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i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.

Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well . I am not sadly. Idk what to do at this point in my life and it’s really scary. My family seems to not get it really but idk how to explain what I’m going through . So basically I had an uncle and I have many cousins with schizophrenia. All of them don’t take meds and have went off the grid with my family or have passed . I am so unbelievably scared of getting it that I can’t live my life without being scared everyday. I have had so many thoughts and dreams and a lot of come true(no joke) and I’m like oh shit that means I’m delusional and I’m having delusional thoughts and now it’s taking over my dreams and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I am very scattered brain 24:7 I feel I can’t talk or speak right, I keep going through not feeling real or right and I’ll be talking to my family and my brain will be like “ what if this is a hallucination and you’re talking to yourself”. I’m EXHAUSTED to the max and most I’ve ever been. Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve also always been a superstitious person because weird shit was always happening or strangely a “coincidence” that even my family would be like wtf is going on with that. And I never understood it as a child, but I’m so so so sooo scared bc of that and what I deal with now that I’m developing it. And I need help.

people here say that their ocd isn’t completely gone but it’s not ruling them and it’s in the back of their mind still but not ruling them. but i don’t want it on the back of my mind. i want clarity about what i believe and who i am again. i don’t want a shred of doubt. i want to be freed. i feel like this is impossible.. like the ocd doubts are apart of me now.. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

it’s always like this. I get to talk to someone, we chat, then stop chatting or get very slow replies. but I can’t complain when I said that if I don’t reply, I’m busy or dealing with stuff. everyone has their life & no one is obligated to reply to me. I have learned that I really am just alone. I don’t want to force anyone or be obsessed. this goes for online friends. I only have 4. but they haven’t replied to me in days/weeks/months maybe. honestly, this has helped me not becoming dependent and wait for a reply like I used to. I would go on worrying for a while if someone wouldn’t reply for a certain time. I wouldn’t tell them ofc but I would become anxious. as for real life, I guess I can say 1. maybe 2 but one of them was a friend from elementary and we only met up once after sophomore year of high school. we’re now in college (actually, she graduated already) & have met up with her that day. we updated each other on our lives. it was nice, but I don’t think it was the same ‘best friend’ friendship we had as kids/teens. we don’t talk anymore. (only if I view her stories on instagram and say something) the other one I could say is half online/half real life. I met him online and we met irl a month in. he’s a good guy and honestly the first person that I like as a friend. someone I can trust, I guess. not fully, but definitely can be a lot of myself around. he’s been busy with life as well. he’s not obligated to reply to me. this one, I rlly like talking to but again, life happens. so I stopped being ‘excited’ for a response. in the end, it’s just me. my pain and myself. if I can’t make any friends irl (or maybe new friends online)(don’t get me wrong, I like the 4 online friends I have. they’re dear to me. they are just busy) at the end of this year during school, I will just give up. I tried before in my previous semester but it never happened. I am just going to accept my solitude. all I want now is either to not be here (sometimes), get a bike and ride by myself, or I don’t know. I don’t find anything appealing at the moment. sometimes there will be a spark but it goes out quickly. I genuinely do not see a happy life in the future. even after I told my dad of a ‘plan’ I had to retire early and keep learning in college to feed my curiosity, I just think maybe I’m not fit for living. I’m just tired. I try. I don’t find joy in many things anymore. it’s just not interesting. I just want to crawl up in my bed (as I am now) and move to a different place. I just want peace. will it be death that I find peace? or maybe living by a lake? who knows. life needs to let me rest.

TW for mental health issues, death, ptsd, ED i guess ill just start off by saying that i have struggled since i was young with severe anxiety and panic attacks since i was about five but an onslaught of CPTSD worsened a lot of things for me. i developed an eating disorder in my teens and was hospitalized for it. i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was ten and while i do my best without medication to live my life to the fullest, i often feel like i don’t deserve the successes and support i’ve received in the last few years b/c i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy at all. i saw a video recently of a girl talking about her obsessive hypochondriac thoughts that i resonated with and when i read the comments, a lot of people pointed out that it might be ocd. it hasn’t ever been a thought that crossed my mind and now im wondering if im twisting that video into some sort of self diagnosis for myself. im wondering if it’s just my high anxiety that’s causing these severely intrusive thoughts. for example, i have had a really hard time sleeping recently because the thought that i or my partner might die in my sleep keeps me up. if i have an aneurysm or a heart attack in the middle of the night and die, or worse, if my partner has an aneurysm or heart attack, is it because i don’t deserve to be happy with him? i don’t deserve a wonderful relationship? another thought i have is when i drive with us both in the car, im going to crash and severely injure both of us or kill us both. i have never once crashed my car or gotten into an accident btw, but for some reason i just get this extremely morbid thought that im going to crash and it’ll be the end. i had a weirdly spiritual experience/revelation in 2020/21 about the multiverse and i keep thinking that every night i actually die or that i get into accidents or something morbid happens and im somehow timeline jumping and going to a different multiverse and that’s been my odd way of coping with these thoughts. i guess im just trying to figure out if this is even remotely similar to OCD or if im just over analyzing it bc of my anxiety/hypochondria i guess?? i dont know i just want help. if this isn’t OCD, please tell me and i will delete this post and app and ill sincerely apologize to everyone who actually suffers. 🙏

Hi everyone, I’m currently on vacation and dealing with a relapse in symptoms. This started a couple of days before leaving, and it’s super frustrating to still be experiencing it. More so of “existential” OCD, and it’s really making it hard for me to enjoy things. I’m so upset because I had a few months of minimal ocd, but now this uptick in symptoms really is throwing me off and making me feel defeated. I’m trying my best to push through and not engage with the thinking, but at times it’s so hard. I feel like I’m back at square one which is terrifying. If anyone has any insight or support, please feel free to share. Thank you!

i could be fine one day and then all of a sudden go into this long period that lasts a few days, sometimes even weeks where i feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. i will be talking to my boyfriend and think to myself “ is this really my boyfriend do i even like him “ or i’ll look at my family and be like “ is this really my family “, i feel so out of touch with reality and it is so scary. things look distorted, i feel like i am behind myself 24/7, like i am watching myself through a movie or something. it is so scary and i feel like there’s something wrong with me, and what sucks is i cant even explain what i feel, and i feel extremely alone. my birthday is coming up and i feel like i wont even be able to have fun because i will feel so weird and not present at all, i dont know what to do and i will feel this way out of nowhere. some days its worse than others, idk i feel like im genuinely losing my mind or that im gonna lose my mind and go crazy. is this normal?

Does anyone had or have the existential fear of our brain functions. I have so much hyperawareness in my thoughts, I focus all the time in my feelings and my intentions in order to check if I am strange or not and if I have control of my actions. I do psychotherapy 4 years and I thought I was fine. But this June I had a derealization episode(or ocd) , after that a depersonalization episode (or ocd) and after that I have obsessions about our existence and that every aspect in our lives has to do with our brain and for some reason these thoughts scary me. I know that at some point is ocd but I am very confused why this thoughts scary me so much. I observe others and I am curious how it's possible not to think about that and this make it worse . I am so anxious because obviously we are our brain ,I know that and brain has to do with everything,but I don't know why it make me anxious and if it's possible to live without these thoughts. I do many compulsion but my biggest is to figure out if I have compulsion in order to figure out if my thoughts is ocd or delusions. It's so real and these thoughts really bother me. Any other with same experience?

What if the harm ocd never ever goes away and i have to live with this FEELING. like even when im not having an intrusive thought i still have this feeling of the thought. Is this normal LIKE I DO NOT WANT TO ACT ON AN intrusive thought AT ALL but im so full of panic because im having intruisve thoughts like “what if i did” “what if i just do it and dont care” “what if i dont care” “what if it doesn’t matter if i were to act out on the thoughts” Is this normal because im so scared because this feeling in my head and chest im just scared. Anyone who relates how long did u have this for / the feeling/ thoughts. Pls help! Im so scared because sometimes it even comes into existential like “Why does it matter if i did that” Please

Is there a point to living anymore

Something I’m really struggling with is the thoughts of having a child. My husband and I got married last year and always planned to have kids. I am currently experiencing an OCD “flare” and I’m wondering how ethical it is for me to have a child knowing I may pass this condition on. Any insight is appreciated!

just venting. tw for SH. too lazy to type everything. genuinely just tired. I don’t want replies. the end is somewhat beginning to be appealing. maybe if I do it, they will care. I’ll be pissed if they do. fuck off, you didn’t know me, you have no right to care if I go. I was always in the background. all of a sudden I will matter for a few moments, and what for? don’t even try to give compliments to who I was. you didn’t know me. it’s a shame I thought of a future. a non realistic one. I only felt comfort in my imaginary world. hopefully there is another life. a better world. I think I will rest now. good night.

How do I forgive myself for things I did as a kid? Disgusting terrible illegal things? I’m grown and I would never do them now, but how do I move on?

Hello! I’m not sure what to do. I have health anxiety and feel like I’m dying when after eating junk food and because of my poor habits and being not motivated to go to the gym. I also have a fear that there’s no afterlife and that I have no purpose in life and that we suffer for nothing. I don’t know how to cope and I’m not sure if religion is toxic for me because I want to be honest and realistic with myself. I believe but think it’s because I was raised in a religious household. I keep looking for certainty. I feel like I don’t know what I’m going to do when my grandmas pass away. My anxiety got so much worse when my grandfather passed and I don’t think I can take it anymore and am so confused what life really means. Why there’s suffering. I don’t feel a sense of purpose in my life at all and am more confused than ever. I’m struggling to do exposure therapy for all of this and don’t know how to do exposure therapy properly. I also don’t know how to cope when I see my family suffer. For example, when I saw my uncle have my cousin arrested, for seeing my grandfather die. I feel like there’s nothing good in this world because it always leads to tragedy at the end. My family believes there’s a God, which I’d like to believe that, but am also feeling like he might not exist. It used to be my values but not anymore when I learned that it’s bad for my OCD. How should I handle trauma when I already can’t take it anymore. I feel like life has been very boring and I really struggle to work at my office. I can’t be present in the moment and I’m easily bored and want to do things that will change my life, that are more fun. I don’t know what yet and am really struggling. I just go to a boring job, wait until it turns 5, and go home and go the same thing. Walk the dog, I don’t even want to cook because it’s so boring and wastes time, and watch tv. I really don’t like my life and don’t know what to do. I previously had terrible managers in the past and got laid off for one of my jobs so this is I guess comfortable but still. I’m so bored and just going through life and am struggling to really enjoy anything. This has been going on for years. I also feel so immature and hanging out with my friends who are way more mature and extroverted than me is an exposure in itself. I compare myself to them a lot since they’re so confident but I feel like they act like I’m a toddler at times and that they feel they have to take care of me. I just am always in my head and they always give me advice, whether I ask it or not. I’m not excited about my life, very bored, but I also am not happy with who I am. I hate doing things too bc I feel like it just makes me even more depressed and bored. I feel like junk food and alcohol are the only things I look forward to

I’m new here and I’m not sure what to ask, but I feel like I need to ask something. The first thing that come up is a recent experience I had with waking up in the middle of the night just thinking my life isn’t real, like not that nothing matters, but like actually not real. It was terrifying. Other times I’ll wake up in the middle of the night just spiraling thinking that I’m just a terrible person and I’m ruining my children’s lives and my husband would be able to manage things better if I was not here. Anyways, I was wondering if there was anyone else that has experienced things like this. And how you deal with these things. I’m not sure that I even have OCD but it is something that I keep thinking about. I don’t want to assume though so I’m just trying to reach out for some community and outside thoughts. Thanks.

idk if this is my ocd but for the past couple weeks i’ve been disassociating and getting anxious if i look in the mirror too long or look at pictures of myself. like i can’t comprehend what i look like and don’t think im real. i also have difficulty changing simple things abt my appearance like today i put in a hoop in my nose piercing instead of my typical stud and it’s making me feel weird. i feel weird taking pictures of myself, posting pics/videos of myself and like i said even looking in the mirror too long. why don’t i feel real? i feel so weird

Newly diagnosed with OCD but have struggled with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and night terrors for about 20 years now. Never knew it was OCD! Anyhow, I struggle with existential OCD and perfectionism OCD which has always caused me to dislike “regular” talk therapy because it never worked, there was no point, and I was worried I wasn’t doing it right. Well I’ve started ERP with my therapist, and now every day that I have therapy, I anxiously spiral about how it’s going to be bad, and I’m not going to get better anyway because I’m not doing it right, and what’s the point in getting better anyway. Sorry for the run on sentences. Does anyone have advice for getting motivated for therapy sessions and not fearing them? TL;DR: Does anyone have advice of how to stay motivated for ERP therapy with doubts of failing/anxiety/existential thoughts?

im just living day by day. i’ve stopped doing the things i used to like doing because i don’t want to ruin them. i dont want my favourite music, movies, shows and hobbies to be tainted with anxiety and my own thoughts. im a shell of who i used to be and if i had the choice i’d do nothing. at this point i’m living to cover up my emotions. its even harder because i’m not actually diagnosed since i dont think i could handle telling my parents about what’s wrong with me. i have a lot of the symptoms and i’ve had them since i was quite young (16 now) and it just hasn’t been getting better, im just better at hiding it now. i dont want to bother my boyfriend or parents with my issues so i have to deal with everything myself. i don’t find anything fun anymore and i want to die, i have nothing to live for and i quite simply want it to end. i always think it can’t get worse but i fall deeper into my sadness and me saying i’m alright to people is a lie. i feel so incredibly trapped i don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.

Hi! Okay so everyday I wake up and freak out that I am dying or going to die soon and then because I think that, I feel like I am manifesting it but I cannot stop getting intrusive thoughts about myself or someone I love dying. I also can’t get in my car and drive without thinking I hit someone and somehow just didn’t know? And then I will just wait anxiously and think police will show up at my door. And lastly, I live in the past and always think about all of my mistakes and I can’t forgive myself and keep thinking my past will come back to haunt me. Does anyone relate to anything I said? I think it would just help to know I am not alone.