my horrifying moments, I have my good moments too. Overall, I’m more hopeful now than I was five months ago, if that’s encouraging. :)
@Samm1999 Thank you, it really is.
I started seeing every little thing as a sin. Or at least things that will bring bad karma. Everything, even little things like listening to music or enjoying a meal. In my eyes, everything everyone is doing is mostly sins and it terrifies me to death. It scares me to the point of paralysis and I can’t even do anything anymore because everything is a sin in my eyes. I’ll definitely spiral if I think about it more, but if I don’t, I feel like I’m lying to myself. I don’t even have confidence that this is OCD anymore. What if I’m right (I’m not necessarily wrong according to my religious doctrines, not that I’m a 100% sure) and nothings going to help me, not even therapy? And if most things humans do are sins anyway, what’s the point of anything? (See how it starts relating to an existential crisis) I’m terrified that no one’s gonna be able to help me anymore. I feel like I’m at wits ends. I don’t practice Christianity btw. Any insights or even “me too”s would help.
I can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore. It’s like my moral compass/rationality is completely broken. I could just shut my feelings down whenever. It might sound like a good thing but it also means I wouldn’t feel any remorse or guilt or negative emotions if I were to do something immoral (hypothetically speaking). In contrast, sometimes my feelings get so deep in the way that my rationality cannot win no matter what. My brain does that out of nowhere and I hate it because it ends up triggering my OCD theme and I have to start back up to be able to cope again. It’s like I’ve developed this intense intolerance towards any sort of stress whatsoever, even the good type of stress that helps you grow. My brain just shuts down and mentally I become a kid again and I can’t listen to logic no matter what.
Does anyone else experience this lingering fear and anxiety because they think they’re capable of hurting someone? It’s killing me. I feel like I’m such a danger. I feel like I’m a predator. I feel like this awful person and I can’t shake it. I want to carry on with my day but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’ve done awful things. I can’t stop crying.
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