- Date posted
- 1y
Fanfiction worry
Still thinking about awful fanfiction I read as a teen. I remember at some point reading some from the anime Black Butler and at some point, I have no idea when or how old I was but I remember reading one I think that was Ceil who is a very young character with the butler character who is a grown man character and I’m just so confused how I could have read that at ANY age but I’m worried what if I had read it when I was older? Because I remember reading some when I was like 16 I think with Ceil that was like a reader insert and it disgusts me because even though I swear I remember aging the character up in my head and he had to be written that way in the story as well. But why did I do that in the first place? You can’t just age up the character. And I never remember finding the character attractive ever so why did I do that? I read some with the butler and some other character that’s older but it really bothers me that I did that with the one character is much younger. But that’s another reason why I’m worried is I feel like what if when u was reading those ones where I was imagining Ceil to be older, what if I imagined him older with the butler character?? And he STILL would be a minor. I have no idea what I did. But then I feel like maybe I didn’t actually read a Ceil and Sebastian one maybe I’m just imagining it, but I feel like I remember reading it. It’s so completely against my morals and values. It’s so frustrating when I know what my morals and values are but then it’s like yeah but you did this absolutely AWFUL thing that says otherwise. I know this is probably self pitying so I feel bad to say this but I wanna cry because it feels so unfair, like how could I have done this? And I feel that way about all of my mistakes. I feel like I know who I am and I wouldn’t dare do the things I did now, but I already did them so I feel so confused and defeated. It feel like a bad dream. I know it’s been years, I’m about to turn 22 and I haven’t read fanfiction or anything like that in a long time, but I can’t get over the fact that I ever read the stories that I read. It doesn’t matter how many years ago, I don’t get how I went years without thinking about this until what I hope is pocd kicked in and I remembered this.