Question for lesbian ocders

So I don't have sexual ocd at all haha. I just have trouble figuring out what it means to be butch or futch for me because of ocd thoughts like constantly questioning myself over again. What does it mean to be butch for you? For me, it's about how I feel inside and my romantic preferences for women, for sex, and romantic dynamics. So I like to be dominant, a carer in a way, and I like femmes obviously, my girlfriend is a femme on the inside but since she's trans she does dress outwardly masc most of the time because of her safety, which is fair. On the inside, I love feeling like a masculine woman, never a male though. I've never questioned my gender because I've never had to: im just a masculine woman. But the thing is because of my autism, when people talk to me I tend to make my voice really high and sweet sounding like a nice sounding lady, but it's instinct so nobody really perceives me as butch in my personality. Because I'm not really a stone butch at all and I still like wearing feminine things sometimes. But the catch is I've never felt "dysphoric" wearing man's clothes, only femme things (and that's on occasion, I have a whole dress and skirt collection that I wear in spurts, so for a few weeks to months I will be confidently butchy and wearing my loose jeans, my work boots, and I've literally never shaved nor worn a bra, even when I'm femme. So haha yeah. But if I'm feeling like wearing feminine things it's usually because of the weather or because I want to appear girly and feminine, but I could stand to not wear it if I didn't wanna. It's so complicated. I'm not at all non binary or gender fluid believe me, I feel like a woman 100% of the time, just can't decide if it's a butch woman or a futch or what. Idk.

sophea

Date posted: 5d

(I'm sapphic but not a lesbian; you can disregard my opinion if you want.) Butch and futch do not have clearcut definitions; they're identities more-so than descriptors. I think it's fine for you to just identify with whatever feels "right" to you.

Ariana ♡

Date posted: 5d

Thanks! I'm asking because tomorrow in America is butch appreciation day, wanted to know if I really had a place in the community. Especially with elder butch women

geodrimilis

Date posted: 4d

If you don’t have ocd what are you doing on this app exactly?

Ariana ♡

Date posted: 4d

Oh no I do! I have contamination ocd. I wanted to specify I didn't have sexual orientation ocd to clear confusion

Ariana ♡

Date posted: 5d

Also my music taste changes. When I'm having femme weeks, I'll listen to Lofi, ambience, love songs, indie, and softer sounding things like liana Flores. It makes me feel super witchy too because i am pagan, femininity and my paganism heavily correlate on my venn diagram of traits, haha. Also sorry for the comment my edit thing doesn't work, idk why. Also I'm growing out my hair because I'm Mexican and its tradition to keep your hair long, it's indigenous tradition to braid your hair as a symbol of power, strength, and solidarity, for me at least. It makes me feel Mexican and powerful, like I am. But most white butches I see always have short hair or colorful hair like an American man's, in my culture lots of men have long hair. Native Americans and mexicans have a lot in common for context. My own dad had thigh length hair most of his life. I used to have my hair short as a kid a lot and i definitely enjoyed it up until like 2 years ago when I saw the most adorable lady with a dark brown French Bob, like my hair color and texture is. I loved it, and since I started growing I didn't want a Bob I wanted long indigenous braids, like my dad. I love my hair now but now it makes me appear a little less butch, but I still feel butch. Idk. Very complicated. Can you be a butch lesbian and still go through a few weeks every once In a while where yoy feel pretty and feel femininity in a beautiful way, and have long hair and be outwardly kind and kind of insecure/shy? Because in public I am but around friends and my girlfriend I'm acting butch. But I'm obviously not mean or cold. Idk. I've been lesbina my entire life and didn't really know till I was 11, and I'm 17 now so I'd say I've got enough experience under my belt to kind of know what I'm talking about, but still figuring things out

Ariana ♡

Date posted: 5d

It's also so weird thay I STILL feel butch even with beautiful dresses and skirts amd light makeup (my autism can't handle anything like eye makeup or foundation: only lipstick for me, haha). I still feel dominant, strong, but I'm like 97 pounds 🤣

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 17w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 9w

TOCD and very light SO-OCD

I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲

Chlem11

Date posted: 24d

Sexual Orientation OCD

I have a lot of trouble with my sexuality. I’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality for years. I’ve dated a man, and I wasn’t really into the whole time. And since then I’ve thought that maybe I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women, which I know for sure. But then my brain spirals, I constantly think back ti memories with my ex, how I felt with him, I check how it makes me feel. I often google to see if other lesbians have felt similar, I ask ChatGpt over and over again. I feel like I have to be 100% certain or that im faking for attention, or thst I’ll end up with a man. I guess im wondering has anyone else felt like this ? What’s been your experience how do you manage it?

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