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the NOCD Community

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop ruminating. I can’t get over the false attraction. It is all so painful. I just want to feel like myself again. Are there any other lesbians on here who have ocd???

Hi guys, I’m new here not sure if I have ocd yet have not been diagnosed. I have a therapy appointment on January 8th so I’ll know for sure then. Anyways for the past few months I’ve been feeling like I have so ocd. I’ve liked men my whole life and have always been attracted to them but I’ve also never had a boyfriend or any experience in that area because I got my heartbroken in highschool and have stayed away from it ever since. I’ve been constantly googling and searching on tiktok to figure out who I’m attracted to and i still can’t figure it out. This one girl on tiktok who is a lesbian said she thought she had soocd until she talked to her therapist and turned out she was acc just a lesbian with ocd so that kinda freaked me out because what if my therapist tells me that? I also saw another tiktok of a girl that said attraction doesn’t always mean sexuality so what if im not attracted to men at all? I mean it’s fine if I am lesbian or bi but I just can’t see myself being with a woman in any way. But is that just internalized homophobia? I was diagnosed with anxiety a few years back and was put on novo sertaline, does anyone know if this helps ocd? I have a party for new years in a week and would rlly like to feel better by then and stop obsessing over this all day every day and making me feel distress. Not self diagnosing myself just wondering if sertaline has helped anyone else on here.

Hi all! So I’m home from college now for winter break and I was just curious: does anyone else’s OCD spike when coming home for the holidays? Like having an uptick in intrusive thoughts related to family members, being home, just surrounding that theme? Would appreciate input! It makes me feel so isolated. ..

I am having trouble coping with the fact that my daughters will not be with me on Christmas. Their dad left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. The girls are now 18 months and 6 months and it breaks my heart that my life now consists of their dad getting to spend the holiday with them, and I will not. These thoughts are making my BFRD harder to control.

I don't know why maybe it's the OCD in me but I just can't comprehend why I'm currently so stressed about my relationship and questioning my feelings towards my boyfriend because I thought about changing the color of my hair or the way I present myself physically??? My brain immediately associates "change" with "this means I'm probably unhappy with my relationship and that I want it to change too" why??? I don't want to have these thoughts and I don't want to associate every little desire I have to change my routine or my appearance with breaking up with my boyfriend. Anyone can relate to these triggers too?

Hey y'all - I did something unintentionally, and now I'm really scared that I broke a boundary in my relationship. I have heard the logic for both sides of the argument, and while I don't believe I broke a boundary (when I'm somewhat calm) - I'm still plagued with doubt and fear, and it's making me believe that I did indeed do something wrong. Is this real event ocd? Did I actually do something wrong? I don't know what to do.

so i was just thinking about how girls are able to connect so easily with their boyfriends as if they’re on of their best girl friends and then i got worried that i’ll never be able to do that. like for example i’ve never had a boy friend (emphasis on friend lol) so i don’t know how different the bond is you know? i guess what i was worried about is that if i got into a relationship i wouldn’t know what to talk about with him, meaning that i’d rather have a girlfriend? but writing it down now it all seems kind of silly

I have dealt with ROCD for years, and I’m in a LDR. I get to the point where my partner does something nice for me, and I feel guilt instead of warmth or appreciation. Does anyone have advice for responses in real time when your OCD automatically asks you to check your feelings to see if you feel the same as your partner? For example: Partner: I miss you My thoughts: Do you miss him too? If you don’t right now, then it would be dishonest to say it back. But if you don’t say it back, he might think you don’t miss him. My response: I love you (avoiding saying I miss him if I don’t feel it in that moment) There are other more triggering moments as well, like when we are talking about the future and he expresses his excitement. I know I want our future together too, but right now I feel this fear like I am waiting to see if things work out first or the OCD goes away. So then I don’t know how to respond, as openness, affection, and honesty are all values of mine.

I am having the absolute worst week. My anxiety is so bad, I can’t think straight. I haven’t had a moment of calm for days and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve had what I think is intense ROCD/RA for about three years now, and it is getting so difficult to tell if all the issues I see are just in my head or if there is actually something wrong with my relationship. We’ve been together for five years and the first two years were lovely. I had some fears and doubts, but I felt very happy with my partner. We were together 24/7 and always had fun with each other. Then we started to spend a bit less time together and ROCD or whatever this is hit me really hard. I started worrying that he didn’t love me anymore, and that I didn’t love him and I did a lot of feeling checking and other things that I have figured out are common ROCD symptoms. Flash forward to now, I still feel like we don’t spend enough time together, and I get super upset by little things like if he has positioned his body so that it is pointing straight forward instead of towards me. I know I have an anxious attachment style and I am finding it so difficult to figure out what are reasonable concerns and what are things that I need to learn to be okey with because they are actually healthy and normal. The longer ROCD has gone on, the harder it has gotten. Two months ago I felt super in love and was actually feeling like I was in recovery. Then I went away for a work trip for a week and I had a lot of fun and was very busy so I didn’t have time to miss him and after I got home my ROCD exploded again. I have been wondering why I don’t feel that excited when I’m at home and do we still have fun together and lots of thoughts like that. Of course, I know that my ROCD gets in the way of our relationship being as good as it can be, and my partner has had health issues since the past few years that make him very tired which also doesn’t help. He is super sweet and funny and caring and smart but I keep finding faults. I also keep wishing that when he was tired he wanted to cuddle with me or something, because that’s what I want when I’m tired, and I don’t know if that’s a reasonable thing or if it’s just that people need different things when they aren’t feeling well. Right now I am super triggered and my mind is pretty much completely sure that I need to break up with him and that my anxiety comes from uprooting my life and needing to have difficult conversations rather than from actually wanting to stay in the relationship. I am so confused and I can’t sleep because I keep waking up with anxious thoughts and I keep waiting for signs that all is good between us but even when I get them my brain explains them away. I should also add that during the weekend I was at a work party and was harassed by a manager, so I think that has contributed to my spike. Also, we are at my parents place for the next ten days now and that also usually triggers my ROCD. My anxiety is so high that I can’t eat properly, which just makes the cycle worse as well. I know this is a lot, and I know seeking for reassurance is not the right thing to do. I just needed to get some things out of my head because it has been spinning for so long. And if anyone has any advice on how I should cope that would be amazing.

Lol, I've not been having any reaction to the thoughts and it feels as if I've accepted being gay..??? It feels weird, also I don't feel in love with my boyfriend anymore.. I'm worried, what if I really m gay? Feels like it.. I generally don't like girls (and have never), but when I think about it, it then feels as if I do. Scrolling through my gallery I found a lot of pictures of girls clothes, videos of pretty girls.. not to long ago I used to JUST watch girls, I've thought about them being attractive, but I've never been attracted to them, never thought about leaving my boyfriend for a woman.. I hate this

Lately, I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what is causing me to feel down on myself all the time. I also have been having a hard time making and maintaining relationships or connections with others. I'm not sure if it's me, what I'm going through, or just the people I'm dealing with. I feel bad blaming it on others. Anyway, for the past 6 or 7 seven years I've been dealing with a bit of depression and anxiety. It started when I was about 13 years old. I felt like nobody wanted me around, everything I did was wrong, I hurt everyone around me, and everyone would be better off if I would just pass away. However, about two years later I started high school. I was in honors, doing well in my classes, and had made a few friends. I was really happy. Then covid hit and I began to feel depressed, nervous in public situations, and alone. During all of this I was also questioning my sexuality and because I went to a private school and my family was very religious, I was absolutely terrified of being gay. My junior year of high school I was feeling even worse and more alone. I began cutting myself. Then, a couple months into the school year I made a few new friends and met a girl that I liked. I began feeling a bit better about myself and was happy to have people around that shared similar experiences with mental health and sexuality. Later on, things began to go down hill. The girl I was talking to soon hated me because I didn't properly communicate my feelings. She started saying hateful things which in turn made me upset with her because I had apologized multiple times and tried to make up with her. I was also extremely upset with her because I had found out that she had really upset my younger sister and made her uncomfortable. About a month or two later one of my other friends told me I was a horrible person for sticking up for a girl I considered to be my best friend at the time. I noticed after these events and interactions I became a lot more insecure with myself and began feeling like everything was my fault. I overthink every interaction and everything I say when around a girl I like. I get scared that I'm bothering them, being annoying, or I'm making them uncomfortable. However, I also feel that most don't want me around, see me as embarrassing or childish, see me as too emotional or high maintenance, or just don't care about me at all. I then obsess over what I should do or what I may have done wrong. I sometimes also make impulsive decisions. Whenever I have feelings for someone and I start acting like this, they tend to get upset because neither one of us can understand what's going on or why I'm doing the things I'm doing and I feel like I've lost a few good people because of it. On top of all of this, I feel bad for not having my priorities in line. For some reason I worry more about friends than I do about family issues. It's also embarrassing because others deal with much more than I ever have and probably ever will. At this point I'm scared that nothing will change and I will always be in this position. Sometimes I feel like the only way out is suicide or self harm to atone for everything I've done wrong. If anyone has any suggestions on types of therapy, what I may be dealing with, or just simply how to go about getting better I'd love to hear your ideas. I would really like to get better so that I continue to help my family, help those around me, and enjoy my hobbies or things I love.

One thing that I’ve noticed about my OCD is that it makes me feel very regretful and embarrassed at the end of every day. I reflect on every interaction and every conversation and any thought that I’ve had throughout the day. As a result, I feel more and more ashamed of the way that I act, even though it is probably normal for some of my age to act and see the things that I say. Earlier today I flirted with a guy and then as soon as it ended I had so much religious and moral guilt about it. Does anyone have any advice on how to not feel so ashamed after doing the typical activities that people in their 20s do? I feel like these thoughts are making me want to isolate from everyone else so that I’m not put in the position to do and say these things. I feel comfortable with myself when I don’t talk to anybody but I’m noticing that that can’t be normal . I don’t want to lose friendships and potential relationships out of fear that I’m going to say something wrong. I don’t know what to do.

Hi everyone, I am writing this firstly to get it off my chest as I don't have anyone else to talk to. Secondly, if anyone has any advice, it is most welcome. Anyways, here I go... Been battling OCD for quite a while now. Its worse was during the pandemic of COVID-19. I somehow got through it, then the war in Ukraine started. And now Israeli-Hamas war. I am absolutely drained and tired from it all as I live in a country which is at risk of war itself. And before anyone says anything, I am very thankful for what I have and I'm lucky not te be a part of the aforementioned conflicts. However, anxiety can't be helped and it skyrockets every single day. During this time I managed to get kicked out of Uni, my gf left me as I was "beyond repair", lost my job (thankful that I found another) and other minor inconveniences. Where I am right now? Doing my Masters but not very successfully, barely making ends meet. And I am, honestly scared to say it but I see no point in living like this. I'm scared that there is no hope, that I have no future and that my life is in the most basic of terms, at its end. I don't know what to do to be frank.

This is how hard OCD is, ROCD, sexual intrusive thoughts, have brought me to my knees to the point I’ve lost 2 jobs within 3 months due to being unable to function, unable to eat, sleep, exercise, I cannot describe my pain to anyone, I feel no one understands this. I need this community as it helps me understand I am not alone. Please help

Hello Does anyone else feel agitated when your thoughts become obsessive and what have you found that really helps. When my brain gets stuck on an obsession I find I get agitated because I can’t make the obsession stop and it’s worse when I’m obsessed about people particularly just one person.

I’m the 6th guy my gf has kissed and it freaks me out because she’s only the 2nd girl I’ve kissed. I hate that I feel this way but I feel like I missed out on kissing people. I wanna marry this girl so much. I don’t want to break up. But I feel weird that I’ve only kissed 2 girls to her 6! I hate this. My stomachs hurts so bad. I feel so scummy

It’s been a week since I’ve been experiencing one of the worst OCD episodes I’ve had since I was 15. I did ERP therapy two years ago. I engaged in so many mental compulsions and rituals this last week. I feel calm and normal and it worries me, what if this time it’s different? How do you navigate back door spikes and give your body permission to rest? It worries me if I get out of this I will become a lesbian or bisexual. It worries that when I come back to my senses. That when I get better I will want to explore? I’m trying to be okay with the possibility, but I don’t want to. I can’t tell what’s real or fake anymore.

I’m feeling really upset. Recently I’ve become closer to God. And been reading lots of things about Christianity. Now I have always believed from the moment I met my bf that he was different and unlike any feeling I’ve felt before. I’ve been having these intrusive thoughts saying “what if God didn’t choose this person for me” and similar things which makes me scared. I know the earthy term of marriage doesn’t exist in heaven , but I believe that if both partners believe they can spend eternity together in heaven. I keep having thoughts of “what if I get to heaven and God says I’ve got a different person planned for you and you wasted your time” that SCARES the hell out of me and makes me so upset. I feel like wether soulmates exist or not he is mine… and he has said the same thing to me… just because we both have made mistakes and are not perfect and may think differently sometimes, he genuinely feels like home to me and I want to cry while writing that because it’s true. To me, I feel in my heart my bf is truly my soulmate, even tho we both have things to learn still on our journey. Even when we have separated many times we always come back together because we can’t stay away, there’s something that draws us together no matter what happens… I don’t mean for these thoughts to happen and it feels like a new theme starting for me. I’ve been a mess all day because of these thoughts and I know a bunch of strangers can’t tell me if he’s my soulmate or not, or the person that’s meant for me, but has anyone had similar ocd themes to this? I genuinely feel afraid because I don’t want there to be anyone else, he is my everything, so is our daughter we share together… and God is too! I am trying to put my faith above everything else in my life because that’s what is expected as a Christian. Why is this so painful? Im not doubting my relationship I genuinely am so in love with my boyfriend and want to be with him forever and one day eternity in heaven. Then I have these intrusive thoughts that are trying to make it out like Gods the one telling me this (intrusive thoughts and doubt come from the devil, not God) it hurts my soul to have these thoughts racing in my mind. If I spend my life with my partner (this is both of our intentions) and we continue to become better in our relationship, and always try for eachother nomatter what then doesn’t that make him my soulmate? Isn’t your soulmate meant to be the one you feel like you couldn’t live without, the one you turn to with everything, the one who makes your life happier and your heart feel full? I guess ocd just likes to attack anything Good I have going on.

Does anyone else constantly question whether or not the people in their lives genuinely like them? Like worrying that when you ask if you've bothered them it only annoys them more? Like either they're lying to you and really do hate you or talk behind your back? Or are just too nice to point out your flaws becayse they don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you what they really think about you? Like even when you're invited to things you just feel unwanted and that you may have been a pity invite? Like I always feel like I've done something to bother or upset everyone I interact with and these things add up and they slowly start to resent me as time goes on. Does anyone else feel this way? Like to the point where you just avoid interacting with people as much as possible so you're not reminded of the possibility that they may not even like you or are just simply tolerating you because they don't want to be mean? Any advice on how to stop feeling this way?

these are so hard together 😣 I’m fine with saying I’m bisexual but my brain screams at me. I really don’t know what to do. I’m 27 and married to an incredible man. Ugh. Can anyone talk?