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I have been feeling hard these few days, because a best friend deos not contact me because his mother doesn’t want him to be around me.. she knows about my ocd because at the beginning of my crisis I told close people my thoughts. I feel very angry and disappointed.

This is my first talking talking about my worst intrusive thoughts... •On 2018 I was on the beach having fun with my family so happy and then the worst intrusive thought," I like my sister" I cried after that,I feel so bad, the whole vacation I spent crying because of that thought, •On 2021 I was on the car on my way to Christmas Dinner, my sister was close to me and the worst intrusive thought was back " I like my sister" I almost cry in the car, but since that day the thought was on my mind I was so scared, that year was a nightmare, the whole time I was terrified of my brain •On 2022(worst year of my life) I had a crush on a girl,she invited me to her Anime Halloween party I was so happy buying my costume (Undertaker from black Butler) and I bought her mangas, I was about to tell her my feelings that night, but I drank a lot vodka, I was so drunk but that night was another familiar party so, when I was in the other party (a familiar party) I was telling my sister look this girl she's so pretty I like her, (I showed a photo of me and my crush) and I was talking about I want to kiss my crush, that moment I got the worst intrusive thought " I want to kiss my sister" I ran to the bathroom to cry and vomit, I was scared because drunk people said the true so was true? Ah I was so scared of myself crying, since that day I got two suicide episodes, depression anxiety, everything that reminds me that day is my torture, everything even the words, even I thought about if I like women or not, I'm traumatized,because reminds me that day, I can't even watch anything related to that day, I feel so disgusted, since that day in scared to drink alcohol, I'm scared of have something sexual because that that appears on my head I'm scared of that years and everything related, Please if someone can say something to me, because I feel so bad since that day thats my biggest fear I don't want this is a torture, I even take pills I feel like I'm the worst person

Do you isolate yourself because of these thoughts? I am scared to go outside having these thoughts.I am scared to even go to a shop to buy something

I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 and a half years. Recently I remembered that during the early days of our relationship (first few months), I was still talking in a potentially flirtatious manner with other girls who I had been talking to while I was single. I never had ANY ill-intentions in this behaviour, however my mind has now convinced me that, because I was attracted to these girls I was talking to, I was cheating, and now must confess everything and that will make her breakup with me. I’ve already told her most of the substance of what happened as part of a compulsion, but it’s (obviously) come back more strong, and now I feel like I have to scan my brain for specifics that I’ve done, and that I don’t deserve her

Having rocd spikes again. Today I have these memories with my ex and I get so anxious that I miss those memories or I am just lying that I have forgotten him. We had a pretty toxic relationship and I was obsessed with him back then and he was not. That’s why I tried to get him attention to me so bad because he rarely did that. In my current relationship I don’t have to even think about that I need to work so hard to get my boyfriend’s attention because he gives me that all the time. I really love him so much but I am scared of these thoughts. They make me feel like I am “ cheating “ on my boyfriend or something like that. I also feel bad because I have get those thoughts I think other boys are attractive. I know you can think something or someone is attractive even you are in relationships but it’s still makes me feel bad. Especially because when I get anxious it’s feels like I like those boys so much that they make my heart races. Sometimes I even get groinal. It can also happen even I know that I don’t find those boys attractive so yeah. I also hate that my mind says that I found them more attractive then my boyfriend even I think my boyfriend is most handsomest boy ever. I also hate if this attack his closest friends. I saw TikTok of his friends and immediately the thoughts begin. I also got thoughts that I like those boys who I get intrusive thoughts with. Especially if I have been nice to them or think they are fun to hang around AS AS FRIENDS but still my head just bullies me.

Doubting attraction. My story is an interesting one. Me and my ex bf met through online gaming. We were both private people and were on and off because our relationship was chaotic. This happened for 3-4 years until this final year we decided to meet. I knew how he looked before meeting and thought he was cute. When we met at the airport i cant remember how i felt.. but i think i was deciding if i found him attractive or not.. or if he found me attractive? It was a weird thing. I was shy and yea. But later that night and the rest of the week was amazing. The best week of my life probably and attraction felt less like a problem. Before that i was struggling with rocd heavy. Comparing, battling intrusive feelings about literally anybody who wasnt him and was self isolating. We hit another rough patch and i felt kind of disconnected and severed from him before our second trip. Well our second trip went badly obviously. We had weed on both trips but this trip i had bad intrusive thoughts about him while high and having sex and i saw him as the devil. It took me a day to come down from it… but he felt my distance to him. And i felt bad because he isn’t the most comfortable about himself and for me to say i saw him as the devil and like his face reminded me of the devil. I felt like it would hurt him. But anyway we decided to call things quits. I was settled on the decision but keep battling whether or not it had to do with his looks. We say morals hold us and let us know whats true when ocd is raging but.. i kept saying i dont want someones appearance to stop me from a loving relationship and yet kept getting bombarded with thoughts around his appearance. Then it went on to the topic of kids.. and i feel like such a shitty person. He has a big nose.. and i was thinking like what if our children inherit it and like our combination of genes become ugly for our kids? I have bad ocd about looks and beauty and hes known this and it started to make him feel self conscious how much i struggled over it about his own looks. He even asked me if it had to do with looks, but i was debating whether or not it was ocd at the time and said no. There were multiple points where i said yea having kids with him would be great, two loving parents with kids who are a reflection of that. Even earlier today i think i settled on that not being a deciding factor for me not wanting to be with him. Then I saw this tiktok talking about men with roman noses and at one point i think i did like his nose for its structure, the girl in the vid joked that her kids would want plastic surgery for the nose. Anyways that tiktok made me feel good and like i would want to have kids with him eventually (even tho we are over and he asked me if he could wait for me and i told him not to). I guess maybe reassurance or that their were options idk. All shitty things i know. So now i feel like is this reassurance or was i really not about his looks? I think before our second trip i felt over our relationship because it had been quite exhausting considering it was long distance, and today i told him i wanted friendship but after that tiktok i feel confused and like i dont want things to end….and have forgotten why i wanted things to end… its weird.

I have plenty of stories that The dumbest I have is that while watching a “lofi chill beats study” video, someone in the live chat typed “how’s y’all’s day going?” And typed “poo poo caca caca” (ik) But then quickly deleted because some how in my brain-if I didn’t then then someone who doesn’t like me would appear use that one dumb message to track me down and hurt me and my family-all because I typed caca 🧍

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

I’m growing more open about my journey through ERP, and I had a significant moment I would like to share with this wonderful community. Back in August, I saw one of my favorite artists (NF, whose music touches on his mental health/OCD) live, for the first time. The day after the concert, I wrote in my OCD journal how sad I was that the concert was over (because during the concert, I felt free, and present, and not thinking about my disorder). I also wrote “Part of me knows as I keep doing ERP, I’ll have more happy & free moments.” On Saturday, I saw him live again. And the immense difference in my recovery between August through now, is a lot. Shortly before the August concert, I had a big backdoor spike, and I was spiraling. 6 days after the concert, I left an abusive relationship of 13 years. As we all experience, major life changes can really make your OCD harder. I was struggling mentally and emotionally over the breakup, which caused some new ocd thoughts to come up. I was resentful, tired, depressed, angry over how unfair it was to have to navigate a disorder on top of navigating a life change. I had to learn to rely on my support system, to accept help, and to really dig in to self-compassion. I sought a second therapist to process my breakup, while still seeing my NOCD therapist, so it was double the mental load. And now, despite all the hard times, I am stronger, 10 months later. And I am having so many more happy & free moments, and that’s because of my own grit and hard work, but also because of ERP. I love where I’m at in my life, for the first time. And this is after another spike a few months ago, and a depressive period in December. I went to the concert on Saturday with my best friend. I drove us there, when I couldn’t drive more than 20 minutes on the freeway last year without panicking. I was going to avoid driving over a bridge that scared me, but I went over it, not knowing if I was going to fling us off the road. I have never driven that bridge before, but I got tired of fear taking over. I was present over the weekend, and I loved hearing the music live. I wish I could say I’m healed™️, my OCD is gone, no more hard struggles. Of course, that’s not reality. Truthfully, I’m struggling this week-my job is insanely stressful, I’m tired, and I don’t have control over my workload. But this isn’t causing me to spiral like it would have before. ERP has helped me see that I can go through all my hard times. Do I hate hard times? Yes. Am I always hopeful and positive? Nope. But I share this to show that the hard times, the difficult exposures, aren’t always going to feel insurmountable. You’ll learn to navigate life with OCD, and it’s never too late for that life to be where you want. I’m in my 30s. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. And finding joy at this point in my life, when I couldn’t picture it for the longest time, is everything. And this is what gives me hope. Thank you for reading ❤️

Still thinking about awful fanfiction I read as a teen. I remember at some point reading some from the anime Black Butler and at some point, I have no idea when or how old I was but I remember reading one I think that was Ceil who is a very young character with the butler character who is a grown man character and I’m just so confused how I could have read that at ANY age but I’m worried what if I had read it when I was older? Because I remember reading some when I was like 16 I think with Ceil that was like a reader insert and it disgusts me because even though I swear I remember aging the character up in my head and he had to be written that way in the story as well. But why did I do that in the first place? You can’t just age up the character. And I never remember finding the character attractive ever so why did I do that? I read some with the butler and some other character that’s older but it really bothers me that I did that with the one character is much younger. But that’s another reason why I’m worried is I feel like what if when u was reading those ones where I was imagining Ceil to be older, what if I imagined him older with the butler character?? And he STILL would be a minor. I have no idea what I did. But then I feel like maybe I didn’t actually read a Ceil and Sebastian one maybe I’m just imagining it, but I feel like I remember reading it. It’s so completely against my morals and values. It’s so frustrating when I know what my morals and values are but then it’s like yeah but you did this absolutely AWFUL thing that says otherwise. I know this is probably self pitying so I feel bad to say this but I wanna cry because it feels so unfair, like how could I have done this? And I feel that way about all of my mistakes. I feel like I know who I am and I wouldn’t dare do the things I did now, but I already did them so I feel so confused and defeated. It feel like a bad dream. I know it’s been years, I’m about to turn 22 and I haven’t read fanfiction or anything like that in a long time, but I can’t get over the fact that I ever read the stories that I read. It doesn’t matter how many years ago, I don’t get how I went years without thinking about this until what I hope is pocd kicked in and I remembered this.

Lately, I will do something, any small action and thought will get mixed in. A bit different than urges. For example, I moved my fork towards my mom slightly, and in between I had a thought that I was doing it to st*b her. Or, I will brush my teeth and if I drip water it feels like I'm doing it to contaminate others. Sometimes it shows up as feeling or thoughts and most of the time I cringe as soon as I realize. This is just worse because they're being mixed with my actions, and I'll question whether it was intentional or not. It also feels scarier to bring up to a professional in fear I'll get reported.

I know I have OCD and it effects so much of my life, but there’s this one thing I keep doing and I’m starting to think it might be part of it. A lot of my OCD centers around the fear of being a bad person so this act specifically is a really awful loop. When I have a crush or start to like someone I get all stalker like. I’ll have a google doc 10 pages long on everything about them. It’s like I have to know everything. It’ll eat me up at night if I don’t. I never use this information and I often don’t even talk to the person but it’s freaking me out. Because most people can agree, being a stalker makes you a bad person. So I’m up all night until I finally give in and find more information on this person (address, activities, job, really anything I can get my hands on) but then when I finally am satisfied for the night, the idea that it makes me a terrible person haunts me. I just can’t help it, and I’m not even sure why. Usually compulsions have a clear reason behind them but all I can describe it as is this gnawing feels that I HAVE to know. And I guess a little digital stalking is harmless, but I am worried it might spiral into more. Like going to those places I know they’ll be at so I can see them. Partially I wonder if it’s a fear for their safety? Like I have to watch over them and make sure their okay. But that doesn’t really lead to me needing to know their favorite book or their opinion on denim. When this first started it was because I wanted to know a little bit about one person. Now it’s a pattern and it gets more stressful every time. Is this OCD or some other issue?

Around 4 years ago, I did something actually really bad regarding my relationship. My girlfriend and I have discussed it at length for a long time now, and the type of event I committed has an entire recovery community around it. Like there are very specific ways of healing from this kind of event. One of the most important things to do that everyone stresses is to discover all the “whys” behind the behavior. Why did I do what I did? What went wrong with me? What was I thinking? Why was I thinking it? I’ve talked about a lot of these “whys” with my girlfriend, but recently she has decided (with the help of her therapist) to set boundaries around my confessing. She doesn’t want to hear anymore about these past thoughts or what was going on in my mind. Hard stop. She feels she knows enough, and she forgives me and wants to move forward. I’m terrified. Another “why” has recently popped into my head that I haven’t confessed. It feels especially egregious and serious to confess. I feel like she would be very hurt if she knew, and I’m afraid it would change her mind about deciding to be with me. I shared all this with her without confessing the actual thought/event/intention, and even knowing all that, she still doesn’t want me to confess. She says it wouldn’t change how she feels. But obviously she can’t know that for sure, because she doesn’t know what it is I’m feeling the need to confess. How do I not feel like I’m hiding something important? I feel like she doesn’t know how awful I truly am. I feel like this “why” would hurt her deeply, and I don’t want to hurt her, but she deserves to know what kind of person I am/was. I had a therapy session today and talked briefly about it, but it just brought up more anxiety. I have a packed day ahead including dinner and karaoke with her and our friends, but I just don’t feel good. I can’t stop thinking about this. How do I stay present with all this fear, guilt, shame, and doubt?

I really don’t like it when OCD ruins excitement. Excitement is usually a rare feeling for me , but it feels like I’m walking on ice, trying not to let ocd “ruin” my excitement. 🙃

What is a healthy way to deal with false memories? Especially very vivid ones? I’ve been feeling relatively anxiety-free over the past few days but it suddenly started again because I got triggered by going on a beautiful date with my partner :( I’m so sad that these happy moments always trigger intrusive thoughts. Essentially, about a year and a half ago, I went to karaoke with my friend group. At one point, I went into the bathroom and a guy in our friend group was waiting to use the bathroom after me. I passed him in the quiet, dark and empty hallway. I remember I had an intrusive thought about making out with him in that moment. It lingered even after I got back from the bathroom. For a year and a half, I didn’t think about that incident at ALL. I have gone through so many cheating ROCD phases since then (even one super recently about 3 weeks ago), but never have I EVER considered that I may have cheated physically in any way (it was always centered around digital/emotional cheating). I know for a fact that if something had happened, there is absolutely NO way that I would have just forgotten about it. Cheating ROCD has been my main theme since I first got with my partner, and I know for a fact that there is no way I would ever cheat on him or trigger that in any way. Well for some random reason, this memory popped into my head. I pictured myself making out with him in the bathroom. I feel sick and panicked. The image of that happening is literally like a nightmare. When I replay it in my head, I start to panic and I feel like vomiting and confessing. I am so terrified now that it may have happened. The thing is, this guy is in our friend group and he was dating my friend at the time. He’s still in my social circle. I feel like I would absolutely know if I had made out with him - socially, *something* would have changed right? We have literally no messages together, no indication of any sort of romantic interaction EVER. I also don’t drink, so I know I was sober when it “happened,” so there is no issue of alcohol potentially clouding my mind. I keep replaying the image of us making out and it’s making me so so sick, physically. The thing is, at the time I remember that I had an intrusive thought about making out with him, and I remember that I deliberately walked past him and kept telling myself that I’m innocent, that nothing happened, and I remember questioning it even from the moment that I walked past him. Why is the memory so vivid? Should I keep replaying it?

There's no other way to explain it but it feels like I'm on the edge of losing my mind. I've been struggling for the past month a lot and my biggest fear now is schizophrenia. And every day it feels like I'm waiting to get it. I'm waiting to start hallucinations or psychosis to come. Obviously I don't want that at all I would do anything for that not to happen but because I'm so scared it feels like any second it could happen and like I'm waiting for it. Like I'm listening to music and I'm afraid I'm gonna hear something that isn't there. Or even looking around I'm afraid to see something that isn't there. I'm trying really hard to let the fear be, let the thoughts come, say maybe maybe not, try to not figure it out. But it's not helping I'm more and more scared and tired every day

Can anyone give me any tips on how to stop seeking reassurance. Once I start I can’t stop

I have some questions for anyone experiencing this subtype. I have been constantly in fight or flight anxiety for the past 6 days. My heart is beating out of my chest, I can’t sit still, and I hate being home alone/ bored. My mind tells me that it’s only a matter of time before I do something cause I won’t be able to handle this intense anxiety anymore. It’s really scary and really distressing to me. Can OCD convince you that you want to do something even when your body language is screaming no? Any suggestions on how to manage this/ has anyone else experienced these feelings? Thanks in advance!

is reading through posts to find someone to relate to in regards of a symptom a compulsion? i do that all of the time because i feel like an outcast even though i’m not diagnosed. i literally feel like i won’t get diagnosed, but instead i’m just using ocd as a way to deny who i really am. another thought i’ve been having is what if i have anxiety because i can’t act on it instead of because i’m scared i will act on it? i typically relate my feelings to all of this too and it feels like i want to everytime i think about it. however i’ve never done anything remotely harmful. i actually am staying with my sister for the week hoping it will help the thoughts and alleviate them since i’m more isolated. and no matter how much proof there is or how much i remind myself of who i was before this that i’m not this person, the urges and feeling like i genuinely want to i get when the thoughts come just overrides everything.

Like an hour ago I posted that I had an involuntary hand movement the exact same time that my brother walked by at my side (my hand didn’t touch him or anything it just moved) , and since I was looking for reassurance nocd marked my post as that, but I’m scared of me being misinterpreted, because I forgot mentioning that my hand DID NOT touched anything , it just moved, but I’m ruminating about people misunderstanding my post and thinking that I did something that I don’t and I feel so anxious right now 😭