Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi, My OCD tells me that everything I do is a compulsion and that even seeking help means I am doing a compulsion and I will be stuck forever. So that’s a really fun subtype. Yay.

It’s been a minute since I have been on here. I did get NOOCD therapist session a while back to verify if I really had OCD. I was told it sounded like I had “just right” OCD. Of course, temporary relief only with that confirmation which are two professional takes on my situation. You think that would be enough for my brain. If I detect even the slightest doubt in someone’s voice on my ADHD/OCD diagnosis then It messes with me. I lost my Dad last month. I was taking care of him the best I could but I replay events. HOWEVER, I am on Adderall and when it quiets my default brain network I handle life without crying. I think about what I am doing but as it wears off then I am back to thinking about everything I don’t want to think about. Adderall for me confuses me if it’s right. Especially, when so much of my life is still a disorganized mess. I think it’s making me kinda detached from people. I don’t know that I feel things the way I should be that’s healthy. What breaks through the Adderall in my mind is I default to questioning my diagnosis again. I use to not believe I had ADHD, then didn’t believe I had OCD. I fully accepted ADHD but now I am questioning if it’s actually all OCD after all and being medicated completely wrong. I notice this has gotten worse, plus I am doing this gathering of things. People gave me or I found a great deal on. All with the intention of listing on eBay YET nothings organized and when I sit down to list then nothing happens. I can’t get things in my environment or mind just right to list. I get hung up on photos not being good enough plus everything else with double checking my entries being right. Then I don’t list because I doubt it’s good enough. I had this problem before my Dad passed away but everything’s off the charts right now I guess. My mother called me a hoarder. I have accumulated things faster than my abilities to organize and sell them has occurred but at least it’s all in a shop and not my house. She’s always been the worst for my self esteem. I guess I am mainly just venting here. I am sure OCD would flare up worse after loss of a parent. I just feel like the wheels have come off and don’t know how to gain control.

there is this guy in my university. i think he looks good. but since im so afraid of liking someone else, everytime i see him i have wild intrusive thoughts about him. everytime he looks at me i imagine the tension. i hate it so much i hate him so much. yesterday, i saw him look at me multiple times but i avoided the thought. after a while, the picture of him wanting me desperately came to mind again and i thought “what if he liked me and what if he came and told me that i want a relationship with you” and i imagined that. i instantly got pulled and felt like id wanna be with him. like really really wanna be with him. and simultaneously i was terrified of thinking that so in the back of my mind i was screaming NO NO DONT THINK THIS and it felt like i was falling off from a building. but i thought it again and i had the same feeling. I love my boyfriend to death, i feel like im betraying him. Am i? I realized after days of rumination, that I had no reason for my attraction. Its not like I had any kind of physical bodily attraction. I thought the face was nice. But I didn’t even know the person. Why would I feel such a strong urge to be with someone I don’t even know? I thought it was invalid, but I strongly think it is because I have projected a personality on him that I would want to be with. He held a meeting today. Hes my colleague in a club. I was in the meeting. For the first half hour, I was stressed because I hadn’t written down a thought I had previously had. I was doing my work simultaneously. I was talking to people simultaneously. When I paid attention to the guy, I thought “yeah see he’s just a normal person, plus he has an ugly voice” the minute I thought this, I turned into a fan girl of his fully and I loved the voice I felt like I had a crush. And then I panicked. I moved past it. After a while, while he was talking, a little girl screamed in the background. I immediately pictured his younger sister. Like I pictured him having a sister and she looked kindof yk like him. Basically my first instinct was oh she might be so cute. See I think he looks nice, so I kinda pictured him having a sister who was pretty and all cute like how he looked. And then I flipped out while at the same time getting a one second black out, after which I had flashes and images of him being a father and me being attracted to that. I just got random flashes of images and I felt attracted to that I think. Im not too sure. I don’t remember any feeling/ thought/ order at all. It kept on replaying in my head and while contemplating about it I thought it is probably cuz I don’t know anything about their personal lives so it feels enticing to know that they have a personal life beyond work(since they’re professional connections.). After this, I had a billion other thoughts of this sort. “why am I still thinking of him” “does this mean I like him” “who thinks that” *replaying the thought over and over* “maybe he likes me” all these situational thoughts. I can’t even ground myself by thinking about love for my bf. “I love him I want him so bad” “no you don’t” “he’s the best” “you don’t really think that” “how will u handle ur life other guys ur relationship ur hectic schedulel” “fuck up” “these thoughts r supposed to be normal” “its just attraction” “attraction for so long? Everytime u see him?” “youre gonna try to downplay the thoughts like u always do” “this is not normal” I just froze there crying till I couldn’t breathe for 45 minutes. Next morning, I woke up thinking its just something that is not important, I love my boyfriend so much I should put my energy here. I was then called in for a meeting. I pictured the guy just being in university and I felt like normal softness towards him, I got pulled. And then after a while I saw his fair through the online meeting I was worried ill think something wrong. Then I heard him talk to a girl and I was worried ill think im jealous and get jealous. Then after avoiding the thought for a while I got the thought, I felt like I was jealous. But at the same time I was so anxious because I didn’t wanna think like this. And after that I saw him again and I pictured me being with him there next to him in a flash and then I got anxiety and I’m here now.

We've been together for nearly 6 months now, but our start wasn't easy. We began as friends who both liked each other but also liked someone else more. I made the conscious decision to let go of that person, but it was not the same on his side. He didn't know that I liked him back, and had absolutely no inkling that he ever had a chance, so at one point he openly told me that he found her more attractive than me because he thought it wouldn't matter since I "didn't like him anyway." He doesn't even remember that conversation but profusely apologized for saying something so dehumanizing and thoughtless when I eventually brought it up. At one point I even told him to ask her out before we continued further (after I finally confessed) because I convinced myself he'd resent me if he didn't fully explore that option. He thought that was unusual and hated that I may think of myself as a second option (not remembering that he himself had basically already put me in that position), but did it because I was so insistent. These things only became relevant again when I told him to stop calling me "the prettiest girl in the world" a while ago. I don't have a lack of confidence in my looks whatsoever, it's more-so my personality that I worry about, but whenever he said that it would make me so angry because I already knew of someone he thought was prettier. Especially because that comment he said so mindlessly that he even forgot about it, replays in my head so often. He's started saying it again recently, now that we've said our I love you's and are publicly an item to everyone we know. I almost found myself really believing it because I know he loves me. It was fine up until she returned from vacation and now stays in the same building as him, while I'm still stuck at home until it's time to return for the semester. She's been gone the entire time that our bond deepened, but now I'm constantly bothering myself with thoughts of secret insincerity on his part. That now that she's back he'll be enamored by her all over again. That he only likes me so much because she wasn't in the picture. That he'll leave me for her the second he gets a chance even though I know she has no interest. I just feel the need to get this off my chest because I don't want to tell anyone around us and risk them disliking him over something he's deeply apologized for that I should rationally know he doesn't believe anymore. I don't really want to bring it up with him either, for fear of coming off as overly jealous or territorial now that she's back, but I have a tendency to torment myself with misinterpretation of his feelings unless I directly speak with him about it unfortunately. I'll end up brainstorming how to approach it eventually, but it feels so icky right now.

In the past 2-3 years ive been having extremely distressing thoughts that for a year(towards the beginning of when it started) made me have extreme panic attacks every day and I was extremely miserable 24/7. The thoughts relate to pure ocd and pocd. It happened literally out of no where one day and it hasnt stopped since(it has slowly tapered down or i just got used to it to an extent) I have a thought and i begin to feel overwhelmingly anxious and horrible in general. I begin to question myself as a person. Not sure if im something that I dont ever want to be in a trillion years but never able to truly answer myself. I spend every day an hour and a half minimum looking up ocd symptoms to alleviate the mental anguish and questioning im going through sometimes it can be as long as 4 hours. Im not sure if this is just extreme anxiety but it hasn't stopped for years. Strange thing though is sometimes the severity of my struggle gets extremely bad ranging from a day to a year at a time and then other times its less severe to where I dont feel like its taking over my life unless my trigger (if I really do have ocd) is reminded to me but no matter how severe it gets Its always lingering over the back of my shoulder and can show up at any time. One thing I can say is ive dealt with sever anxiety since I was thirteen to where I would have panic attacks every day (18 now, symptoms for ocd started at around 15) and the level of anxiety I have now related to what im experiencing now is on an unbelievably higher level than what I used to have. Is it possible I could have ocd? If it is possible, does it sound like mine is severe? Or on a lower more treatable level. Please help I dont want to live like this anymore

Okay so like im completely new here and I was kinda hoping to find out if i do have OCD because I’ve heard things about it and Im like “hey i have that quality too” and i don’t wanna just assume i have it n all. Its just starting to become an obsession because people keep telling me i have OCD and Autistic qualities and tendencies but idk if i really am or if im over thinking it or just going completely mental lol.

This is more under gender identity ocd but maybe someone will find it. I’m just kinda in a googling spiral rn Questions like: What does it mean to feel being your gender If I like taking pictures of me in makeup or without (and usually sending it to my bf) and my pretty outfits is that euphoria? How do I know if like being a woman? Autistic women and gender? (Idk I think I might be autistic and I keep seeing autistic women saying they feel like gender less aliens. Idk if I get that feeling. I love being a woman but I can’t tell if I feel it? Does that make sense?) Gender euphoria meaning and examples Am I depressed cuz im meant to be a man or is it cuz im burnt out If I dress masculine does that make me a man? (I never dress masculine ever. Maybe tomboyish? But like. Feminine tomboy if that makes sense. Think like. Skater girl. But that’s once in a blue moon. I live in cardigans and jeans a lot of the time (when I have patience to dress up) or joggers and a snoopy sweater I love) Has society forced me to be a woman? Is it ok to feel neutral some days being a woman or do I have to be excited all the time (answer is I can feel neutral yes) Is it burnout/depression or am I trans I genuinely have no desire to be a man. But im worried that there’s something hidden. Im worried there’s dysphoria hidden or a trait or smthn that I haven’t noticed. Or im gonna be one of those people who transitions in 20 years time at 40. Im worried im suppressing smthn. I used to be a big tomboy, thought I was a boy for a while, but grew out of it once I got to high school, idk if that was a puberty thing or a me finally feeling good about myself being away from my bullied thing or a society forcing me to act more like a girl thing. I never wore the kilt we had (catholic high school lol. Hated the thing) I just didn’t like it. I still don’t really wear skirts cuz I don’t like having my legs out unless I’m with someone I’m close to (like my bf) I’m not a huge fan of bikinis for the same reason. But I love long dresses and maxi skirts. I do love shorter dresses too but I wear them less. My bf is Muslim so I dress modestly and honestly I prefer it to the shorts all the time thing. I still wear crop tops with him, and I feel confident and beautiful and feel like myself but most of the time I’d rather a t shirt or a long sleeve. I honestly dress more comfortably rather than like out together cuz I’m a pre med student in my now third year of uni. I don’t have time to put makeup on every day when I have 3 classes in one day. Or pick a nice outfit every single day. I only wear super cute outfits on dates, going out with friends, important meetings, with his family or going to the mall, or if I have the random energy burst I have once or twice a month lol. And I feel like me in the outfit cuz it’s actually my style, not the stuff my mother wants me to wear a lot of the time (my mom is somewhat.. critical of my outfits. I wear a lot of cardigans and large sweaters cuz they’re comfy and I feel cute in them and she says I look like a grandma. Idk. Makes me feel meh.) but my bf makes me feel pretty, as do my friends. I never really question my gender. I just feel like a woman so I live as a woman. I feel happy as one, I love purple, I love wearing sparkly dresses. I still think about the dress I wore to a dance with my friends a couple years ago. I felt gorgeous. It was form fitting and covered in sequins. I felt so pretty. But I’m worried I actually didn’t and I was faking? But in that moment that night I felt like a Princess. And when I wore a long dress in the forest with my bf (accidental hike lol. We thought it was a sitting park. It was a hiking one) I felt so pretty. My makeup was gorgeous. He didn’t even have to tell me I looked pretty, I just felt gorgeous. Idk. I think I solved my problem. It’s 2am. I’m tired and I have class in the morning

I’ve been suspecting for awhile now that I might have OCD once I started to look into it. Often times I get a lot of thoughts of me being a terrible awful person and being afraid that I don’t even know if I’m aware of that. I try my hardest to ‘diffuse’ these thoughts constantly. I go over them and remind myself that that isn’t me but I also wonder if that’s what I truly think. I’ve experienced this for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had instrusive horrible thoughts, even from when I was a child. It’s always been background noise to me but sometimes I tune in and scare myself and often wonder what my motives are. I don’t want to have these thoughts anymore but they keep coming back. I don’t like constantly worrying if my friends all hate me or if anyone around me thinks something is completely wrong with me. It’s extremely hard to operate properly already and constantly being streamlined these thoughts 24/7 just makes it more difficult. I have to try to think of literally anything else to prevent myself from having intrusive thoughts but even that doesn’t help. It feels incredibly disabling and it often times prevents me from doing things I actually have to do out of fear because of those “what ifs”. I just live in fear. I constantly worry even when there isn’t anything to worry about. I am incredibly paranoid. I feel like anything can happen at any given moment when I am not in control and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I keep remembering ways I have behaved based on my intrusive thoughts. Like I always had patterns of attention seeking even though I don’t want those people and love my fiancé more than anything in this world. And every single thing I remember, I feel like I have to explain it to him or else it means I am a liar and don’t deserve to move on from the feelings of shame and anxiety. He doesn’t want me to tell him about it all but I feel like I have to 😞

So I just took a trip down memory lane and it felt great. It felt like things were better in that moment and it just reminded me of the one thing that's been keeping me down for so long. Adult content. I had a bad relapse that led to shame that it still there. I think before it used to be a lot worse but it's still bad feeling this. I hate adult content, yet I feel like it keeps possessing my mind like poison. I've been making posts like these for years and it sucks that this is still affecting my quality of life by a lot. There were really bad taboos that I remember going through when escalating and I just hit one that was pretty awful. This never feels great to deal with in the long run yet it keeps repeating. I went on a binge of searching through wildly taboo contents that I deep down don't like and am against, yet I kept browsing anyway. I hate how much I remember of specific things that I remember. I just wish I could cleanse all of it from my life. To just go back to the time where I wasn't exposed to it all at such a young age

Iiii am horribly, terribly afraid of driving. I'm almost 19, and getting my license - or really even getting in a car and driving myself - has eluded me for quite some time. There are a lot of unknowns, and it's very hard to reconcile with; even on familiar routes, every drive's gonna be different, there are gonna be different people on the road than there were on a successful drive (and obviously I can't trust other people, because I never know what could happen), there might be construction or a wreck or some other hindrance in the road. It's tough to process, over and over, that I can't read the future, let alone control it to circumvent any Possible woes. I've never experienced a severe wreck or anything to justify this fear, the worst I've done is mix up the brake and gas once in an empty lot (nothing and nobody harmed aside from some fear on my end, just a scratch on the car!) yet I'm Petrified of causing an accident, hurting myself or especially someone else, and incurring debts a college student like myself can't pay off. Even so, not having my license is.. frustrating! It's easier and more comfortable to avoid practicing and actually getting there, but at the same time it's hard and disappointing because I have no independence in the way of going to work, shopping, or seeing my friends or partner. It's a real back and forth conundrum of "Phew, at least I can't drive" -> "Oh no I can't drive" -> "Oh no I have to drive", rinse and repeat. I'm headed off to college now, really running out of time (I've booked an instructor for myself and may end up in a position to test this week.. I leave Friday 😟) and more antsy than ever. Anybody else ever feel/felt this way?

I’m. Lowkey freaking out a bit at the moment. So I’ve had kind of a thing for hyperfemininity most of my life (really just on men but that’s beside the point). A lot of what I find attractive is similar to Sabrina carpenter’s aesthetic. Like frilly lingerie for example. There was this clip where she was wearing like a babydoll or whatever they’re called and everyone said she looked like a toddler. I thought it was ok bc I’m only attracted to adults, and in this case it’s only concerning my attraction to men, but I was listening to a podcast today about Sabrina Carpenter (bc while I do think she’s very pretty I disagree with a lot of what she does) and the person speaking said she presented as a “sexy baby” and that it was pedophilic. Now I’m pretty frightened because I can’t just go “that’s false attraction” and be done with it. I AM attracted to hyperfemininity and now I feel like a predator for it. I’m scared

I have had a series of the same intrusive thoughts theme since I was almost 13... I want to obey & love God with all my heart, mind, and soul. I trust Him to work this out for my salvation. My thoughts: "Give your s*** away for xyz" - various themes - feel real (ocd) - as in 'temptations' - have disabled me, I am failing university, etc. - don't want to live with them anymore - don't want to leave the USA, afraid that God will send me back to my home country because of whatever reason - WANT TO BE FREE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD My question: should I treat this as a mental problem or a spiritual one? I have diagnosed ocd and am in therapy (with compulsions under control).

So I don't have sexual ocd at all haha. I just have trouble figuring out what it means to be butch or futch for me because of ocd thoughts like constantly questioning myself over again. What does it mean to be butch for you? For me, it's about how I feel inside and my romantic preferences for women, for sex, and romantic dynamics. So I like to be dominant, a carer in a way, and I like femmes obviously, my girlfriend is a femme on the inside but since she's trans she does dress outwardly masc most of the time because of her safety, which is fair. On the inside, I love feeling like a masculine woman, never a male though. I've never questioned my gender because I've never had to: im just a masculine woman. But the thing is because of my autism, when people talk to me I tend to make my voice really high and sweet sounding like a nice sounding lady, but it's instinct so nobody really perceives me as butch in my personality. Because I'm not really a stone butch at all and I still like wearing feminine things sometimes. But the catch is I've never felt "dysphoric" wearing man's clothes, only femme things (and that's on occasion, I have a whole dress and skirt collection that I wear in spurts, so for a few weeks to months I will be confidently butchy and wearing my loose jeans, my work boots, and I've literally never shaved nor worn a bra, even when I'm femme. So haha yeah. But if I'm feeling like wearing feminine things it's usually because of the weather or because I want to appear girly and feminine, but I could stand to not wear it if I didn't wanna. It's so complicated. I'm not at all non binary or gender fluid believe me, I feel like a woman 100% of the time, just can't decide if it's a butch woman or a futch or what. Idk.

So I'm still struggling with pornography unfortunately and it took a bad turn. In the past when I was a lot younger I've seen a lot of photoshopped porn of celebrities and didn't think anything of it. Aside from celebrities the other portion of that was wrestling themed content. I do like wrestling and enjoy watching the stories and athleticism but I also do think it can be very sexual which I don't mind. There have been times where I insert fantasies of fictional characters wrestling in revealing attire and some real wrestlers that have shown themselves doing the same and also do sex work or have done it. Then I recently escalated back to the photoshopped and animated porn of wrestlers and it made me feel terrible deep down but I just couldn't stop looking for more and more content. I don't mind the fantasies but I feel like I overdid this and I feel a lot of shame about it. Deep down I didn't like what I was seeing whatsoever but I didn't click off and stop watching like I usually did when coming across that stuff when looking for softcore content.

What is it called when with ur ocd lets say if ur ocd theme happens like when you watch videos and ur mind comes up with something or your hypeaaware, but you feel like u cant tell ur therapist cus the video is proof because no one else would’ve thought that, and you know its not true anyways you just had intrusive feeling, but i know compulsions wont do anything but ur finding it hard to sit with this really scary thing like ohm ur accepting being this bad thing or if you have reassurance at least you’d know for sure,how can u live without knowing for sure even tho uknoe its deffo just ur ocd idk if this makes sense and what you call it ?:) if anyone could help me out

can someone with pocd, socd, zocd, intentionally create images in their head and add details, even try self pleasure as a test, conscious or unconscious? Chat gpt says he can't, that it's a fantasy, while before he said he could?! I'm honestly in a panic!

So this is my second post of the day and before I post this I’m not looking for reassurance just feeling very fearful about this situation and need to vent. Sometimes my false memory ocd gets so bad I have to download past data of any apps on social media to make sure I didn’t do anything and even then it doesn’t help. I did that with my Snapchat data and I saw that I had someone from a very toxic and past relationship on my snap that I remembered I had deleted a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I started dating. I didn’t notice it until I recently had the compulsion to go recheck all the data I downloaded to make sure. When I saw the date I deleted them and that it was a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I got together, I felt my face get hot, I started tearing up and I started freaking out. And then of course my thoughts started rolling in “What if you deleted them because you texted them and did it to make sure your boyfriend didn’t see?” Or “What if you still had their number in your phone and texted them?” Etc. etc. I felt horrible after I noticed that he was still on my snap, I know I forgot because I was only focused on my boyfriend and I spending time together, and I don’t hardly ever use Snapchat in general so I just basically leave the app alone and such. I’m just so worried now and It’s bothering me. I also experienced a thought like “What if I knew he was still on there and I kept him on there on purpose?” I can’t deal with these thoughts anymore, they’re so exhausting, and the fact that I even have these thoughts and they always try to attack my relationship just makes me so mad and upset.

what would a therapist say:things I would say to my therapist:It began on monday when I had a massive spike in my brain that i couldn't sleep I was 25 weeks into 10mg citalopram then in the morning I felt nauseous and then in the car I had urges for men while listening to the radio then while I was talking to my mother then during my temp work and then during lunch it felt like I wanted to be with men and my throat burned in the afternoon my urges switched to ace / aro and then my brain relaxed and got urges, it felt too normal, then on wednesday my urges for men came after listening to the radio, and during my temp work, I had feelings of wanting to be with men in my brain but my throat burned, on thursday I thought of playing project diva x and wanting to kiss kaito and create songs with his voicebank then I thought of how nice my sis friend was (male) I was watching over students and my mind drifted then I had thoughts of touching then or cuddling them and my brain wanted it but then I thought of female squid game characters and I had a thought of having sex with my friend (female) then in the car I had ace / aro / lesbian thoughts but my urges for men returned eventually, today my urges for men were there until I took a shower and then I thought I was ace / aro AI told me my urges for men were OCD and I started crying but then I thought if I had throat burns I can't be attracted to men and I am ace / aro am I not attracted to men because my ace / aro urges feel normal as if there is no OCD now when I think of men I have throat burns even when my brain wants it now I have urges to be ace/ aro and I do is this a false signal AI tells me that my OCD therapist would it is false urges created by OCD and that my throat burns mean it is OCD and I am ace / aro because my brain is relaxed I have urges and my throat doesn't burn but I still cry but AI says it is internalised expectations

I just moved into college yesterday and I’m super anxious and already want to go home. I want to enjoy myself but this anxiety and my family not being here is killing me. I already am thinking of other colleges to go to and I just don’t know what to do. I am here a week early for cross country and idk how I’m ever going to last. Any advice is appreciated!