New to OCD

Prior to coming to college, I knew that I was having thoughts that other people weren’t having and that it controlled my actions or feelings of guilt in a way that I just couldn’t see in my friends but I ignored it. Since coming to college, my compulsions and stressful thoughts have gotten a lot harder to handle and my new friends have started pointing out that they think I have OCD. I’ll try to explain some of the reasons people have pointed out or I’ve noticed but at the end of the day I always question if I’m just doing these things for some sort of attention or something. I have this strong belief that when I’m walking on pavement, the amount of times that I start stepping on a tile with either my right or left foot have to match. And people always ask me if I’m just superstitious about stepping on the cracks but I don’t mind that as long as I make it match with my other foot. The problem is that whenever I’m unable to “make the tiles or cracks match” I feel like I’ve left some universal channel open and something extremely bad will happen to me in the next 24 hours (after that it resets). Sometimes it makes me look weird when I’m walking and it’s really embarrassing when people ask me about it and I can’t fully explain the concept to them. People generally just get confused and I feel like they just regret asking and think I’m weird. Once, when I was walking down the street with some of my friends, i ran out of tiles to make my steps even and totally FREAKED OUT. I got really anxious and I couldn’t stop bouncing my leg. One of the people I was with made me feel terrible about it when he said “wait that’s actually real?” So now my fears of faking OCD just because has become a bit more real to me since my friends don’t understand the full extent of how it makes me feel, even when they’re actively seeing me break down. Besides this, which is really the most inconvenient part of my potential OCD, there’s a multitude of other things I’ve noticed that show signs of it. Whenever I take a test, I have to be wearing at least 2 hairbands on my wrist and be wearing a sweater in order to do well. Numbers really matter a lot to me because they each have a different meaning and I’m scared of some of them. When I was little, and even now in other instances besides sleeping, I used to count how many times I rolled over before I fell asleep in fear that I would land on one of the bad numbers. For example, 1 would mean a serial killer was in my room, 3 would mean something would come out of the mirror, 4 would mean a doll came to life and was trying to murder me with a knife, etc. They all sound like stupid fears and are highly improbable but it used to feel very real to me. Now I still associate those numbers with the bad things but I’ve worked on trying to expose myself to certain numbers some nights and find some safe ones. Now the number 4 has changed in meaning and evolved into my worst fear, the zombie apocalypse. This all ties back to my tile crack issue because when I “leave the channel open” by making my steps uneven, the number I mess up at (ex: 4 tiles started on the right means I need to start the next four with my left) is the chaos that the channel will bring. Also, I constantly feel like a terrible person because I’m scared that I’m faking my sexuality even though I only like girls. I’ve been closeted for so long throughout high school that sometimes I feel like my current shame and fear of telling important people in my life (ie. parents, family friends, people who I feel are slightly homophobic) is a sign that I’m not like devoted enough to my sexuality – making me scared of calling myself a lesbian. I’ve also never been with a girl because I only recently came out at college and it fuels my rumination that I subconsciously must just be asexual or once again doing it for attention. I’ve tried dating guys to make my mom believe I wasn’t lesbian but kissing them or the thought of spending the rest of my life with a man always makes me literally cry. I go to Virginia Tech and the lack of an LGBTQ+ community here is making my coming out process and search for a true relationship extremely difficult and bleak. Whenever I see a girl I don’t find attractive (even though I see a bunch that I do) it scares me and makes me think I might not actually be lesbian even though I like girls. Idk what to even say about this it just sucks. There’s so much more that I can relate to based on the discussion board such as fears of accidentally having pdophelia and cheating on people I’m not even dating. But at this point I feel like I’ve already written an essay and I don’t even know where to start with the different types of OCD and where to seek a diagnosis. The hardest part about asking for help or guidance is the fact that I never attempted to get diagnosed, making it feel like I can’t even claim that I have it. Thanks for reading this, please write back if you can relate at all :)

Hiii! This is my first post. I found NOCD through a tiktok ad that spoke to me. It was titled signs you didnt know were OCD or something like that, and one of the slides was “checking my pulse throughout the day to make sure i was okay”. This is something ive done for i dont even know how long. atleast 10 years, im 24 now. Ive always known Ive had OCD. Light Sanitation OCD runs in my family. But over the years ive started to realize i had way more than the “family trait”. Checking my pulse 40+ times a day is something i refer to as my “OCD tick”. Its to the point where people who dont know about my “tick” often ask if i am okay when they see me do it. Maybe this post is me putting it on paper for the first time so i myself can analyze but some other stuff i struggle with are: Often having thoughts of if i dont do A, B will happen. An example that is common for me is “if i dont refold this shirt me and my boyfriend will get into an argument” or if im out to dinner with a friend, “if i dont pick up this cup and place it back down, i will get into a car accident on the way home”. This is one i struggle with almost everyday, especially when im around people (work or outings). This compulsion happens multiple times a day. Now in my life i try to practice exposure therapy, even getting annoyed i feel the compulsion and think to myself “oh my god this is so stupid no!” but if i dont follow through i feel guilty. often when i get my next compulsion shortly after i tell myself “okay doing this will make up for not doing the previous one”. I definitely dont have a number based OCD, but i would have to pick up and put down the cup until it feels “right” or “correct”- same with checking my pulse. I have to check my pulse until the feeling is “just right”. With sanitation as i said before, i have a very clean and sanitary family, although mine is more severe than their feelings. I avoid touching certain surfaces after i have washed my hands, such as the front door knob, or living room tv remote, etc. If i need to touch or use these things, i have to immediately wash my hands again. Even if someone comes home and asks me to go and lock the front door ill often respond with “i cant i just washed my hands, if i lock the door ill have to rewash my hands”. thankfully my family is very understanding. I often feel like certain things are contaminated. For example when i come home i sanitize my phone immediately as it is contaminated from being outside of my house. I often have a feeling of something having to feel “just right”. If i go out to dinner i have to be the first to pick what seat or side of the booth im sitting on before the rest of my family sits down or i will feel anxious the whole dinner. Sometimes when im typing i have to back space and retype the same word over and over until i feel i typed it “just right”- even if i didnt make a typo. sometimes when i am driving and space out i often think “oh my god did i just hit someone” when there is no evidence that i have. it worries me. I think oh my god i mightve done a hit and run. But tell myself it can not be possible, theres no police chasing me, no honking, or anything. It is scary. this one is very rare. once in a blue moon i get a false memory. A main one ive felt since i was a kid is if someone or some object touches any part of my body, for example my left arm, i have to have them or atleast my self touch my right arm in the exact same way or i feel uneasy. this isnt with every single touch, but mainly when i feel triggered- although i never know what triggers a moment where i need the symmetry. I guess ive always known, i am very honest with my family, friends, and boyfriend about it. But i didnt start to realize how neurodivergent i was until asking some friends “you never randomly feel *insert compulsion*?” and they say never in their life have they felt like that. Im very self aware and have come to an acceptance with all these things, although it is debilitating. Periodically i think, wow it must be nice to not live life with these feelings but oh well. To be honest, downloading this app is the first step ive ever taken to find out more about OCD. Ive always kind of just been like “yeah i definitely have OCD but okay” more or less.

Hello all, I don’t have insurance at the moment (lost eligibility due to me making more money, but not enough to afford medication and visits) and have been struggling a LOT. When I was going to therapy, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. I never got to expand on other mental health concerns I had and it bothers me that I can’t receive the proper advice that I need. If this is not allowed, I completely understand (and you may delete) but I figured I’d give this app a shot to get some clarification and knowledge on the topic. I experience MANY intrusive thoughts that destabilize my relationships and daily mood. I always pitched it to be my B2D symptoms, but the more I read into OCD or rather, Relationship OCD, I feel connected to others’ experiences. My boyfriend has been cheated on in the past—to such a bad degree, that it can be hard for him to trust me. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever thought cheating was okay, but I experience nearly daily intrusive thoughts that I am a horrible partner. Even worse yet, the intrusive thoughts often include overanalyzing my body language and making myself believe that I am somehow presenting myself in a way that would make men “like” me and therefore convincing my boyfriend that I am or will cheat on him if given the chance. It gets so bad that when my boyfriend questions an interaction I have with a dude, I freeze and become so panicked that I feel as though I am “giving away” that I did something wrong—even though I didn’t do anything at all. I am fiercely loyal to people in my life and could never imagine hurting anyone, so the very thought that I could “potentially” do this gnaws away at my social comfortability and self-confidence. I always feel as though I’m a horrible person and I am constantly trying to “make up” for something I didn’t even do. I’ll cry myself to sleep ruminating on every detail of the moment I had these thoughts or when I spoke to my boyfriend about it. It just haunts my thoughts honestly and makes socializing impossible nearly all the time. Eye contact has been a huge problem for me lately even—as if eye contact seals the deal on me being an “unfaithful” partner. Or laughing! Because if I show any sort of interest in the conversation—no matter how respectful and short it is—I believe it’ll spiral into my boyfriend leaving me (which is completely ridiculous and not true!) It’s almost like imposter syndrome in a way—because I feel as though no amount of reassurance or truth that I am a kind, loyal girlfriend, I will eventually ruin it anyway so I don’t deserve respect or affirmations. And it’s not even just with my boyfriend. Friends I have lost in the past clutter my mind as well. I have constant guilt and regret over potentially being a horrible friend despite how hard I fought/fight to keep that person in my life. Honestly, it gets to a point now where I’m convinced I will mess up any form of relationship I have eventually so I suppress my feelings or thoughts that could potentially upset people or make them question if I am really valuable in their life (often I can feel detached from people while being physically present with them because I get so lost in my head about what-ifs or where to look or if I’m causing someone to feel uncomfortable or that what they are or I’m saying isn’t satisfying the “ideal” friendship) . I let people walk all over me, deal with uncomfortable settings to avoid conflict and struggle to assert myself or have any sense of who I truly am with other people. It has put such a strain on me and my relationships, especially my best friend and my boyfriend and I’s relationships—which hold highest priority in my life at the moment. It can be hard to “let go” of people because it’s just another person who I have failed—including my own family members whom have definitely given reason for me to be not close with them. I also struggle with perfectionism and order during “stressful” situations, to the point where I will put myself into an anxiety episode over the simplest changes, unexpected accidents or things not going to plan. Again, this could very well be a symptom of Bipolar, but it truly causes me to blow situations WAY out of proportion and convince myself that I will never resolve it or make things better unless I can set it exactly how it was supposed to be in my head. The executive dysfunction is real on that one…To some, it could be procrastination. Or even just my cycles rapidly changing. But it affects my outlook on most things—financial matters, relationships, responsibilities, hygiene, cleaning. I can go from having complete confidence in doing something, to being doubtful that I could even get myself to get out of bed because I know I won’t do what I need/want to do. Sometimes I’ll even elaborately plan a course of action the day before and then when the time comes to do it, I lose control of my will to do it due to my intrusive thoughts. I do NOT expect anyone to “diagnose” me and I’m not sway the audience into agreeing with me in any way. I truly only want to hear your experiences, and if you also struggle to differentiate if you’ve been properly diagnosed or have overlapping symptoms that you can relate in some way. I want to better understand OCD and possibly connect with people who have had the same experiences. I appreciate any feedback—as long as it’s beneficial to this discussion and helping anyone else who struggle with the same thoughts—or even struggling to identify yourself or afford treatment! I just am curious, and honestly needed to have a platform to express some deep stuff I haven’t really discussed with anyone else besides my boyfriend. Thank yall for reading/listening regardless!