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I'm having awful stomach pain and nausea and it's really worrying me and scaring me

I'm not drowning in overwhelming anxiety anymore after starting medication, but I feel... off. There's still this lingering anxiety, but it's like it's blocked or something. I hate the sensation of it. I don't really feel like I'm living, just existing. I'm afraid internally, but I can't express it anymore or experience physical symptoms of that fear. I can't even cry, but I feel like I want to or need to :( Maybe things are just worse right now because I'm on my period, but I'm genuinely so tired. I don't know how recovery is going to be for me, and what if it's not enough? What if this doubt and guilt that surrounds my life doesn't go away? I'm just afraid because I enjoy living and I love my family, but every time I think about having to deal with this for the rest of my life, I get bad thoughts of ending things. I just want peace. I just want to be confident in my own identity for once.

i’ve struggled so badly with this subtype for a year, i am constantly thinking i have an illness with any slight trigger or symptom but 99% of the time it is something harmless. it’s now causing me to miss work and because i don’t have great insurance or time off policy i ruminate all the time about seeing a doctor, what i can afford, whether something is really an emergency or not, etc. :( my brain jumps from illness to illness too, so it is hard to think of effective exposures for the whole of it and also i’m scared of reading or thinking about an illness i haven’t already thought of before and then my ocd adopting it and telling me it’s the new one i have. has anyone had any luck with managing this? i feel like it is getting worse and taking over my life, i feel really disappointed in myself that i haven’t been able to get a handle on it even though i am in therapy and have used erp before to help panic disorder effectively :(

This is gonna be a lot about sex cuz idk what’s happening. I have a bf and sex is new as of mid august. But since I’ve been on birth control since end of august sex feels different? I’ve been on 2 types, a patch (forget the name rn) till October, now im on nexplanon. I have no period atm so that’s a nice bonus ig. But mental health is…. Uhhh not wonderful! I feel numb I feel like I’m not horny enough. Or I’m not feeling enough. I feel him inside me and everything but it’s not the same feeling as before And also: eye contact, I don’t get this intense sense of connection but it’s nice to look at him. It doesn’t turn me on more tho Neither does watching his head roll back. It’s hot but I don’t feel anything change down below and I don’t get butterflies anymore My mind wanders. I’m wondering if im enjoying it. If im playing an active part in the sex cuz im very…. Bad at it? I think is how I’d put it? I let him take control cuz it gives my brain a break but my brain is now saying that me not being able to be on top or don’t really like it means I don’t like him and/or im a lesbian depending on the day. Even before this I wasn’t a huge fan of being on top cuz I get embarrassed really easily and I don’t wanna ruin the moment ;-; Like it still feels good but it doesn’t feel as intimate as it used to when we first started dating/before ocd hit/in backdoor spikes (honestly we had some good times and I felt good). Is it just a “im used to his body” thing or am I just not feeling it? I don’t get turned on by seeing him shirtless or naked anymore. But don’t get me wrong he’s still hot I just don’t get aroused unless we start making out Also making out lately- no butterflies, I feel things in my groin but not my stomach or chest and my brain isn’t in it. It feels like im partially not present if that makes sense. I feel out tongues sliding around but it’s not as hot as it used to be and idk if that’s cuz im gay or if that’s cuz im in a depression hole cuz of my birth control and it’s made the ruminating worse and worse Also dirty talk isn’t doing much anymore, no butterflies as well. Maybe we need novelty? Maybe we need to be adventurous? Cuz rn all we really do is missionary lol. I should maybe communicate more as well 😅 Also: I find that when I’m waiting for him to either go to the washroom or get a condom or tie me up or smthn while we’re not touching or doing anything flirty, I start to lose steam and I start panicking which then makes it worse 💀💀 In summary: what am I meant to feel during sex? I know most women don’t orgasm from penetration, which is why a vibrator is always incorporated. What else am I meant to feel? I feel sweaty when he enters Idk it’s driving me nuts. After he and I finished up yesterday I found myself wondering if I liked it. It felt nice in the moment and I did finish. It was kinda uncomfy cuz I was laying on my own ponytail and it was being pulled by me lol😭😭

I’m stuck between wanting to try medication again for my ruminating or if I should not put anything in my body and only continue therapy. Health anxiety is completely new to me and has grown more and more severe over the span of about 5 months now, and it’s made me feel like I’m going to die at any moment and that my heart will give out on me. My mind has completely fixated on my heart and I’ve been to the cardiologist about 4 times within the 5 month period thinking that there is something wrong with me. My test results and MRI results came back fine, but I’m not completely convinced even still that it’s healthy and I second guess my cardiologists opinion and feel like there must be something else, and something was missed. It’s drastically changed my day to day life, as I feel it’ll end any day which terrifies me. I took Prozac in the past, only a few years ago, for generalized anxiety and had no reactions to it, but that was before the health anxiety started, and now I feel like I am going to be the “unlucky” one who dies from it or goes into cardiac arrest even on only 20mg. It also plays into my whole fear of having bad luck or doing something “wrong” or something I’m not supposed to (can be as small as putting the wrong socks on in the morning) which will then lead to catastrophic and fatal consequences that will be my fault. All I want is to get better mentally, but I feel almost as if my thoughts telling me to not take the Prozac and that I’m going to die from it, are actually there to protect me and that I shouldn’t ignore them. I feel so conflicted and wanted to reach out to others who have been in a similar position.

So I’ve been in therapy about 9 months for ocd. My obsessions have ranged from health concerns to concerns about death and dying to house projects and fear that my house is going to be damaged beyond repair by an unknown issue. I’ve been doing alot better, but winter has been extremely hard and flared up everything again for me. Recently my ocd has grabbed on to my relationship, or rather, a past relationship. I was engaged to a guy 10 years ago that was basically my high school sweetheart. I broke off the engagement and a year later met and started talking to who is now my husband. This weekend we went for a hike near my ex fiancés childhood home was and where I spent a lot of time with him and his family over the years. Being back in that area brought up old memories and emotions, complicated by the fact that all of my direct family has also split up and I don’t have a close relationship with any of them. Well, I started remembering and thinking and ruminating and then read my old journals and felt so anxious and taken back to that time in my life. It was also to the day, 9 years ago that my mom told me she was leaving my dad. That panicky feeling I got from that conversation was the same I felt with ending the past relationship. I called my sister to talk about it and breaking off that first engagement and why would I feel sad and upset by those memories now after all these years. I guess that was giving into the ocd even more, but I did that. And then I decided to be honest with my husband and share with him how I was feeling, that I was struggling with the memories of the past engagement and time with that family and my personal families split, and he got upset and told me he felt like I have emotionally cheated on him by going back and thinking about those past events. He feels like I should be long over that by now as it was over 10 years ago that it happened. I apologized but that made me upset because I’m just trying to be honest and open with him and I didn’t realize it would backfire on me and now have him hurt and embarrassed and feeling like I’m not ‘over’ that first relationship. I don’t know what to do, I already apologized, I AM over that past relationship, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to prove that, this isn’t something I think about daily or miss the guy or want to go back and change anything. Moving on and marrying my husband now was only possible because I was over the last relationship. I’m just confused and overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions and his reaction to them and how to move on without giving this more attention than it’s already required.

I feel like I should give some context. So a year ago, I went though a two week thing of what I can only describe is some sort of psychosis. I convinced myself god told me I was going to die. I couldn’t sleep. And I even had my aunt take me to the er. I think this stems from the amount of loss I’ve witnessed. When I was 15, my dad died, 4 months after that my cousins. A year after that, my grandmother committed suicide. For the longest time I had the worse health anxiety…that is, until I met my current bf. Before, I’d be in relationships where I’d have to worry about my partner, because they’d be so consumed in their own problems. I never got to actually focus on myself. I’ve never been in a long term HEALTHY relationship. I used to have driving anxiety, but my boyfriend pushed me to get a car, and I’m now driving. Something I never thought I’d be able to do. My boyfriend pushes me in way and holds me accountable. Something no men has done before..not since my father was alive. I’ve come to the realization my brain is on the defense because I’m being held accountable to do better, which is why for the last month, it’s like I’ve been in a fight or flight mode. My thoughts just keep saying “leave”. No logical reasoning behind it. I’m very religious, and my boyfriend shares the same beliefs as me, something rare now a days. I’m just exhausted of these constant thoughts. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I’ve just been feeling hopelessness, and I won’t stop feeling these constant thoughts

Hello, does anyone know how long it takes for sertraline to work? I've just started my treatment 1 hour ago (I know I'm very impatient) but I just wanted to know, and does sertraline 25mg work? I'm afraid it won't work.

I am hoping for some real advice I Have contamination OCD And lots of intrusive thoughts about developing allergies mainly around food and medicine I've also had a physical ailments for the majority of my life that in October, I was diagnosed with Dopamine responsive dystonia, which is kind of like Parkinson's, but basically my body does not make any doubt of me which makes my body turn rock solid I was prescribed medicine that will 95% make me better and I have not been able to bring myself to take it because of my contamination and allergy fears. I'm stuck in this horrible cycle and it's been making my OCD so much worse and the real kicker is my dystonia is fueled by anxiety so when I get anxious, it gets worse and I can't really move which is making me wanna lay in bed all day, but that's a compulsion for me but when I'm not in bed, I physically hurt. I really need to figure out a way to try to start taking this medicine, People in my life just say" Just do it" The problem is I have to take it three times a day every single day so sure I could take one pill but if I react badly, I'm never gonna be able to take another one. I started.NOCD Last week and I'm hopeful, but it seems like the process is gonna be long and I really don't wanna waits...

Hi, I’m at my wits end almost! I’m a 27 y/o girl and having some major health anxiety recently due to some problems. I’ve had weird periods all my life, and about a year or two ago it culminated in me having some major anemia. I was constantly out of breath, and extremely thirsty, wanting ice like crazy. Eventually my vision got blurry so we went to the hospital. I was severely iron-deficient anemic and got a transfusion of two blood bags. They put me on a birth control that didn’t stop the bleeding entirely and made me feel like I was going nuts, so I took myself off of it. Fast forward, recently, as in this past November, I was on another period. I’m making some lifestyle changes right now due to an unsure fatty liver diagnosis (too scared to get into the MRI machine, too scared to take medicine to calm myself down), so I hadn’t been eating as much as I used to. I’m starting to get almost a little dizzy recalling this like it feels like I keep having happen, but I really feel like I should talk about it. But about 2-3 days into this period with heavy bleeding, I went to bed feeling off that night, then suddenly snapped awake about 7am feeling like something was VERY wrong. I fought with myself about it for a while, then got up to pee. Got very dizzy in the bathroom, so I pretty much ran back into my bedroom to wake up my boyfriend and said “I almost passed out in the bathroom.” He knows a few years ago I had been on a different birth control and had something similar-ish happen where I almost fainted in that bathroom after waking up middle of the night so he popped right up. I’ve only ever had a major panic attack once before in my life, and in hindsight it was really like that. But my vision got tunnelly, and my ears felt full, and I felt cold all over, and I started saying “oh god” a lot, and he walked me into our other bedroom to try and get me to calm down. I guess I saw myself in the mirror and saw how pale I was, and I remember slumping against him. I remember feeling SO tired, physically tired and cold, and I thought “oh my god, I’m probably dying. I’m probably bleeding out and dying, I’m probably so anemic.” I remember him calling out to his mom, too, to call the ambulance. So I got an ambulance ride to the hospital with warm fluids and I was shaking SO bad the whole time, only to stay in the ER for about 8hrs with a diagnosis of vasovagal syncope. Ever since I’ve had trouble sleeping. The very first few nights after that, I’d jolt awake when I started dozing off, and/or I’d kick so hard in my sleep. My boyfriend pulled LATE hours petting me to get me to sleep and would stay awake vigilant to comfort me again when I inevitably woke up. I’d also a lot of times doze off, then inhale REAL DEEPLY and loudly as if to remind myself I was breathing. Lots of focusing on my own breathing, on my heart beat. What’s worse is pretty immediately after the first 3 or so nights I was fine, then I had I suppose a moment where I felt cold enough in a weird enough place, and I freaked out just the same. I was so convinced I was going to pass out, which is apparently as bad as death for me right now. I’ve had a lot of talks and cries because I’ve always had death anxiety we called it, and feeling like I was dying so real then really messed with me. And after my relapse we’re also calling that, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping again. Well, it’s January and im doing moderately better, but sometimes I jolt awake at night and my heart is POUNDING. I feel so wrong, like something is DEFINITELY WRONG. But sometimes im able to just get right back to sleep despite that, and I wake up and im fine. But it doesn’t help because the next night it’s the same song and dance where im scared to sleep because what if I don’t see tomorrow? And im so so focused on these intrusive thoughts on ‘gee, I wonder what it feels like to die!’ Or ‘wonder what it would feel like if my heart just stopped right now’. I used to google symptoms a lot, or look up Reddit threats to feel companionship about a feeling, but doing that was very triggering so I stopped cold turkey. Anyway, um I had a moment literally last night where I woke up heart pounding but I got right back to sleep, and here I am right now at 6:12am next to a sleeping boyfriend not tired because ‘my heart MIGHT be feeling funny’. Im doing a lot better during the day I think, but I have such deep depressing intrusive thoughts sometimes, and I feel like im miles away briefly. Any advice? I’ve been in therapy before for different issues like major anxiety and family problems, and it didn’t really help. In fact, I’ve had quite a lot of bad therapists. But this sounds more like PTSD as well as OCD? Or something. I don’t want to call it myself, just wondering if ANYONE out there is going through something similar. I know I’ve definitely got a history of some kind of OCD at least, because when I was a kid I used to have to do everything twice (like washing my hands a # of times, evenly, but divisible by 2 two times to come out to another even number, so 16 would have been fine but I used to overshoot it to like 42+ pumps of hand soap.) And that morphed into eating two of something for a long time, like making myself two sandwiches or ramen packets. But, anyway, yeah. Please, advice? Thoughts? I feel very alone and scared sometimes. TLDR; have weird periods, they gave me anemia, anemia gave me anxiety and I fainted with a hospital visit. Have frequent health obsession and PTSD-like symptoms but not sure. Please advice, thoughts, or help

I have some questions 1.is it worth it 2. Is dealing nothing better than feeling like this 3.are there any significant side effects

It started when I became an adult, and started receiving my mental health diagnosis. I hyper fixated on each and every action I did and how it could be related to my diagnosis’s. It then lead to fixation to my physical health — making appointments and seeing every specialist I can to rule out every possibility. I currently have been suffering with obstructive sleep. I woke up the past few days with severe pain from the lack of sleep whilst believing I was oversleeping. Luckily my fit watch tracks my sleep cycle and it turns out I am not receiving any sleep. I had an extreme panic attack — bursting into tears on the phone with my mom wondering what this case might be. She told me it could be sleep apnea and that a simple sleep study could figure this out. However, knowing my family history I made appointments to every specialist I can to make sure it is nothing serious. The unknown of health can be scary to me. Watching my mother suffer with her physical health chronically since I was a child lead me to be very conscious and aware of how my body is functioning. This morning was one of the worst moments of physical pain. I should just take one step at a time with the sleep doctor instead of taking measures to see every specialist that could pertain with this issue. However, that is very hard to me. I don’t want to ever wake up in the pain I was this morning. Does anyone else suffer with health-related OCD? And if so, how do you find a sense of ease during moments like I expressed?

I do believe I am but of course I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis. I just get told pretty often how I’m not normal or the way I think isn’t normal. I used to not think about things the way I do now and I’m not sure if something can trigger OCD?? I started obsessing over things about 3 years ago, and it’s getting worse. I take anxiety meds and I feel like they kinda help except for when they don’t; and I have to take a Xanax to put me out of my panic attacks. The main things I obsess over is germs and my health. Germs. I think about anything and everything I can see them I can feel them. ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting. My hands are cracked and bleeding from how much I wash them and it makes me wash them even more because now I have open wounds on my hands and I don’t want germs to get in there! I have many different shoes for certain places they go. I have outside slippers, I have in house but not in room slippers, and I have slippers that are only in my room. Germs do go into my supposed health OCD. I panic if I believe I’ve touched something that someone who has aids or herpes has touched. I don’t like to touch anything with my hands and yet I have to wash my hands so many times because I feel like germs got on my hands. That’s my biggest fear actually is getting a disease that cannot be cured. I think about it constantly and what I can do to prevent it and you bet I notice the SMALLEST detail when it comes to my health and body I have a new freckle omg I need to make sure it’s not cancer. I’m so appreciative my partner understands me. He has to follow the way I live for me to feel comfortable. I pay for his health insurance just so I can make sure he hasn’t caught anything or if any of his moles aren’t cancerous. It’s exhausting

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...

Idk. It was slightly daunting before ocd but now it’s more daunting. Especially with the relationship thing. Like I cannot conceptualize forever. My parents got divorced. Most of the relationships I’ve seen have fallen apart. I’m worried about making a mistake and living in the wrong relationship with the wrong gender my whole life but I was so happy and confident before. Now I feel like. None of that. I’m wondering. Who do I want to do life with? Who do I wanna sleep next to my whole life? Have sex with? Have a family with? Am I holding back from my real soulmate cuz I didn’t feel that intense draw towards my bf? I had breakup thiughts and random intrusive thoughts about me dying or smthn random like that but they never bothered me at all so I worry about them. Idk. I’m so tired Being bisexual makes this more confusing. Cuz now I’m worried I’m a lesbian cuz I can’t feel anything lately towards my bf besides slight anxiety, overwhelm and nausea. Idk. I’m tired and about to head to bed but I wanted to rant. Idk if anyone else feels like that if you do pls Lmk, especially with the nausea. I feel nausea around anything sexual lately. And I feel horrible cuz I do wanna be intimate but I have no energy and don’t wanna do it much lately.

Since I was a kid, I have suffered with counting and even numbers to try to answer hypothetical situations in my head. “If the time is even, this person hates me” and vice versa. It came to a point, in conjunction with my panic disorder, where in mental health in-patient treatment they had to take down all the clocks. Then came the excessive planning and organization. I plan everything down to the minute. When things go wrong or off the plan I have what my then therapist referred to as a “sh!t fit.” I have tried numerous medications for my OCD, yet, somehow, my body always had an adverse reaction one way or another. I.e. serotonin syndrome, neuroleptic malignant syndrome, etc. The anxiety and panic that came with my OCD played heavily in my drug addiction. Calculating the exact number of pills, dosages, and combinations to help ease my anxiety and hyper-fixations. At extreme points, using pills to sleep away the pain and thoughts that things will not get better. It put me into a spiral of drug addiction. With the hyper fixation off from time and planning turning into the fixation on drugs and medicine. It put me through a whole other spiral. I had a therapist tell me that OCD is one of the three ways that anxiety can form. The other two being GAD and Panic disorder. As someone who has suffered with anxiety their entire life, I was glad to receive my diagnosis’s as an adult when I thought the world was falling apart. It gave me a sense of clarity. However, going back to my prior statement on the hyper fixation of prescription drugs and medicine, I thought the pills would be the answer. That was not the case. In fact, it was far from the truth. Yes, the drugs and the psychiatric services helped tremendously, but I have never seen a therapist or psychologist to receive one on one prior to in-patient mental health residential treatment. Most recently in September I had to be placed on a psychiatric hold and placed into an in-unit psych unit at the hospital for an attempt to end my life as my OCD was not getting “better.” My diagnosis’s upon leaving the psych unit was “Suicide attempt w/ OCD.” I am proud to say that upon receiving in-patient residential services for my duel diagnosis (Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic abuse and OCD), I have finally found a sense of clarity that things would get better. I hope that doesn’t change or go downhill. I accepted it and I know the diagnosis’s won’t go away, but I hope that life starts changing for the better. Thank you guys for sharing their stories on this app to give me hope that I am not alone.

I’ve never used this site before, in fact, up til now, I’ve always felt like my OCD is something I don’t even have. I’m diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I always assumed that was the only thing that caused my persistent thought patterns. Lately, my therapist has been noticing more intense patterns that resemble OCD. My older brother and grandmother are diagnosed with OCD and it runs in my more distant family as well. (This is sort of a long rant and I don’t expect anyone to see it. I just need to get it out of my head.) Since I was around 12, I’ve had these little habits and fears that didn’t make much sense. I have face tics that happen in specific patterns. Example: first I raise my eyebrows and close my eyes, then I relax those and scrunch up my nose, then I relax my nose and pucker my lips. Always in that order and I do it until the urge to do it goes away. Throughout high school it went away, but I’m under a lot of stress right now (19) and it’s coming back persistently. Some of the things I’m experiencing now are: Having to physically move away from a railing out of fear I’ll lose control of my body and throw myself over. I have panic attacks when there’s an itch in my throat because I fear it will make me cough, which would make me gag, which would make me throw up, and I’m terrified of throwing up. I haven’t done it since I was 7 years old, since my mother (now dead) convinced me I can “think it away”. I watch the same episodes of the same tv shows over and over. But that could just be a comfort thing. I pop menthol cough drops every second of the day. Without them, I feel like I’ll be stuck without them and nowhere to run to. I always keep at least 10 on me everywhere I go. Sometimes, I’ll do an action that makes me feel unlucky so I undo it, hoping that the universe didn’t notice and nothing will happen as a consequence. If I see something really unsettling or disturbing on accident, I can’t get it out of my mind ever. I remember things vividly from years ago and I have to intensely distract myself or consciously make myself think of anything else to make the thought disappear. Sometimes, I look at people as I’m out and about and I think about how at any moment, I could lose control of myself and spout some horrible absolutely disgusting things about them and then everyone around me would know what a horrible person I am. Of course, I’d never think the things that pop into my mind, so I always feel almost paranoid that someone actually heard what I just thought. I experience this sort of, mental paralysis if something in my life is suddenly different. If my room is messier than usual, if I miss an assignment, if I have to make a sudden phone call. It feels like I can’t force myself to go anywhere or do anything because something is different. I changed my major during my first semester and for the rest of the semester I didn’t go to a single class, or do a single assignments. I stayed at my boyfriends place and just did laundry and dishes because it was all I could will myself to do. That may just me being weird and have nothing to do with OCD. Of course the harmless habits: having to have both feet on the ground when getting out of the car before the driver closes there door. Holding my breath while walking past open doors. Closing my eyes when passing a window or mirror. Really can’t explain those, I’ve been doing that forever and I don’t know why that even started. I’ve been going through a break/break up recently. I didn’t realize it, but my need for certainty and my persistent thoughts about my boyfriend that we’re never true were damaging us as a whole. No matter how much he proved his loyalty, those thoughts of him definitely cheating on me would interfere with how I treated him. I always needed to know where he was because if I didn’t know, suddenly he was out betraying me (in my mind of course) to him it was because I was just immature and didn’t have a life of my own. (Which is partially true) However, no matter how many times I’ve tried to control that behavior, no matter how many medications I was on, the thoughts persisted. The only thing that changed with medication was how badly I was affected by them. He basically said that we can take a break and come back when we’ve bettered ourselves. He refuses to tell me when because he thinks that will give me an easy way out and not have to actually better myself since I know he’s coming back. So, because I have no idea when he’s coming back, if at all, it’s been driving me absolutely insane. All my behavior patterns have been worsened and even some new ones have formed. I constantly check his account to see if he’s followed new people. If the numbers stay the same, I can feel calm. If they change, my day is ruined and I spiral. I keep asking the universe/god/whatever to give me signs to ensure that things are going the way they’re supposed to go. It was recently my birthday and I got to blow out two sets of birthday candles so I felt extra lucky when I used my wishes. (Of course I can’t say what the wish was but we can all assume) It was the anniversary of the day we met yesterday and it snowed (I live in south Texas) so I took that as another sign. I sat outside last night in the snow and saw deer appear out of nowhere and I took that as another sign. I sleep with his shirt and some plushies he gave me and one of our cats toys. I kiss each of them and say goodnight to them every night because if I don’t, I feel the universe will take that as a sign that I don’t love them and they’ll never come back to me. I’ve written thousands of reassuring words about our relationship and about him in my journals and notes app. No matter how many times I reread and rewrite them, those horrible gut wrenching thoughts of him already forgetting about me come to my mind and I do everything I can to get them out. As I was diagnosed BPD I was on a few medications that did keep thoughts like this (which I didn’t consider could be OCD at the time) at bay. I was on 200 mg of Seroquel, 200mg of Trileptal, and 200mg of Gabapentin. They did a nice job at keeping those thoughts out, although they would slip through and make me spiral every few weeks. However, I ran out of medication over two months ago, and I have no insurance right now. So I’m really started to feel those inescapable thoughts torture me every second of the day. (I’m aware that a lot of these things could be explained by my BPD and There’s a very good chance I don’t have OCD at all, I just found a lot of symptoms that resonated with me here as well. They could be co-morbidities for me, I could have one or the other, or I could just have BPD and am just imagining the OCD… not really sure) I know this was a total word dump and I doubt anyone will see this. (If anyone does see it, however, please avoid any relationship advice. I know what I want and the choices I make are never influenced by others and most of the time, relationship advice just worsens my thoughts. I really am just looking for any advice on these sort of thought and behavior patterns rather than their subject matter.) (I’m also 19 and know very little about life so pls be kind <3)

So I’m just writing this to vent and hopefully it will help me organize my thoughts. I’ve been struggling with health OCD for maybe a few months now, usually around problem that could potentially be “my fault”. I had an annual physical on January 3, and just logged on to see my blood test results. My cholesterol is high and there are a few other tests that I don’t understand but are slightly in the abnormal range. I’m so fucking scared. I’m scared the medication I take for my ADHD is at fault, or because I drink more than I should (I’m a college student). I’m scared I’m going to drop dead this second, I’m petrified there will be permanent damage, something’s wrong with my liver or kidneys and it will be wrong forever. I fell down an internet hole, ricocheting between convincing myself this was the result of horrible choices I’d made, then making arguments for why it wasn’t my fault, or it could be totally fine. I got that cholesterol test after exams, maybe it was stress and the levels are better now. Either way, I can’t do anything about it for the few days it will take to see what my doctor says and/or have a follow up appointment. I am in no way capable of interpreting all the results to form a diagnosis. Anything I do to make it worse will not kill me in a few days. It’s out of my control. I don’t need to do anything and probably can’t. If it’s going to kill me in a week can’t know or change that. It truly might be near nothing or a death sentence, who knows. If anything, I should avoid thinking about it, I know I won’t totally forget. But I’m scared. I’m so scared that because I’ve made bad choices for myself I must have damaged my body. And I feel like I don’t deserve to feel relaxed for whatever amount of time it takes to know what I need to do. I feel like the terror will protect me, somehow, like if I must be punished for poor choices maybe my terror will be enough and my body will be ok. It’s a potent thing to feel very real health terror alongside intense fear and shame. I’m not even sure which I’m more scared of: actually having a serious illness or the guilt if I caused it. But I have to trust that information will come. I have to try and redirect that spiral of “you did this, you cannot be happy until you have certainty”. Maybe I did bring this on myself, but I don’t think that means I deserve this intense terror and shame. I don’t deserve to feel like I’m going to be broken or dead and it will be my fault. I can’t fully be at peace with the possibility that something is permanently wrong, but I’m going to try to remember that my pain in the present won’t make me less likely to be sick, and my happiness won’t make me more likely to be sick. I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to “get away” with not feeling the burden of uncertainty and shame. I’m allowed to do what everyone does, take peace and happiness where they can, even if it means they make mistakes. I’m so, so scared, and honestly mad at myself for stressing myself out worse. But I can do this. I can at least try to let in some hope and happiness while I’m waiting. I don’t deserve to feel like this. I can’t know the answers. They are not written by vengeful gods.

Hey guys! I am a recovered person from Harm OCD, but still dealing with tons of anxiety. I am really finding ways to feel understood, since around me I haven’t found anyone dealing with the stuff I do… From time to time, I get so much anxiety while I eat… Which makes it so hard for me to eat, because I get heavy symptoms such as a sense of a tight throat. It is sooo uncomfortable and it’s really making it so hard for me to eat, I am so worried :( I try to tell myself is just anxiety but that sensation just won’t go away ;( Help!!

i feel too far gone and like a lost cause like i have left my ocd untreated for too long that it’s peaked or at least i hope it can’t get worse sometimes selfishly i actually think i have the worst ocd anyone’s ever had in the history of ever and that no one is in a greater pain than me its every single second of every single day and even when im asleep its there for the last 2 years i have had a traumatic ocd dream every single night there’s absolutely no escape and i stopped feeling real such a long time ago in retrospect i realised my ocd started when i was 11 and im now 19 and it escalated so fast at a constant incline i dont get respite from my ocd its only ever gotten severely worse it started that i couldn’t see family for one theme and then men for another theme and then children for another theme and then women for another theme which eliminates absolutely everyone in the world i used to be able to make exceptions for my boyfriend and certain friends but now i cant im so scared and isolated i cant watch shows or films because of triggers i cant listen to certain songs for fear of manifesting the lyrics and i cant even sit in peace and let me ocd thoughts be and feel the discomfort as a form of recovery because im convinced dead people that i know can hear my thoughts and they don’t understand ocd because other than cleaning and liking order they would never have heard of it so im constantly having intrusive thoughts and explaining them away to the “people listening” i’ve never felt more suicidal in my entire life and i’ve attempted suicide about 5 or 6 times and even then i didn’t feel half of what im feeling now but i was younger than and didn’t have empathy for the hurt id be leaving behind and now knowing how selfish it is i can’t do it but its all i ever think about and the only thing that helps me feel better during a flare up is imagining hurting myself in the worst possible ways and dying and that’s what gets me out of the house is the hope that someone might stab me or run me over with a bus or truck or that i might get beaten to death by someone in an episode and when im not thinking that over my intrusive ocd thoughts im praying and hoping that i get a brain tumour that gives me 6weeks to live or that the stress and pain of my ocd will induce a heart attack or a stroke and i die that way so that im not the one causing the hurt after i die