people here say that their ocd isn’t completely gone but it’s not ruling them and it’s in the back of their mind still but not ruling them. but i don’t want it on the back of my mind. i want clarity about what i believe and who i am again. i don’t want a shred of doubt. i want to be freed. i feel like this is impossible.. like the ocd doubts are apart of me now.. i don’t understand why this happened to me.
I look at OCD as a little devil on my shoulder. I've named mine. I focus on separating myself from it as much as possible so I can remember who I am apart from this annoying...thing. I was untreated OCD for over 20 years, and it has taken me some time to "get back to me". The OCD wants the certainty of the freedom. It wants the no shred of doubt. That's why it feels impossible. Because the OCD is demanding you be fully healed. This is its trap. Conquering OCD is about embracing the uncertainty. About saying, meh...it's possible I won't ever forget or be fully healed from OCD. And sometimes saying this or the other things that sound terrifying, such as it's possible I might die, it's possible I might stab someone today, yep...possible. But not probable. The goal is to not give the OCD something to obsess over. So when you take the "must solve this!!" away the OCD loses its power. So instead of saying I don't want it in the back of my mind, say, it's possible it may always be in the back of my mind, but people who have successfully conquered OCD say it doesn't rule them. It's possible it may take me some time to gain clarity about myself and that's okay. It's possible I won't answer all of this right now, and that's okay. It's possible I will still have doubts, because nothing is certain. Is it possible, sure...but as my therapist reminded me often...it's possible, but not probable. And we can ruminate why it has happened. Again, the OCD asking for an answer. Why???? Well, there could be multiple reasons. It isn't one thing. Because not a single one of us on this site have the same experiences, yet we all ate diagnosed with OCD. And do we like it, nope. But is it treatable...yes. ♥️
@HealingLadyC thank you, this is comforting I do want clarity about who i am and what i believe, that’s all i want, because i feel so lost right now, im worried that those doubts about who i am and what i believe will stay forever but.. my parents want to sign me up for therapy in person so i hope that will help a bit
@panda hope I can empathize totally and it is completely fair to want clarity on who you are. When I first started with my therapist (after I came here and found the right one finally and told my condition i was healing regardless of what it told me) I let him know that I didn't expect him to fix me. I expected him to guide me while I healed myself. That I needed help because just like we go to a heart specialist for our heart, or a ear and nose specialist for our ears and nose, the specialists for our head and mind are therapists and mental health people. I stopped trying to solve it myself because I wasn't succeeding. You would have neber known I havw this. Im a "high functioning OCD" but I was in hell. You can't treat a heart condition with diabetes medicine. Thays what I had been trying to do. Treat whatever was wrong with me, myself. I would say the journey to finding yourself is a worthy one for sure and is never undertaken alone. Also, nothing lasts forever. Another OCD lie. That you'll feel a certain way forever. This life IS change. Happiness, despair, natural feelings, all fleeting. All part of the wave of everyday life. Our job is to learn how to ride the waves as cliche as that may sound, it's true. OCD makes us afraid of the waves, scared to surf them telling us we aren't capable. Except here we are and we've survived 100% of our days and all the waves and OCD has lied to us the entire time. We were always capable. That's what therapy should help you realize. It gives you the tools to make it, and do it while thriving instead of surviving. You've got this!
@HealingLadyC Thank you, but one question, what do you mean by solve it yourself? Do you mean stop trying to do compulsions to get better or something? I’m sorry it’s just that i’m confused on what to do right now with compulsions and stuff
@panda hope @pandahope in trying to solve it myself, I stopped trying to solve my OCD myself. I thought I just had anxiety. I wasn't diagnosed properly and OCD has nuances that are not well served by traditional therapy. I was listening to a podcast called Disordered because I was so fed up with my panic attacks and one of the speakers has OCD and he described it and I realized ... THAT - THAT WAS ME. Then I found NOCD. I started trying to ERP myself, but I didn't even realize what my compulsions were and how they were making me worse. Also I am the type where I am so hardcore with trying things, I was totally lacking compassion for myself, and since I wasnt aware of what my compulsions were, I needed outside clarity and compassion to help me learn how to respond to them properly so I didn't stand in the way of my own healing. I also am worst in Harm OCD so my thoughts were terrifying. I realized that while I could take the time to learn it, I could spend that extra time, or I could go to experts and have them guide me and heal more quickly. If you are confused with compulsions, I would recommend to definitely talk to a therapist trained in OCD. Because responding to them (the compulsions) is counterintuitive to what we think we should do, and also to identify them. I am a voracious learner, and I didn't realize at times my desire to find an answer was a compulsion. We are so close to our situations, it is really helpful to have an outside source look in and identify where we may be too close to the situation, with a recommendation on how to handle it. Also, they will sit with you while you face the OCD, that is part of the therapy, so you learn the tools that you need hands on. Which in my case, I needed. I have faced a lot of very difficult things in life alone, and to have someone sitting with me helping me face my fears with compassion while I cried and affirmed how to do it and confirm I was doing it correctly was priceless to me.
@HealingLadyC I’m scared to do erp cause i’m scared i’ll believe what i feared all along :/ But i guess i want to try
I feel the same way sometimes. I don't understand why I have this and no one else really understands. It does suck sometimes. I will say I'm getting better but it does take time. Everyone's path is different and yours is unique to you. Doesn't make it good or bad just unique. Stay with things and stay surrounded by people like us here who do understand. You're not alone. Don't quit.
hey everyone. i’m not sure if this app will help me or not, but i feel the need to try anything because i can’t keep living like this. i struggle with obsessing over everything in my life. it feels like everyday my brain picks a new thing in my life to obsess over. for the past couple days ive been obsessing over my interpersonal relationships. for example; “do i like the people im with” “do i like my friends as more than just friends” “do i actually love these people or am i lying to everyone”. it’s been really messing with me and making me question my support system. i can’t stop stressing. i’m even afraid to talk about it with my therapist because i have those thoughts about her too. i’m new to my OCD diagnosis (got diagnosed last month) i was hospitalized for a week because i couldn’t function. i also obsess over my sexuality and nothing i pick for me ever feels quite right. i recently started a relationship with someone who’s trans, so maybe that’s why? does anyone else go through this? my brain tries to convince me that i do this to myself and that im making it all up. but who would want to feel this way? uggghhh
sorry for bothering, for posting too much. but can ocd cause you to sort of.. change? i’m scared i will change. right now i don’t feel like typing all extra with a bunch of emojis and hearts like i usually do. it was usually to represent my values of love and kindness and positivity. but i don t feel like doing that. i feel like typing like this. i’m worried that i will lose my values/morals. i’m scared i am becoming a less emotional or empathetic person. i’m scared that i forced myself to be that way in the past. i’m worried that i don’t know who i am and i will never truly know who i am or feel at peace with myself or my values. i’m worried that because of this ocd i am changed forever. i’m even worried that it isn’t ocd anymore.
im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.
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