Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Just met with a therapist on NOCD who was biased against pocd, they didn’t want to treat me. I’m so shaken and disturbed like I feel awful about myself now.

Im starting to have suspicions that im demisexual, its not OCD telling me i am its a genuine thing. Ive just noticed i have many traits of a demisexual person and maybe not being able to feel that attraction ive always expected to random ppl just passing me is the reason POCD has been so hard

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.

Can anyone who has dealt with pocd/harm ocd tell me if it ever gets better? I don’t even trust myself anymore and I’m so tired of it.

i was scrolling through instagram and an ad suddenly appeared to me. they were all female t**nagers soccer players. but what my eyes saw first were thighs and legs and the worst part is not like i simply recognised impersonally an attractive look, i automatically perceived attractiveness and se&uality of the thighs. why did it happen to me? I dont want it. I don't desire it. So why was i able to find the legs attractive? When I saw the faces I knew I wasnt attracted, but what about the legs? I feel utterly defeated. I'm disgusted and traumatised by the fact that i perceived those legs and thighs attractively. i'm starting to feel like a ****.

18+ Don’t view if under 18 People say ocd arousal isn’t actual arousal feeling but it’s groinal response but mine feels like actual arousal is this normal?

Why nobody is replying to me? You think what I posted is not serious?

I suffered many many weeks and months from specific thoughts about POCD. Now it's kinda little bit better.. but as soon as I see a child it hits me everytime like a shockwave, is this normal? Still get then so sad about what's going on in my body, like the unnaturally and strange feeling in the groinal area.. and specially when I lost focus on something, it comes everytime automatically back in my mind. I am week 6 of 200mg sertraline. Here reaching out for some sharing :(

Hi all, I have false memory ocd, harm ocd and pure ocd, I also suffer really badly from intrusive thoughts every single day. I was minding my nephew last weekend and I got an intrusive thought that I’m ashamed off, I’m now worried that I acted on that intrusive thought and just can’t remember, there’s also a false memory image in my head of me acting on the thought which I’m scared is actually a memory even though deep down I know I didn’t act on it. I’m worried though that the fact I even had this thought in the first place means I’m inherently a bad person who would act on these thoughts. My stomach is sick with the worry I may have acted on it and can’t Remember, anyone else ever have something like this? I start meds and therapy next week so hoping that helps

i’ve graduated and it just seems terrifying now because my pocd is flaring up again and i’m terrified of myself , i was planning to become a teacher but i just find disgust in even applying and I want to avoid children I have had these recent thing where i have intrusive thoughts and im scared to look at children because im scared i might look at their intimate areas and it’s killing me because i avoid looking at children or even have conversations with them because im scared of what my ocd does. Even when i try to conquer my fear of looking at children and just letting the fear sit, my OCD convinces me that i do look at them in a weird sexual way and I feel like ripping myself into shreds even saying that.

I'm doing ERP to beat my 3.5 long POCD with groinal responses. This implies walking near kids and trying to loosen up my hyperfixation on groinal responses (not caring about what I feel there). Obviously ERP is distressing. In fact, being scared is probably a good sign in this context, because it means I'm doing my exposures correctly. However, what's much more scary is that in all of these years of OCD there were countless times when I experienced actual muscle contractions/retractions in groinal area. And I can't tell if all of those were accidents. Sure, I don't want to do it (except if I'm relaxing muscles in order to avoid groinal sensations), but was it really an accident? And that's what is destroying me. I'm actively having those feelings near poor kids, even though I always believed myself to be a good person. Now there's no turning back. And I'm turning 18 in two weeks. How can I be enthusiastic about anything when I know that my OCD turned me into an actual monster. I want to continue ERP, but I can't imagine myself living on happily even if I somehow cure OCD

i saw a trigger in a instagram reel. i noticed the face immediately, i guess that's because she had a unique beautiful face and that's precisely what ticked me and made me alerted. and my brain started telling me that meant something, the cuteness and so on the potential danger that i felt, it seemed like a cue that something was there. and my brain started testing me with intrusive se&ual images. and im afraid that they weren't completely distasteful to my brain even though i didnt want it and i was freaking out. im afraid there might be of component of truth that makes something in my brain wrong. why did it feel like there was a potential "allure" in those intrusive images? why did it feel like i could like it? was it because the more taboo is something the more it feels "alluring" automatically? something in those se&ual intrusive images felt affine, akin, feasible to maybe my preferences? was it the association between intrusive pretty face + the intrusive image of a private area overlapping in meaning making me think that there could be some likeness? some potential attraction towards it? or is it really true and i have something in my brain that ive been in denial this whole time? maybe i'm a danger. im utterly worried abt this. why was i able to feel like there was some affinity towards those se&ual intrusive association-images? please if somebody knows, tell me, because until then i don't think i can rest in peace. and it's not a matter of uncertainty, this is something untolerable. i cant live like a guilty person and act like im innocent and that is all ocd. it feels perversed.

I was on yt and I saw this kid whom I thought was pretty, but then I got a weird thought, and I got worried, I started physically panicking and runnin around, telling myself it wasn’t really attraction, idk if I’m lying to myself or not, I tried using AI for reassurance, but it didn’t work, this is the first time I spiraled since like 2 months… I can’t stand it I’m scared… idk it feels like I’m lying to myself, idk if it was sexual attraction or not, I thought she was pretty idk if it means something, I keeep rewatching the video to test myself. Please help me please.

i’m a little worried everytime i think like sexual about my girlfriend my thoughts feel replaced by kids and it makes me think that im the thinking on purpose am i?

I needed to get out of bed. I got intrusive thoughts. Anxiety and ocd as soon as as i wake up. I scoooted out of bed. But intrusivr thought was of my friend and their kid then ocd ad sensiromotor ocd i worried about groinals and hip thrusts. As i scooted out of bed i think i felt a pause or hesitation but im not sure. I recall scooting off the bed but ocd hyperfocusing on my goos and groinals and hip thrusts thoughts. I anxiously reacted and said NO repeatedly as compulsions. Now im stuck trying tk figure lut did j slowly scoot off the bed and ocd was just hyperfocused on groinals? Did i involuntary hip thrust or was i checking as a compulsion so hip thrusted intentionally? Thrn ocd said was k intnetionally hip thrusting while scooting off and having intrusive thiughts and arousing over my friend and their kid but thats ego dystonic and causes me anxiety and discomfort and i kept saying NO. Was it just sensirimotr ocd. Was i hesitant and thats ehy i slowly scooted out of bed and OCD just fixates on groinals. Im stuck figuring out whyd my brain fixate on my hips and groins. Did i do anything intentionally to act on the intrusive thiughts? Why was i moving sloe kr did ocd interpret that way because of anxiety? Did i hip thrust or was it just natural movement of scooting out of bed and ocd just worrying false alarms and making me feel guilt and doubt to keep me ruminating. I know i wasnt arousing over my friend and their kid. As i scooted and had intrusivr thoughts and groinals i felt so uncomfortable and said NO repeatedly as a compulsion as i kept scooting out. Of course scooting causes a natural hip thrust motion tk scoot out and groinals occur and my anxious discomfort and cringe face and saying no was me trying tk endure it but ocd thougjts hyperfixate and make me confused snd doubt snd says “was i hip thrusting snd arousing iver intrusive thoughts? “ this is ego dystonic. And i already woke up in an anxiety soup mentally. And i think i was just hesistant and ocd hyperfixates with sensiromotor and i was just trying to get out of bed. I dont want thoughts if my friend and their kid. Indont want groinals. So why woukd i arouse over it thats not rational logical kr who i am. Short answer please advise

Okay... so im taking the NREMT-B exam next week in about 5 days... Im genuinely nervous... I want to succeed so badly but because my POCD says my worst fears have already, or will, come true, that I dont deserve this and it makes me feel guilty... I'm a horrible person... ive unintentionally hurt people... ive done genuinely horrible POCD-related things as a 13-14 year old that make me feel genuine guilt as an adult... and it should... why do i deserve to help people, when all Ive ever done is hurt people....? (Also, for context, my biggest fear is doing anything inappropriate with minors in any way... and whether or not it has already happened... thats my biggest fear...)

I’m worried it’s not because why did that happened? I was fantasizing about this marvel villain in a sexual way and then when I heard my brother breathe I got turn on more so now I feel like a p

So I was talking to myself in the living room right and then I hear my brother‘s iPad that his friend talking and I was like what the hell is that and I was like oh that’s his friend and then I crotch down and I try to like put in the password so I can turn it off and it’s like I don’t know if my face made a smile because I was like oh this is the opportunity to talk to his friendyou know and I’m just like I looked at myself in the mirror and I’m just like predator because it’s like why would I feel good about that about having the opportunity to talk to a kid?

Ill edit the post in... What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... im so triggered...

I’ve dealt with ocd themes for as long as I can remember, POCD, HOCD, false memory, the feelings of having to confess something, washing certain body parts a specific amount of times, all of it I am still pretty young and I just got into my first relationship. I always knew ROCD existed I just never had the chance to have an experience with it 😭 and here I am. I really do think I have an anxious attachment style. But it’s also like I constantly worry if I’m too much or if i should not be in a relationship or if I rlly love my partner like I tell him. I am sensitive and very communicative so when things bother me I like to communicate them but then I worry that I do too much or I worry that it isn’t normal to find this many things wrong so early in a relationship. I also worry if he doesn’t like me or if he Will get tired of me, but those thoughts are easier to get by. The hard thoughts r the ones where I doubt my feelings for him. My mind feels like a MESS! And it’s harder because we only see eachother once a week. This may be heaven compared to other ppl who struggle with real long distance but for me the time in between gives me a lot of time to nitpick things that aren’t even real problems and create a sense of a toxic relationship that isn’t even real! The only times where I feel like maybe it’s all in my head are when. I see him and the days after, but when it gets long it gets rlly hard. I rlly do love him and he gives me reassurance when needed but I can’t help but focus on the negatives when little things bother me, especially when we are apart from eachother and jsut texting. Texting is hard because then there is the obsession over waiting to see how long he will take, not knowing the tone of texts, and being able to over analyze every conversation we’ve had. I also do mental checks to help me reassure myself that I love him 😭 like when’s the last time he made me laugh, what are some nice things he’s done that I rlly liked, and jsut trying to actively acknowledge everything he’s done so I can stop panicking abt the fear that I don’t love him. It’s literally only been 2 months of us dating so the fact my ocd is so early onset annoys me so bad because I rlly do feel like I am still in the crucial stages of a relationship where we are learning how to love eachother, so there should be some ups and downs and minor arguments while we get over this phase… but I can’t help but wonder what if these little things just mean I hate him? It’s extreme but I worry and the reels and tik toks I see about people realizing they don’t love their partner make it all bad!