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Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for helping to relieve guilt from things I have done in my past that I don’t like that I did?

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.

(I’m not sure if this has anything triggering but just in case—know that I bring up my OCD but not what it is specifically so I think it’s fine? ) Just really struggling right now and was wondering if anyone had any words of advice or encouragement? I’ve had OCD my entire life but it didn’t start becoming severe until I was around 14/15. It reached the point of extreme where going anywhere or socializing at all caused embarrassment because I had NO idea how to control compulsions and had no idea that’s what they were in the first place. I would also get lost in intrusive thoughts and physically couldn’t communicate. Fast forward and I was isolated throughout the years important to my development. Didn’t go to school, didn’t go to any social events, didn’t get a job (and then 2020 came along and I literally couldn’t.) and just stayed in my room letting my OCD consume me. It was really bad in 2022 and destroyed a very important relationship I had and set me back once again, it hit me extremely strong and a few months later I was once again just -stuck- these were years I was supposed to get ready for college but I couldn’t, and now this year I’m turning 20 and I have nothing to show for it. I’m still stuck and at this point I just feel like there’s no hope for me. The only job I can muster up anything for is creative writing but I feel like such a failure. I’m in such a dark place and I just can’t convince myself it’ll get better. Any words of encouragement would be nice because I just don’t know what to do.

i constantly overthink my relationahip with my boyfriend. i constantly am like “am i not in love with him?” simply bc i dont find his voice as attractive as some other men, or bc i dont get butterflies whenever he texts me or calls me nicknames. i constantly iverthink everything i do and i am obssesed with every number i see ending in a 5 or a 0 and if it doesnt i get secerely uncomfortable. i make everything even and i have to have a specific order for all my jewelery and stuff. im tired of struggling everyday.

Sometimes i feel like i need the opinion from people online to tell me if im a good person or not. I have thoughts of just posting every single bad thing ive done and let the people decide if i deserve to continue with my life. It sounds morbid but it is. I dont know what to do with myself sometimes especially when it comes to the future. What will people want to happen to me if they found out everything ive done. I put too much thought into these scenarios. Its really just how i feel. Maybe this has turned into more of a vent but- i also think that i should not continue my life myself, so that i dont have to see the “ inevitable” comments on my life later on. I think about it all the time. Its gotten so bad to where i feel like i need to be put away in a mental hospital for a week or two so i can get over myself but i havent and im scared too if it gets bad again. I just feel so unworthy of living sometimes. I want it all to stop but its so hard most days.

I feel bad because I'll comment on other people's posts on here who struggle with the same OCD as I do and it's like why am I better at helping other people than myself???? I feel like I'm different. Anytime someone here says something related to pure OCD (or really any off) I try to remind them that they couldn't do anything that results in them being a bad person but it feels different for me because I actually do bad things. I have done bad things. I've never heard a story from other people that involves me not being annoying or weird or a bad person. I feel like there's a difference when other people make a mistake then when I make a mistake. Other people absolutely deserve help but I don't deserve help. Other people should be able to heal but I haven't gone through enough yet. I wish so badly I wasn't me because I just want to be a good person and I pray every night that I will be good and I won't mess anything up and that I will be helpful but I never am enough. I always mess something up. I want to be perfect but that's unachievable and that makes me anxious. I want to be perfect for people and I can't. Any time I think about how I need help or I need to talk about my feelings or something I remember why I shouldn't. Any time I do anything other than sit and smile I just get told to shut the fuck up or get told how annoying I am and it hurts but then I think "if I'm a bad person I deserve this" but if I was someone else and I hadn't done all the stupid and weird and even insane things I've done then I would deserve it a little more. I wish I was dead. I don't know why I'm not. I don't know why I'm writing this I just wish I was either another person or dead. I'm unredeemable it feels like. I hate myself so much. I'm so done.

I want to share how ERP has helped me lately, in finding a new job, but also share a realistic look over what chasing my values has been like. I hope this will help someone. I was miserable for a long time in my previous job. I desperately wanted to leave, but my OCD interfered a lot when I searched for other jobs, especially before I started ERP/before I was diagnosed. A “typical” job search is to look for jobs, work on your resume/cover letter, apply, and hope for an interview. However, this was very difficult for me—I would spend hours on my resume, trying to make it absolutely perfect so it wouldn’t be rejected. I needed it to feel just right. I sometimes missed application deadlines because I couldn’t get my resume done “perfectly” in time. When I looked for jobs, I could only apply if it felt “just right.” I needed absolute certainty that my next job would be the right move. When I did get an interview, I couldn’t prepare adequately, because I didn’t know what questions I would be asked, and the uncertainty made it hard to focus. Fast forward to this year, where I felt more serious about leaving my job, and I did exposures to work through my fears. My therapist had me prepare a resume, within a certain amount of time, and not change it after. I applied to jobs even though I had no idea if I would be happy at the company. When I submitted applications, I didn’t allow myself to read my resume over and over for hours. I made it satisfactory, submitted it, and hoped for the best. Last month, I applied for a job, and was selected for an interview. Ultimately, I was hired, and I started training this week. So, the wonderful side of ERP is that my hard work finally helped me break my compulsive cycles, and I finally got a new job. I left my old toxic company, after trying to leave for a few years. I started with NOCD a little over two years ago. I’m doing so much better now. I have fewer exposures and therapy sessions because I have a really good handle on my tools and my OCD. But, as we all know, OCD flare ups will happen. When I started training on Monday, I felt so excited. I strongly felt like my skills would transfer to this new job, and I could really make a difference. However, later in the day (and for part of the week), I felt really overwhelmed. My OCD told me I was going to burn out, I was going to fail, I couldn’t handle the training, I would have to go back to my old job and suffer forever. It is hard for me still, to accept that my OCD isn’t going away, that I’ll have hard periods, I’ll have moments of struggle. Which is truly just a part of life, for everyone, with or without mental illness. I used my tools to combat my intrusive thoughts. I woke up and went to my training every day (which now requires a commute, and I’ve never had to commute before). I’m changing my routine and adjusting to a career change and how my days look. But despite the struggles this week, despite crying in my car because I wasn’t anticipating all the emotions that came up, I am not letting my OCD win. My OCD wants me to quit, to find something comfortable. But my values are to be in a career where I help people, where I’m fulfilled and happy about the work I do. My values are more important than a false sense of safety/comfort that my OCD is promising me. I’m anticipating struggling in this job. I’m going to have really hard days (I’m going in a social service field, helping people enroll in government benefits). But I’m leaning into the part of me that finally feels like I’m on a good career path. I don’t like struggling, I don’t like things being out of my control, I don’t like in between periods where things are tough now but will get better later. I want everything to be certain and easy (who doesn’t?). It’s a mixed bag of feelings—so so grateful for ERP, grateful ERP helped me get out of my job, grateful I am handling this so much better than I would have 2 years ago. But sad and stressed and confused too, and annoyed that my OCD had to butt in to a new exciting life change. I think this is just the nature of life with OCD. But OCD doesn’t go away. So why not work on chasing my values, so I can live a life I’m proud of, while I work through this disorder? I am choosing my values over comfort, and I wanted to share this in case anyone is in a similar boat. And if I’m going to have OCD triggers, I would much rather have them while I’m a better job, vs being triggered at my old toxic job. I hope you all have a good weekend ❤️

So, a while ago, I was obsessing over feeling like I had to tell my best friend something. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to just do it but the guilt was eating me alive. One day, we had a conversation about something related to it and the conversation led to what I had to tell her. I told her, apologized, and things went will. It was unplanned but it was a good conversation. My guilt went away (although my OCD tried to bring it back some times) and we remained friends. Now, I have something else I need to tell my parents and I feel like it’ll be easier for me to talk about it in a conversation about something else I think they should know. My OCD is telling me I’m weak for doing it this way instead of just coming out and saying it randomly. It also tells me I’m manipulative because if it’s not the only thing I talk away, the weight of it won’t be the same and they need to know how terrible I am and how big this was. Additionally, what I need to tell them is something I did when I had a mental break down like eight years ago. I feel like if I mention my mental health, I’m not taking responsibility. I’m not trying to blame it and shrug it off like it doesn’t matter because there’s a reason I did it. It’s just that it’s an explanation. It’s what happened, and I was planning to mention it in a bigger conversation about mental health and the medication I’m on. I think I’m horrible for doing it this way, I think my OCD is right but when I try to just say it, my words get messed up from being unbelievably anxious. So I just feel weak and manipulative and awful.

…waiting for someone you already meant spiritually… it’s hard. I just want to physically be with them and I can’t. Even with all the knowledge I have about them…temporarily cope. Having activities/self work has helped a lot, ive created healthy boundaries with myself while remaining completely open in expressing myself. Perfection doesn’t exist So here I am having a hard time tolerating… tolerating that they aren’t physically here… yet?. …also I sincerely hate intrusive OCD. At least I grinned at this meme 🥴. I’m going to 💤 ✌🏼 yall.

my parents don’t understand that a seemingly small and snide comment about my body will ruminate in my brain for months and months and be a never ending source of why i hate myself more and more everyday. I don’t know how to get them to understand as they are not in my shoes. I am overweight, not morbidly obese but I struggle to find the will to work out and improve myself, but i know this isn’t the motivation i need.

Is it ocd or is it denial I don't get what ifs and I wasn't diagnosed with ocd I went to the pych twice and part me just doesn't want to be tru that I'm might be a p and using ocd just for me not to believe it. Im going to go again and if they say I am a p I'm going to end it because that's a scary thought and I'm also worried about my relationship with my boyfriend he is 6 years younger then me and I'm 27 and he's 21 I met him when he was 19 turning 20 and I was 25 turning 26. I'm tired and I don't want sympathy I just needed to type this out it's been getting on my nerves a lot and I think everyday of breaking up with him fear of judgement. He does act very immature I don't know what do with my life myself and the people around me and making friends is not my cup of tea everytime im around new people I feel like I'm hiding a big secret and I don't want to get close to anyone and just makes me feel bitter because people just be normal and not have these intrusive thoughts pop up and lm like why me why why me. And I just push everyone away I can't stand myself either I'm fat and eating is what really what makes me happy no one knows what I go through and I can't talk about it I'm afraid of getting shunned or that I won't get better and actually seek help that I know I need I've feel like I have no control over my life I'm 27 no job I don't have my own place my sisters are doing better then me I probably sound selfish I want to get better and it if is just ocd it would be a sigh of relief and I can work through my issues. I have more I want to say but this part of my truth

So im going into grade 10 next week- and honestly I thought I wouldnt be nervous but now I am 😭😭 like i usually get really bad back to school anxiety. I worry about a lot of things- like what if I forget something? What if I say something wrong or stupid? What if I look ugly? What if I seem annoying? What if my teachers dont like me? What if I have a bad class? What if I dont do well? What if I make a bad impression? And like im used to it- but it doesnt make it any easier 😭😭😭 im also scared bc during school my mental health usually notttt good and I cry like every three days and stress a lot about making my assignments perfect or studying for like 7 hours bc what if i forget something??? 😔 and honestly its really exhausting and socially draining to be at school sometimes- so im really afraid. And in the first day teachers usually do ice breakers and I HATEEEE THEM 😭 because I feel anxious and awkward but I can fake confidence really well so its not that bad 😭 and also I want to ask one of my soon to be teachers if I can apply for an IEP- which is just like extra time or support for those with various learning difficulties or disabilities or in my case, OCD. But im scared it will come off as needy or pick me 😭😭😭 or like as if I am trying to get some sympathy points and I dont want my teachers to have a negative impression of me…

at first i started to obsess over if something i did was sa, i came to the conclusion that it isn't for different reasons ( I even talked to a sexual assault hotline who told me that it was a grey area ) but that it was still something inappropriate that could have potentially hurt someone if they saw. and now im starting to obsess on wether that person actually saw or not and if i have hurt her because of it. it's kind of unlikely if she saw, cus she had her back facing me but idk. I saw she liked my posts on Instagram till 2022 ( this thing happened a long time ago ), but even then it's no consolation since now she doesn't follow me anymore ( even if it could have been me that removed her from my followers since we haven't been friends for years and i like privacy ) and since ppl can also realise later on that something that happened to them is assault/harrasment. tho i guess that if she still feels comfortable around my brother and family then it's probably okay? i personally haven't talked to her in a while but she always seemed normal around me after that thing happened. idk, im so ashamed

Hey guys have you ever just start doing something, either work, practice, or simply just enjoy life with family and friends, but then all of the sudden you just start to want to cry over your thoughts, and every mistake you made, every mental image you feel guilty over.

is it sa if he asked a couple times and I didn't want to at first just because I was on my period but then when he asked again, I wanted to after? People keep saying that asking like that is actually sa and that's freaking me out because what do I do if that happened to me??? I feel like my ocd is latching onto a specific scenario that was confusing and now im just reviewing every situation.

I love the app, but i’m seeking too much reassurance whether that be reading others posts or writing my own post it’s doing nothing for me. I think i need to start trying harder because due to feeling like nothing i do will help im not trying but i feel like i need t start

Any tips on trying to figure out how to consume media again? I used to love bonding with people by getting into the stuff they liked. I loved watching tv and playing video games etc. it was a big part of my personal identity, but lately I started worrying that if I ever watched and or played anything that could be offensive it would make me a bad person. This started a huge spiral for me. I think being critical of everything in a society with so much to fix is genuinely important, but I started to worry there could be problems with anything I could ever see and feel like if I watched anything with a bad joke or found something bad in a video games I had to keep it a huge secret. I want to do the right thing so badly, but when I get so anxious I find problems in everything. It’s made me feel really disconnected from the people around me who share the same moral beliefs as me, but are much more relaxed with the media they consume. Am I bad person for even feeling like I should relax to. I can’t seem to find anything anymore that doesn’t make me anxiou and all I can do is imagine someone finding out I watched it and didn’t shut it off immediately and being so hurt or worst knowing I like it and being hurt that I could ever like something that really hurts them. It’s hard because I know these are valid things to be afraid of but it has become obsessions and compulsions for me. I selfishly just want to feel like I can enjoy things again, but I also can’t live with myself doing something that could be really wrong or hurt someone. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I just want to do the right thing and there is no rule book to be a good person. Has anyone ever gotten through this a been to enjoy media again?

I am a 22 year old female and have never gotten into a relationship due to the fact that I have OCD and how ugly it can get at times. I also feel like I would be a burden and be too much to handle especially in modern dating when people want to have fun and dont want to deal with anything that's exhausting not saying it's wrong but that's how it is. I have these two mindsets of 'I'll have someone who will accept me someday' Or 'I'll just be on my own cause that's what's good for me'.I don't think anyone will look at me and think they want to settle down with me or stuff. I feel like i will be too much to handle. Even if someone likes me, they will never actually love me enough to spend their life with me. Maybe if I were more pretty maybe people might put up with me idk really. This just saddens me to the core. I don't know how to deal with this. Is there any hope for me P.S my ocd is manageable most of the time but when it flares up it gets ugly and i go non-functional

i’ve reduced the amount of times i wash my hands per day but i still find that i wash for a while. i’ve have up’s and downs. it can range from 3 minutes to as long as 20 minutes, it just depends on how dirty i feel the task was or if i get stuck in a loop. how would a person without these tendencies wash their hands under 2 minutes? also is it not necessary to wash under the nails every handwash? any help would be appreciated on how to stop with the counting.

I have 3 questions: 1. How do I stop ruminating over a workplace incident? 2. How do I remember all that what was said during the incident, to ensure I won't be painted as an angry emotional woman, without having to ask another co worker what happened? 3. How do I think before I act? I was thinking of writing a note on my desk saying "5 4 3 2 1 before reacting". So I can fully be present anytime I speak. I wish our lives were recorded so we could play it back to therapists... Anyway all I remember is I was working & the co workers in the next cubicles were chatting away about the women they were attracted to in the office (they're married men). Anyway, someone came to ask our section for assistance I asked that they help him out cause I'm really busy. The one co worker started complaining, so in order to prevent problems & a dispute, I just helped the guy. But I don't know if I said anything more? Possibly & most likely ...but I can't recall. But now I'm ruminating cause the complaining co worker has started gossiping about the incident around work. It's being brought back to me & I'm confused cause I don't remember anything else.