Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Suicide OCD people help. Tell me your stories, tell me it gets better and eventually stops, tell me it’s normal. Tell me something !

I have been struggling for years with overwhelming and disturbing thoughts ever since I was as young as 5/6 (after one of many traumatic events). After said incident, it had left me with severe separation anxiety which had eventually made me develop a major skin picking issue that still affects me today. I have very violent and sexual thoughts out of nowhere but with some distraction I can get them out of my head. I think about doing things I have no desire to do AT ALL because it’s morally incorrect and downright disgusting. (Mentions of suicide)…but sometimes when I become embarrassed I picture myself committing suicide but I have no interest in dying nor do i have the desire to die. I hate to admit it but I become obsessed with individuals as well, (friends, potential partners and celebrities). I tend to become very obsessed and attached to individuals or ideas that I have interest in and I become extremely invested in and that’s all that’s on my mind for weeks and even months. (I know it sounds silly but I was obsessed with Batman for 3 years straight) it was all my mind was set on. I very often think about the afterlife and what I need to do to rest peacefully, it sometimes consumes me for hours or I wondering if I’m upsetting god. There’s much more I have to say but it’s already long enough, I’m just looking for advice to deal with this because I don’t know what’s going on with me and I hope I can have some helpful suggestions or insight, thank you! :)

I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Every new day brings new triggers and I’m starting to believe that I’m a monster that needs to be tucked away from the rest of the world. Not only for other people but for myself. I just want to sleep. I am so tired. And I can’t even begin to tell my family because they just don’t understand. They think OCD is simply cleaning and tidying up things and I can’t seem to get it through their heads that I’m living with this disorder, day in and day out. I just want some relief, even for a little bit.

Yesterday was such a bad day for me,it felt like I was stuck in this chamber with my mind and I just cried and stayed in my room. Today I went out to make an effort at being productive but I just don't feel present and I feel so tired. I'm sitting outside the store cause I got dizzy and everything just felt weird while doing shopping withmy family. I feel hopeless. I knew death was a thing before this flare up and I was fine,I've had problems with this ocd years ago but I don't feel strong enough to endure. Now my mind just wants to ruminate, "maybe you forgot about death and now you're remembering it again and this is how it will be forever". The fact that I will die makes it so hard to stay "uncertain" with this OCD. It's making it so hard to do anything and enjoy life. I know it's my brain causing this anxiety,but when the thoughts overwhelm me it's hard. I'm gonna cook something today and make the effort to enjoy it.

my mom shared a post with me about someone we knew being arrested for cp things. i’ve been obsessing over it for like 30 min now. i feel like i want to watch those things and i would like it. would i actually do it? no. do i feel like i would like it? yes. what if this isn’t ocd and i’m actually like that. i’ve done things in my past as a kid that could make me believe i’m a pdo and i just think what if i’m still like that or what if i am that. i feel like i don’t deserve to live. i’ve been imagining these types of things to test if i really like it and i feel like i do, i feel gross.

Hi all, I’ve been struggling with Clinical Depression for 4 years and OCD for 2 years. I just wanted to take the time to vent about what I’ve been going through mentally. I feel as though this is a safe space to talk about my mental health and I hope that whoever out there is struggling like me, you’re not alone. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been having suicidal ideations because I’ve felt I’m not good enough for anything and have been stuck in a cycle of negative overthinking. It wasn’t until 4 days ago I fell into a depressive state. I was bed bound all day yesterday and cried on and off. I understand MDD and OCD go hand in hand together, so fighting this depressive phases feels 10x harder to fight. I don’t feel deserving of nice things or to enjoy life, so I isolate myself as if I’m putting myself in timeout for not being good enough. I don’t want this depressive episode to last long like it normally does. I’m not in therapy, so I try to help myself logically by reading academic reports and studies about people who struggle with MDD and OCD. This is my version of the first step in exposure therapy. I normally tend to isolate myself, but that gets me nowhere so I want to be more involved in a community that understands what it’s like to have OCD and Depression. I’m going to force myself to get up and take action. Even if it’s just something simple like making my up bed, then at least I accomplished something. Fighting depression is exhausting, but being extremely depressed for 2 month is even worse and I can’t let that happen again. If anyone has any advice or just want to talk about what they’re going through, please feel free to comment and talk freely. Even if I’m struggling, I don’t want anyone to struggle alone like I’ve been. “Everyone has strengths and limitations. Having OCD is one of my problems, but that doesn’t mean I am a complete failure. There are some things I can do well.” -Jonathan Abramowitz, PhD

i have recently started a job for the first time in my life. i've had to stop it temporally because depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety-ocd have all made it impossible for me to work. but the worst of all is my relationship ocd. my partner and i have a lot of conflicts. most times we don't argue, it's just a minimal conflict, but it leaves me anxious for the rest of the day. there are recurrent topics in these conflicts. for example, today we "argued" because she has a lot of dark humour and i get very anxious when i hear her making comments about it. i'm not necessarily against dark humour, but I can't stand HER doing it, can someone relate? my head starts spinning around the idea that maybe we're not compatible and we shouldn't be in a relationship. i don't know what to do. i'm going to therapy (it's common CBT, i can't afford ERP), i'm on meds. im sincerely desperate and my suicidal thoughts keep coming over again and again. i'm not exactly looking for advice, just venting and validation, but any feedback would be appreciated. thank you 😊

- any Christian with advice is highly needed ! I’m suffering from pocd thoughts for about two years now, feb this year was the forts time I experienced this I have no relief I always have these responses all the time and I can’t even live in peace it’s so bad and idk what to do I’ve been crying none stop and I just want to know what can help me not get responses anymore These feelings/thoughts make me want to kms..

Many times i feel like ocd is just a label that i use for anything and even real problems. The idea that we just ignore everything and dont think about it is not possible cause if you have a problem and that problem generates thoughts and feelings, you have to work on it. Cause how do you know if thats ocd or not? We say we dont try to figure it out, but if its generated because of a real problem, how we know if its something we leave there or we have to work on it. I will give you many exemples, my problem is now with my sexual needs. It got strong cause one day i just lost control and i engaged in some sexual thoughts and that made the sexual need stronger. So this is a real problem right? Its clear that i have to work on it, now i noticed that the sexual need got to a point where it gave me feelings about things that are really bad, basically what pocd is about, and you can say its ocd, but i have a real problem which is repressed sexual needs, and how do i know that it didnt got that bad that it gives me those feelings? Its easy to say its ocd cause i dont like it but i heard stories that there were some who didnt wanted to do it but still did it to relase the feeling. Another exemple, i say i have harm ocd and suicidal ocd, but what i experienced now was what i read before about suicidal people, i got angry at my family, i felt like i dont get attention, so i had thoughts aboit something bad happening to me so than i would get attention. It even jumped in my mind when i was so angry that if i would die they would feel bad now that they didnt gave me attention, and these are very similar to people who do self harm to get attention. When i shared this to my therapist she said im like these people, cause i want attention. Maybe the attention part is true, but i dont want to harm myself to get attention... Many times these suicidal, self harm thoughts are very similar to real suicidal thoughts, cause the whole situation is like its actually real cause im angry or im sad because of something, i feel a little hopeless for a second and because all these situations i cant say its just ocd, ignore it... For me its like there are signs that might show that these are actually real feelings and thoughts and then i spin over it. And about religious ocd, i spin about sin, we all have sins and we will never be free from them, so when i sin i feel shame and sometimes i dont know if its real sin or ocd, but i just cant say its ocd when i know i have a sin battle, but then accepting that i did sin just makes me tired mentally cause this is happening alot now...

Hi guys I just shared my story recently and I’m scared. When I keep busy it’s a little better, but I feel really awful right now. I’m remembering what I said to my sister during our fallout from what I did and the result of it. Is making me really sad and scared. I found out she is also joining NOCD so I’m a little worried she will see my post and I realized I never said my “intrusive” thoughts were not true. What if she thinks I meant all of them, I don’t think a lot or even everything I said to her was even true it was practically all false and untrue intrusive thoughts but I can’t seem to totally trust myself on it since I feel like I’m just saying it because she might see this, but also I’ve been wanting to tell her it wasn’t true what I said and did. I feel a relapsing of emotions I want to go back and change it I hate my reality it’s good but I’m constantly reminded of what I did and I feel sick. How does one live with this change and move on when the person you love the most you push off the edge and now she drew boundary off of our relationship it is getting a bit better but it’s nothing like before we were so close we shared and told each other everything, I feel like I want to die and come back to everything back in the past to be different. How do I live like this…. She is doing it and I know it’s really hard and I know I’m victimizing myself but I wonder if I was even doing my best I wasn’t working on my techniques because I felt it didn’t work and I let go but I didn’t realize how bad it could be I mean that’s why I went back to therapy but even then I wasn’t working completely on it despite feeling like I did sorta. Was I doing the best I could then? I hope so but if that was my bets I feel like a loser. how do I go through my day and be excited for life when I feel so distraught and depressed. I need help so bad.

Oof I’m having a hard time right now. I have a ton of OCD themes, but after 2021, my perfectionism OCD became atrocious. I got married in November 2021 and while the day was amazing, my wedding photos are honestly less stunning than I hoped. There aren’t many bridal photos of me and many are poorly lit or weirdly posed. I had gained weight over COVID and that didn’t help. The reason I started on this app is because from 2021 until summer 2023, I could not stop spending hours going through my wedding photos and other wedding photos comparing. I couldn’t stop putting my wedding photos on Reddit and asking if they were really that bad. I couldn’t stop googling what to do if you hate your wedding photos. My mood plummeted and I actually was contemplating ending my life over wedding photos. Fast forward to this year, NOCD has helped me so much. But this past weekend, my sister got married. We’ve already seen a sneak peek of her photos and they’re perfectly stunning. Like strangers are messaging me on IG to say she’s the most stunning bride they’ve ever seen. I held out my OCD for a few days and just felt happy for her, but last night my OCD and I had a complete meltdown. My OCD keeps saying “well if she could be the perfect bride, why couldn’t you?” “You failed this milestone, just like all the others.” “Maybe you missed something about your pics that actually isn’t that bad - you should look again.” “You should look up options to get your photos retaken - wait don’t because then you’ll have to admit something about your wedding was sub par.” I’m trying SO HARD to stop looking at pics and going on Reddit today, but it’s been the most hard it’s been for a year or more. I feel terrible that I’m not just celebrating my sister’s success. I feel guilty that im letting my OCD win. I know I shouldn’t seek reassurance. I could just use some general uplifting today. And maybe - did anybody else regret having a wedding because it was just something your OCD could latch onto forever? I wish we’d eloped, at this point.

Last year, I lost my dad. I completely lost it and had to be put on antipsychotics and depression meds. I’m currently on Vraylar which is supposed to help with most of my diagnoses including OCD (according to my doc). She’s been trying to get me into CBT and read a 70 dollar book (my adhd makes it hard to focus so I struggle with reading); it’s not a favorite past time of mine because of that and my dyslexia. I’ve lost my ability to drive unless my wife is with me (she’s my safe person) and same goes for leaving the house. I can’t make myself drive or leave the house without a support human. My doc says CBT therapy will help but I’m so nervous that I’m going to be stuck like this forever. I rarely drove before my dad died but I did drive and since his passing, I can’t bring myself to do it. I get so many intrusive thoughts that I’m going to kill myself or others by driving. I’ve been in 3 accidents alone in my suv and so it’s not like I shouldn’t be worried (only one accident was my fault due to not checking my blind spot for reference). I’m an extremely careful driver but I think of all the worst ways it could go bad. Has anyone else dealt with this and has CBT helped? Are you driving or doing the things you used to be able to do again? If so, how did you do it? I’m at a loss here and my wife keeps pushing me to drive but I can’t force myself to do it. I get to the front door and I can’t leave the house even with keys in hand. Sorry for the novel but this is what I’ve been dealing with for the last almost year or so.

My first post on this forum. I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with OCD for about 10 years. I probably relapsed about 20 times now. Most recently 2 months ago for no particular reason other than becoming a father a month earlier which i guess was some kind of positive stress that triggered me. And this time our friend is really having a go with me. Especially now i am on vacation and have nothing much to do in the mornings which causes anxiety so severe i threw up in the first hour of waking up 2 days in a row now. I'm doubting every last od my positive feelings. Am i suicidal, how is my family going to feel if i kill myself, is it ever going to be better, how can i take care of my kid if i'm like this, am i going to throw up every day now? I started going to CBT last month in adsition to my 100 mg of SSRI . Hope it gets better soon ffs 😮‍💨

Upset with myself and frustrated to the point I felt like punching myself. Why isn't there someone to talk to when life shits in your corn flakes? Why not have support for someone so they don't have to spiral to this point. I haven't had this level of frustration since before reaching out to find a therapist. Why do I have to feel like that again?

Some examples of my thoughts, images commands, feeling and sensations. Who relates to these? -stomach dropping making my chest tight -rapid heart beat/skipped beats -images of horrible scenerios like driving off a bridge or hurting someone or images of what me “snapping” would look like. -looking in the mirror and getting scared that my face will change into a demon face so I stop looking in the mirror. -looking too long at my son and having to look away so I don’t hallucinate a different face on him (even tho I’ve never hallucinated) -what if you’re a horrible monster and you’re going to off yourself -what if your husband and son are demons -you shouldn’t be left alone with your child in case you hurt them -images and scenerios of me texting my husband while he’s at work and telling him I’m killing our son and then myself (even tho I would literally never do this. It makes me sick to even type it on here) -what if you you have schizophrenia even though you’ve been professionally diagnosed (twice) with ocd -what if the ocd specialist was wrong and you don’t have ocd and you’re dangerous -what if you go into psychosis. -what if you are In psychosis right now -what if you were scared of your hands…?¿ this one is so weird lol -what if that bug isn’t real -what if you hear voices -kill them -they’re better off without you -you’ll never get better - you’re crazy. -this can’t be ocd it must be more -nobody else gets these thoughts and feeling -feelings of scared, worried, uncertain, intense anxiety -fears intensifying at night as I’m drifting to sleep -nonsense thoughts that don’t make ANY SENSE at all as I’m trying to fall asleep -what if you believe people are after you one day like a crazy person -what if you already believe this. What if you are delusional. The list goes on. I hope these help some of you feel not alone if you have them as well

Do you guys experience harm OCD homicidal, intrusive thoughts and suicidal thoughts the OCD feel so convincing in the urges feels so real that I feel like I’m turning into a psychopath. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 10 years I found a new psychiatrist about five months ago he started me with TMS therapy. But is not working for me. He’s going to start me on ketamine to see if it will work for OCD, but these intrusive thoughts make me feel like a terrible person and I hope ketamine will work because I try a bunch of antidepressants, a bunch of antipsychotics and a bunch of mood stabilizers. Nothing is working. The homicidal intrusive thoughts are still there almost feels like I’m liking the thought which is very scary. I get really confused and I tell myself is this really OCD my psychiatrist told me that a psychopath wouldn’t worry about that intrusive thoughts about killing or he wouldn’t get help but I don’t know. I hate OCD. I wish i was never have it.

Please someone leave any advice or similar stories. I had identified as bi and then had fears about my sexuality a few years ago, and decided on the term unlabeled to describe my sexuality to anyone who asked and it made me the most comfortable because i was confused about my romantic atraction and sexual attraction towards women vs men. Recently, seemingly triggered by pride month and people discussing comp het, while in a relationship with my boyfriend I have been dealing with fears of wondering if I'm really attracted to men at all or what attraction really feels like and being sexually aroused by explicit images of women I had seen by accident. I am worried that I am experiencing comp het or I'm in the wrong relationship or I'm going to hurt my boyfriend. I have also voiced all of this to him and he is there for me, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I have other anxieties about my relationship and worry if those are ocd related or not as well(such as worrying about limerence) but I'm just so terrified. I feel that just because I have ocd that doesn't mean I can have these experiences that other queer people actually have and it makes me worried that I coukd go years without ever knowing just for one day to know and my whole world to be flipped upside down. I'd rather die than for that to be my reality. Someone please leave advice or tips it's all so appreciated.

My father just told me that I’m a bad daughter to him, and in our religion I didn’t get my parents validation, I will go to hell no matter what, so why bother live if I’m going to hell no matter what good I do?

I don’t even know how to explain. I don’t feel like myself anymore. So depressed. Everything seems hopeless. I can’t get out of this spiral. My brain feels weird. The thoughts are hard. I’m scared I’m going psycho. Can anyone say it will pass? 😩😩😩

TW SUICIDE i’m kinda just throwing this out in the void, i don’t really plan on taking myself off anon because of past experiences i know i’ve had ocd or at least intrusive thoughts for a while, at least 16/17 (i’m 21 now). i had people tell me that had them too that it didn’t mean i was a bad person, and that i didn’t want to act on them. i was doing ok with them for a while until i told the wrong people online essentially people tried to write callouts for me on social media/try to doxx me/send suicide baits. it got so bad that i did actually attempt, although it was pretty half assed (handful of pills washed down with vodka). i put myself into a php a few days later with the sole intention of working on my thoughts, only for them to immediately try to hospitalize me the second i said anything. obviously i shut down and didn’t work with them at all, i was in the troubled teen industry and quite literally got left inside of a psych ward alone locked into the day room for 40 minutes for about a year? maybe more people constantly tried to prove i was a pedophile. any “weird” interaction i had with anyone younger than me, having interest in fandom/shipping/sexual interest in minor characters (i was 17 so honestly a non issue regardless), even posting anime figures at one point people told me was “proof”. i would try to tell them i had this form of OCD, and that would make them tell me to kill myself even harder, like it was proof i jerked off to children or something. i constantly tried to remake my social media and people chased me everywhere i went, it took me deleting everything for a year and completely cutting off almost everyone i knew to get rid of it. it damaged me so much, i relapsed (self harm) multiple times because of it, and the other violent intrusive thoughts got worse during it. i believe people started to attempt to doxx me as well but weren’t very good at it thank god i don’t struggle with the POCD as much anymore, but my harm OCD is really bad. i also have dissociative identity disorder, and i have an alter who has latched on specifically to the POCD so badly i refuse to let him front because i’m terrified he’s going to hurt someone. he’s threatened to do it, and boasted about liking it/hurting me as “punishment” for existing i guess. constantly i get flashbacks that my brain tries to fix, and i get stuck in this loop of these flashbacks, violent thoughts, and trying to “fix” them. i’ve tried to accept them but then my alters just tell me i’m a horrible person and it reflects onto me, or the other alters consistently have to remind me it’s not my fault and i can’t control them/it’s just a disorder. i hate falling asleep because it’s all i ever think about then it feels like. cant really go on trains, i had therapists almost encouraging the behavior by telling me just not to go to doctors when i’d have rumination about not being listened to/blown off/medical malpractice for my disabilities. i’m at least a little better now with my health and sticking up for myself, but it feels like the violent thoughts are never gonna end and it’s just some kind of cruel joke for me existing wrong, like i have all this trauma, literally multiple disorders mental and physical because of it, and my brain will never let me be happy. it has to remind me of my suffering constantly and that 12-15 year old me somehow couldn’t prevent my medical/other traumas and it’s AlL mY fAuLt. not to mention the constant fear that if i talk about this i’ll be locked away forever, like i literally was as a child, and how it quite literally was validated the second i tried to at first. i want help, but help feels like risking my sanity, freedom, and identity as a human being and i fucking hate that. thanks for reading if you do, and i’m really interested to know if anyone else on here is a troubled teen / residential “survivor” i guess. this is only to corrupt, abusive facilities, not ones that actually help people as ik there are some good ones out there. i just didn’t get to go to those. 🫠🫠