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I don't like myself anymore. OCD took my personality. I don't know if this is my reality. Why does it feel real?

Nsfw tw// a compulsion I struggle with is m-sturbation. when the groinal responses and thoughts get to bad I do that to gain some sense of relief. but sometimes I end up agreeing with the thoughts or think bad stuff while doing it just to “give in” and also “test myself” and finish so i can find some relief. but IMMEDIATELY afterwards is a sense of shame and regret of wtf did I just do? i guess doing this gives me a sense of control over whatever this is so i try to agree with it but the compulsion is so gross and so is the theme so why would i ever find relief. i honestly believe im a p in denial. my pocd has been acting up non stop for almost 2 and a half months. I feel like im going to cry

i went to target with my sister, and i got into a mindset so bad i’m questioning everything right now. she was walking in front of me, and at one point i walking more in her direction, took a step towards her while having attention on her butt. i think i took the step bc i wanted to feel a groinal while thinking of her butt, but i don’t want that to be true. after, i couldn’t look at her, and i had a few moments where i genuinely felt like i wanted to do something sexual. i genuinely felt and thought that way. when we got in the car, i had a really bad moment like that, as i think i leaned in her direction while having a groinal. i started crying, but couldn’t take my focus off the road for the rest of the way home. now i’m in my car and i feel as though this is really the end. combined with every other horrid thing i feel about my family, children and animals, my life only feels like doom. it was literal hell tonight, and i never thought it would get that bad. i don’t know what to do, i feel like i should be waste

Does anyone recall what triggered there ocd or has anyone gotten a proper explanation of why this happens? I know people say it attacks what you love the most. And can someone explain HOW it feels so real. I’m SO tired.

So long story short I used to watch lesbian porn because I realized I was a very sexual child growing up and it aroused me. Still always had crushes on boys my whole life. And I finally got a bf who is the sweetest guy and I love him so much. I know I’m not gay but ever since ocd my whole thought process has changed like one time I was kissing my bf and bc of this disorder it’s hard for me to get aroused with him rn though I know I am because I used to feel it when we got togther a lot and I’m still very much attracted to him in every way but I guess bc I did t feel aroused while kissing him I realized I was trying to think of lesbians but I caught myself before and I told myself that’s not me like why did I go straight to that. And I realized my thinking has become so black and white anytime my bf does something and I question it my mind is it’s because you’re a lesbian. Whne I know that’s not who I am I have always loved men and I want the whole husband kids and white picket fence life and everything and I have this amazing bf who loves me who I jjst want to be with I know I’m not gay or on the spectrum I do find lesbian porn arousing because I am a sexual being but my head can’t seem to understand that I jjst love men and only want to be with them. I know OCD doesn’t reaping to logic but my libido is low again and I just want to kiss my bf and sleep with him. Being with a women doesn’t excite me and everything I do with my bf I wouldn’t do it with a women I’ve always wanted a bf and now that I get one this shit happens. Has anyone experienced this pleas help I know I’m not gay I know I love being with men it’s just hard to see that to especially because my loss of libido.

Went down the rabbit hole this morning after I got off a call with my nurse practitioner. We decided to up my fluvoxemine and change from Zyprexa to Abilify because my intrusive thoughts and depression seem to have worsened. For whatever reason after I got off the call, panic set in maybe about changing meds or upping my dosage. My mind was racing and I couldn’t calm down. I probably said “kill myself” and “I don’t want to kill myself” a hundred times. I haven’t had a panic attack in a few weeks and this one was bad. I’m finally calmed down but still having the intrusive thoughts. What have I done to deserve this. I can’t take it anymore.

Went on this date with a very creepy guy and my friend had encouraged me to go becuase she thought it would help me get out of my comfort zone and I agreed after thinking about it for a little while because before I went on the date he seemed nice enough and I decided I would go and I was explaining to my other friend why I went and I mentioned that my friend had encouraged me and that I took her advice because I know myself and I can be really picky so I was trying to not be like that but then I worry that I’m like putting the blame on her even though it’s not really her fault that I chose to go and she had good intentions either way but I feel bad telling people that and I don’t know why I did and now my brain keeps telling me that I’m blaming her and that it’s her fault but it’s not her fault but now I keep getting those “what if it’s her fault” things and I keep saying no she just encouraged me and that isn’t anyone’s fault. And I would never say out loud its her fault that I went on the date because that is literally an insane thing to say, but I also wouldn’t have gone had she not encouraged me. She was just encouraging me to do whatever she thought I wanted to do so i shouldn’t feel this way idfk what’s going on.

I called a therapist to consider switching my therapist and told her about my thoughts and then she asked me “is it the ocd thoughts? Don’t you have a plan to do it?” SERIOUSLY?????????????

Hey all. I’ve been struggling really badly with mental compulsions. The more I don’t want them to be there, the more they come. Mental checking/reviewing is the easiest way to describe it. Anyone have any tips on how to break the cycle?

So I’m getting treatment in person and today I had a phone call and it was basically asking questions to see if it is ocd.like an assessment. On the phone there was a lot of questions and I had to answer with numbers So for example she would say a statement “I excessively wash” and then I answer on how much I experience it : 1-not at all 2-a little 3-moderately 4-all the time But now I feel like I lied for some questions and just that I’m lying that I have ocd and using it as an excuse and that I’m just not bad enough. Like I’m scared I’m lying saying I experience some of the things. Like my head lately keeps saying that I’m putting it on and that I don’t have it or using it as an excuse I’m scared what if I don’t have it like right now it’s telling me I’m lying. I feel like I’m making it all up Because a lot of questions around ocd I never hear them talk or ask me about a lot of themes like Pocd Rocd So ocd So when I don’t experience things they ask about like symmetry , ordering or harming others it makes me feel like I don’t have ocd

I’ve been posting a lot lately because I’ve been super scared of an old theme coming back. All because of a TikTok I saw about someone who potentially was going to hurt their pet. I’ve had ugly themes like this before but it was a long time ago and I got over it but now because of this TikTok I saw-I feel it coming back and I’m scared I don’t want to think those thoughts again or make connections to my past that weren’t a big deal- If there’s someone who overcame an old theme, how did you do it? What did you when it was coming back? I just want to feel normal for once without this crap.

I looked back at my life wondered if I did terrible things and just don't remember and as much as I can sit here today and say to myself I know I would do that, and I could never forget if I did... I still can't trust myself. I hate this

I’m still a minor and living with my mother. I want to talk to a doctor about OCD because I fall into place with quite a few symptoms. The only issue is I need to convince my mom. She literally scares me, so it’s hard talking to her. And with stuff like this she typically yells at me and tells me I’m being dramatic. She doesn’t listen to how I feel till it bugs her. For instance, I injured my knee about 6 months ago while figure skating. It took her two months of me complaining to finally LOOK at my knee. She ended up taking me to a doctor where I was told I needed physical therapy, an x-ray, that I injured a lot of tissue and muscle, and that my kneecap wasn’t in place correctly. Moral of the story, something was wrong for months and she didn’t bother to care for it till she decided it was time. I’m worried she’ll push this off. Or punish me in a way because I’m “trying to be mentally ill” But this OCD stuff has been happening since I was younger, but keeps adding more. If anyone has any advice please tell me. Is there any way you think I could get her to let me speak to someone? Or any way I could “prove” my case? As an extra detail my mom works at a place that deals with mentally ill people, and lots of people who have ocd. There has always been a running joke that I’m autistic, because I count lights, and do a lot of weird stuff. One day while in the car she was talking to someone and whispered “but what she does (as in me) isn’t Autism, that’s all ocd” And that’s when my world clicked into place. I started doing research and found it easy to relate to ocd folks. She hasn’t mentioned it since. Anyways, thank you for reading. Have a good day stranger :) Take care

The last month I’ve been hyper focusing/obsessing about falling asleep and thus it’s caused anxiety and keeps me up every night. I’m not sure how to do ERP around this and I want to get normal sleep again but it’s like my brain won’t shut off whenever I go to bed. Anyone have any tips?

Hi all! I am asking for ‚reassurance‘ and in this case I think it’s ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father sa‘d me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a ‚reason‘ implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancé is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancé and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when I’m angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I don’t even remember how I felt (which is great, it’s dissociation‘s purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but it’s how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with her… it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday … like 100% didn’t know what was real… Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!

My partner is away this week. What’s more, my period is coming up and my ocd always gets worse because of hormones. Even in the best of circumstances, I deal with feelings of loneliness and intrusive thoughts about loneliness, being a bad friend and being a bad person. I have friends, some lifelong ones even, but I never quite feel whole. Or like it’s enough. Or if I feel good while hanging out, the loneliness creeps in after I leave the hang and ocd tells me to review everything I said (I have gotten better at resisting this compulsion). The hard thing is that this loneliness makes it harder to reach out to friends or even strike up conversations with random people I might see in my day to day. Ocd tells me terrible things when I feel lonely and it’s hard to not believe those terrible things. Anyone else go through this? Any tips on exposures? I’ve reached out to two close friends just letting them know I feel down. I booked an extra therapy appt just because the feelings are intense and my partner is away. I was planning to go to a support group if the timing works out. Just feels really hard to do anything, like a big slog, but I’m just kind of dragging myself along. Thanks for reading.

*Before beginning, I just want to clarify that when I describe these sx’s (symptoms) as “weird,” I mean what an average person without OCD would probably consider weird. I don’t judge them, but do still admittedly feel considerable embarrassment if I experience them in public.* In general, most of these triggers during high stress or when things in my life seem out of control. My best guess is that the anxiety relief I feel from fulfilling a compulsion helps me feel like I have a little more “control” and things are okay. This isn’t a thought process I actively have when obsessing, but more like a feeling based on what makes my sx’s worse and when they pop up. Some of these sx’s are associated w/ intrusive thoughts, but sometimes it’s just like everything “feels wrong” if I don’t do the compulsion correctly. I came up with random names for the sx’s: 1) “Reorienting in space” - sometimes I feel the need to say certain things (like if talking to myself) or think certain things facing specific direction. I’d experienced this before, “grew out of it,” and now it’s somewhat back. It used to be like I had to face East, or north, or whatever, but now it’s more based on facing specific objects. So like facing a doorway, facing the front of my house, or even the direction of a specific place in my city, etc. It’s STRANGE but yeah so there’s that. 2) “Overcoming imagined barriers” - so this isn’t really something that bothers me much at all anymore, but it still stands out as one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had with OCD. This trigger is similar to the last one, except in addition to facing a certain way, I would imagine a literal barrier that exists like somewhere up ahead of me, and I would have to convince myself I’m physically moving past that barrier in order to feel like I’m “in the clear” and like I have “control.” Often the first barrier I imagined wouldn’t suffice. It wasn’t far enough away, it wasn’t “strong enough,” etc. It would often take me upwards of 10 attempts or more every time this would occur in order to move on. After typing this out I understand my brain 10 times less. 3) “Desire for control of others’ behaviors, events, & objects” - so this isn’t as extreme as it might sound, I don’t like try to control people. It’s more like I’ll have to wait until someone stops coughing to put my phone down, waiting until someone stops speaking to proceed with whatever I was doing. Or waiting for train noises to stop, cars to stop going by, to mentally “move on.” Though I’ve found it’s been getting more out of control lately, and I’m not helping things by reinforcing the symptoms ever time I complete the compulsion. I’m sure there are other odd ones I can think of, but these 3, especially the first 2, take the cake 🎂 for me. If ANYONE can relate to ANY of this I’d be cool to know I’m not the single weirdest homo sapien there ever was, but I’ll be happier for you if you can’t relate.

i have been having a really depressive couple of months and i am having an especially bad day. I have never really had suicidal thoughts until this spring, but they keep spreading like wildfire. I would never do such a thing or even plan out taking my own life. I am not one to give up that easy and there are so many things I love about my life and so many people who need me. There are so many things I have yet to live and I am excited to see!!! I think it may just be a really intense intrusive thought. It pops into my head really graphically and it immediately upsets me to a point of panic attack, because for just one moment it feels like the only path. Today it has been happening like every thirty minutes since i’ve been awake and I really just want it to stop. Is this normal for others?? How do you get it to calm down. [I think I am planning on calling a hotline tonight, i’m not going to tell them i’m actually thinking about it(because i’m not). I just really need someone to talk to. I just wish it could be someone who knows me but I don’t want to worry them. No one in my life really understands my OCD very well, they kind of just think it’s basic level cleanliness and obsessive thought OCD.]

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

How do you stop constantly checking/scanning your brain for thoughts! It’s my biggest compulsion and it’s getting me so down because I do not want these thoughts but I can’t seems to physically stop checking they are there which then greats even more!!!