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i saw an instagram reel and i noticed a disturbing sight of a trigger with a noticeable bottom and the very moment i noticed and compulsively looked to check i felt a groinal response. what does this mean?

I have lived with OCD forever but I haven’t had a major flare up since I was like 8 years old… I feel like I will never be normal again. I’m a mom to two kids we just bought a house and I have my dream job and I just got a new car and I can’t SNAP out of it… I keep obsessing that I’m going to be stuck feeling like this forever. It originally started with “what if” I harm my kids because I snap and not it’s basically turned into I’ll never be or feel normal again and this is it. I will never be able to care for my kids alone again, and this is the new me. Can anyone relate? I want to take SSRI but I’m so scared I took it for 2 days and I had immense depression where I wanted to like run away from myself… Please help, I’m also spinning on the fact I need to go to an in patient facility to be normal and I feel so guilty since I have 2 kids, any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Not long ago when I was 14 almost 15, I felt attracted to this 12 year old. I even m@struvated to her… people said a 15 feeling attraction to a 12 is predatorial. Now I’m wondering if she was younger than that. Please help me. I don’t wanna be a p@do.

TW for content I just recently had to leave an online “friend group” of 4 years. I felt completely justified for it, but part of me mourns and even cries thinking about everything back. For years, we made characters, wrote stories, laughed over calls; I truly thought they were my friends. And they even cared for me. I saw their faces, they introduced me to their lives. It really felt like my own friend group. Then suddenly, my POCD and morality fears came up due to content one of them was posting. Now, this person posted a lot of suggestive stuff, which was fine with me since we’re all adults. But some thing I started questioning, for example furry material, but in the end, I thought it was just me. It was fiction, and they said they were completely against abuse, and never had any sort of immoral attraction. Yet, it started to get worse. I was losing sleep, I was crying, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was happening. I was so sure who I was talking to was a bad person. Every fear I had, they had an explanation, but I would just keep finding more. The day came where I couldn’t take it anymore, and invited them to a call, where I apologized. And they said, “That’s okay, I forgive you. I’ve been accused of being a pedophile multiple times.” That broke me. Excuse me? What do you MEAN multiple times? I questioned them on this, they said it happened “probably once every 3 months”, that “I don’t know why, I guess it’s because I’m a furry and I’m into things kids like?” Even THEN, I STILL felt like I wanted to believe them. It was accusations; what was I supposed to do about that? And furries did get a lot of hate. Yet, I still avoided them. The final straw was when I went through their art page favorites and found pictures of a character (basically a parody of slenderman that was specifically meant to be sexual) interacting with a child. That was it. I couldn’t justify it anymore. I gave the info to the other members. The results after? One blocked me. One said I was “schizo-obsessive”, and the one I accused wrote a letter on their art page saying they were hurt and hoped I got help, telling me “those pictures are from when I was 16 and being edgy, they’re old” I left. I told one of them I was leaving, and that I wouldn’t be back. I cried the whole night. I look back at characters I can’t use anymore, stories thrown in the garbage. The video game we bonded over is so hard to look at now because it reminds me of them. But, I feel justified. It had gone too far, in my opinion; I couldn’t have let that slide. Those pictures, the accusations, the constant question. And I’ll never know if I was right or wrong, but they were just that: people online. And I regret ever making a connection. It still hurts, and I wish I could just let it go. I don’t want to go back to them, I can’t. I can’t risk talking to bad people. But the hurt is still there.

Today I was walking my cat. (Yes, my cat lol. He loves exploring outside and I have a cat harness for him and I only explore near my apartment. I walk him instead of just releasing him bc ive had accidents with past pets that were run over. I never want that to happen again so i rather walk him and it helps him stay active and helps me too.) Anyway, where i live there are a lot of separate apartments (mini houses) but still are part of one section under one land lord. This neighbor was outside chilling talking on the phone, no dog in sight. He owns this dog that is the same size of a cat so i guess small but big enough where it can cause bad bite wounds to a cat. I was outside my apartment walking along the grass but also near that apartment since its a public space and i dont want to walk my cat near the main road since to many loud cars and itbwas just him on the phone, no dog seen. My cat likes sniffing the grass and walking past some apartments. There was no dog out so i assumed it was okay to walk AND ITS PUBLIC COMMON AREA THE DOG SHOULDNT BE OFF LEASH ANYHOW. My cat was smelling the grass and laid down then suddenly the neighbor's dog gets released outside (unleashed and ungated) and charges straight for my cat! I picked up my cat and ran at full speed away BUT THE DOG CHASED ME THE WHOLE WAY AND THE NEGLIGENT OWNER DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TILL HE SAW ME YELLING NO AT THEIR DOG WHILE HOLDING MY SCARED CAT! The neighbor turned away and let the dog CONTINUE TO BE UNLEASHED AND THE DOG KEPT CORNERING ME AND MY CAT it was so scary! I had to scare the dog off while my cat was tangled on his leash! I eventually was able to safely get away avoiding any bite wounds for my cat! That dog is NOT friendly! I live in a state where it's illegal to have your dogs out without leash unless you are in a fenced private property or a local dog park! The neighbor constantly does this! He takes his dog out to chill but that dog lunges at people! Stupid owner! In no way was my cat provoking this dog! He was sniffing the grass and laid down for a small nap! My cat is very friendly and I was so scared he was going to be hurt bc some idiot thinks it's fine for dogs to be unleashed! And what's worse i was with CHILDREN! My nieces were there with me walking my cat. We were all having fun peaceful walk that ended with us running straight home! IMAGINE IF THAT DOG ATTACKED MY CAT WHO WAS TANGLED AND FRIGHTENED AND IF IT GOT BLOODY??? MY NIECES AND I WOULDVE BEEN HORRIFIED!Horrible i feel so weak hours after. I remember being extremely angry and I told my mom about this and she took HIS side saying it was my fault for walking on a PUBLIC COMMON AREA THAT IS AVAILABLE FOR ALL. She says "i shouldve known better" BUT THE DOG WAS NOT OUT I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY??? THE OWNER STILL LET HIS DOG OUT UNLEASHED HOW IS THAT MY FAULT if your dog is unfriendly why off leash! Ugh and ocd kicked in and gave me harm thoughts which are making me worry like did I mean that? Did i want to? Did i have an urge to do that to my mom bc I was frusterated she takes other's sides always? I feel sad rn. I wanted to report this guy for negligence. He didnt care if his dog attacked my pet. He didnt care if I had children that dog could've bit. It doesn't matter that the dog was the size of a cat, it still scared my nieces and I! I was mostly afraid for my pet cat since I KNEW I'm bigger than the dog but my cat isnt! He could've seriously gotten hurt! And then who would pay for the vet bills??? I sure as hell know that negligent owner wouldn't! Such a frustrating situation. 🤦‍♀️

I had OCD earlier in life, but it came and gone. For the last 4.5 it's been one thing after another, though. Today I felt especially grossed out by my POCD and I feellike I'm losing last hope that I had. I hate to sound awfully dramatic, but I want to clarify things a little bit and ask for advice. So I've been taking antidepressants up until some point, had a break and then started taking them again. In the beginning of this month, I finally finished that second course. This time it lasted 1.5 years. It's important to note that for the last half year I was pretty proactive in finding solutions to my ocd, finding new methods and reading articles. It probably did help, but mostly in short-term. Today I felt like my symptoms (it's mainly groinal response) were scaringly prominent and it made me really depressed. Do I have to start all over? It never got good enough in the first place, so I'm not even sure if it's possible to cure. I admit I might've not been pushing myself enough to do the scariest possible things, but that doesn't mean I didn't do ERP. Now, to the venting part. I'm not sure if anything really helped: if I'm relaxed it's probably just a matter of good mood. I'm anxious when going outside. I feel like I don't deserve friends because of my "dirty" secret -- I feel incredibly ashamed for groinal sensations. There were times when I'm sure it wasn't a phantom feeling, but a real one I caused. But I can't undo anything, so it has to stay with me. My family really loves me, so of course killing myself was never an option. But I still hate myself. I'm too tired to keep on fighting with OCD and bearing the burden of those very shameful events is too hard. What do I do? Maybe I'm just not adapted to living without antidepressants, so I'm being too emotional and all I should do is continue doing ERP. But my point is that I'm too exhausted. Thank you for reading. I see many here have a similar problem, I hope you're staying strong. I'd love to help you all, but I'm afraid that right now I'm not suit for giving out good life advice

These treatments are not designed for OCD sufferers because they treat OCD like a logic disorder when OCD is very far from that. Hence why, many patients do not recover with these treatments. ⭐️ Talk therapy involves doing a lot of compulsions like rumination, reassurance-seeking, trying to figure out your thoughts, Etc. ⭐️ Similarly, standard ICBT also involves compulsions such as arguing with your thoughts. For example, if you have POCD, your therapist might say “you know you’re not p*do so just ignore the thoughts.” This is reassurance and can turn into another compulsion called thought-blocking. ‼️A reputable therapist here (Tracie Ibrahim) has told us in a support group that ICBT isn’t even evidence-based (even though people claim that it is) ⭐️ Beware of Instagram “coaches” who want your money and say they specialize in a very specific subtype of OCD (ex. relationship OCD). A good ERP therapist would know that all OCD subtypes are treated the same way so the subtype shouldn’t matter. An ERP therapist should be knowledgeable in all of them because all OCD is just OCD. One of the only things that may differ is the type of exposures you have to do. ⭐️ Also, I suggest you do not use drugs & alcohol as a crutch. You will struggle with your OCD without those, which can possibly lead to addictions. Those substances can even increase your OCD symptoms. ❤️ What I do recommend for OCD recovery: ERP therapy, behavioral activation, ACT, mindfulness, self-compassion, OCD community support, healthy distractions, bonding time with family and friends, and healthy lifestyle habits. These habits include healthy eating (try to stay away from processed foods), going out on nature walks, consistent sleep, and consistent exercise. Let me know in the comments below if you have any extra tips for what’s been helping you through your OCD journey👇

agh .. okay .. i’m so so embarrassed to post this, i’m literally crying .. but i need some help and advice. or maybe just a place to vent. i don’t know yet. so .. i was hanging out with three of my cousins today, and a few friends. one of my cousins was driving us around, and it was a pretty long drive, and we all just chatted, had fun, you know, normal teenager shit. but i couldn’t help but shift my focus onto certain things about my cousin driving — “wow, he’s going so fast, he’s so cool,” “i like the way his hands are gripping the wheel. wow his hands. hands hands hands” “his happy trail looks nice” (we went swimming) “i feel jealous of his girlfriend” and all sorts of things. i just feel. so awful. i don’t want these thoughts at all, and i feel just horrible. my ocd mixed with hypersexuality from trauma is just not helping at all, and i just want to get rid of these thoughts. i feel so disgusted with myself, and i’m scared that even though intrusive thoughts are normal, maybe mine are too far and i’m just “unfixable” or “broken.” any advice on what i could do? :( edit: i would like to add that we’re not even blood cousins, since we’re “related” through my step dad, which makes these thoughts worse and makes my head go, “oh, well, it’s okay!!” aghh. so frustrating :(

Okay so I have been struggling with pocd. And I have been getting better but now my ocd is telling me that I'm proving it right by slowly started to get better. For example, after so long of trying my hardest to avoid anything protaining to children I realized that I have to in order to get better. So I've been letting myself go out more and yk see children. The intrusive thoughts are still there though. Which is feeding into it trying to convince me that it's real. It feels like it does that anytime I'm a step closer to getting better. Does anyone have any advice on how to help it? I struggle with mental checks and responding. I know that I should let it pass but it's so difficult. The intrusive thoughts have been getting worse too. They pop up over the smallest things. It's all just jumping to insane conclusions and I'm so sick of it. I just want to be better.

Havent been on in a while but todays rough. Had a major ocd episode. Its literally ocd number one million different iteration In summary i saw teen boys had intrusive thoughts. Looked away. Moved my foot which had a groinal and the pcd hyperfixation of them being in my side view and the additional intrusive thoughts saying “the false attraction and groinal non concordance means i aroused over them” followed by intense gut wrenching guilt sick to my stomach is what ocd is making me ruminate and provlem solve and feel guilt and stuck and question y intention even thiugh i know my true self. Also i tried doing what others have said by responding “maybe, maybe not” and just agreeing with the thought to shut it up. I know i wasnt arousing over thr boys and wasnt checking tbem out and im not a pedophile and not attracted to teen boys or boys/men period. I know groinals are a natural occurence and ocd symptom . I just had this random intense ocd episode. I was standing at the store and seen two teenage kids. I had intrusive thought they were handsome but i dont think they were handsome. I looked away but still seen them in the corner of my eyes and i adjust my foot which caused a groinal. I looked at them and their mom twice i think then looked away but my ocd hyperfocused on them in my peripheal view and since i had a groinal ocd had followed up with another intrusivr thought saying this means i aroused over them and its pedophilic and then i felt a gut wrenching disgust and guilt. I dont want any of this. I know im not a pedophile. I know i wasnt checking them out or arousing myself. I just was looking at people like normal and had intrusivr thoughts and groinals. I looked away as a compulsion but since i still seen them in my peripheal and didnt completely block them out ocd says it means i wanted to see them and chrck tbem out and arouse myself. This is ego dystonic. Its causing me extreme distress and gut wrenching guilt. I dont even think theyre handsome and im not a pedophile. Ocd makes me feel guilty and doubt if i did something wrong. These intrusive thoughts and feelings are intense It all happened so fast i saw the boys. I had the ocd thoughts. I looked twice. I felt anxiety so looked away but still seen thrm in my sode view and ocd was hyperfocused screaming to me theyre there like a lion was next to me. I simply moved my foot which caused a groinal reaction. Then ocd followed with the intrusivr thought “you aroused yourself youre a pedo” etc and then the gut wrenching guilt and dosgust followed but i know its ego dystonic and not who i am and ocd thought number one million because ive had this before. A compulsion would be closing my eyes or looking away so they wouldnt even be in my peripheal and since i only partially looked away ocd said it means i was doing something inappropriate but i knoe thats not true I know i was already feeling anxious because of the large crowd. I know i was just looking in their general direction nothing wrong and had intrusivr thoughts. Then i looked away at a guy next to me to distract myself from these intrusive thoughts and from the boys. Plus me looking away to the guy and all i did was move my foot and that motion plus the anxiety caused a groinal. So OCD said “you aroused over the boys= POCD” and since i basiclaly did a semi compulsion semi erp i looked away to avoid the kids but still could see them in my peripheal view thats when ocd played on it and said i didnt fully avoid them so i mustve aroused over them but i know its all ego dystonic. A real pedophile wouldnt feel guilt or anxiety or discomfort or gut wrenching feelings and wouldnt avoid looking. Theyd look and enjoy it. I was extremelt uncomfortable and the groinal was uncomfortable. I dont even think the boys were good looking. Its the gut wrenching guilt symptom of ocd and the intrusive thougjts that make it feel real and keep stuck in the loop In summary i saw teen boys had intrusive thoughts. Looked away. Moved my foot which had a groinal and the pcd hyperfixation of them being in my side view and the additional intrusive thoughts saying “the false attraction and groinal non concordance means i aroused over them” followed by intense gut wrenching guilt sick to my stomach is what ocd is making me ruminate and provlem solve and feel guilt and stuck and question y intention even thiugh i know my true self. Also i tried doing what others have said by responding “maybe, maybe not” and just agreeing with the thought to shut it up. I know i wasnt arousing over thr boys and wasnt checking tbem out and im not a pedophile and not attracted to teen boys or boys/men period. I know groinals are a natural occurence and ocd symptom

Does it happen to you that when a person is specific in your ocd thoughts (my sister is my sister), that everything about her is a trigger for you when you see her? And the way he moves, talks, eyes, you suddenly sexualize everything, or is it just me? it really bothers me, because I constantly feel my groin, so I wonder if it's really OCD, or if it's something in me...

I suffer since 10 - 15 yrs from specific fears. It was years that my OCD constantly wanted to be checked if I have HIV or not. I had a lot of sex and I thought this is normal. But I ruminated in my backhead about and was testing like 5 - 10 times a year. After the test I felt everytime so relieved. In Corona I was addicted to porn and even I lost control and was watching pretty hard stuff. I was chatting with a girl and we fantasized about really disturbing things. I never wanna meet her and for me was sure it's just kinda onlinestuff. I was in a relationship 3 years now. And I lost fear of HIV. But then came Morality OCD, Real Event (this chat) and after some times POCD. This combination was knocking me out, I felt like the badest person on earth. I did everything wrong and searched for relief and reassurance. It put me to the point of suicidal. I never ever hurting somebody, but my brain was making me a monster. I had to quit the relationship because I just couldn't give her what she deserved. I was in a clinic for 3 months. And we tested medication with ERP (before I took escitalopram for years). Anafranil was working first, then too many side-effects. I tried even without meds, but was so depressed. Now on sertralin for 5 weeks, but only 2 weeks on therapeutic dose 200mg. And wow, now I really feel so confused in the brain. I feel like how big my OCD became. The specific thoughts are not anymore, BUT it sticks on EVERYTHING atm. It's delusional how it feels in the brain. I really hope so deep my brain makes finally a reset and I need to wait it out. I could live with OCD for a long time but the last 1-2 yrs it took absolutely everything. I remark that POCD doesn't stick anymore like before but my brain is now constructing a very bad future because of past mistakes (that I all discussed with family, friends for relief over and over and over again). So it's like my OCD is now Real Event (The sexchat) again. Anyone was on the same point in life?

17f That's it I'm a monster. Before yesterday I had classic textbook POCD. Avoided children like crazy, was scared to even look at them. But something randomly clicked in my head and I became a monster. I suddenly became numb to s*xual thoughts about children. No anxiety, no remorse, no "this is wrong" or "this is weird" feeling. Nothing. Just weird curiosity. I was able to imagine SAing a child. Even made a hypothetical plan on how I would do it. And still. No remorse. No nothing. Now it's the next day and I'm freaking out. I still feel kinda numb to the images and the morality itself but at the same time it scared me how OKAY I was with the thoughts even made a PLAN.

The subject of OCD matters to the sufferer because it feels like confirmation that they are fundamentally unlovable and unwanted—as if even existence itself doesn’t want them. They feel like an error, carrying a deep sense of guilt and shame, as if they were inherently wrong. They suffer from low self-esteem and a deep internalized shame, because long ago, they were fragmented and learned a pattern of fundamental distrust—especially self-distrust. But the real trouble doesn’t come from the content of the most vile or taboo thoughts. It comes from the fact that the sufferer lacks self-love. That’s why, when you begin to walk the road to recovery, you’re taught unconditional self-acceptance—because that’s what all sufferers of OCD have in common: if you aren’t 100% sure, if there isn’t absolute certainty, the doubt will continue to attack you and your core values. It will make you doubt everything—even your own aversion to the thoughts. You have to relearn how to trust yourself—not because you accept that you might become a murderer someday—but because you enter a deep state of acceptance about who you truly are. It’s not about becoming a monster at all. It’s about making peace with what lies at the root of the fear. Making peace with the guilt. With the shame. Making peace with yourself and the person you fear you might be. Because that fear is not rooted in reality. It’s not rooted in any true desire to act. It’s rooted in your identity—specifically, in what might threaten it. That’s what confirms the belief that you are fundamentally wrong. And OCD fuels that belief by using intrusive taboo thoughts to attack your very sense of self. But then I wonder: let’s say, for example, someone fears being or becoming a sexually dangerous person—how could that person practice unconditional self-acceptance? I would never accept myself if I were to harm anyone—the thought alone makes me want to cry. I know it’s not about whether or not someone acts on the thought. It’s about the core fear underneath it. So how do you accept yourself when the thoughts—and the feelings around them—feel so completely unacceptable ?

I can't get an answer

So I was sitting on a swivel chair and someone stood extremely close to me and I had a thought of what if I move the chair a bit towards their body and usually I move away from them quickly but this time I didn’t for some reason I felt the need to move the chair a tiny bit so I moved it an inch and right before I moved it I had a thought of, I never actually move the chair but the time I’m gonna do it and I was watching the arm of the chair to see if I could move it and I moved it a tiny bit and right before I did it felt like I wanted to it felt like I morphed into someone evil it felt like I was excited now my OCD is making me think I have a fucking paraphilia smh I can’t deal with this anymore

I feel like I did something bad now because I went to put the blanket on my brother and my hand was close to his back I had a thought before like “it’s time to touch him” and I stood up and he was on a call but he was sleeping so now I’m like why did I stood up? Was it to take the iPad or what exactly? I feel like a child molester I don’t remember touching his area or butt because I didn’t but I had my hand near his back I asked my brother if I did anything he said no I asked if I did anything when I put the blanket over him he said he was sleeping so that doesn’t reassure me So I almost acted on it?

Hi I’m new to the community and I have such weird ocd tendencies I was curious to see if anyone else has so I’m just going to list them in no specific order: 1. My brain goes “I hope” every time I think of something bad happening. Like “I hope that pedestrian gets hit by a car” or “I hope a demon snatches me under the bed right now.” 2. I have dermatillomania mostly on my arms, chest, face, and shoulders. If I have a bunch of open wounds on my body, I make myself feel “cleaner” by doing an everything shave in the shower. Conversely, if I’m having a period of mostly healed skin, I like to leave my body hair growing out for a couple days as a way to gloat to myself how “clean” I am even without shaving. 3. After my whole life living with these symptoms, most of them I’m able to brush off. But this next one still shakes me and disturbs me to my core every time it happens and it’s picturing sex acts with people I would NEVER want to do sex acts with. My earliest memory of this is when I was a little kid, as young as 5 years old, I had an image in mind of what I thought God looked like. Every time I would imagine God, I would automatically imagine him naked and I would shove my head under the pillow and shut my eyes tightly and try to make the image go away because I thought I was being blasphemous by imagining such a thing. 4. This one is relatively new, the past year or two, but cutting my own bangs. The only reason I consider it an ocd tendency and not just self sufficiency is because I SUCK at it and botch it every time!!! But I keep trying to find the perfect parting that contours to all the existing cowlicks and kinks in my hair and try to carve out my “natural bangs.” I convince myself a hairdresser is just not familiar enough with my hair growth patterns to give me what I want. This one is particularly embarrassing because it’s like I’m wearing my mental illness on my face. I have been wearing a headband for the past year to try and hide it but it doesn’t stop me from cutting it again because I am so insistent to get it right. I always regret it after. 5. I don’t know if this one is ocd but I suspect it might be and it’s that I rarely ever am not drinking water. If I finish a glass I’m filling up another one. Sometimes it will be a different beverage like coffee or matcha but I almost always am sipping compulsively on something. I use the bathroom about once every hour and 3-4 each night. That’s all I can think of for now but I wanted to share some atypical traits to see if anyone relates! This isn’t by any means all of my ocd tendencies unfortunately:/ just the ones I’ve never heard anyone else share before!

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

I live everyday constantly having questions such as “what if you want to sleep with your dog”, “what if you want to sleep with _____’s child” and “what if you want to sleep with your sister”? Im so sick of these intrusive thoughts, POCD is my main, and most troubling, subtype and I’m just so sick of it; i dont know what to do, I constantly feel like a pedophile and I’m exhausted. My problem lies in the fact that Im starting OCD recovery but a lot of my compulsions regarding these thoughts are avoidant or purely mental, and considering the theme these feel too massive to combat. What’s some advice for beginning to battle these intrusive thoughts?