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Ugh I wanna cry. ERP therapy feels like torture. I know I need it but I wanna cry. I’m tortured

Does anybody else’s intrusive thoughts come in the form of “delusional thoughts”? I’ve been in a terrible episode of hypochondria or ocd for the past 6 months where I have FULLY convinced myself I am developing schizophrenia, it started with becoming really easily overstimulated and not being able to concentrate and now it has spiraled out of control to where I am constantly getting intrusive thoughts center around demonic stuff, which i have never ever believed before, I have always been skeptic. But now i get these thoughts all the time like “what if this song has hidden demonic meanings?” “What if your wife is a demon” “what if nobody is real and your just in hell” “what if this political figure if just being controlled by the devil”, the typical kind of delusional thoughts you would expect from a schizophrenic. Not only does the fact that I’m even having these thoughts in the first place scare the life out of me, but I have to constantly battle with these thoughts in my head if I believe them or not. I feel like I have to constantly hold myself back from fully going off the deep end, I feel like I have to constantly disprove these thoughts and stop myself from believing them, but they feel so real and it’s scaring me so much. One part of me is like “why can’t we just stop worrying about this, this is delusional” and another part of me is like “what if I actually do need to worry about if these things are true or not, they FEEL true” and I’m just like “wtffff I shouldn’t have to worry about if things like this are true at all in the first Place!” I feel like I have fully lost my mind, and in no time I’m going to lost this little bit of insight I have. Btw: yes I am seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist and all of them do not believe I am developing schizophrenia.

My OCD has been flaring since last night and all morning. Then I get a moment of clarity and apply the tools that I've learned, ground myself again, and continue on with my day. Then a slight thought will trigger my OCD and I'm fighting it again. It keeps happening and its still just 10 am right now. Has this happened to anyone else? What things have you done or told yourself that were helpful for you when this happened to you?

I was offline for a long time and a lot happend. So I'm going to tell you all my OCD in my case my SOCD and ROCD story. Yes I have Ocd. Yes I have Anxiety. Yes I struggeld imensly with HOCD but I am a LOT better now. My sickness doesnt define me and it took a lot of time to accept that, becouse OCD is full of doubt. Im going to tell you my Story in Hopes, that it will help someone get through this. I have OCD and ADHD both ilnesses just got diagnosed two years ago but I had symptoms my whole childhood. I got extremly anxious when something out of the ordinary happend, like an unplanned visit or somethingwas not placed were it had bern before, but also so exited that something new was Happening that I couldnt sit still. Having OCD and ADHD for me is like being pulled from two sides. It's being scared of everything but also so impulsive that I think I need to do all the compulsions. That means in my childhood years I was just confused I'm imensly attracted to men but when I had thoughts that I could have a crush on a close friend of mine I was just confused. I didn't really felt anything romantic but had a fear that I could have. But to this time my ADHD wasn't medicated and that meant my OCD wasn't in the front so my imupulsivity didn't allow me to have longer thoughts or actions. My OCD started getting worse with my ADHD medication. It was the time that I got together with my now fiance and I had constant fears like "what if I didn't love him","what if he is not the one for me" and I asked EVERYONE in my close proximity for validation. That I'm not doing something wrong. That I'm not a bad person. But one day OCD hit me so hard I almost couldn't breath. Like I mentioned earlier I always had a fear about the topic "what if I'm a lesbian" and one day in my mother's house the thought came and didn't want to go. I was so anxious, filled with shame, scared and terrified becouse I know I'm not a homosexual woman.Simultaneously came the thought if I didn't want to be gay that has to mean I'm homophobic. I'm not a lesbian, I'm not homophobic but this thoughts, urges, mental images and "feelings" made my life the past two years a living hell. I started checking my arousal constantly, started trying to picture myself as a lesbian, started being scared of rainbows, women and men and just about the possibility of living a lie wich I knew I didn't. But still I was so full of doubt that I spend days doing compulsions and just didnt had the courage to stop, I started masturbating to lesbian media to see if I get turned on, watching WLW tiktoks to check my arousal and making every am I gay guiz and video I could find but still after this, and not knowing why I was doing this, now I know that they were compulsions, this little spark of "yeah I did something to prevent my sexuality from changing" but still feeling extremly anxious all the time and full of doubt made me do them all the time. I didn't know I had OCD back then so it was more scary but soon I found what was "wrong" with me. I searched on the Internet for quizzes and just answers when I stumbled over an article that informed about a subtype of OCD ,SOCD. After reading that article I had a light-bulb moment, one that I feared I would get while watching lesbian media but never got. After knowing what's "wrong" with me things didnt get easier, I was close to losing my boyfriend who I love dearly and losing a job I had got two months. The compulsions and this doubt didn't seem to stop. I talked with my psychiatrist about my "ilness" and she confirmed to me that I have indeed OCD and I just felt numb, I thought I would be happy but I was just sad. I broke my boyfriends heart multiple times by asking if he thinks I love him and questioning everything our relationship, our sexlive and our future. I spend so much time analysing my arousal and attraction to women and men that I almost was "sure" that I'm lesbian and just wanted to be done with it. I didn't want to be so anxious so every outcome was "fine" for me. I wouldn't be happy as a lesbian because I don't like the female genitalia and am a suckered for Men but I just was tired. Tired of doubting my love, my sexuality and my whole existence. But somehow, I m not really sure how, it all got better. After losing my Job and needing to go to the JobCenter, something in my head made "click". Me and my boyfriend were now together for three years and have experienced so much hardships, beauty and fun that I went to the next jewellery shop and bought two rings and asked him to be my husband. I had a massive anxiety attack after that, that made my OCD head spin with questions like, was this the right time, do I even want him and so on. But I am so imensly thankful that I have such a cool, attractive, annoying and hilarious fiance and even if my had thinks Im doubting seeing him in our new forever home is a sight so beautiful that I never thought I would have the honour to see. I still struggeld with OCD months after that and still do but after getting a new job and a new place to live with my fiance I feel really better now. I don't want to say you need to find a fiance, a new job, and a new home to beat OCD you just need to find your spark again, something that drives you wild. I still question if listening to songs produced by homosexuals means I'm gay, even if I know it's bullshit. I'm still scared of not checking my arousal and fearing of missing a sign that would totally kill me if it were true. I really think we people with OCD must just accept, "Yes, I have OCD and yes I have and will have massive anxiety over my subtype of OCD but it's just me. I have full control even if my head tries to tell me otherwise". OCD doest define me and it doesn't define you. It probably will never go away and "HECKYEAH!!" after almost beating my HOCD I can almost feel my other type of OCD rising, my constant fear of sickness and death but I'm prepared. I know myself a whole lot better now and even if it sounds strange writing the words "lesbian", "gay", "homosexual" still triggers me so much that I want to dii compulsions, that I want to check if I feel something I'm not going to do it and most importantlyI dont need to. OCD changed me but not in the way I thought and feared it would. I now can say I don't care about what my sexuality is and about labels becouse I just love a Human that happens to be the most attractive man I've ever seen, with all my heart and cant imagine a live without him in it. I feel really happy and grateful I finally can talk my friends again without constantly fearing that I want to sleep with them and finding woman beautiful without thinking I'm not straight. I'm still not 100% there yet and I'll probably never will but that's okay. We don't need to have everything figured out. Yes, I have OCD. Yes, I have ADHD. And yes, I struggeled and still struggle with HOCD but that doesn't define me. We people with OCD know that our fears are just in our heads. I just wish everyone that read this far, wich I know are going to be a LOT of immensly anxious, scared and confused individuals that want an answer NOW, IMMEDIATELY, or I will die this second and even if this second passes its the next second and so on. You know yourself better than OCD ever will. I can only say. I've been there, I know how hard it is and knowing, no-one else in my close range thinks like this, to think I'm going insane and feeling like a total outcast because the compulsions and thought, pictures, "feelings" and urges just dont seem to stop and sadly they probably never will. OCD can come from your GENES, trauma or something else. But that isn't important you have it and you can live with it. I wasted two years on OCD in trying to figure out a question which I had an answer to my whole life but the "what ifs made" me so terrified that I could lose myself that I did so much compulsions I didn't do anything else. But belive me if you feel immens pressure in your chest and tummy and anxiety it is OCD. And please for the love of God, sorry I m passed becouse I found this out, really late and it's just really funny and dumb. If you have a thought that starts with "What if" Or ""I'm so scared that" And doenst go away and wants you to do research or other compulsions. This is probably OCD. Don't use this as a compulsion. Fear is never good in giving direction. And please, please remember. You are still here on this planet and live a live that could end in a heart beat. I really don't know who is reading this and I also don't care. If you read this, this is for you. My complete OCD Story that will go on for the rest of my life but never will stop me or you from being happy. Go out, have fun, meet friends, fall in love or dont but just put your phone and thoughts aside and live. OCD is a sickness and has patterns find yours and learn about yourself. I have OCD and when you read that far you probably to but don't let our sickness define us. Let's live the best live we can even if we feel anxious and want to check everything you font need to have everything figured out. Trust in yourself, You are a strong Human but I know it takes time. Just remember that whoever reads this if you don't belive that you can live a happy live with OCD than be sure that I belive in you. I have OCD. I have ADHD. But even if I have them. I'm still myself and even if it's still hard I love myself. And I strongly belive in you, whoever reads this and that your big and scary OCD monster will get smaller. Till then make fun of yourself, make fun of OCD, Bully the Bully, don't take yourself so seriously and just relax. I have a lot to do today so I should really stop writing... But just one last point. Search professional help. If you are to deep in OCD it's the best thing ib getting the hold and medications help. I really wish all of you the best.

It made me even forget how ocd works. Ocd is lying and often the thing we fear about cant happen its just our imagination, but right now im afraid of falling back where i was when i had really bad ocd, so im afraid of a really bad relapse. And i keep feeling that it will come, i have the same emotions and my mindset starts to shift back too... im afraid tko feel those emotions again, to feel that bad. But i know this feeds my ocd... then the solution is let it come back, let myself get that relaose and all the scary emotion just that i can show my brain its not dangerous? It sounds stupid tho..

anyone have advice on how to continue participating in your fave activities, hobbies, ect when you're having specific intrusive thoughts about those exact things that you typically enjoy? ocd has *really* been attacking my special interests, hobbies, work, ect. I usually just push through and let the thoughts happen while I'm doing them anyways, but it gets honestly exhausting.

Hi guys! I'm actually doing pretty well lately but this obsession is sticking, and I don't like it. It's kind of sexual and disgusting so be warned. Basically, when I was 14, I was sitting next to my 7 sister and adjusting my pants. My hand accidentally slipped and pressed between my legs. It felt good, obviously. I knew then that doing sexual things around others was not okay, but for whatever reason, I subtly pushed my hand there again. I didn't do it again, and nobody saw, but it's so disgusting. I was next to my sister. And I was 14—that's a high schooler, a ninth grader. I should have known better by then. I know people always say there's no age to stop making mistakes, but this is about hard boundaries. It's incredibly inappropriate. I feel really bad about it and I genuinely think what I did was wrong, and that I deserve to—not go to jail, I don't think I'm a criminal or anything, but I deserve to be treated with disgust at least. I don't think this is forgivable. Am I overreacting? Please help me out, guys. Thank you!

I’ve had the same themes of ocd on and off for years. I have a new theme i’ve never had before now. Has that happened to anyone else?

How’s everyone doing? I’ve had 2 really great days followed by today where the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have come back a little. Sigh. It’s such a non-linear journey. Curious how everyone else has been?

Hey, So I was supposed to finish school in 2020 but Covid kinda messed that up so I graduated in 2021. I always had the plan to study nursing but with my OCD and the pandemic I opted to wait and take a sort of gap year. Fast forward to the present day with exception to a job or two here and there I have no career. I’m 21 unemployed and feel completely lost and isolated. I have no direction in life. OCD caused me to ghost all my friends in 2022, I have nobody except my dogs. Leaving the house to go to the shop gets more intense and scary each time I do it, my ocd is only getting worse

I am not educated that well with the different types of OCD. But being here opened me up to it all. I am struggling with intrusive thoughts and i can’t stop thinking of those thoughts until i physically feel ill or nauseous. I struggle with getting over things that has hurt me especially when I see the people who have hurt me the flashbacks always come. I am not sure if this is a form of OCD. I just can’t stop thinking of the certain thing and I feel as if I am self sabotaging myself when I have good things in-front of me because my intrusive overthinking thoughts will not stop.

Why it does? Like i understand anxiety and ocd, it wants us to keep us safe. But what about intentionally gives sou thoughts that makes you feel guilt or discust, or just crying, and it knows its bad for us but it keeps giving the story. Like if something shameful happened to you and it keep making you thinking about it and makes you crying... how to stop that?

My depression is really hitting me hard lately due to an episode i had in November im on antidepressants to help treat my obsessive thoughts which is working but it’s doing nothing for my depression if not making it worse??? (not sure if that’s possible) Im still in school which is making things complicated for me, i just want to rest but i have to finish school. I was supposed to start ERP on Tuesday but i cancelled so i can “prioritize graduating” which probably wont even happen for me because im drained and have very low motivation. I speak with my psychiatrist next month about upping my dosage of antidepressants but until then i just have to manage with what i have. I keep getting rude remarks from people even when they know im suffering saying things like “you’re giving up” im not if it was really up to me i would isolate and sleep but im fighting and sometimes its not easy and all i end up doing all day is sleeping but sometimes i cant help it. Its exhausting and the episode i had in November was traumatic, i don’t need pity from these people but some surface level understanding of what im dealing with would be nice. It feels like my mom is the only one who sees how much im fighting everyday to not let my brain consume me, it’s a constant battle that i don’t always win. Sorry for this rant im just so tired.

Anyone else scared to stop compulsions incase the thoughts come true? This is why I’m reluctant to do ERP 🙈!

Does anyone else have those nights where you come home from a long day at work, or being around people all day with a social battery and energy that is depleted? You are exhausted but when you try and sleep just cant seem to do so? Like your brain filled with thoughts, worries, OCD negativity etc. just keeps playing over and over in your head like a broken record on repeat? You toss and turn or sometimes just cry yourself to sleep in exhaustion and sadness and frustration? Anyone have any advice to help with this or calm the brain to help for a better sleep? Could use some sleep and rest.. Thanks 🫶

I am having surgery on Friday and I am worried while I am loopy from anaesthetic that I will expose myself or start saying my intrusive thoughts out loud. I am so scared of this and scared I’ll say stuff and not remember then everyone will know. Help

I hate this I hate this I hate this..I just finished therapy and I couldn't even say the story right. Along with that my thoughts switch to my boyfriend being the intrusive thoughts and the ex being "the partner" LIKE NOOOOOO I want my boyfriend and I want to get rid of this girl in my head. I don't want to be gay, I don't want this ex..I don't ever want this ex I want my boyfriend I always wanted my boyfriend. Please I just want my boyfriend I don't wanna lose my boyfriend I don't want to be a cheater I don't want this ex. I was 13... JUST 13 WHEN I DID THAT MISTAKE THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WAMT THE EX. I blame my head it's so unfair.. first it told me I was gonna cheat on my boyfriend because of this friend of his...after spiraling and telling myself I would never do such thing to my lover, I was feeling great and oki knowing I would never EVER do that to my boyfriend..it made me remembered what I did when I was 13 thinking I was a cheater all along and quickly said "do you feel bad for the ex? Do you want the ex then? Should you go back? You should" like bro I just GOT OUT OF A HELL HOLE YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. I only was feeling bad for my past mistakes that doesn't mean I want the person back. I don't want them back I was just scared of how that would change my now relationship slightly knowing what I did when I was a PRE TEEN. Now this person has become my intrusive thoughts and it has been worse than ever. I really don't want this ex ik I don't. It's just making me feel bad for this other person and telling me what to do. I don't want this ex. I just had a thought because I saw the ex account and it triggered me then a thought said "I wish I was with the ex like all the time" | felt panicked and it felt real. I just want my boyfriend Ryan he's better way better.

I don't think about other people a lot, and when I do it's usually OCD bad stuff. Gift giving times are the worst because I'm expected to go out and get people things, which is a really nice thing to do, but what if I get the gift wrong? I could ask, and that's ok, but why am I so against this gift giving? I find it so hard to give anything. Giving attention, giving love, feeling love. I'm so empty, and in this time I need to get people things to show that there's something in here when I'm just so selfish and nothing. I'm lonely, but I just want to keep to myself. I want to care and feel love but everything hurts and I'd rather go the full day not talking to anyone. This sucks. What's wrong with me. Why do people expect so much of me. Or is it just me? My mom pisses me off so much because she always makes me feel guilty for not being the perfect happy person so I can be pleasant for others and not a rude inconvenience. I'm tired of thinking. The only reason this is happening right now is because my life long friend that I'm not so close with now thanked me for a gift I never bought him. My mom probably gave it to him with my name on it, how nice. I feel bad for not gifting him anything for two occasions, and he gifted me something really nice, but we're so different now. Times have changed, we're far apart, I have other friends, sometimes he says things that makes me uncomfortable. He's going through it, so I stick around to give him someone to talk to, but we just aren't close anymore and I don't know if I can be close. What am I? What is this? Why is this happening?

How am I suppose to get better when OCD makes me doubt if I want to get better 😭. It feels like I just want to live in my OCD thoughts. It’s so scary!

How were you able to finally take the risk that you could be a horrible human being or could have done horrible things? How were you able to do it? That’s where I am struggling. I totally get the concept of a thought is a thought and it’s not dangerous. But if what I fear is true, it would be horrendous and I’m so scared to let go. I’m so scared to take the chance that I could be a monster. So if you have any advice for how you were able to let go and take the risk, I would love to hear it. Each time I try, I just get more scared and revert back.