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Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and groinals for over a year and a half now, and the problem has only grown worse and worse. It began with just passing thoughts, and then I started developing groinals a few months in. It is genuinely with everything I love- mostly my family, but also my dogs, the toddler I babysit- and I am suffering so so so much. Eventually, it got to the point where the thoughts didn’t just pass- they would turn into a MINDSET for me and cloud my judgement for seconds to minutes. I feel like I’m in the backseat of my mind, and whatever disgusting irrational monster exists in their is taking the wheel. This still sometimes happens to me, and after it passes I look back on it and genuinely don’t want to live because of how horrible and disgusting I feel. I’m writing this because I just had a really bad moment having to do with my sibling (although things like that happen almost every day to me). No normal human is built for this, and I genuinely can’t do this anymore. I’m not expecting anyone to do anything, as I’m already getting help, but I just needed to get this out. Also, I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I’ll have the WORST and most awful intrusive moments, and then after a bit of time passes I can barely remember how I felt in that moment. It is so hard to feel okay with myself. If anyone even sees this, know that I am wishing for all your happiness and recovery.

I got triggered again cause randomly i remembered that in the past when ocd got so bad, i started to feel really sad and tired that i have this life, that i cant enjoy it and i got thoughts in my head like i dont want to live like this, then i was like i dont want to die, but idk what to do. Im sure i didnt wanted to die, but now when i hear people talking about dealing with suicidal thoughts, i feel like i can relate cause they tell the same story i had. I got tired and i had thoughts like i dont want to live like this. And i cant see the difference,i dont have this now, im just really sad and triggered about the thing that i might had dealt with suicidal thoughts in a real way, and the more i want to deny it the more shame i feel cause it makes me think that i only avoid it cause of shame but i should accept the fact that i was, which i cant. Also it doesnt help that my therapist said when i eas going to therapy that im not in danger but when life gets hard i want to avoid the pain by dying, and the more i tried to accept this, the more depressed and shame i felt...until i decided i will leave cause it made me feel worse... since then im in war with does she was right? Did i ecperienced suicidal thoughts? Am i just putting this ocd label on it cause it feels better? Im really scared that back in the days i actually experienced real suicidal thoughts, and i cant stop to compare myself to people when i hear its the same pattern i did experienced as people who wanted to end their life...

Hello everyone. I am new and have recently been diagnosed with ocd. I have a lot of pain and sadness. I always feel lonely and neglected. I had a difficult childhood which also caused me to develop CPTSD. My obsessive thoughts are mainly about my partner. I always want to know what's going on with her, where she is, what she's doing. I want her to listen to me and me first. He keeps in touch with his exes on a friendly level, but I feel my "place" is in danger even though we have discussed it in vain. I keep thinking about her and the possibility of a rekindling with her ex. That she talks to other people more than me. Too independent and I feel my place is in danger again. I guess I'm not good enough, not supportive enough. I often think I'm not loved and I'm a reserve. We have talked about this many times, yet I keep having these things going on in my head. I have severe anxiety and I keep losing weight. I have suicidal thoughts every day. I don't know what to do because I don't want to be like this. I feel sick and toxic.

I did think about the past, where i was and where i am now, and im happy that God helped me through this journey. While i was doing this i just remembered about the times when i felt really low and i was tired of ocd and that i cant live my life, and i was like i cant do this. I had enough. I think many deals with this and its okay to let it out cause if you keep stuck in you it will be worse. So i view that now as things got hard and i couldnt handle everything so i let that out. But that was followed by suicidal thoughts. I didnt wanted to do it but sometimed when i was so tired i didnt felt that anxiety or a specific feeling that i interpreted it as a sign that i dont want these thoughts, so it felt real. Now i know this is part of ocd too. But i have other problems now. Everytime when you hear someone talking aboit suicidal thoughts and their battle with them, you hear it as things got hard and they had suicidal thoughts cause they were tired of living like that. Or there is a thing people say that "i didnt wanted to die, i just didnt wanted to live like that". And i remember in the past too this triggered me, cause its the same i felt. If you think about it, we experience the same, i was tired that my life sucks, that i cant enjoy it, i felt really sad and it was unfair, felt hopeless at that time, and then the suicidal thoughts came... if you tell this to someone this sounds like someone who deals with suicidal thoughts and its on danger. I even read about people who had suicidal thoughts but hated them and felt depressed about them, and i compared myself to them, cause it was the same, i felt shame and sad about the thoughts of suicide in my head. So till this day i dont really understand whats the difference, and sometimes i get triggered cause im afraid i actually dealt with that... its also annoying that when people talk about suicidal ocd, the thoughts you hear about is just random pop up what if thoughts, but noone mentions these kind of thoights, and you only hear about them in videos where people are real suicidsl people... so someone who got through this, how you can tell the difference when dealing with suicidal thoughts sounds the same as ocd? Expecially in times when we really feel low and feel tired about our life? Cause i say again, the symptoms sounds the same, tired about the current situation, wanting to get out of pain, wanting to stop the suffering, like everyone who feel tired wants to avoid the pain...

I feel disgusting and ashamed!!!! My mom texted my sibling and got mad at them because she thought they don’t know to take care of themself and then she said “I’m so exhausted between you and Ishil”. I can’t. I can’t do this. My mom keeps making me believe things SHE thinks about! What if I don’t know how to care of myself?! I try so hard! But then what if I’m not?! I already feel self doubt and she’s triggering me to an extent that I might do self harm and start bleeding!!

So I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm because of incredibly bad depression and self loathing. While I know I probably won’t commit suicide, because I love my family and friends too much to hurt them like that, I also acknowledge that my mentality is incredibly fragile and I could probably change my mind and go through with if faced with any other major problem or challenge. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind, dissociating, and losing connection with reality. I’m tired of feeling this way, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on my emotions. I feel like I’m losing myself, or I’ve already lost myself. And I keep thinking my parents probably don’t love me anymore for not being so funloving and happy as I used to be. I know this probably isn’t true but I’m just waiting for any implication they don’t love me anymore so I can go through with it. I’m hanging on for them and for the hope I can get better, but it’s hard. At one point I even thought about committing suicide after the holidays were over, so I could spend one last holiday with them. But I know things will probably get better and I’d probably regret it more than anything if I tried to go through with it. I’m holding on for dear life and I don’t know if I should tell them. I don’t want to ruin their happiness anymore than I have. I don’t want to cause any distress or pain but I just feel like I have no one else to go to. I don’t have a therapist at the moment, and I won’t talk to my friends about my mental health issues because I’m afraid they’ll pull away. But I’ve already been to the mental hospital twice in the past and it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress and sadness in my family. I don’t want to put them through that again. I feel like if I tell them it’ll make them resent me. I just want this all to stop and go back to the way it was years ago when I was happy and healthy. I have things I want to do, even if it’s only minor, and places I want to see. But I also feel like a failure and a disappointment and I can barely look myself in the mirror because I think I’m so ugly. A part of me just wants to give up but I’m doing my best to hang on. Should I tell them? Or should I just keep it to myself and hope it passes soon?

I don't think I've checked in here the entire month of December. How is everyone doing? The holidays are usually a wonderful joyful time for me but not this year. I've had nearly 2 months of setbacks from November 4th when I had a panic attack till now. Recently a little boy I knew who was close to my son died by the S word and my world has been in shambles. I called 911 Sunday morning for a breakdown because I woke up shaking and gasping for air and my mom and I weren't speaking all of Saturday because we got into a huge fight on Friday night because she said I needed to get over his death even though it only happened a week prior. When the fire department came this one dude was particularly a dick to me saying a need a psychiatrist. I can't get a recent appointment with one anywhere to save my life. The place I do thearpy at the psyche nurse doesn't have an appointment till the end of January and when I called her last month she didn't have any appointments till the end of December. It's literally easier to get a thearpy appointment then it is to get a psychiatrist appointment and it's usually the other way around. The fire department guys kept telling me it wasn't an emergency and asked if I could drive myself to the hospital. I haven't driven since July 2022 since I had a panic attack except around the area around my neighborhood and even then my anxiety and panic had gotten so bad that I don't even really leave the house much due to agoraphobia. Plus I have binocular vision disfunction and I have prism glasses but they don't help. When I try and drive I get lightheaded, panicky and shakey but was never like that before. Drobe 16 years just fine. I find it increasingly irresponsible for someone who is supposed to be there for someone in crisis to ask themselves to drive to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack. Then he asks if anyone else can drive me I said "no, my family isnt speaking to me" not to mention I have a hard time leaving the house due to the fear of panic so going in an ambulance was the best thing for me. I told them I lost a friend to S**cide and I didn't even wanna be here anymore and that's when they shut their mouth. When the paramedics got there they were a lot nicer to me but I literally had to walk into the ambulance and the whole experience was just demeaning. One of the paramedics offered me his church on YouTube I gladly accepted. He said his wife was dealing with panic attacks then went back to church and they stopped. I told him I do my bible app and pray. The ER did nothing for me but took labs and gave me a fricken hydroxizine. I could have taken one of those at home. When they tried to release me I had a panic attack from acute stress. I told them my home life is chaotic. I'm 35 living at home and have no bedroom of my own and there is constant jet noise, loud stereos of people that drive by, my brother on his computer day and night yelling at his video games, loud neighbors who party all night ect....and I just snapped and said I was having bad thoughts. They gave me an ativan (which idk why they didn't before) and just sent me home. Even still I have xanax at home. The way the ER and the fire department treats people having mental crisis is unacceptable. I won't be calling anymore when I am triggered I'll just drug myself up at home or call crisis for a ride to the mental hospital like I did last time. Anyway since then I've had super high anxiety, my doctor increased my buspar 5mg because I asked her too and she was a dick about that too so I'm firing her and getting a new doctor because I dont wanna take zoloft. I've had severe intrusive thoughts and dp/dr. I'm just trying to make it through the holidays and hope for the better. My son flys in on Tuesday and I just wish he was able to come out last year when things were much better and I wasn't sick like this. I wish nocd would accept my insurance (medicaid) I've been waiting since early 2020 and I'm poor I don't work because of my mental illness and can't afford 210 a session. Anyway I hope everyone is okay, just sending so much love because this shit is super scary and debilitating and just know you're not alone, we will get through this.

Today was a very hard day in my head. I am incredibly convinced that I am a p or I was one as a teen and I feel so incredibly worried and alone and defeated and scared. I’ve been thinking about things I did in the past and I feel very scared and convinced I am this person. I’m so messed up. I’m tired and I don’t want to die but I’m also suicidal and I just want it to end. I can’t do it. I need help but I can’t get therapy right now. I’m really not doing well.

After trauma I developed harm ocd with the worst kind of thoughts and I am in an existential crisis, its been 1.5 half years like hell for the first year, now I can read books and do sport but the thought doesn’t leave me and I can’t find the strength to just accept it because it’s awful. It’s hard for me to meet friends and act nonchalantly. When I am not reading I feel just depressed and that I don’t want to live anymore. It’s a hard daily fight what can I do more?

I have been off my main cuts of help for a little over 1-2 months now and I've gone bonkers in my relationship ocd problems. One is I ran to my partner's house confessing all my thoughts all my little actions about it. They seemed angry but still I knew a part of them understood i didn't cheat. But my brain is in such pain. It just keeps playing scenarios with random people like romantic ones with anyone and just keeps saying "you could have so much fun being single" "you could date anyone" and it makes me feel guilty I don't know what I want anymore I just am so confused. I love my partner. I want to be with him. So why is my brain sending me this? It also just keeps replaying all my old thoughts and everything within it just all my intrusive thoughts from years ago and making me feel bad. I feel like I'm on trial idk what to do. I feel hopeless, it's caused me to feel s**cid** and I don't wanna be a burden on my family and him. Side note, I just got back on Zoloft after going cold turkey for 2 months.

Hi! So I just recently got my OCD diagnosis but I haven’t really seen any of my symptoms listed anywhere online. I’m mainly pure O, but I do have one physical compulsion where I am constantly cracking my knuckles/ other joints. To the point where I cant go over 45 seconds without cracking something without being incredibly uncomfortable unless I’m asleep. It doesn’t help that I have super lax joints so cracking repetitively is just something my body naturally allows. I feel so awkward going on dates/ job interviews/ work meetings/ etc… where I’m around new people because everyone I’m close to in life knows and just accepts the cracking since it’s been going on since at least middle school, but to new people it must seem incredibly rude if not just plain annoying. I also do not have to crack a certain amount of times, but I have to get a “satisfying” crack before I can do anything else. It started interfering with work to certain extents because I could have my report all typed up and then sit there for 5-10 minutes before being able to hit send because I HAD to get the right crack before doing anything else. Or when I have a patient that I’m taking vitals on and pause for a solid 3-4 minutes after putting the blood pressure cuff on them because I can’t continue until I get the right crack. As for the “O” part, I feel like my thoughts don’t fit neatly into a single category of OCD. There will be nights (most of them lately) where I cannot sleep because I’m overthinking things to the point that I become suicidal. Not to the point of acting on it, but where I simply want to give up and not exist. Most of these thoughts seem to be about things from my past that I consider embarrassing. For example, I went on a date with a girl about a year ago now where I word vomited and was so embarrassed about it that I still think about it daily. I have since gone on dates with many other woman and don’t have any attachment to the girl this date was with, but I think back on how awkward I was and the self loathing is fueled for the night. If I hang out with friends or people I’m super comfortable with and I say something stupid, not even thinking about it in the moment, I’ll go home at night and think about it until I’m nauseous and crippled with sadness and regret. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately because I can’t seem to quiet the thoughts and I just get so worked up. Night time is definitely the worst for me as its typically when I have the downtime to sit with my thoughts as opposed to during the day when I’m working or out with friends my mind has other things on it. I also go through really bad obsessions, different from thoughts that keep me awake at night but just things that I become utterly obsessed with for weeks on end (if not more). For example, I was watching the show Supergirl a couple months ago and got so incredibly obsessed with it that once I finished, I had a huge depressive episode and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week. And the obsession continued for weeks after. This sounds more like ADHD to me but I thought I’d throw it in here as a symptom as well since I’m still super new to the diagnosis and am not 100% what is what. Lastly, I have a weird thing that’s been going on for years now where I’m deathly afraid of intimacy. I’ve had long term relationships, and along with them sexual relationships, but overall I am so uncomfortable with anyone perceiving me that the past couple months I have not been able to even put myself out there because I’m so scared of being judged. I dated a guy for 4 years and maybe made out with him 2-3 times the entire relationship because I was scared of kissing because I felt like I wasn’t experienced enough with it and was always overthinking everything that I just never pushed through and got myself comfortable. Its been 3 years now since that relationship ended and I’m still scared of kissing someone or touching them in case I am doing something wrong. I don’t mind being kissed or touched as much as I mind starting the act myself. I’m just so self conscious about anything that has to do with my body that I feel like I cant function as a normal human. I also have an issue where I can’t eat in front of anyone other than a few close friends or family. I feel like I gave myself an eating disorder because I don’t want to be seen doing anything with my body that I don’t have to, and it’s made some normal life tasks incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been really depressed lately and have been having a hard time managing my health, work, and school all together. I’m not sure if this is due to the OCD or just depression on its own, but that’s another worth mentioning I guess. A lot of these symptoms I assumed were maybe autism for a long time, and I thought maybe the finger cracking was tourette’s at first, but I was given an OCD diagnosis and am curious if anyone else has anything similar going on with them because I really cant seem to find anything relatable online. Part of me feels like I may have been incorrectly diagnosed, so I would love to hear from others!

This is my first post on this forum and I want to share my experience with OCD so far. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Harm OCD about 2 months ago. However, my OCD reached new heights at the beginning of 2023. My OCD began to manifest as extreme anxiety about my health, specifically my appendix and my heart. I was obsessed with a “made up” pain in my stomach and I constantly pushed on my stomach to the point that I bruised it. I ended up going to the hospital, spending thousands of dollars just for a doctor to tell me everything was fine. 15 minutes after leaving the hospital, the reassurance was gone and I was still worried. As that obsession fizzled out, I began to obsess over my heart and I had terrible panic attacks to the point that I could not breathe, I had physical pain in my chest, tightness, and pain in my left arm. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Back to the hospital… and guess what? Thousands spent and the doctor said nothing was wrong. So I went and started doing traditional talk therapy and I did not follow the guidance and sort of faked my way through therapy and then my OCD reached an all new height and ventured into a very dark place: Harm OCD. It started while I was laying in bed and the thought was harm yourself, there were many ways that popped into my head constantly and I had to wake up my Dad to have a talk and get a plan. We scheduled an appointment for my therapist and at this point ultimately ended up scheduling with an OCD therapist. Shortly after the self harm ocd spiked, my ocd began changing themes to harming others. It seems ways to harm will just pop in, regardless of a trigger, and I started Zoloft which has calmed my anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel so numb it’s terrifying. Has anyone ever questioned their wants when dealing with with vivid harm thoughts that don’t go away? Do you question if these thoughts really bother you?

Ever since my mom had a recent health scare, I've been obsessing over the inevitability of death, of the people around me, of my loved ones, and of my own. Looking at historical figures, hearing about dead people triggers a lot of these obsessions. Combined with the fact that I'm agnostic, and do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, so a thought that constantly appears and distresses me is the fact that when someone dies, they don't exist anymore, and they wouldn't know they existed. I've been struggling with these thoughts for a few months now, everytime I'm laughing or having fun with someone, an intrusive thought such as "They're going to die one day, and none of this would matter" would pop up, and it prevents me from grounding myself and enjoying the moment with loved ones. It makes me feel alone, and scared. I don't tell anyone about my thoughts, and I do not seek reassurance from them because I know it doesn't help. Some days it's okay, some days it isn't. On really bad days, I secretly wish that I would pass away before anyone that I cherish does so I won't have to bear the pain of losing them. I'm only 19 years old. And I know that my entire life is ahead of me, but with these thoughts, it's hard to visualize my life, and that it's worth living for sometimes. Ever since these thoughts appeared, I lost the ability to make long term plans, and visualize a future that I want because the thoughts tell me that none of it will matter. I know deep inside that what I do matters, and that I matter as well. But these thoughts cloud my judgement, and it takes a toll on me because of how persistent they can be. It's really hard to deal with these thoughts because death is a real concept, something that *will* happen. And because of these obsessions, I've become nihilistic, and I slowly lose the drive to accomplish anything. But I do try to live my life as normal as possible. Do the things I want to do, despite the heavy burden that I carry with me each day.

Ive already posted abt this but basically for the past two days I’ve been extremely afraid I might have sexually abused my dog a few years ago. To imagine what and how I mean it: So basically back then I would see her like she was my child or sth. And so, just like many parents do, I wanted her to lay on top of me and then I wanted to cuddle her. Now is the thing that abt a month ago I had also remembered this again and suddenly was like „Did I see that as sth sexual?“ and like back then I also still remembered the situation in a way that everything was fine and I simply had her lay on top of me. But the day before yesterday I then had the intrusive thought „what if I had rubbed my genital against hers??“ and ever since then this has been haunting me. It’s not sth I would do. And the chance is also really low bc due to a few points it’s barely possible (and yes I’ve been thinking for so long I even made myself a contra-pro list): •fully clothed of course •floor is really hard so moving wouldn’t be possible anyway without having the most insane back pain afterwards •my dog stood up after maybe 2 seconds • I don’t know if she had ever even laid down on top of me bc she’s a quite huge dog and usually I remember she wouldn’t do this so if she had ended up doing so, she would’ve stood up right after definitely •somebody was around when it had happened. I think it was my sister. I’m too scared to ask her but she definitely would’ve started screaming at me if sth bad had happened •I never had the intentions to do this • up until the day before yesterday I was 100% sure of the situation and never had any doubts if anything sexual was up besides way before the doubt if I may have seen that as sth sexual •it’s just simply not possible bc why would my dog lay herself on top of me in a way of touching my genital with hers? It’s not possible without a human forcing an animal to do so. • it’s gross and I’ve always been aware of not doing inappropriate things with actual human beings (back then I was 11-13, I can’t remember when exactly it had happened). •keep having intrusive thoughts showing me doing things in order to get her to lay on top of me like this but the only thing I actually remember doing is that I tried to get her to 1) even lay down bc like I said she doesn’t really understand it and if she had actually ended up laying on top of me, it would’ve taken a long time to get her to do so and she would’ve stood up right again immediately 2) lay with her head close to mine so I could actually cuddle her. But I still keep having those weird images. Up until yesterday I didn’t have them and I had never remembered the situation this way. •keep having intrusive thoughts abt my genital touching hers, but I’ve always found that gross and don’t touch her genital even when not for any other reasons besides normal ones bc it’s disgusting and I also can’t ever remember feeling that. Like how on earth would that work? It’s just disgusting. But like the thing is, I just can’t let it be. I can’t accept this uncertainty because it’s eating me up. I can’t go outside with the chance of me being a sexual abuser. Yesterday I even yet again had the thought of ending my life bc I felt I can’t live with this guilt. And I keep on analysing my dogs behaviour to see if she might have any trauma regarding this. For example a few minutes ago I came up to her and started to see if see did this kind of shock move when I touch her at her back close to where her genitals are (yk the back with the fur of course, I didn’t touch her genitals bc obviously that would make all my guilt even worse, I don’t want her to suffer bc of me). She didn’t move one bit and was happy to have me around. But today I also remembered that she doesn’t enjoy getting bathed and I don’t know if I remember this right, but I think she also doesn’t enjoy being bathed and cleaned at her groin area and now I’m scared she has a trauma. I think she has been hating this for way longer than this is ago but I think I’d need to ask my mother and sister to see if the timeline matches. And now I just feel horrible. I mean there are many things that she doesn’t enjoy and she also doesn’t like being bathed in general. And the bathing around groin area is mostly when she for example has a lot of dirt there so maybe she’s referring to that but I still feel bad. I know I’m asking for reassurance but I feel I need this one. Do you think this has happened or is my brain making it up?

Today it feels real. I have my online boyfriend my current boyfriend who is perfect and right for me that I want to meet and marry soon. I'm tired of these ex thoughts. I don't want to be with my ex or do anything with my ex. I moved on and I'm happy being with my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I feel like a traitor and a cheater. Why is this happening why does it feel real. I'm hurt having these ex thoughts while being with my boyfriend. I'm tired of having to fight these ex thoughts time and time again. I love my current boyfriend I would never be with my ex or do anything that involves with my ex. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend. I'm trying everything I can to prove these thoughts that I don't want my ex. I'm hurt I'm lost. I'm this close to even ending my life because I keep having these ex thoughts while calling my boyfriend. I don't wanna view or think of my ex. I wanna think of my boyfriend. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend I don't wanna keep contuining this cycle. I want these ex thoughts to stop once in for all and let me be happy again with my current perfect boyfriend.

Hi everyone, so I’m way new to this kind of thing but I figured it might help to find more people that I can relate to as far as this part of my life goes. I will put a trigger warning for certain language regarding illness, violence, SH, COVID and obviously OCD. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, not really a specific kind just mixed obsessions and compulsions. Even so, I’ve known for a while that I might have OCD, my family did as well. I started having problems when I was about 11 when my whole family got sick with a virus, since then my whole life revolves around this disorder. Where to begin, I guess I’ll start with my fears, I think the better question would be; what don’t I fear, but my main fear would be illness. I know that this is usually linked with contamination OCD and that I deal with that kind of OCD the worst. I’m terrified of getting sick, specifically regarding illness that affects the gastrointestinal system but any sickness is scary. Since I was 11, I’ve had this crippling fear that controls my school life, work life, my diet, my friendships, relationships, my home life, the medicine I will take and treatments I will allow, and overall, my happiness. On top of having OCD I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), I believe that both of these, although having a genetic factor, are severely worsened by my OCD. Things only got worse when COVID happened. It was like the world was ending and honestly I wish it had because that would’ve been easier. My fear was solidified during those years. On top of not wanting to interact with anyone, I lost someone very important to me from complications due to COVID. I miss this person greatly, and going through that grief was immense putting my fear at its peek. With that being said, I also deal with intrusive thoughts that are violent in nature, sometimes to others, mostly to myself. Those thoughts can be anywhere from hatred, disgust, anger, and just straight violence. I have lots of shame surrounding the intrusive thoughts I have because it’s hard for me to recognize that those thoughts aren’t a reflection of my real feelings of others or myself. I also have a hard time in relationships, including friendships, because I constantly question my feelings toward that person, not knowing how to differentiate between the intrusive thoughts I have about them and the actual feelings I have for them. During this time, I’m growing and learning new things about myself, exploring my sexuality and gender as well and becoming who am I today. I’m 18 now and a senior in high school and I feel like I’ve missed so much of my teenage years hiding from the world in fear. In person schools are hell for me, when I go I’m constantly on edge, overwhelmed with the fear of sickness and people and even just breathing the air that the other students breathe. Being there makes it so hard to learn, think, or complete assignments and because of this, my education looks a lot different from most. I’m in an online school, it’s still a public school but online. This school has been a positive experience for the most part, I can learn and get good grades that I couldn’t before, it also gives me a sense of independence and control of my education. However, it also means I miss out on a lot of things. My school does hold a prom and graduation for students but I have no friends at this school because most people aren’t here to socialize but to get an education and move on. So, I’ve never been to a prom, my only friend lives in a different state than me, I don’t experience parties or sneaking out or relationships outside of the non-serious ones I had in middle school, overall, this disorder has made me very lonely. My parents are amazing, they truly do their best to accommodate to me but they will never understand the extent of what I go through. I never want them to fully understand what it’s like to have OCD the way I do. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone. They have gotten me doctors that want to help me and a great therapist but I still struggle. I will say in recent months I’ve been making some progress however there are still bad days. I understand that this disorder is for life but I hope that one day I can live in spite of it. I often think back to a time where life was so much more enjoyable because I wasn’t constantly anxious. I miss a time where I was living instead of surviving. I hope that this app can do me some good, I’m an adult now and I want to change how I’m living. I want to find more independence and happiness and most importantly, peace of mind that everything will end up okay. Now, this is only a summary of my story but I hope that if you got this far you understand that you aren’t alone in this. We aren’t alone. - Jay (he/him)

I feel so hopeless and alone right now. Even seeking therapy seems like a waste of time for me. Im just so tired of battling with my mind everyday and having not much of a support system. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything because even getting through the day feels so hard sometimes.

i don’t know if this falls under a specific theme or is even related to ocd. if someone could help me out i would really appreciate it ever since i was younger, i’ve had really upsetting thoughts about losing my loved ones and it would get to a point where i vividly imagine their death scenes play out in my head and it’s started to effect me during a day-to-day basis. sometimes i even imagine myself dying and the imagery shows me how my friends and family react to my passing usually when i think of something happy, my brain enters this cycle where i begin to think of some upsetting and distressing moment and i cant help but think about it for the rest of the day i’ve had a common fear of death for a really long time, but it’s gotten really bad now is this a form of some intrusive thought? please let me know what you think

Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.