I don't know the real me...

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

TW!!! I was born with dr*gs in my system as an illegitimate child; alone, tired, sick, rashy, dirty, and unloved. This became the first nearly 4 years of my life. I had no fear of strangers and believed that the pain I felt was just "normal." I did not know how to be bathed, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. All I knew was the dark, the itchiness, and the pain. I was brought to my parents' house on Feburary 18th, 2011, along with my brother who suffered from horribly deadly bronchitis and pneumonia at 4 months old, also dirty. Growing up with my new- no, my true family- I learned what love was. I learned what a smile, a hug, a goodnight story was. I learned that you celebrate birthdays and there's a thing called Christmas where you get presents for behaving well. I learned that life was more than suffering. Then, I never grew up. Some days I was mature, while other days I would act younger and was scrutinized by my peers. I couldn't understand for the life of me, why I seemed so different. I was 6 when I realized that I wasn't like everyone else. I realized that talking out of turn or getting super excited because I saw a catepillar or being bubbly and humorous was almost unacceptable. "Grow up," "why do you act like this?" "What is wrong with you??" The nightmares started too. I'd be in an alleyway or in my bed and someone would put a g*n to my head, make me do whatever they wanted. I don't remember any SA before this, but my biomom did have many guys over when I was little. I learned to eventually LIKE those dreams. I wasn't scared anymore, I just learned that I had to s*duce them in order to k*ll them so that I don't d*e. To this day, I still have them. I became angry at myself for not hitting that "normal," no matter how hard I tried. I was scared of being abandoned again. Scared of being alone. Tired of not feeling enough. I would snap any time I felt like I disappointed someone or someone tried to put me down. I would threaten whoever tried to bully me that I would st*b them. And I did with a sharpened pencil or a mechanical pencil because I was just so TIRED of feeling like I wasn't enough. This started 3rd grade and ended in 6th. The insults grew from just "Why can't you be normal?" "What is wrong with you??" to "You're a psychopath." "Crazy b*tch!!" When I'm angry, I laugh hysterically. I started not to care in the slightest, and embraced their insults, although, this lasted only about a month. 7th grade happened, and puberty hit, causing my BPD to really develop and spiraled into panic attacks and severe depression. I started to have SI, which was only fueled by the s*icide of a classmate. 8th grade was covid, and I was better because no one was calling me names or challenging me, but people now feared me. It felt good to have that control: I wasn't being hurt anymore. After 8th grade, a lot of my friends didn't want anything to do with me. In 9th grade I was manipulated and SAed by people I thought were my friends. But I didn't want to be alone again, so I listened to them and no one else, not even my parents. I was so under their control, if they told me to jump off a bridge because I could fly, I wouldn't hesitate. In tenth grade, I went to my current school and wasn't bothered with, but the damage was done. I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared, and just exhausted. In the summer of that year, I bought a burner phone and flirted with men up to 35 years older than me for the attention. I just wanted someone to like me, maybe even love me. I became obsessed and when the WiFi was disconnected from it, I flipped out. I ran away for almost 24hours before the cops found me. I was then sent to a residential in Oklahoma (that was literal hell) and was threatened and ab*sed there. I came home nearly 2 years ago and I'm still struggling from the trauma. Now, I have a fiance and my family, but that's it. I have a ton of medical and mental issues that hurt me daily. Everyday is hard, but I finally want to live. I want to love. I want to be free.

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?