COCSA advice. Repost

any advice for this? just trying to not seek reassurance. Anything helps!! Hard time moving on Ages 5-12 OK, so as a kid I did go through COCSA from different individuals (I don’t really know how many, I can remember one in good detail!), and also had a family member try to do something to me and also was gr0 om online. But anyways, I was a victim, but then I also did it to other kids. I would try to kiss, or ask them to do very grown-up things with me . I had very poor boundaries, was very pushy, and even sometimes manipulative and didn’t understand why they didn’t want to do it. I thought all friends were to do something sxual. Also fast-forward to middle school , where boys were very touchy with the girls including me… and did not know boundaries at all, I was a girl who was like that to some of the boys, but I didn’t think of “im going to SA”, but it was poor boundaries and I was very touchy. Just acting grown like ugh why. Anyways, that being said, I am going to be in my 20’s, and nobody has brought anything to my attention, and I know asking people I think it could’ve happened with if I SA them is not the answer to this OCD episode, but I am honestly feeling bad, shameful, and guilty. Being a victim is one thing, I am just a little upset at myself for putting other people through that. Only thing I asked about this was back in 2021 There was one guy that told me how I was a little touchy sometimes, but that’s it nothing extreme. If you read this, thank you I just need a little help.

Real Events OCD

nae nae

Date posted: 27w

It'll take time, but you'll have to learn to move on from this one way or another, whether it's something you did or didn't do. I've had to come to terms with the exact same thing, so I'm sorry you're struggling with this, too. The important thing is that you're able to recognize these past mistakes and try to improve. You're not that person anymore, and you were also a child who didn't have a full understanding of what they were doing. If you ever need to talk, I'm here! :)

dee012

Date posted: 27w

@nae nae Thank you so much nae!! It is very hard to move on from, as I do not know how they feel about it , you know? I don’t know if they don’t care about it, maybe thought I was being a little touchy, or full on felt assaulted. And I can’t even go ask because that is compulsion and I feel like me asking and going to all these different people would just make someone uncomfortable. I am not that person anymore you are right, I just feel bad, and also what it says about me. Which also makes me worry if I am narcissistic or something and only care if other people find out my past, but anyone would worry if people would “find out” their mistakes , and besides that I feel a lot of guilt and shame for everything, big or small. I guess I just have to move on, a big fear of mine is something of my past being unredeemable and I can’t come back from it. As I mentioned my fears and how certain things in my head are unforgivable like certain crimes. I don’t know. A part of me feels like I’m beating myself up too much. And as im typing this ocd is like “what if you did something much worse like actually unforgivable but you forgot👀👀” like omg please. Please. Really😂😂😂😂 Anyways sorry for the vent. I appreciate your comments always and it’s nice (obviously still struggle for both of us) to know someone relates and has exact same experience. Wish you the best always

nae nae

Date posted: 27w

@dee012 100% understand and relate. It happened with a family member for me, and I had the privilege to speak with them about it, but even after they reassured me, I didn't do anything wrong, harm them, etc... it didn't satisfy my OCD, and for a month or so, I'd bounce between family members confessing and seeking reassurance. Even my psychiatrist reassured me I hadn't done anything horrible, but I just couldn't accept that. On the other hand, I couldn't accept having done something horrible either. That's when I realized that I wouldn't find an answer that'd satisfy it. It's okay to feel bad, but like I said, we were younger, and we've grown. We can't let our past hold us back. You're deserving of great things, but I really do understand how you're feeling. It's not easy to deal with, and it'll take time to heal, but I think we'll be able to get there! Also, don't apologize for the vent! It's perfectly okay, and it's honestly comforting (in a strange sense) to know that I'm not alone in this either, although I wish neither of us had to go through these things.

dee012

Date posted: 27w

@nae nae Thank you. My ocd is telling me mine is more “severe” because i actually did stuff like push boundaries and made mistakes, probably made some people uncomfortable. But that’s just OCD, like the feeling of feeling like my case is “worse”. But thank you so much for your advice and support. I just need to not beat myself up as much, that’s not saying to not take accountability but this is inappropriate guilt like im beating myself up too much. I won’t be able to find an exact answer but i can always acknowledge my past and make amends with myself f I can’t make them with other people (it would be unnecessary to just go to a whole bunch of people and be like ummm did I SA you). I’m sorry we both had to go through these things. It’s very terrible when children go through things and then act out because it’s not just black and white you know.

nae nae

Date posted: 27w

@dee012 Yeah, many things in life rarely are. It's good that you're able to recognize when it's OCD, at least. Forever wishing you the best of luck on your recovery journey. You deserve peace, love, and happiness 🫂🤍

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

I know it’s not easy, but you have to look at this with nuance. Your own experiences contributed to the mistakes that you made. A lot of people in your shoes could and probably have made similar mistakes. We do not have control over our circumstances, which is important to keep in mind. Plus, as someone else said, you were a child. You are judging your past self whose brain was far less developed than it is now. You also didn’t fully understand why you shouldn’t do those things. Children do not have the ability to think things through and consider the effects of their actions. Also, I understand why you want to know how the people you were touchy with were affected (If they even were) but I think you can recover without getting those answers. If you did have an effect on them, chances are they have done what they needed to do to move forward. But it’s also very possible that no one was seriously affected by your actions, and your OCD is just trying to latch onto this and make you feel like the worst person in the world. That’s what it does. I know that’s reassurance but sometimes we need to hear it to ground ourselves. You truly do deserve to move on from this. I don’t think any rational person would want you to carry this guilt and shame forever. There is so much context here that matters, but OCD likes to disregard it and paint you as a bad person, when you aren’t. That’s also reassurance, but every now and then we need a reminder. You acknowledged your mistakes and are a very different person now. I wish you happiness and healing. You have my support.

dee012

Date posted: 27w

@andrewt_ Thank you so much for your comment. You have helped me many times before. I need to forgive my childhood self, as I had no guidance through that stuff. Many people did not even know what I went through, and though that doesn’t justify the mistakes, it does open my mind up to how I shouldn’t feel like im unforgivable or some crazy sht. I need to be able to move on from this with or without an answer. Thank you for your kind words and support. Reassurance is needed sometimes we are all human and im glad you could give it to me this time! Sending good karma your way!

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

@dee012 Exactly! You owe yourself forgiveness, what you did as a child should never define you. And anytime, I’m glad I could help!! 🙏🏼

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

Derickk

Date posted: 25w

Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

ughhhh

Date posted: 23w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

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