Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anyone get into a state of dissociation from having so much mental compulsions? I’ve been in a dissociative state for 2 months now and I do not know how to get out of it😭😭

I have been working with Kristine Guerra and we have made some big steps on my journey to recovery! In just a few weeks I have been seen almost 50% decreases in my symptoms. I have been enjoying my time with my daughter while having intrusive thoughts and still some doubt in myself but I have been able to go to work and be efficient, go to the gym, eat regularly, be social, and enjoy my time with my family. I really have been practicing my communication with OCD and basically just letting it know that it can stop lying to me. Yes I still have mental compulsions and physical behaviors but I am feeling like I am getting better at controlling it. The busier I am the less I think and when a thought pops into mind I just let OCD know "it is more than welcome to be here and it isn't going to stop me anymore." I really never thought that I would be feeling like I am today and I am so grateful and want to encourage anyone who deals with any type of theme to get help from someone and be open to sharing your experience with a professional. Is it awkward? Yes it can be but you also have to recognize that you are just trying to care of yourself. If we cannot be the best version of ourselves then we cannot live our life to the extent that we want to. I was so tired of moping around and being sad and feeling like I couldn't enjoy the moment. In reality we do not know when our last day will be. It could be after I write this or it can be somewhere in the future. Like they say in recovery or life in general "you can't be 100% certain about anything in life" and that is why accepting uncertainty makes you look at life in a whole different perspective and should be eye opening to you and make you want to just have fun. Finding what makes you happy takes time and especially when you are in a low state of mind it can be difficult to get out of that funk and get back to who you really are. Trying those new things in life, taking risk, facing your fears and developing into a stronger individual all comes from the struggle of having OCD in my opinion. I believe that OCD is a test to how much you can handle and is an obstacle to make you a better individual emotionally, physically and mentally. I have hope in my recovery and want to be better. Just know that you have to be patient and will have setbacks but that doesn't mean that OCD will be the end of you even when it feels like that. Be strong everyone!!! Have faith!!!

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop ruminating. I can’t get over the false attraction. It is all so painful. I just want to feel like myself again. Are there any other lesbians on here who have ocd???

Does anyone else get intrusive thoughts that are commands? Like “you need to kill someone” or things like that. I feel crazy even typing that but sometimes mine are like that and I hate them

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my childhood and how my OCD tendencies were so obvious but I didn’t even know what OCD was… just thought I’d share so we can laugh (hopefully) and recognize that we can’t help that we have OCD! Most of the following were things I’d do when I was between the ages of about 8-16…I may or may not still do some of them 🤣 * praying with my hands turned up because if I prayed with them face down I was praying to the devil * Correcting mean thoughts about other people to nice thoughts otherwise I was a bad person * Beating myself up for not smiling at other people in public * Washing my feet every time I played outside barefoot because I feared that dog poop somehow got on my feet and I would get sick because of it (even if I know I didn’t step in any) * If praying specifically about someone else I would HAVE to include everyone or something bad would happen to them * Pushing a thought away by shaking my head no or literally spitting it out * Confessing about making a MySpace because I wasn’t allowed to have one as an early teen, and ruminating on it for an entire summer (!!!) and fearing that someone would abduct me (due to the horror stories of predators on it at the time) even though I wasn’t active on it * Constantly making sure friends liked me by asking them (“are you sure you want to be my friend?”) * Constantly making sure my parents weren’t mad at me (“are you mad at me? Did I do something?) * Over apologizing (like 5-10x) if it wasn’t a big deal and needing to be sorry was not necessary Oh ✨ OCD ✨ you’re so silly!

Hi all! So I’m home from college now for winter break and I was just curious: does anyone else’s OCD spike when coming home for the holidays? Like having an uptick in intrusive thoughts related to family members, being home, just surrounding that theme? Would appreciate input! It makes me feel so isolated. ..

I don't know what to do. I'm far from my mom because of vacation, and I feel so guilty from last night that I feel like I have to confess when I talk to her today to make me feel better. The worst thing is, is that a part of me still wants to read the fic because there was a sweet romance, but the dark romance is coming more into the book, and it's just like a part of me wants to see how bad it is, but I know I probably shouldn't in my state. I also just can't think of anything else, because usually mind at least pops out from the trigger/intrusive thought for at least 2 minutes or more, but right now, it's just constantly at the back of my head, and I keep daydreaming about the sweet moments of the romance. I know I'm supposed to try and sit with this, but the guilt is consuming me so much and I just don't know what to do. For context of last night, here it is: Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fanfic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went away, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and grew me up as one, and after a while, the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight I got a strong urge to read it again, cause I knew new chapters have had to come out since I haven’t read the book in song long, and I start reading, I start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hinted at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it hasn't been easy for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was doing well, and now I feel like I just put myself back to square one Sorry for writing a lot, I just haven't panicked this bad in a while and need help because I can't really reach to my therapist because I'm out of state, and I just don't know what to do

Hello I'm new to this... I had a rough childhood growing up and I thought once I got out of my parents house then I'll be happy but my demons slowly came out of me and ruined my relationships and myself. I grew up molding myself to people's body languages, way of thinking, actions, feelings and so much more. I wore masks to secure my safety( illusion) and protect my sisters. As a child I was described by adults as " too serious" but I didn't want to be serious and what I wanted the most as a kid is not to have toys to play with or have friends or watch cartoons but I just wanted feel innocent and to have a child like mind. I wanted to be a kid. I grew up watching others kids be kids and I felt so alone. I was jealous of them. My naivety was stolen by my parents and then my innocence was stolen by my grandpa and my grandma knew but never protected me. She made me feel better every time after it happened but I wish she would've just put a stop to him and protected me. But she was scared of what other's would think about him because he's a pastor. She was too concerned about their image than my own well being. I wasn't safe at home with my parents and I wasn't safe at my grandparents house also but I still had to visit them every Friday because my mother wanted some alone time from us the kids. The mental, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse happened since I was three and up untill I was 19 and finally left my parents house. My grandpa is in prison but it doesn't bring me a peace of mind. I still feel broken, dirty, used and lost. I'm crying now writing this all down because it hurts to finally admit to myself that they all broke me. I don't know what to do and how to live my life at all. I don't know what and who I am on my own. It's scary to me not knowing where I belong. My relationships don't last longer than 4 years. The shortest I've been in was a year. The reason why is that I have BPD and it controls my life. I don't like any physical contact and any affection. I don't like when people touch me in any kind of way. It turns me off and I immediately shut down. When my partner wanted to get a hug, I froze and I didn't know how to react and he got upset because he thought that I didn't love him. It's true though. I never loved anyone and I never will. Its not in me. I grew up in hate, rage, fear and love was never allowed. I don't know what love is. And I'm not talking just about romance relationships but also when I'm around relatives or my sisters... I don't feel anything towards anyone. I'm cold and stiff and constantly overthinking and feeling paranoid. I hide it pretty well on the outside but inside I'm dying. I have OCD but I never got treated for that in the mental health facility I stayed in after attempting suicide because of my abusive relationship but also other fear factors that played the part. Anyway, I want to so badly to heal and try to live my life fully. I don't want to waste my life being other people and be in pain. I'm tired. I want my OCD to go away. It's causing me so much distress mentally and physically. I take extremely long showers and my skin is hurting. I can't stop feeling dirty no matter how many times I shower. I space out often and forget if I done it or not and then do the same thing over and over again like washing my hands. I need to learn how to trust myself. I need help. If anyone can relate to my story please feel free to reach out because right now I feel very alone and scared dealing with all this on my own. I hope I can find people who can understand and support me through this hard but necessary journey. I'm sorry for not going into many details about my trauma because I don't want to trigger anyone on here. I know what that feels like so I just want to be careful and mindful of others who will read this post.

I was feeling pretty confident lately had no worries about my intrusive thoughts and body signals, but all of a sudden I had an urge/craving for groinal response which is weird for me but I acted on it, (just imagined it and scan my body) recognised that it doesn't necessarily comes from intrusive thoughts but about 50% they come from intrusive thoughts. I acted on it let it sit and wonder if I'm really enjoying this got concerned and it went downhill from there I'd say. Later another day I had a feeling that I would like (sexually) my intrusive thought so I imagined it and felt thrown off immediately didn't enjoy it at all and was disgusted for few days. (I know that I shouldn't check but it worked for me for the longest time) Also had some moments when I felt like I miss adrenaline or intense feelings in my life which I had with OCD and it again felt like I wanted the thoughts only to be disgusted, anxious and stressed. Weirdly when I had the same feelings about other themes, I could brush it way more calm (harm OCD, sexual orientation OCD) but with pOCD it just wrecks me. I needed to vent out past few days has been blocked out for me and I have trouble focusing for even a moment constantly thinking I'm psychopath. :( Can someone with a similar story could share their experiences? That would mean a lot, thanks

Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fan fic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went a way, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and gre me up as one, and after a while the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight i got a strong urge to read it again, cause i knew new chapters have had to come out since i haven’t read the book in song long, and i start reading, i start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hint at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it has been for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was dining well, and now I feel like I just put some back to square one

Ever since yesterday I’ve been scared I might have sexually assaulted my badminton teacher while he was holding my hand. Like I was scared I might have put one of my fingers away or moved my hand a bit. My hand still would’ve been on the badminton but mx brain is saying that if one finger had touched his hand it would’ve been SA. And the worse thing is that suddenly I got the intrusive thought „had I ever touched him inappropriately while he was closer to me?“ and the thing is that I don’t remember doing that at all. I usually am a bit uncomfortable around him and I always watch my hands when around other people bc of my fear of doing so. Usually he also stands at the side where he’s holding my hand so my other hand couldn’t even have touched him. And since I’m constantly keeping the badminton thing in my hand it’s just barely possible for me to have ever touched him inappropriately. But now I feel terrible? Should I ask him next Time? I mean he barely knows me yet bc I’ve only been there like 5 times already and he’s over 60 so what if he might have forgotten that?

Has anyone else with kids during a spin out seeked reassurance from their children? I’m feeling alone on this one and extremely guilty about it.

I got a Christmas advent calendar consisting of 25 presents from my boyfriend at the beginning of this month. When I opened day one, I had this thought that if he and I broke up I wouldn't get to open the rest of it. It really freaked me out because it felt like such a terrible thing to think while opening a present from someone you love. I think I was trying to reassure myself by saying that he wouldn't break up with me, which turned into "If we broke up, it'd be me breaking up with him". That was another thing that really overwhelmed me. Since then, basically everyday I've been so focused on the idea that if we broke up, I'd be the one to break up with him. It had me questioning whether or not I really loved him and whether or not I should break up with him. These sort of thoughts really overwhelm me. They make me feel bad, for lack of a better word. I've tried so many different things and a lot of my compulsions revolve around reassurance, Google, thought replacement, and trying to find the source of all of the anxiety. I try to understand what started or could cause it. Lately, I've tried to journal whenever I feel that I've had a very overwhelming day with my OCD. I think it helps somewhat because I'm forced to sit with my thoughts for at least a moment, but then I just go back to feeling negative at some point the next day. I love him and I know I love him so I don't understand why I question those feelings. Last night I sort of just broke down while we were on the phone and explained a lot of what was going on in my head and it health. But while we're on the phone, he apologized for bringing me the box in the first place because we both consider the possibility that it is what triggered the OCD. When I woke up, I didn't feel bad about our relationship, I felt bad about ruining has joy when it came to the present that he got me. I managed to move past that. A couple of minutes ago, I started to get upset again because I had another thought about just us breaking up and it made me cry. In the privacy of my room, I said something about us breaking up out loud so that I could force myself to feel feel what I would feel if we were to break up, and if I were to break up with him. It sucked. I think it was probably a bad idea to try that because I know it can be damaging with OCD, especially without regulation from a therapist. Then, I started to overthink about whether or not I'm loving him the way he deserves to be loved and it made me feel even worse. I started to think about whether or not I was holding him back from finding somebody who would treat the way he deserves, but I feel like I treat him well and that I love him so much. I think more so that thought was centered around whether or not my OCD would be too much and he'd never feel like I loved him enough. I haven't talked to him about this yet, even though I talk to him about basically all of it. I just don't understand why I can't relax. I want to know if it's because of the box and I want it to stop. I'm scared that treatment would show me that my OCD was actually honest, or that it wasn't OCD at all. I also worry that ERP would make me actually feel the things I'd be exposed to. I know that for a lot of people, these concerns are part of the disease, but it still is a fear of mine. I just want the anxiety to stop, even for just a day.

Hey everyone, I’ve not posted on here before so here goes… I might be all over the place so please bear with me but would appreciate your guys help. I’ll do my best to explain everything. Sorry if I go on a bit here. I’ve always had quirks since I was a kid such as having to step on grates in the floor, counting things and asking people to repeat themselves. I’ve just always lived with it and never thought much of it or paid much attention to it I guess and then COVID happened… I ended up with far too much time on my hands and nowhere to go which drove me crazy. I couldn’t stand it and had no escape as such. I really struggled and sought professional help for what I thought was anxiety. I ended up on Sertraline tablets and had counselling. I’m not so sure the counselling helped but I think that might be because we were classing it as anxiety. In the mean time, I’ve done a bit of research in my spare time and came across OCD. As soon as I looked in to it, things made a lot more sense. It just seemed “me.” The reassurance, the making people repeat themselves, asking the same question, going round in circles in my head and never being happy with the answer I got so I “had to ask again.” It really just started to make sense to me and I kind of understood what was “wrong” with me and I guess I got a bit of peace from that. I came off my tablets about a year ago as I thought I was better until recently. The past week or so, maybe two weeks, I’ve really gone backwards and it’s almost debilitating for me again. I think the fact I’ve done this before and remember how awful it was last time makes this time even worse because I thought I’d beaten this, naive maybe? How my OCD tends to work is I get fixated on one thing/question and it runs around in my head repeatedly. I might get the reassurance once, I won’t be happy with that, it doesn’t seem to go in so I have to ask again and the cycle continues. It’s also sneaky as OCD generally is and I’ll find different ways of asking etc. I always tell myself the next time I ask will be the last time but for some reason, it doesn’t click and I have to ask again. It’s making me unhappy, I’m sat at home with it going round in my head. I can’t focus on spending time with my family or my children as it consumes me so I take myself off to the bedroom to be alone. I’m scared of ruining Christmas for the kids because of it. I’m a grown man but I’m getting upset over all of this. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest as I’m getting that worked up from all of this and panicking so I end up in floods of tears just not able to handle this. I take the small wins such as finding this subreddit and there is more online than I thought about this so I’m glad I’m not alone but I do feel like “my OCD” is on it’s own. I don’t find many that are obsessed on these small things that I get fixated on so that makes me feel stupid as well, like my OCD isn’t relevant if you get me? What seemed to trigger me this time around is something that happened at work. The problem is I now feel like that person has the “answers”, is the key to my happiness (awful feeling) and I’m holding some kind of disdain for that person as I feel I need reassurance from them. Can anyone please help me at all or give me some advice? I’d greatly appreciate it. Have a nice Christmas guys, thanks for reading. :)

Y’all I am so goddamn mentally exhausted it’s incredible. I have a cat, she’s two and in perfect health, but my OCD won’t leave her alone. I’m constantly worried she’ll get crushed under a recliner or die of heat stroke in the dryer. My mom accommodates as much as she can, we keep the dryer shut and we keep a cat bed in the living room so she has a place to hide instead of going under the chair. I’ve never had an animal more than a year or so (hamsters that met tragic ends no matter what I did, and a senior dog that we put down after a year due to declining health) so I think the lack of experience with a pet is a big thing here, and she’s the first animal I’ve ever actually bonded with for real. I just want to make my brain stop describing her possible deaths to me and I can’t figure out how. Anything is appreciated. Thanks for reading, folks.

Can intrusive thoughts sounds like “I want too” and not just “what if “

This app is feeding my obsessions. I find some stories relatable and reassuring, but it’s only short-lived. I also find some stories are relatable, but triggering and they cause me to spiral. I also search and search and search different questions, spending hours reading other people’s posts. I deleted my Facebook app as I was spending so much time on my OCD forums, and I also thought it was sending me signs from the universe, but now I’m on here constantly. It’s feeding the OCD because I’m reading and comparing stories constantly, but half the old posts I read are written by people who don’t have a conclusion to their stories, so I’m like did they get better from SO OCD or were they in denial all along, creating more ‘what ifs’. This feeds OCD so bad and gives it more power.

How do I stop ruminating so much? It seems like anytime I make a mistake (getting into a fight, doing something wrong, upsetting a friend, etc) I just ruminate and overthink the entire situation and what the results could be. I’ll also know deep down and in my mind that my mind is just overthinking and I’m just creating scenarios in my head (ex: my friend telling my mom what I did after we have an argument or something), but it’s like my mind just can’t believe myself. Any advice??

Today, I’m struggling with the difference between thoughts and intentions. I know that thoughts generally shouldn’t be confessed (as they don’t actually harm anyone else),but what about intentions? For instance, I went through a really hard time in my relationship years back, and one of my awful coping mechanisms was (which was totally entitled, immature, and embarrassing) thinking something about staying with her for her money. I can’t remember if this was just an upset thought in the heat of the moment or an actual intention I had as a consequence of our relationship problems. This thought (and others related to it) happened a few times. I think it always happened when either one or both of us was upset/we had an argument. But because the thought was repeated (and maybe thought on purpose), I’m afraid I acted on this thought/intention. I have felt sick all day. I feel like a gold-digger. These thoughts couldn’t be further from how I feel today, but I’m worried that back then, they weren’t intrusive thoughts. I have shared these thoughts with her (not in as much detail, but she understands the basics), and she wants me to let it go. I can’t. Who thinks like that about someone they love? Was I actually actively plotting in my head to use her, or was I just escaping my pain with angry thoughts? I need a hug and a wise word.

Hello all! I want to share some wonderful FREE ocd resources that have helped my healing journey immensely. Most of These were recommended to me by my NOCD therapist so no fear of the information on them as it is legit! The other half are from people that are LMHC. Kimberly Quinlan’s podcast really helped me when I was going through the beginning stages of ocd therapy and was really struggling with depression. She offers valuable insight and tips on compassion practices for ocd. Her book is also amazing! Obviously anyone can listen to her but I highly encourage my peeps with taboo related subtypes to listen to her since she offers so much compassion towards those subtypes as well! Nathan Peterson, aka my fav, he is awesome!! He offers so much advice and knowledge on his YouTube channel ocd & anxiety. Ali greymond on YouTube is also very good and knowledgeable, she even has videos that can help you during an anxiety attack because of ocd and talks you through it and it’s really helpful. Although I’ve only listened to a few videos, the ocd and anxiety podcast on Spotify is also very good and offers a lot of advice and information! Christie Hodges is my savior if I’m being honest. I watched her YouTube video on POCD before I got diagnosed with ocd and was in the midst of battling with the worst depression ever because of my intrusive thoughts I was considering ending my life and that video gave me so much hope and made me reach out to NOCD. She is a huge advocate for people with ocd ! I hope this helps you guys ! I wish u guys happy holidays and a great new year. Have faith and be kind to yourself I know the suffering is hard but you will overcome ! 💕💝🎄🎅🏼☃️❄️🩵🤍💙