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Having panic attack I know I’m not choking because I can talk and it’s been 20 minutes but I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m alone and I’m so scared to be alone

18+ THIS SITUATION HAPPENED 4-5 YEARS AGO UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

My bf and I have not been in a great place in our relationship lately. I have not been the best gf. We had a discussion/argument last night that was decently fruitful. He told me to list three things that I can do to improve our relationship based on concerns that he had. I listed three but he said I missed the point about one of his concerns. We talked for a little while longer and then I told him that I needed to go to bed so I didn't fall asleep as it was getting late. He hung up and when I texted him he said I made him cry. I thought perhaps it was because I had to go, but he wouldn't really tell me because he said this happens every time we talk. After more discussion I think it's because I missed the point on his concern earlier. I struggle to process things correctly sometimes and I'm at a loss for what to do. I feel awful and fear he'll break up with me.

I remembered I think I went on Instagram sometime last year and I looked up the account of this guy from highschool that I embarrassingly liked in my senior year and made a fool of myself (graduated 3 years ago) and I think I was wondering if him and his girlfriend were still together because I remembered he used to mention her in class and I’d see them walk together and such and we were sort of acquaintances I guess and I think remembered an embarrassing memory from high school i dont know why but I think i would get memories and such sometimes and I’d wonder and then I’d be like “Hmm let me check” which my ocd attached to and was like “What if you did this out of unloyal intent?” Or what if you’re lying to yourself? What if you said something wrong or flirty or unloyal?” And I started spiraling. I’m pretty sure I got curious and checked when my fiancé and I had just started dating but I know I’m a curious person so I know it was just out of curiosity, because I’d never ever want to intentionally hurt or upset my fiancé because I love him so much. I also remembered an instance where my fiancé and I went to a car show with his friends and I always hate seeing people I graduated with from high-school, it was embarrassing or weird to me because they knew how I was in high-school, but I saw him there, and I just kept glancing over to see where he was I guess because I saw at some points he’d glance over at me and stuff. And id see him and his friends laugh so I dont know I felt sort of anxious when I’d see him and I remembered I’d do my best to avoid them because I could just feel the anxiety in my body, and I was embarrassed since my highschool self really embarrasses me when I think of how desperate I was for attention and now my anxiety and OCD attached to it and is trying to convince me my actions were for other reasons and I’m panicking about it, it’s making me feel like I cheated or I was disrespectful to my relationship. And recently my fiancé and I went to this same car show again where I saw that guy at previously and when we were walking around someone near us who looked like him I remembered I was glancing at the cars and I saw that person and I felt like a pang of anxiety in my chest and just this anxious feeling in my stomach it was like my stomach dropped. My ocd has latched onto it and is like “What if you wanted to see him?” And so on, I tried telling myself later “No stop putting lies in my head” and such but just so many other intrusive thoughts came after. I hate this ocd so much and I just I’d never ever want to upset my fiancé he is my world and more and just I get so upset that he also has to deal with all these things in my head :( I also deal with compulsive staring which makes this so much worse especially when I’m triggered because it causes me to basically continuously stare at the person or object that triggered me and it’s like my brain forces me to look it’s so annoying, and then my ocd latched onto that and tells me it “means something” I hate this ocd so much ugh I just want to get rid of it :(

I need to remain rational and not get stuck in the loop that a routine medical procedure of an xray that millions of people get everyday somehow impacted me adversely because I felt a jot of something when the photo was taken and that I’m going to not live because of it. I might have felt a weird energy or air or something that really scared me but I can’t then take it to a place that I will no live much longer then. It’s just so hard. I feel helpless and just want to go back to the doctors office to tell them I’m unhappy and have them show me this happens to others. I’m terrified. And the worst part is there’s nothing I can do. Am I wrong?

I have this huge obsession that I will cheat on my boyfriend. Like to the point where I won’t even walk past a guy because I think I did something wrong or randomly kiss him (weird I know) Today I was at work and I was throwing out the garbage and this guy that works next store was throwing something out too and he let me go first so I went said thank you and walked away but felt weird bc he was next to me but I didn’t like being outside with 2 guys it made me feel very anxious. So then I had one more garbage to bring and I turned around and he was walking towards me and told me to give it to him and he took it from me and threw it out for me so I just stuck out my hand gave him the garbage turned my head and walked away and said thank you. But in my head I’m nervous I was too close to him and that I kissed him or something. I know this sounds ridiculous but it’s not something I would ever want to do. Even if I was single I would not just go around kissing people like wtf. But Because I love my boyfriend so much and my brain like only lives in anxious mode, I can’t see clearly. literally 2 seconds after I do something I think I did something completely opposite of what I did. When I came back inside I felt hot and I wanted to cry so badly I just felt wrong my head was starting to hurt. And it’s all because some guy wanted to do something nice for me. But I can’t do things alone I need like witnesses 24/7 it’s bad and now I just want to go to bed and cry because I can’t handle feeling like this anymore Does anyone else get this? I need to know I’m not alone bc this is confusing 🙃

TW for infidelity I've been in a relationship with my partner for about five years now. For our entire relationship, my obsessions have always been focused around losing him and various reasons why I will lose him. I also have a big fear of losing other relationships like friends, not having enough friends, etc Back in September, an intern who I will call Jane started at my work. She is in a field related to mine so we spend some time together. I recognized my attraction to her quickly (I am queer) and initially brushed it off. Mid-way through October, I was starting to approach her with jokes so she would think I was funny, and dress cuter than usual to work. I began spiraling about this a couple days into it and called my partner at work. I explained to him that I had a crush and had been approaching her and wanting her to think I was cute. I felt awful. He laughed and brushed it off, saying having crushes and getting some excitement and dopamine from them is normal. I felt so relieved and realized I had been in an OCD spiral. Fast forward to the end of November, and I had befriended Jane. She was starting to spend pretty much all day every day in my office. My partner, in our previous conversation, had told me that emotional cheating to him entails "Going to someone else who you having feelings for for emotional support rather than your partner" or "forming a deep emotional connection with someone you have romantic feelings for". I know this because I wrote them down when he said them and would obsessively check back to them to make sure I was not breaking his boundaries. I became more and more confused on my feelings for Jane but kept brushing it off and re-checking my rules to reassure myself I was fine. I would repeatedly draw a spectrum of "crush" to "feelings" and place where I felt along that line. When it was closer to "crush" side, I felt reassured. After Jane's internship ended, we would snapchat throughout the day for 2-3 weeks. I kept panicking, then changing my mind that it was fine and feeling better, and repeat. The cycle felt very OCD-like which made me more inclined to brush off the concerns and feeling of "wrong" I was feeling. Looking back, it did feel different and involved more genuine denial. I started having doubts of "what if I want to be with Jane instead???", "what if I'm falling out of love with my partner???" etc. that looking back, WERE partially fueled by my OCD - but Jane really had started taking up more emotional energy and a shift started to happen. My "emotional center of gravity" started to shift I guess I could say. I wanted to go to her with exciting things first and all that. Sometimes I would go to her and my partner and sometimes even other friends to make sure I wasn’t only sharing with her. A couple weeks passed of back and forth and denial/confusion on what was happening while trying to re-center my partner by making sure we were spending adequate time together etc. but still communicating throughout the day with Jane. I was lying to myself that I could keep in such close contact with her because I was scared to lose the friendship and, in retrospect, wasn’t ready to face that I had done wrong which contributed to denial. First week of January I had a wake-up call, created a lot more distance with Jane and eventually cut off the friendship all together. I have told my partner in more vague details because he has asked to not know more. He knows that I got too close with someone I had a crush on/feelings for and I crossed my own core values. I haven't labeled it cheating to him because I was unsure where OCD ended and real concern began for a minute, but he has told me he doesn't want to know any more and I am trying to respect that boundary. But now I have come to terms that this does fall within emotional cheating. Sitting with the uncertainty is incredibly difficult because I want so badly to tell him I changed my mind and do think this was cheating but I don’t want to break his boundary when he has repeatedly told me he forgives me and does NOT want to know more. I am also just having a really hard time trusting myself after making this mistake which is fueling more and more spirals and i can’t tell what is real and is it exhausting. I don’t know whether I should tell my partner that I actually do consider what I did to be cheating or what to do and I’m freaking out

My sister had a 103.7 fever, and her test results came back positive for flu type-A. I share a room with her (while also reminding her to check her temp + giving her meds), so there was a possibility of me getting sick, but I felt fine the entire day. Night rolls around, and I'm getting really shaky. I think it might be because I'm hungry or something, so I eat dinner (take my meds, it was 8:00 pm something), but the shakiness doesn't go away. I'm feeling really weak, my face feels flushed, I'm dizzy, etc... I just checked my temp, and I have a low fever, but I'm worried that these symptoms aren't the flu and are actually due to my medication? I have never had any problems with my medicine (250mg Sertraline), but I'm afraid of writing it off as the flu, when it could be something like serotonin syndrome. I don't know how that would happen, but I'm just like... What if? 😭 I know that's sooo classic OCD, but how do I separate OCD from a legitimate concern? Do I just keep an eye on myself for now and go to the doctor if it worsens at all?

I’ve always loved kids and wanted to have my own someday, and I would never hurt a child but right now I’m really struggling and feeling ashamed, to the point I don’t even want kids anymore. I’m dealing with what I believe are POCD intrusive thoughts. Has anyone experienced intrusive thoughts that aren’t sexual but feel romantic or otherwise disturbing? I’m just trying to understand and feel less alone.

I was on FaceTime with this girl I like and we were screen sharing and looking at old Snapchat memories, an she has a younger sister and I panicked snd think I had a groin response so then afterward, I wanted her to share her screen again and I wanted to have control of the FaceTime so I could recheck the same photo to make sure I didn’t have the groin response and I made it worse because I saw more triggering content and I saw pictures of her younger sister without a shirt in my OCD saying that what if I liked seeing that. it was triggering to look at, and I kept scrolling back at same photo as a, checking and I kept getting so much anxiety in my chest feels heavy. I feel like a bad person and I had plans to see her this week, but I feel like I can’t and don’t deserve

Hi everyone. I’m new here and hoping to learn from people with lived experience. I don’t personally have OCD, but my boyfriend does, and I really want to understand how to support him in ways that are actually helpful (and not unintentionally harmful). I know everyone’s OCD journey is unique to them. I’m not looking for one “right” answer / solution, but I was wondering what has worked for some of you in relationships. For those who have OCD or have dated someone with it, what has helped you feel supported? Are there things partners often misunderstand or do that make symptoms worse without realizing? Any tips, boundaries, communication strategies, or resources would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance for anything you’re willing to share <3

So I have ocd. My partner and I in the past have spoken about how she doesn’t like my watching porn and I respect that as I think it’s a negative thing myself. However from a young age I have been watching it. I have stopped recently for a few months after relapsing and letting her down. I told her about it and she was upset but forgave me. However just now I have failed and relapsed again. I feel so terrible. She’s nothing but nice and kind and loving and beautiful to me and I go and disrespect her like that. I just feel so much shame guilt and I just feel so bad. I feel the need to just go to her and confess everything and beg for her forgiveness again. What should I do? Cause if I do that it’ll make me feel better but it’ll probably hurt her and make her upset. Any advice or opinions on this would be appreciated!

Hello! I'm in a difficult situation... I have a relationship that had a small break/breakup, which understandably touched me, but we managed to talk it over and try again with renewed vigor! Sometimes I ask myself: is what I feel love or just attachment? I have an anxious attachment style, and this question sometimes completely overwhelms me. I love my partner, I'm attached to them, I want to be with them, if they tell me something first, it's like they're my best friend at the same time, but now there are days when I don't feel that old flame, that excited anticipation that I used to. At such times, I get scared and start thinking about what if I'm not in love anymore, I just hold on. After the breakup, when we got back together, it's like there was a wound left inside me. I'm afraid to be happy, I'm afraid to think ahead, because I'm afraid that if I let myself in, it will hurt again, as if I've closed myself off emotionally (the breakup wasn't because of cheating or anything like that) As an anxious attachment figure, I tend to overinterpret everything. If I don't feel the heat, I think something is wrong. If one of his habits annoys me sometimes, I feel guilty. If I don't look forward to it every time, I think it's no longer love. But at the same time, it's important to me that he's okay. I enjoy watching him sleep, I cover him up if he's cold, it matters if he's happy. If someone hurts him or says something bad about him, I defend him right away. I like to laugh with him, I like his smile, the way he takes care of me, there's passion between us, and making love is good between us. But it's as if the feeling of affection and love is blocked from me, and it's a really bad feeling, because I longed for us to get back together, and now I feel this... The thought of losing him hurts, and I don't want him to be with another girl. I love being with him. I planned a future, a family with him. It's just as if this wound is blinding me... I know there are ups and downs in the relationship, maybe this is just an ups and downs. I read afterwards and it seems that there is a kind of emotional dullness/emotional numbness present in me that doesn't allow me to feel? Has anyone ever had something similar with them? Please don't stone me, I don't want negative comments!…

Learned what rabies was 2 weeks ago with bats and convinced scratches on me are from a bat :(

I might delete this later…so I’d been diagnosed with ocd years ago and have gone in and out of therapy and CBT, but until I signed up here I had no idea how many different types of ocd there are so I’m trying to understand what subtype my experiences might fall into and also find community support. One of the biggest obstacles I struggle with (especially after the pandemic and being stuck at home) is contamination of objects from room to room within my own home/car/outside, it feels like a real life game of operation or like when you have food on a plate and you don’t want it to mix together, I don’t want different things in my home to “mix” from room to room…and the contamination isn’t necessarily a germ it’s like this invisible nonsense I made up in my head, if things mix, then my anxiety/fears flair up and if I don’t clean the objects before the go back to their correct spots then that anxiety just stays with me until I do. A few real life examples would be, not wanting to put clothes back in the closet if I’ve worn them, until they are washed again (that’s a mild example), or if I touch the coffee pot to pour a cup of coffee I need to wash the hand that touched the pot before I can touch something in another room such as my laptop. These loops repeat daily and make everything 10x harder than it needs to be. I just want to live without keeping a map of everything in my head that can and can’t mix from room to room! It’s ruining me.

Hello my name is Holden :) im new here and ive been feeling a but horrible lately i got diagnosed with ocd and depression ocd being of course the primary part, im from colombia 🇨🇴, ive been experiencing these symptoms since i was a kid first from order, then moral, then sexuality then relationship ocd and all of them still haunt me very much sometimes I dont know what to do and i feel wierd like im a phenomenon cause i just cant asimilate my thoughts with good ones and i cant but simply cant live with uncertainty its so frusterating and i could go on and on but thats just a little about me a little i tro i gues :/ but what ive learned is that ocd graves on to what is most important to you at the moment of your life and that to me right now is my relationship i cant control my compulsiones or obsesions, wandering if im unloyal or if im a bad person ( which has always happened and i cant get over with), why if i dont love my girl enough, im scared of losing control, of being someone im not, i feel bad for looking at atractive people becausebi dont want to and i wish i didnt have attraction meter bit just for my girlfriend, i get so anxoius about my sexual life with her cause i want her so bad, its like in the bottom i know i want her and only her but my thoughts say the complete oposite and i hate it i just want them to leave me alone, but yes i guess that what i have until now :/

18+ only I was being intimate with myself as a compulsion after getting worried about my eyeline and seeing a conventionally attractive celebrity and being triggered so I found something safe and ya knowed, I don't feel attraction but feel I have to disprove my intrusive thoughts through doing this, anything from POCD to worries about objectifying women or, usually, a combination of both. My intrusive thoughts/images kept getting worse but I just repeated shut up or go away and went about my business but then kept repeating a mantra basically saying that I wished I was the woman in the video (I'm an asexual man for context) and other similar things like "Use me" (Sorry for being so crass) and commenting on the male performer's body, I ya knowed and now I'm kind of concerned about this, I don't think it's how I really feel, I have no interest in sex or even romantic relationships but I saw someone's post a while ago about them feeling the same about wanting to be a seen as a sex object as a response to trauma and I've not experienced that as far as I know but felt very seen by it and I'm worried I'm perpetrating those things that person experienced by repeating this mantra (Which I think was also just helpful in drowning out the intrusive thoughts and images) maybe I was also trying to test my reaction to it but idk. I'm also worried I was a victim of those things but repressed it or something but idk and my OCD is saying I only think that because it would absolve me of my real events (I know it wouldn't obviously)

I went out 8 days ago and walked back inside the house and when I was walking towards the door I felt a weird sensation on my neck? And I was convinced it was bat I had scratches on my neck and was convinced it was from a bat when they look like they are from me. I scratch myself a lot but I am convinced every scratch is from a bat even though I don’t recall hearing or seeing one? I also had a bad dream a bat was in my room and bit my hand? And then a day later I noticed scratches on my finger 🥲 I can’t tell what is real and what is not real… I keep replaying these memories over and over again. 3 nights ago before any of this happened I found out about rabies and was watching bat videos non stop :(

any of my girlies on Abilify? did it help with rumination?

I have been in a spiral for 6-7 weeks now. My longest ever — and it feels so real that I’m just really struggling to not make a decision. My mind has told me that my fiance isn’t the one and that my doubts are valid because I don’t feel this intense soulmate connection. I’ve never met a guy more patient, sweet, funny, or handsome than him all wrapped in one. And yet I feel nothing. I broke up with him in the early days and doing that has haunted me. When I think of romantic songs, I can’t apply those feelings to him (a compulsion of the day). I can’t believe this is my life.