Welcome to
the NOCD Community

How do you improve on Self Esteem when you are disgusted with yourself because of your intrusive thoughts?!?!

Does anyone ever worry that they’re inherently a bad person just waiting to do something horrific?

Does anyone else ever question if/doubt that their feelings are real? I've been doing that near constantly for a long time now, and it causes a LOT of distress (at least I THINK it's distress). Lately when I feel spiritual and read my scriptures, pray, or watch a religious message, or get the urge to, my brain says, "What if you're only doing this out of compulsion, not cuz you really want to?? What if your spiritual feelings are fake?" It hurts a lot to feel that way. Years ago my OCD was causing me to do insane scrupulous rituals, and in the aftermath, my concept of OCD rituals and healthy, spiritually uplifting rituals got crossed. :/ Like, "Is that the Holy Ghost or are you just being mentally ill again?" There are other feelings that my brains doubts, but spiritual ones are the most distressing.

I have had an unhealthy obsession with my private instructor for French horn for about two years. I know that I don’t love him romantically but my thoughts will tell me that no one could ever love someone this much without it being romantic. I have never told him how I feel because that would be super weird and I know he does not like talking about personal stuff with his students. I am pretty sure he has an idea of how I feel but I am scared that he thinks that I have a crush on him. I think the biggest problem with this obsession is that everything he does, whether it is directed towards me or not, whether it is something big or insignificant, it affects my emotional well being even though I do not want it to. I hate that he has so much control over me. If he laughs at a joke that I am not a part of my brain tells me that he hates me and he does not find me funny and never will. If he talks to someone I know he hates then I want to protect him by telling that person to go away or else I will hurt them. If he says something and his tone is even slightly different from usual then I think he hates me and he is just lying to me when he compliments me to make me feel better because he pities me. If he cancels a lesson because of something he can not reschedule I assume he is coming up with an excuse to avoid me because I am a bad person and he does not want to be around someone like me. If I do not see him on a day I expect to see him on then I will totally fall apart and will obsess even more over him until I see him next. This has happened with other platonic relationships in the past, but they have never been this extreme or lasted more than a few months. Soon I will leave to go to college and I am afraid that if I do not get to stay on my schedule of seeing him Tuesdays and Wednesdays then I will attempt like I have before. It is just so draining and I wish I knew why my brain chose him and why I can not stop thinking these things.

So someone I know has just been through a major life event thats change then massively. They told me personally and I will never ever tell anyone their business if they don’t want anyone to know, that’s our secret. But we broke up and people have asked why, so I’ve never told them what happened in their personal life or what they went through or what the event was, I always said it was just their personal life they went through something and I will always understand why right now isn’t the time for us, but now I’m scared this is me starting rumours! I haven’t told them an event, I haven’t told them what’s happened, I’ve just said it’s their life and personal to them is all. It’s not my stuff to talk about, I can’t share someone’s secrets, that’s not right. But when people wanna know why we’ve broken up it was a mutual decision because they’ve been through a rough time! Is that right to say? Or wrong? Because I’m shouting at myself that’s it’s bad right now, it’s not starting rumours nobody knows expect my closest friends that it’s a personal something for him. No details, no need to share that, it’s not my business yk. But the reason is because he’s not ready, he’s changed, that’s it. I feel wrong for saying that now. Ugh my brain always shouts at me

Is it reassurance if I tell myself “if it happened the way you think it did then you would have remembered it without a doubt” the first part of my memory is real and when I first thought of it there was a feeling of shame attached. Now I’m been wondering if more happened or if i’m choosing to forget the horrible parts but I feel like if more happened then there would be shame attached to that too therefore i’d remember it.

So I’ve been dealing with this one thought for a while and I get ashamed that i had it for such a long time and it won't go away no matter how much i try. I've tried ignoring it, accepting it, letting it go, etc. Everytime I try to accept it my stomach tightens and I feel like throwing up. Does anyone have any advice?

Does ocd put these types of thoughts in your head about anyone that’s even remotely attractive… stuff like “they look good or would look good naked” and puts images there of them people like I don’t want to think this stuff it makes me feel actually disgusting. Especially when it’s saying it about people from my past I don’t want to think this stuff at all. I hate this illness. How am I meant to ignore these thoughts I feel horrible I love my boyfriend so much

Did anyone ever feel like bc he has OCD everyone decide that the feelings are because of that? And from the OCD? sometimes I feel like my thoughts are real and they connect them to OCD by mistake (my therapist too) even tho I’m trying to be very clear about how I feel

Anymore. Does it mean it’s not ocd? I’m just frustrated. Those thoughts are different from who I was, but I’m not feeling like myself anymore. Anyway it should pass, but it’s so so so hard. I feel like I survive everyday. 😭

Sometimes after I’ve done something „risky“ on my phone or something that makes me uncomfortable or leaves me insecure, I go on this app here to read/like/comment. This might be a compulsion.

I've been living with OCD for over a decade now. I've tried various methods, seen therapists for several years (and still am), started taking medication in the recent months, and turned to Christianity, hoping to harness the power of religion to aid myself. I've tried all sorts of approaches. What I want to say is that many times, I've felt these methods were helpful, especially since I began taking medication in the past few months. However, I still experience lapses every so often, like in the last four days where I've spent most of my days ruminating. I'm feeling quite down at the moment. Previously, during lapses, I would remind myself to look on the bright side and live in the moment, starting self-care right from the now. But having it continue for four days straight, I've really started to lose some of my confidence. I wonder why, despite doing so much, I still experience such severe lapses. And now, I find myself somewhat unwilling to come out of it. I hope you all can offer me some words of encouragement. Thank you!

My obsession is so obscure and specific and I’m sure no one else has it bc every time I Google it no one relates so it’s making me think that it’s not an obsession and I’ll never overcome it. I just wish I could go back in time when I didn’t have this obsession

I have intrusive urges and thoughts come into my head how do stop them ? Or accept them ? 🙏

So I've been doing a lot of introspection in order to FastTrack my recovery for OCD. I am now finally able to share to you guys what I came up with, and I know this is gonna help a lot of people on this forum if you take this seriously. Its called the AUL principle. To remember this better, think of someone from the American south pronouncing the word "All" Here's how it works by letter: Awareness: become totally aware of your intrusive thoughts. DO NOT try to hide the intrusive thoughts through compulsions and reassurance. This is obviously the hardest step because the thoughts are so vile, heartless, destructive that we just want to turn away and run from them. But don't, confront the fears. Uncertainty: live with the fact that you don't know what is going to happen to you. For example, if you worry that someone is gonna hurt you if you go to the store, think "maybe I will get hurt" "maybe I won't" live with the fact that we don't know what is going to happen to use every second of our lives. Lack of caring: after completing the first two examples, your brain should simmer down and you can live on with your life without obsessing. This will take a lot of practice and mental fortitude, as well as a support group of people who know not to ressassure you, which will bring back the OCD. I myself didn't want to change my behaviors because everyone in my life treated me like absolute garbage or was being way to reassuring. It was not until I was court ordered a therapist who wasn't either of those things I wanted to improve myself This is a better way of thinking about ERP at least in my mind. Hope this helps someone

I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel so hopeless, I’m having intrusive thoughts about my mom and children but it’s not what if it’s “you’re going to do such and such” I feel like my brain has taken over me. I don’t feel happy and I just sit around everyone and pretend like I’m okay when really I’m having horrible thoughts. Also I don’t feel like myself feels like someone else is controlling me. When I think of myself it’s like in 3rd person, for example when I look at my children my brain is like “those aren’t your kids those are Breanna’s kids” or when I talk to friends and family my brain says “those are Breanna’s friends and family” then It’s like I’m just not scared anymore but I want to be like I need to be scared to be normal if that makes sense. I feel like it just took over and I’m going to give in but it doesn’t scare me so now I think I’m just crazy or stuck like this. I feel numb and just out of it like I’m losing hope. Also I had a nightmare like in my dream I had intrusive harm thoughts like I can’t get a break even when I’m sleep or when I wake up. I haven’t really been able to eat because it makes me nauseous I just feel pointless ugh 🥺

I recently discovered that I have maladaptive daydreaming disorder which is common for people who have OCD. I was diagnosed with Pure OCD six years ago but I felt that there was something different about my condition. My compulsions were daydreams and fantasizing about changing past events. I would do this on a loop and this behavior could last for hours. Has anyone else discovered this about themselves?

Thoughts and feelings about a specific person I feel horrible. My old friend triggers me so much. But thoughts about him don't feel like my other triggers. It's like there's a likeable, pleasant feeling, but I don't want to feel like that. All I want is to feel bad about these thoughts. When this happens, I feel as if my feelings and thoughts are real, as if I actually really love someone else, as if it's okay to love someone else other than my partner, as if I agree with it and keep it a secret. I feel something like a false comfort. But why do I feel false comfort towards this person in particular? What if I love that person and I don't love my partner? Why do i feel these feelings and what does that mean? Does that mean i actually love that person but i deny it, but also i actually know thw truth but im hiding it? What if i want to be with that person? What if my thoughts and feelings are the truth? I don't want any of these to be true, i don't want to feel any romantical feeling towards to anyone other than my partner. I don't want to love anyone else other than my partner. I don't want to be loyal to anyone other than my partner. I don't want anyone else and i don't want these horrible unwanted thoughts and feelings. I don't want to feel a comfort or likeable feeling when the unfaithful thoughts I have about others comes this time about him. I don't want someone else to have a different place in my consciousness. When I think about that person, I don't want to have thoughts and feelings saying "There's no problem in loving him, in fact, you love him anyway, I don't mind that." I don't want thoughts and feelings that normalize the things I hate. Additionally, I am very afraid that God will take my partner away from me and give that person to me instead.

I've been shutting myself away lately because I'm so fu^king sick of this cycle of me turning into a g0ddamned baby and then hysterically crying for hours on end and having my family helplessly watch and not know how to help. Nobody knows how to help. I don't even know what I need. I want to give up and just stare at the wall until somebody can save me. If my brain isn't constantly distracted and numbed I'm spiraling. I switch minute to minute from being super depressed to hyper and talkative yet somehow I manage to hold it all inside. It's getting very hard to communicate/mask. Every night I feel fine. I feel scared and sad, but I feel the most normal at this time. When I wake up, it starts all over again. I wake up in panic attack mode and drag myself to work. I swear to god I can't help myself anymore. Nothing I do helps and it's too exhausting. I think I'm just gonna keep letting myself suffer because I'm so sick of trying to get help and then have it not help. I know this is just an episode but jesus christ it's so f^cking scary. I believe everything my brain tells me but I don't even know what it's telling me. All I know is there's this extreme PUSH to be flooded with extreme sadness and anxiety, and it's very REAL. I feel like I need to be locked up and studied. I truly feel alone in this condition because I genuinely believe there is no one in this world who has been having these symptoms the way I do. Four years of this, several mental health professionals, and I still don't have an answer. When will I be able to rest? Even reading this message makes me think "that's not me. where did I go?" There's not even a specific reason why i'm feeling so extremely horrible. It starts as a pure OCD attack about something and then before I know it I spend a week crying. Anyway I have work in the morning I don't know how I keep going and getting out of bed every day knowing that ending up like this is definitely a possibility. I really don't know how I'm still alive. Something is extremely wrong with me and no one seems to understand just how bad it is. What do I need to do in order to get someone to understand the severity of it all? I wish nothing but healing and peace and permanent remission for all of you tough souls ❤️

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭