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I'm tired of life

Trigger warning to those who are susceptible to the power of suggestion: I won’t get into the nitty gritty of what my OCD currently consists of, but I can speak vaguely. Imagine constant torment in the most personalized manner. Imagine trying to juggle all these things that feel like are in your control, but not. An analogy for this is like being a manager and trying to micromanage employees that can’t do their job. You’re in control, but you’re not. Imagine all this, and then a moment of serenity comes at an opportune time that you weren’t even looking for to begin with. That urge to give in is so strong, stronger than any drug. And as soon as you give in, the behavior you were trying to overcome becomes reinforced and you take two steps back. Okay, where does that leave us. Maybe faith would work? Problem is, I’m very skeptical about God. Okay, well, you don’t need to be religious to pray. You just need to believe in something and placebo will kick in. What if my prayers work? What if they’re answered? Then it feels like I’m manifesting my thoughts into existence, exactly what I’m afraid of what my intrusive thoughts will do. I’m just so. tired. It feels like there’s no winning.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. Since we were 17. We study at the same university in the same specialty. We think that we started dating on October 30, 2019, on that day I asked him to help me with my studies, and it happened that we got drunk and kissed. And so we consider that day as the beginning of our relationship, because after that we did not part and were always together. A week later we had sex. A week later, on November 12, 2019, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me that he was in town and asked if I wanted to meet him. We broke up a long time ago, but we talked and sometimes even kissed. I told my boyfriend that I was going out with a friend because I was afraid to say that he was my ex. We went out, walked, drank beer, talked while sitting on a bench, and he leaned in to kiss me. I leaned back and we kissed. The kiss was not long, a few seconds. kiss wasn't with passion or something. and at that moment I thought I was doing something wrong, because I seem to have a relationship with my boyfriend, and I stopped. After that, we talked some more, he went home, and I went back to the hostel for students(my boyfriend and I lived in the same hostel). I came to my boyfriend, and did not tell about the kiss, because at that moment I did not feel guilty at all. I don't know, maybe I wasn't sure about relationships, because I've never had a serious relationship before, only some flings, and that's why I thought that my current boyfriend would be the same. And really this kiss mean nothing to me. We continued to relationship with my boyfriend, everything was fine. Then I remembered this incident and felt guilty. 6-7 months after we started dating, I told him about it, I told him in the summer of 2020 when we met, because we hadn't seen each other for 4 months due to the coronavirus and quarantine. I cried a lot and asked for forgiveness, said that this kiss mean nothing. My boyfriend calmed me down and forgave me, we didn't even have an argument, we just continued dating as if nothing had happened. Everything was fine, but after 3 years, in August 2022, I remembered this incident and began to blame myself very much. I considered myself a cheater, unworthy of my boyfriend. I just hated myself. My boyfriend didn't understand, because he didn't think about it at all and didn't understand why I was so worried about it. But the anxiety didn't leave me, later I started having false memories and my OCD. I was thinking "what if there was more than a kiss? what if I forgot something? what if I kissed someone else and my brain erased it from my memory?" and billions of such thoughts. I couldn't eat or sleep, I constantly read about betrayals, I read other people's stories, but I didn't get any better. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me a course of antidepressants, which I took for 9 months, but it didn't help. Later, I started remembering all the bad things I did in the relationship. I remembered the case when my boyfriend, with whom I had sex (he is not the one with whom I kissed at the beginning of the relationship) (I have only two sexual partners - this guy, let's call him M and my current boyfriend). And this M texted me in the first month of my relationship with my boyfriend, and started mentioning our sex. I don't remember exactly what I wrote back, because I deleted messages a long time ago. But I definitely remember that he mentioned our sex, said how cool it was. I probably also wrote something in this spirit, but only so as not to offend him. I don't know why I didn't send him "f\*ck you", probably because I was 17 years old and I didn't know how to defend my own borders. I started to blame myself for it. Later I remembered that I was sitting on Tinder with my friend and we were having fun. My boyfriend knew about it, I told him and did not hide anything. I didn't texted with anyone, we just have fun and trolling people. But I remember I had the thought "what if my boyfriend is not the love of my life and I find love here". I am also very ashamed of this opinion now. I never hid anything from my boyfriend and told him everything honestly, but now I am ashamed of my stupid actions. Later, I started blaming myself for the fact that I had many boyfriends in the past, and my boyfriend only had one girlfriend, and he still didn't have sex with her. And I had sex before we started date with my bf and I felt very ashamed because of it, I considered myself a wh*re and unworthy of him. I am infinitely ashamed of all the bad deeds and thoughts I had about my boyfriend. I love him infinitely, and I want to spend my whole life with him. But my past stupid actions haunt me and I feel extremely guilty about them. Because of all these thoughts, I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for a very long time, I was diagnosed with OCD, because I was constantly worried that I had cheated, that I had done something bad in the relationship, I was constantly looking for some kind of betrayal, I looked in the Google timeline where I was every day, did I definitely not cheat anywhere. It seemed to me that I could not trust myself. I considered myself the worst girl in the world. I constantly confessed to my boyfriend for my every thought and every action, I had to be crystal clear in front of him. My boyfriend asked me to stop it, he said that he doesn't care what I thought and what I did, he knows that I love him and he loves me. And I really never hid anything from him, not a single thought or action. But I am ashamed of it now. I also had a period when I doubted whether I loved my boyfriend. I also told him about it, because I was afraid that I don't love him, so why should he be with me? But he said that he knew that these were only foolish thoughts, and so they really were. I think I don't deserve my boyfriend, because he is the most perfect person in this world. He is responsive, kind, intelligent, cheerful, loving, understanding. And I am constantly in doubt, constantly on the negative side, and I feel that I will constantly blame myself for those actions for the rest of my life. Later everything was good and i thought i don't have OCD at all. But no... Now I've been working at my first serious job for 2.5 months. I have a mentor who helps me with my work. I always had thoughts when I sit close to a person "what if we kiss and if something happens" but I didn't attach importance to them, I just tried to avoid situations where I can sit close to a man. and one day my mentor sat next to me and we tried to solve the problem (I work in IT). I started having very strong obsessive thoughts. "what if we kiss? what if he gets close to me now and it happens? it will definitely happen. i think i want it too. i want him to kiss me. what about my boyfriend? can i cheat on him right now? if he the kissed me I wouldn't push him away. now I'm going to kiss him myself. What if I put my hand on his and it will be like in the movie. Wtf? would I betray him if the mentor himself kissed me? I think I want him to kiss me. if there were all the circumstances, would I cheat? and the answer was yes" . This thoughts very scary me. Thought that i might cheat on my bf. And now, I can't get over it. I don't communicate with my mentor except for work. the truth is that I really like the look of it. I have never had such thoughts before that I CAN CHEAT. I was always 100% confident in myself. and when this thought came and I asked myself "could I cheat if he kissed me, would I kiss him back?" and the answer was yes and it just drives me crazy. This thoughts was 5 seconds. now I'm afraid that I could betray at that moment. I don't know what should i do. I really could betray my boyfriend? Or it is just intrusive thoughts? I feel like i already kiss him. I am tired of this thoughts. I know that I don't love my colleague, this is intrusive but it makes me feel like a cheater. I said about this thoughts to my partner. He said to me that i should calm down and it is just a thoughts. For almost 2 years now, my life revolves around the word "cheating". me and my boyfriend, who knows all about it, can't stand all my thoughts anymore. it is really very hard, and I know how hard it is for him to be with me, a person who is always negative and feels a constant sense of guilt. i have been scrolling through this situation for 3 weeks now. I can't shake the feeling that I might betray. I feel like I already did. I don't know if I would do it. I feel like a cheater because I thought I could do this. Please, help me, is it ocd or i just cheater and might to cheat? Sorry for my bad english and thanks for your opinion

Hey guys! I’ve been struggling with constant anxiety and rumination for a few weeks now really it’s been longer than that but I was still working so I was able to get my mind off of it for a little bit. Now I’m waiting to start my new job Monday and have been home alone just ruminating. This theme is that I’m going crazy and need to check myself in somewhere and my thoughts are confusing and don’t make sense sometimes. Idk how to stop it. I haven’t done erp in a few years due to finances. I just want time be able to calm down again. From the time I open my eyes until I can finally get to sleep I’m having panic attack thoughts without the physical racing heart and stuff. Has anyone else experienced this? If so what did you do to help it? I’m not on medication.

Interview of some sort I’m doing an art project and I am going to need you to answer a few questions: 1. What’s your imaginary world ? 2. What’s the difference between imaginary and your reality world ? 3. Are you unsatisfied with your reality ? 4. How do you cope with your reality?

im about to give up. im struggling and nothing helps.i dont wanna be here anymore with these thoughts and fears.

i just went through something and really feel like someone needs to hear this and not feel alone. i was going through some sort of panic/anxiety attack where i felt like i wasn’t myself in a way. it completely came out of nowhere and felt like it was based off of nothing. i felt not in control with my obsessions and no matter what i did to distract myself, i felt just off and awful. i was spiraling with my feelings and my thoughts that were adding even more distress. honestly, it felt like it was never going to end. i can only really remember 2 other times within the last year that i’ve felt this way. but i want you to know, IT WILL PASS. i know it feels so shitty in the moment, feeling like absolutely nothing or no one can alleviate the panic, anxiety, thoughts, confusion, emotions, and so on. but i’m finally seeing the other side of it and feeling like myself again. while i never really feel 100% anymore, i see more light than i did in that moment. you are so so so loved and understood by this community. never feel afraid to speak about these difficult times and allow people talk you through it.

Does anyone ever worry that they’re inherently a bad person just waiting to do something horrific?

Does anyone else ever question if/doubt that their feelings are real? I've been doing that near constantly for a long time now, and it causes a LOT of distress (at least I THINK it's distress). Lately when I feel spiritual and read my scriptures, pray, or watch a religious message, or get the urge to, my brain says, "What if you're only doing this out of compulsion, not cuz you really want to?? What if your spiritual feelings are fake?" It hurts a lot to feel that way. Years ago my OCD was causing me to do insane scrupulous rituals, and in the aftermath, my concept of OCD rituals and healthy, spiritually uplifting rituals got crossed. :/ Like, "Is that the Holy Ghost or are you just being mentally ill again?" There are other feelings that my brains doubts, but spiritual ones are the most distressing.

Anyone else get so deep into the OCD cycle that they can barely disprove the thoughts anymore? Compulsions don’t even help me anymore. I have no relief. I have been thinking about taking my life every day and have no will to live anymore. I can’t see my future, have no idea what life is anymore. I look in the mirror and have a panic attack because I feel like I don’t know the person looking back at me.

Researching if its the end if the world 😱😱😩😩

People keep telling me we wont die because of climate change. But my brain tell me that it's not true ? And I cant stop worrying. Im currently trying to combat that, trying to remember that just because my brain says it it's not true but it's so hard. Any advice?

I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel so hopeless, I’m having intrusive thoughts about my mom and children but it’s not what if it’s “you’re going to do such and such” I feel like my brain has taken over me. I don’t feel happy and I just sit around everyone and pretend like I’m okay when really I’m having horrible thoughts. Also I don’t feel like myself feels like someone else is controlling me. When I think of myself it’s like in 3rd person, for example when I look at my children my brain is like “those aren’t your kids those are Breanna’s kids” or when I talk to friends and family my brain says “those are Breanna’s friends and family” then It’s like I’m just not scared anymore but I want to be like I need to be scared to be normal if that makes sense. I feel like it just took over and I’m going to give in but it doesn’t scare me so now I think I’m just crazy or stuck like this. I feel numb and just out of it like I’m losing hope. Also I had a nightmare like in my dream I had intrusive harm thoughts like I can’t get a break even when I’m sleep or when I wake up. I haven’t really been able to eat because it makes me nauseous I just feel pointless ugh 🥺

I'm trying to get a general idea of what the community believes. Yes or no answers only please. Once I get a good number of replies I'll follow up with info. Is your brain who you are?

So I was recently diagnosed with ocd and I have always been told since I was little that I have ocd tendencies but I worry that I am not ocd enough. Like what if I don’t have enough like things to address. Sometimes I worry that I’m faking it but I can’t tell the difference between what’s fake and what real

Does anyone constantly feel like they have to think about who they are and even who they used to be or it seems like you’re going to lose yourself. I’m also dealing with depersonalization so I feel like I’m going to just slip away

I don’t even know how to start but this is the worst type of intrusive thoughts i’ve had and it’s breaking me down.I really need to find comfort in this but have no idea how.I have intrusive thoughts about my religion and God which I can’t even describe in detail because I feel horrible about it.Its thoughts about death,contradicting my beliefs and saying i don’t like my religion and what I believe in,terrifying thoughts about afterlife. really need help with this It’s literally tearing me down and it’s sickening to me.I’ll try going into more detail if anyone needs it,if I don’t feel too uncomfortable.

how do you accept uncertainty I find it impossible and so distressing? It’s ruining my life😔

Does anyone else with ocd feel like it’s hard to feel things sometimes. Like for example thinking of someone passing away u don’t feel sad. Or like just everyday things it’s hard to like know how u feel? If so what is this?!

Hello fellow ocd sufferers hahaha So yesterday my therapist asked me if I was exposed to gore at a young age which actually the answer was no And really nop But as I grew up I became a big fan of Tarantino movies and resident evil games Gorey things that are not so serious like evil dead and some horror movies Like I cannot enjoy movies where people suffer like really suffer or people torture other people or living beings just for the pleasure of it like hostal or saw There's like a limit of what I'd watch But the question of my therapist left me wondering if that makes me a bad person or that makes my ocd worse And if I should avoid these movies I really love Tarantino movies because they're about revenge, journey, self discovery, they have great soundtracks and amazing photography but idk My mind also hasn't been really well to watch that stuff lately