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how exactly does it get better during ERP and sexual thoughts, if ERP gives me a strong arousal feeling and like I like imagining it? It seems to get worse every time I do it, and honestly I know how does it get better?
any advice for this? just trying to not seek reassurance. Anything helps!! Hard time moving on Ages 5-12 OK, so as a kid I did go through COCSA from different individuals (I donāt really know how many, I can remember one in good detail!), and also had a family member try to do something to me and also was gr0 om online. But anyways, I was a victim, but then I also did it to other kids. I would try to kiss, or ask them to do very grown-up things with me . I had very poor boundaries, was very pushy, and even sometimes manipulative and didnāt understand why they didnāt want to do it. I thought all friends were to do something sxual. Also fast-forward to middle school , where boys were very touchy with the girls including meā¦ and did not know boundaries at all, I was a girl who was like that to some of the boys, but I didnāt think of āim going to SAā, but it was poor boundaries and I was very touchy. Just acting grown like ugh why. Anyways, that being said, I am going to be in my 20ās, and nobody has brought anything to my attention, and I know asking people I think it couldāve happened with if I SA them is not the answer to this OCD episode, but I am honestly feeling bad, shameful, and guilty. Being a victim is one thing, I am just a little upset at myself for putting other people through that. Only thing I asked about this was back in 2021 There was one guy that told me how I was a little touchy sometimes, but thatās it nothing extreme. If you read this, thank you I just need a little help.
Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young š« I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.
I am 26, and l've had sexual OCD all my life without noticing. I thought the thoughts were my own and I explored them. Not I have finally found the answer to my hypersexuality, which is OCD. I was obsessed with one specific act and now I'm left with the memories of a crippling porn addiction. Please someone tell me I'm not alone that mistook OCD as own desires growing up. I simply didn't know any better. How can I stop beating myself up about it?
I donāt know if I have ocd or not and I wanted to ask people but I know I should go to a therapist and ask them. But itās gonna be like a week till that happens and Iām spiraling right now and I need reassurance from someone bc I canāt talk abt it to anyone in irl bc their gonna think Iām crazy and weird asf. So I get really bad thought of children and I want them to just stop like it physically makes me scared like I feel so scared and that Iām weird and Iām a p!do. Like for these past two days I feel like Iām going crazy I just want it to stop Iāve had for a year and a half. Like I felt like if I opened up abt it everyone would think Iām weird and every time I get these thoughts it makes just want pull my hair out and bang my head on a wall. Iāve researched this topic recently bc I honestly didnāt know whatās wrong with me. Bc before I did see a tik tok video abt pocd and I was like thatās what Iām feeling and I felt better but I still get thse thoughts everyday and Iāve tried to ignore it but itās still there haunting me. I feel every time I talk to people I feel like oh they know or what would they say if they knew what my thoughts were. Then yesterday I was researching the topic pocd bc I wanted to figure out wtf is wrong with me. So I related to all the video I saw and what they talked abt and I felt better. But then when I was trying to sleep I felt fear but I tried ignoring than fell asleep. Then I woke up around 5 am and I couldnāt go back to sleep. Cuz my thoughts and my body wouldnāt leave me alone. My thoughts were saying what āif ur faking it to justify ur thoughtsā or āu donāt have ocd ur just a p!do.ā Like my thoughts were saying u donāt have ocd ur crazy and weird. I couldnāt sit still and my heart beat was going so fast and I couldnāt still still. I felt so bad and currently I donāt feel that bad but I still have this feeling of anxiety and fear and I tried sleeping but I woke up again with anxiety and fear. So now Iām awake writing this and I just need help I want to get better I want these thoughts,feeling inside me. And if I go into the details of my thoughts it makes me so scared.
Hey all. Iāve been on NOCD for maybe two months, or three? and Iām still struggling. My episode of āOCDā started at the end of September last year, and ever since itās been hell. The first month was what I can only describe as torture. I was crying every day, vomiting from anxiety, and the moment I woke up I was seized by panic in my chest and fear of the day to come.My favorite part of the day was nighttime because I knew I could go to sleep and have the briefest respite from the constant stream of intrusive thoughts. The very first thought I had was one of POCD, and it terrorized me for days on end before I finally told my mom and boyfriend out of feeling the need that if they knew and knew how scared I was, they would be able to help me and stop me from doing anything. It felt good to know that they were still there for me despite what I was thinking, but that relief didnāt last very long. Soon nothing they could say was enough to calm me down, and I was put on 50 mg of sertraline. I barely ate and found that one of the few things that brought me comfort was researching my symptoms online. I came across OCD and then NOCD, and to this day am fairly convinced I have āpureā OCD. The three psychologists Iāve visited say, though, that Iām not showing any compulsions like magical thinking or counting, and that then itās not OCD and Iām suffering from a severe depressive/ anxious episode. Iām struggling a lot with this because itās almost as if I need to have OCD, because then that means I have a condition thatās been studied and that I can be helped. Then I feel as if Iām trying to manipulate my psychologists into diagnosing me with it. My current psychologist recognizes that Iām dealing with obsessive thoughts, but since I havenāt told her about any conducts she believes that my intrusive thoughts are a result of depression or some trauma that I havenāt fully processed yet. Iāve lived through some stuff, but I struggle to understand exactly which one of them was so bad and harmful to me that itās destroyed me like this. Iāve always kind of moved on from things and thought that Iāve healed from them, because nothing has ever hurt me like this. As such Iām feeling extremely hopeless because no matter which name is tied to my condition, I get the idea that Iām going to continue thinking about it every day for the rest of my life because Iāll never forget I thought of such horrible things. That makes me feel like I donāt want to live anymore. Donāt get me wrong, I donāt want to kill myself, I desperately want to live and be happy again and accomplish all my goals. But the idea of dragging this with me for days upon days upon days is so tiring, that I wish my conscience could just cease to exist. Iāve thought of hurting myself just to show everyone how bad Iām hurting, and how desperate I am. That would bring no good and I can only imagine how that could hurt my parents. So Iām living each day and holding on. Sometimes it gets better, and sometimes it gets worse. Today is the latter and I just felt like I needed to vent. Thank you if you read up to here. I wish you all the best :)
i don't think i ever felt this bad before. ive had ocd since i was 14 or so, almost a decade, but now it's truly the worst it's ever been. i can't even enjoy being with the love of my life anymore, everything about our intimacy triggers me, im costantly afraid that i abused her in some way and that she doesn't remember because she's in denial, or im always terrified im having some horrible intentions towards her and that i always end up forgetting them. it's so deeply confusing, she seems so happy being with me she says she loves me so much and i can see it in how she looks at me, but i feel like a monster. most of the time i wish she could find someone better, if she asked me j would break up with her and do anything in my power to make her have the life she deserves. i don't know what to do anymore im exhausted. therapy is not helping at all, i Just get told constantly that i shouldnt think about these things, that its illogical, and it does nothing for me.
(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.
Does anyone else struggle with this? It's been the main thing powering my POCD, and it's only been getting worse. Especially when I see posts online of people sharing their personal stories relating to CSA, specifically grooming. It's so triggering now, but before this theme developed, the most I'd feel while reading posts like that would be disgust targeted towards people who did those things. Now, my first thought is, "What if I do something like that one day? What if I've done it before and I don't remember or didn't know I was doing it?" I have many, many different intrusive thoughts or worries related to this theme, but it all circles back to this specific fear that I'll become like the people who hurt and took advantage of me. Does anyone have advice for this? I'm not sure if I've asked a similar question in the past or not, but is this something I need to deal with separately before beginning ERP for OCD? I'm just curious and also lost on where to begin with all of this. I'm just glad I'm able to begin working through all of these issues now, rather than later in life when I'd probably have a lot more responsibilities. Anyways, any feedback is appreciated! š¤
a few minutes before as soon as i woke up i had an urgent scary thought that i resonated with: "trigggers are inherently attractive on their own regardless of the fact that you perceive them as such or not" and as a proof my mind brought back a memory of me when i saw a bottom and was staring it without knowing that it belonged probably to a trigger, (but that doesnt prove the thought because as soon as I realised the possibility that it belonged to a trigger i felt urgency and worry and an immense spike of distress) and it hit me immediately, as if it was true, like i believed it and a part of me agreed with that thought. and that thought was automatically accompanied by this image of a like some inappropriate area like legs or something like that that was meant to be perceived attractive or sensual inherently (maybe because it was on purpose?), and I feel like i perceived it as attractive even though i dont want that now, but im afraid because it felt like in that split moment i saw that body part and felt like it was attractive and perceived it as such egosyntonically in relation to that thought beforehand... and after that i felt a lot distress and i was bothered by the fact that all of this happened, the reason im writing this. obviously i dont want that to be true, i don't know, i know rationally that im not attracted, but im proved counterwise by the fact that in that moment when i woke up i believed that thought and felt like it was agreeable plus that automatic accompanied image of something inappropriate belonging to a trigger being perceived as attractive... that's what worries me most, i cant explain it, i don't even remember what i exactly imagined but it disturbs me that i perceived that image and produced the inappropriate aura of it. it messes me up. mind you i just had woke up and my perception of reality was skewed, and my awareness of things was all over the places, i dont know if that matters. it was a short train of thought... i dont know if the image itself was just ocd, but it bothers me a lot, the fact itself that i perceived egosyntonically or egodystonically an inappropriate area as attractive in order to accomodate and representate that thought.
So, back when i was 18, i got involved in an online art/rpg community through instagram. We would make characters, draw them, join group chats and talk about our characters interacting with each other- if was chaotic, but fun, and i got hooked. Eventually, as the group kept growing, people started making different discord servers, each surrounding different stories with over-arching plots, and everybody would develop their characters and have them interact. Imagine a mix between DnD and a collaborative novel. I started dealing with severe OCD when i was about 19, in the depths of quarantine, and these servers became an escape for me. There was one in particular that was very involved lore-wise, and i was very deeply invested in because one of my characters had a romantic arc with one of the server hosts characters. It wasnāt until i started dealing with POCD when i began to have issues with the server. The issues begin with the fact that the age range of people on the server was very wide, ranging from high school to college aged. I believe the youngest person in the server was about 13, but i didnāt interact with her much. I was homeschooled and i have younger siblings, so iāve never had a problem with having younger friends- growing up, i had a best friend who was 2 years older than me, and through high school until just recently, my best friend was 2 years younger. That friend was actually in this art community as well, i got her involved during quarantine. The point being, i never even considered that having younger friends might come off as creepy. There were definitely inappropriate jokes being made in the server, but i tended to roll my eyes and brush them off. As far as i recall, i never made any myself- i didnāt even dare to start swearing until i was 21, iāve always been a bit of a rule-follower- but my best friend did make suggestive jokes on occasion, and i would laugh, and now i worry that i goaded her on. There was one specific occasion where the two of us, along with a few other people- i donāt remember all of them, but one was my age, 19, and another would have been about 16 at the time- ended up in a separate discord chat, and they were all cracking jokes about creepy discord mods, calling each other ākittenā and being generally icky for the shock factor. I remember being very uncomfortable at the jokes being made, and i believe i even said so, but in a lighthearted āomg stopā way, when i should have just left. There were a few similar instances where people got a little too comfortable, and i just put up with it and laughed along instead of leaving, which i very much regret. The community eventually started to fall apart. Drama between members was the main reason- the server owner called another adult member out, saying some of her characters had ships with characters belonging to minors that were too explicit. This whole thing was shocking to me. i talked to both of them, considered them both my friends, and didnāt know what to believe. Looking back now, i very much think they were both in the wrong- the server had a āNSFWā art channel that you needed a special role to access, but the owner had set the age requirement to 17 instead of 18 because a younger member whom she was close with had asked her to. I believe i was told this secondhand by my best friend, who always knew more drama than me, and i had marked it as strange, but shrugged it off because it wasnāt my friendship, and i wasnāt in charge. I also have a tendency to trust the judgement of literally anyone else over myself, so if i did have any doubts, i would have brushed it off as my overthinking things. The server died eventually- the owner disappeared, so the plot couldnāt progress further, and iām pretty sure there was a lot more drama going on that i wasnāt privy to, which is fine by me. I was in therapy while a lot of this was going down, so i told my therapist a lot of it- at the time one of my main concern was another adult member about my age who had gotten too comfortable making sexual jokes with one of the high schoolers, and i did eventually message him and ask him to be more mindful- he did agree that he had been out of line and promised to be more careful in the future. Itās been about 3 years now since i left the community- i still keep in contact with a couple people, but iāve parted ways with the majority. However, iām still absolutely wracked with guilt over the entire thing- i was friends with some of the minors, too. There was one friend, 3 years younger than me, whose character was going to have a romantic arc with one of mine at one point. I remember warning them that my character was asexual as a way of warding off any weirdness, and i think they might have made some joke back about their character ānot having time for that anywayā though i canāt clearly recall. They also really liked one of my other characters at one point, and would make flirty comments about them- i canāt remember what i said in response, probably some form of ātheyāre flatteredā. I worry so much that i might have encouraged it, and that makes me predatory. Most of my guilt comes from the fear that iām guilty by association, that being there at all makes me a creep, that i should have said something sooner or just left. Another part of me doesnāt even fully believe that the server owner or the other girl she was fighting with were bad people- i was friends with them, we were in the same online spaces for years! Itās so stupid, but i genuinely compared my own behavior to theirs, used them as a measuring stick to make sure i wasnāt doing anything wrong when my OCD started raising alarm bells. To this day, i still canāt tell if iām blowing things out of proportion. I know i need to be in therapy again- this has been weighing on me so heavily recently, making me feel nauseous and doomed for literal days at a time- but i could really use some outside perspective. That RPG used to be such a comforting form of escapism to me, but now just remembering it makes me feel vile.
I believe I am the first person to ever act on intrusive thoughts. Someone was handing me something and at first I was repeating to myself I was just reaching for the object but right when I grabbed it I stopped repeating it to myself and I imagined it to be something else. I think I unlocked this evil side of me and maybe somehow, I thought the object was genitals and tried to touch it or something. Idk. Which doesnāt really make a whole lot of sense, but Iām not that smart so letās say Iām this psycho and maybe thatās what I thought I was doing. Or just by thinking about possibly doing the action I tricked myself into thinking thatās what was happening. I have no desire to do that though but maybe I did it randomly? Which also doesnāt make sense but thatās my theory right now. Obviously I just took the object and thatās it but I probably had evil intentions and was unsuccessful in my attempt to do something horrible. I know Iāve posted about this before but Iām paralyzed with shame. Iām diagnosed with OCD but I must have snapped. So Iāve accepted that Iām a monster and that I donāt deserve to live anymore
I feel like one of the worst things about ocd are the disturbing images or the ālittle moviesā that replay in your head over and over again. I have the worst sexual images with one of my family members that actually so bad that I canāt even look in the mirror. And itās even worse that I have a lovely boyfriend and Iām so disgusted of myself that I feel like I donāt deserve him and I feel like I canāt be with him because of these thoughts, even he is the most precious thing in my life. These sexual images are so horrible and what makes it even worse that in these pictures I always see myself as someone who enjoys it. I know how to deal with this anymore. My mind is trying to convince me that that I actually like these images and thoughts and this is the hardest part, that Iām doubting myself. These images pop up in my head so naturally that I always question myself if I actually donāt like it why it comes so naturally or how can my brain picture things like this if I donāt like it. Itās getting worse day by day. Itās in my head 24/7, canāt concentrate on anything else, I canāt eat because Iām constantly throwing up. And my mom has to sleep with me every night because Iām so disturbed by my own mind. My parents know that thereās something wrong with me, they think Iām depressed but sadly Itās not something I can talk openly about with them. Iām seeing a therapist next week but Iām genuinely scared to open up about these thoughts that Iām having.
I was sitting next to my daughter. Idk what happened it was like I twitched and my arm went toward her. But then i stopped middair. I dont recall the details but ocd says i was doing something inappropriate or touching inappropriate. Thats not who i am. It could have been an involuntary action or i extended my arm and than got anxious so brought it back but i tried ignoring it and had false memory now
I spiral so much its usually 1. Those mistakes aren't from someone who is not a p 2. But am I really attracted to children? 3. I might be.. but if I don't think about my mistakes then I wouldn't think if I'm attracted to children 4. Well then I'm not a p*do And repeat I'm scared if I'm not changed person now. It's pretty clear that I didn't found I was one? The scariest thing is that I still made questionable mistakes when I got pocd. This makes me worry if they weren't mistakes but genuine actions coming from being a p then it makes me worry because they're usually permanent Basically when I was immature I sometimes used to look up drawn NSFW involving minor characters and m*stur*aited to it. And when I dropped out and few years passed I thought I just want to talk with people that aren't adults(usually teachers. I wanted to talk with same aged people) and I'm lacking of social skills I know I won't do this anymore. I behaved sexually to groups of younger people to get their attention There's even more, like I used to play some game as 14(15?) and there's 9 year old character then when the character gets hit it would sound like moan and I somehow got surprised? And enjoyed? And I got some f*tish then I remembered childhood talk I had(it was some sort of sexual talk and about sexual action) and did that action from talk I had to fulfill f*tish I wasn't doing it for it being childhood talk.. but still scary. I somehow assume that I'm not attracted to children sexually. But it's odd if I'm not too as I explained those mistakes. I'm very clearly sure that there's more. This isn't pocd doubt. I'm sure there's more. I'm exhausted on trying to get help and think about figuring out if I'm p It almost sounds useless to do this since I sounds like one. I'm confused if I am since I'm confused if I'm attracted but there's past mistakes that sounds like I am then I assume if I'm holding myself to stop being a p or I was in better unrealistic case Of course I do not have sexual urge towards children currently but... what is going on I'm trying to stop thinking about mistakes to figure out clearly but it's hard. It felt like genuine actions back then.. so I'm not only offending one. Then I think if I'm attracted to children. Somehow I can't understand attraction towards children but I feel like I do.. I'm trying to not test myself Without past mistakes I wouldn't really think that I'm p*do maybe but I know that's not how it works so it's all confusing And when I got pocd then pocd got calmed down I've eventually found some hentai that have same features to the talk I had with groomer (was a talk about fictional character I created) it was even after I got pocd and then as I felt better and less anxious about pocd topic I Read that. I thought pocd will go away real fast. I think I was thought I decided to read it for PRIZE for feeling better now I feel so horrible. What even I was thinking. I don't want to live anymore. I wouldn't like to read them again. I just feel confused and bad I think I was 17. I don't know what is this called but it's like I can't exactly figure out when did things happened and when was when.. the odd thing is that I think I'm p*do for this and other disgusting mistakes but before pocd I haven't worried if I'm attracted to children (especially real ones. Never been my thing but I consumed drawn nsfw so...)
I spiral so much its usually 1. Those mistakes aren't from someone who is not a p 2. But am I really attracted to children? 3. I might be.. but if I don't think about my mistakes then I wouldn't think if I'm attracted to children 4. Well then I'm not a p*do And repeat I'm scared if I'm not changed person now. It's pretty clear that I didn't found I was one? The scariest thing is that I still made questionable mistakes when I got pocd. This makes me worry if they weren't mistakes but genuine actions coming from being a p then it makes me worry because they're usually permanent Basically when I was immature I sometimes used to look up drawn NSFW involving minor characters and m*stur*aited to it. And when I dropped out and few years passed I thought I just want to talk with people that aren't adults(usually teachers. I wanted to talk with same aged people) and I'm lacking of social skills I know I won't do this anymore. I behaved sexually to groups of younger people to get their attention There's even more, like I used to play some game as 14(15?) and there's 9 year old character then when the character gets hit it would sound like moan and I somehow got surprised? And enjoyed? And I got some f*tish then I remembered childhood talk I had(it was some sort of sexual talk and about sexual action) and did that action from talk I had to fulfill f*tish I wasn't doing it for it being childhood talk.. but still scary. I somehow assume that I'm not attracted to children sexually. But it's odd if I'm not too as I explained those mistakes. I'm very clearly sure that there's more. This isn't pocd doubt. I'm sure there's more. I'm exhausted on trying to get help and think about figuring out if I'm p It almost sounds useless to do this since I sounds like one. I'm confused if I am since I'm confused if I'm attracted but there's past mistakes that sounds like I am then I assume if I'm holding myself to stop being a p or I was in better unrealistic case Of course I do not have sexual urge towards children currently but... what is going on I'm trying to stop thinking about mistakes to figure out clearly but it's hard. It felt like genuine actions back then.. so I'm not only offending one. Then I think if I'm attracted to children. Somehow I can't understand attraction towards children but I feel like I do.. I'm trying to not test myself Without past mistakes I wouldn't really think that I'm p*do maybe but I know that's not how it works so it's all confusing And when I got pocd then pocd got calmed down I've eventually found some hentai that have same features to the talk I had with groomer (was a talk about fictional character I created) it was even after I got pocd and then as I felt better and less anxious about pocd topic I Read that. I thought pocd will go away real fast. I think I was thought I decided to read it for PRIZE for feeling better now I feel so horrible. What even I was thinking. I don't want to live anymore. I wouldn't like to read them again. I just feel confused and bad I think I was 17. I don't know what is this called but it's like I can't exactly figure out when did things happened and when was when.. the odd thing is that I think I'm p*do for this and other disgusting mistakes but before pocd I haven't worried if I'm attracted to children (especially real ones. Never been my thing but I consumed drawn nsfw so...)
Please read this. Iāve had ocd pretty much a lot of my life but never knew what it was until my senior year of highschool. Iām 21 with 2 kids and i believe iāve had pocd a little bit before my daughter was born (which was 8 months ago). It made me start looking at all kids differently and i hate it. But it really started triggering me about 3 months ago. Iāve been thinking if iād intentionally touched or harmed my kids the wrong way, or any kids for that matter. This started giving me false memories (or at least hope they are). Iāve been having panic attacks, yelling at myself, punching walls, praying, and even thoughts of ending my own life. I grew up in a severe toxic household throughout my childhood and teenage life. Iāve never wished that on my kids since i became a dad. I wanna give them the life i never got. I look back my photos of my children and i feel like iām a complete fraud of a dad. I cannot look at my kids or be around them a lot of times. I canāt hold my daughter right. I canāt change their diaper when they need it. Even my son came and was hugging on me the other night while i was watching tv and i acted like a stranger to him. I can very little do this stuff sometimes because itās either i get relief or i push my thoughts as far back as i can. I get scared if i did something to not just my kids, but any other kids in the past. I have such a a great life and such a beautiful family. It was hard and stressful at first being young with a family but i couldnāt be more thankful at all for them. Iām just so lost and stressed right now that i just donāt know what to do anymore
Ive just found out the girl i have a crush on has a girlfriend that she is currently dating. Of course i will support them together and i can continue to be friends with the girl i like, but honestly... im heartbroken... and the fact that my OCD will always make me think I unknowingly explicitly cybered with a minor... and i cant get any sort of reassurance about it... im in a state of hopelessness that will never recover anytime soon... Im done trying to hope. Im done trying to convince myself that anything can be done to make me happy... if people want to call me an incel for feeling this way... think that im a creep... they can... im so hopeless and alone... and no one cares about me... no one...
So, I'm going to share one of my most triggering memory or experience of mine. What I did was, I was reading a sensual story/experience of man on reddit in which he shared his experience that how he got physical with his own teacher when he was 13-14. I then became arosued by reading it and then pleasured myself by putting myself in that scenario. I made such kind of fantasies in which I'm getting physical with my students, sometimes they're over 15 and sometimes over 18 and so and it has happened a lot of times. Now, such things triggers me because I'm going to be a teacher soon (I'm 21), and when I remember about this, I feel disgusted by myself. I feel guilt and this also triggers my POCD sometimes that once I pleasured myself thinking of a 13-14 boy. This makes me feel very disgusted and anxious that how can become a teacher because whatever I did was so ridiculous. I feel like a horrible person. Please someone help me. Am I actually a very horrible person?
Hey, this is my first time on here so Iām sorry if the story is long. I will try my hardest to make this short and sweet. About a year and some change ago, I matched with a girl on Tinder and we agreed to an FWB type relationship, but it did not last long because she decided to get back with her ex. Matter of fact, we only ever hung out twice in person, both times having or doing something sexual. Normally, I would not do anything like this, but this was at a time where I felt and still do feel like I donāt deserve a relationship or a girlfriend. Very negative way of thinking that Iām trying to work through therapy, but it was the way I was thinking and felt like I only deserved āmeaningless sexā and I was lonely. During those times, we shared a lot of things that happened to us in our lives and we even shared that we were both Christian as well. Iām not sure it was one sided on my part, but it felt like we became good friends. When she told me that she was going to get back with her ex, I understood and respected her decision. Part of me did want to ask why, and almost tell her not to do it, but that was not my place and I did not wanna come off like I was āsaving her for myself.ā so I completely removed me from that and just wished her the best and we both kind of agreed that we wished we never hooked up because we really liked each other as friends. This is the part that concerns me and also makes me shocked with myself. The first time we met up, it was at her apartment, which was literally down the street from my grandmotherās house. The second time we hung out, it was at a house. She was dog sitting, and that house was in my neighborhood that mom, dad, brother and sister and myself lived in. At this time, I did not live at home due to a new job, but I did live in the same county meaning that I can visit family if I wanted to. So that meant every time I visited home, I knew I could drive around to the house she said, and every time I went to visit my grandmother, I would pass her apartment complex. This information coupled with the fact I kind of missed her, led to me, wanting to check on her. Before I continue, I did not try to infiltrate her home or steal things or literally anything to cause her harm, as I had no intention of doing anything to her. It was simply driving past her apartment and the house she dog sat at. The best way I can describe it was if I was in town either to visit my parents or just was in town and impulse strike for me to drive by, I would try to ignore and or fight this feeling because at the end of the day, I did not want to do it, but I would end up doing it. This was not an every day thing. Matter of fact, it really only happened when I was visiting family. The best way I can describe my thought process was I just wanted to see if she was okay, while also slightly hoping that she would be single again but I realized it was weird. Mind you the times I would do this, I would be very uncomfortable. Anyway, I bring this up because I started being scared of being a stalker or having stalker like tendencies. Iāve recently discovered I had pure OCD and I have themes such as POCD, HOCD, ZOCD, false attractions, unwanted thoughts, images, things like that. But I also do struggle with ruminating in my past and ruminating about a lot of the mistakes Iāve made often wondering why did I do it and why wasnāt I stronger. So every time I try to remain in the present, I remember something from my past that freaks me out again and now Iām in the cycle. This is one of those things that worries me a lot to where I feel like Iām in a constant state of awareness often feeling restless. I told my therapist about this and he doesnāt think this makes me a stalker, but heās also slightly glad that it scares me and I think thatās because if I wasnāt scared, he would be much more concerned about it. Yeah, I donāt know if that was OCD or not and I really came on here because thereās a girl named Tia Wilson, who I saw on Instagram, who apparently broke into a house because of their OCD. I can explain why I feel or hope it was OCD but I donāt wanna make this post longer than it is so Iāll just explain in the comments
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OCD doesn't have to
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