My obsession is so obscure and specific and I’m sure no one else has it bc every time I Google it no one relates so it’s making me think that it’s not an obsession and I’ll never overcome it. I just wish I could go back in time when I didn’t have this obsession

Taking a walk down memory lane ❤️I used to stare at the knife blocks in my house because I was picturing myself committing suicide in vivid detail terrified I would do it. I was probably 7-9. I also had one about a stuffed penguin I had, where I’d imagine it lost and crying for me :,) that one still gets me even as an adult.

For the longest time, I struggled with feeling like everyone hates me, even my own friends. It’s exhausting. I pay attention to every shift in someone’s tone of voice and body language, and I will overcompensate or compulsively apologize to people for no reason. It creates a lot of frustration and even resentment because I try so hard to be perfect for everyone that I end up disappointing myself when I realize certain people just don’t like me, even though I’ve done nothing to them. It wasn’t until this afternoon when I was crying to my manager about my coworkers coming together to talk about me in a bad light, even though I’ve done absolutely nothing to them personally. I never thought for a second that this may have been my OCD at play. I wasn’t aware of it until today, and I never thought my OCD would be connected to this obsession.

Is there any point in trying anymore? There is no way to get the help I need, and even if I could, what if I learn it was never ocd in the first place? What do i do then? Everything feels so hopeless, all i want is to go bavk in time to before these thoughts started. This app is all I have to talk about how I feel. I always had OCD symptoms of varying themes as well as a terrible anxiety disorder that only worsened, but I could've never imagined I would feel like this. If a Hell exists, im certain I'm going there