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Please help me, I have intrusive feeling of guilt, it's religious, what to do.

I don’t understand why people can’t just be honest up front and why people lie about serious things. As someone with OCD, Im pretty sure I’m living my worst nightmare rn. I just need advice right now

Hey yall!! I’ve had a pretty big spike in my ocd lately. I have some real events that really do conflict with my values and that makes me feel terrible, dirty, broken, and impure. It’s spiraled into fears of being arrested and tried for these things even though that is highly unlikely and the events in question took place long ago, and no evidence of any legal investigation against me exists. Nevertheless I find myself in a constant loop of reassurance seeking, confessing, and googling (sometimes even using ChatGPT for reassurance, which I really hate myself for since I’m very anti ai.) How do you guys stop punishing yourself for your real events?

Hello, I am new to both my OCD diagnosis and the NOCD community, as my therapist just told me about it this week. It is nice to meet you! Please excuse the length of this post... I am recently dealing with a lot of obsessive thoughts about being a "bad person" or that something is "wrong with me" — that can translate to a lot of different things, depending on the trigger. Sometimes the thought is that I am a "bad friend" — triggered by feeling overwhelmed by text messages and not responding right away, then feeling more stressed about doing so the further it gets from the last time we spoke. Sometimes the thought is that I am "bad at *being* a person" — feeling like I struggle to do things that seem to be so easy for other people (I also have been diagnosed with ADHD which I think contributes to that feeling). Sometimes the thought is that I am lazy, or selfish, or one of many hundred other "bad" adjectives and that because of that thing, I am not deserving of love. Shame has been a big part of my life and self-image and it's dragging me down so much. Today the obsession was the thought that I might be a covert or "benign narcissist" and went right to the internet to read about it and try to determine if I am. Often, I seek reassurance from others or by researching things to try to come to a conclusion. Sometimes I watch YouTube videos about internet drama and find myself trying to catalog different rules in my head for what makes a "bad person" and how I can avoid being that way. I feel like I tend to have a black-and-white way of seeing things, and it can be very difficult for me not to label things as bad and therefore to be avoided. I am not trying to seek reassurance now or have anyone tell me that I'm not a bad person, but rather I would just like to know if this resonates with anyone and if you have dealt with similar feelings, what are some things that have helped you to sit with the uncertainty or stop labeling things in such black and white terms? Thank you for reading, and I appreciate any thoughts you may have. ♥️

i’m never going to be able to accept uncertainty with this topic. every time i tried to “accept uncertainty” like people tell you to do, it makes me extremely upset and i’m not able to function normally. i believe that there’s a way to get out of pocd without doing all that accepting uncertainty stuff, because i know that real arousal doesn’t feel like my body’s tricks on me, but everywhere i go is still telling me that i need to accept uncertainty. is this necessary?

This post is going to be really complicated to make, because it genuinely feels like an issue only I have. I have had an addiction to porn and hentai for a long time now. One of my fetishes is one that is literally impossible in real life, so animated content has been something I've regularly consumed for years. My idea on animated characters was, as long as they aren't so obviously a small child, it was easier to just head canon them as an adult, just because that was easier in the long run. I even mentioned this idea to a friend of mine, and they had agreed with me that it was just easier. But now that my POCD has flared up beyond belief, this ideology doesn't... Work, anymore. I'll see an animation or post of a fictional character aged up, and, despite them LOOKING adult now, I can't help but violently panic over it. So then, the classic OCD rumination began. I remember random videos I've watched pertaining to my fetish (which isn't inherently illegal, mind you) and realized just how many videos probably depicted animated minors (Some so obviously did and I'm so confused as to how I didn't realize it.) and I simply never thought about it that hard. I just told myself "yeah these are adults" because that was easy to do. Or I didn't realize that a particular video was fetishizing something horrible because I wasn't focusing on that. And that's only covering my concerns over animated minors. I have seen so many other weird things depicting animals and what have you that I had viewed in pursuit of my specific fetish(s), and then in retrospect I am like, horribly disgusted. I dunno. Maybe I sound insane. But I just feel so gross. I keep looking back at stuff I had watched without really caring, and am now realizing how truly disgusting some of it was. I was so good at separating this stuff from my reality for a while, but now it all feels like proof that I'm attracted to some of the worst possible things. Despite that never being like... The REASON I was watching any of these things.

So my boyfriend and I are trying to stay pure in our relationship we haven’t had any sex or oral sex but we have touched our private parts and in one point it was too too close to climax in my part. I have confessed, repented, talked to mentor for accountability, read the bible, made strict boundaries with my boyfriend but i still feel i sinned and that God will condemned my relationship because of this… is this OCD???? y’all i can’t figure it out

I've been experiencing a very distressing subtype of OCD for quite a while. There have been nights where my intrusive thoughts and anxiety would skyrocket to levels that were extremely uncomfortable, and to say the least, absolutely terrifying. The OCD started attacking a very specific phobia I've had ever since I was a child, thereby increasing my distress levels exponentially. But with the help of free resources available online, I've made substantial progress in the last few months through ERP. I've reached a point where I think my OCD would be best described as a form of "Pure O". Things that helped me were as follows: 1. Learning to identify all types of compulsions. Compulsions can be of several different types. The ones I experienced included hiding objects that would trigger anxiety and cause distressing intrusive thoughts, isolating myself from loved ones, engaging in "checking compulsions", seeking reassurance by constantly researching about OCD online or by talking to AI every time I was distressed, etc. I've experienced mental compulsions too... and mental compulsions are often the hardest to recognize, but they're just as important to address. 2. Completely refusing to take part in performing absolutely ANY type of compulsion Whenever I experienced distressing intrusive thoughts, my OCD would scream at me, forcing me to take part in compulsions like the ones stated above. I decided to go cold-turkey. I let the adrenaline and the cortisol spike as much as they'd like, but I refused to engage with those thoughts, those "commands". My goal was to reach a state of "RADICAL BOREDOM" and "RADICAL NONENGAGEMENT". Refusing to take part in any compulsions was taking a step closer to my final goal of absolute desensitization. I wanted to rewire my neural pathways. I wanted my mind to know that the amygdala's constant screaming wasn't going to hijack my prefrontal cortex. One thing that helped me a lot through this journey was the realization that these thoughts were completely ego dystonic, and absolutely not a reflection of who I was as a person, in essence, what helped me was "externalizing" the thought and detaching it from my identity. 3. Whenever the thoughts popped up again, I completely stopped fighting with them, arguing with them, or trying to prove to myself that I would never do that. OCD demands absolute certainty. But that's impossible. We're not time travellers. And reality is the farthest thing from "certainty". When the distressing thoughts popped up, I let them play out, I let the distressing movie complete itself without trying to turn it off. This eventually desensitized me to those thoughts. I was practicing radical acceptance of whatever my mind threw at me. "Maybe I will, maybe I won't, maybe I like it, maybe I don't. I don't care. I am gonna continue cooking anyways." for example. Whenever the intrusive thought came up, instead of fighting it, or arguing with it, or doing anything to engage with it, I let it play out and scream as much as it liked. Doing this eventually desensitized me to distressing thoughts. They are still uncomfortable, but they have stopped causing me the severe anxiety and distress they used to. We need to teach ourselves that we are absolutely capable of tolerating distress, uncomfort, anxiety and most importantly, uncertainty. Do not confuse non-engagement with ignorance. Ignoring OCD-like symptoms is a mistake. That just makes your mind panic more, "If she's trying so hard to ignore this thought, that means it's something dangerous that needs immediate attention. Flood her mind with it." OCD is a real condition that happens to real people. Thank you for reading through.

I have my initial appointment next week. Since I've scheduled it I've been obsessed with googling and researching whether or not I really have OCD. When I'm not questioning whether or not I have it, I'm re reading all the welcome emails and re reading the therapists profile. What if this is just all in my head and I'm overexaggerating like my family used to always say. What if I can't stop the ruminating? What if I fail at healing? The closer we get to the appointment the more overwhelming it feels. It's either overwhelmed or I convince myself it isn't happening and forget about it.... but once I remember it's happening I'm back on reddit and Google. So... am I faking it?

Its my birthday today... and I can't even celebrate it because I have a physics exam to study for, and I'm so depressed and stressed over everything going on in my life... my pocd especially is keeping me up at night... What if you did something so extremely monstrous. disgusting, awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were genuinely extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and vomit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible... (edited)

So me and my boyfriend usually have a sleep over once a week and we see each other a couple more times a week cause we work together. This week I spent 2 nights with him because they’re doing construction at my house (really my parents house) we also worked the World Cup game at the bar we worked at yesterday and it was super busy, I walked 4. 4 miles just at work serving drinks and food. So after that I spent the night at his house and we banged lol even tho I was dead tired. I mean I enjoyed it but this morning I was feeling just kinda tired and grouchy and I decided to go home cause I needed some me time. Ofc that was triggering for my OCD, and I knew what was happening in my brain, the whole drive home my brain was wanting to pull me into rumination, overthinking about what that means about the future of our relationship.. It’s so exhausting and I wanna throw up lol. But hey, the show goes on. We are coming up on 2 years together August and my birthday is in July so yay

Throughout the day, I have had intrusive thoughts and images involving masc-presenting women, and I keep questioning whether I am secretly attracted to them or if this means my sexuality has changed. I noticed that when I see masc or tomboy-presenting women on social media (Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, YouTube), my brain sometimes creates scenarios involving them. When this happens, I often feel a mix of anxiety, panic, and confusing bodily sensations such as warmth, “cozy” feelings, or a drop/heavy feeling in my chest or stomach. These sensations feel very real and intense in the moment, which increases my fear that it means something about my identity. During these tests, I sometimes feel a brief sensation of warmth or what feels like attraction, but it is usually followed by panic, confusion, and overthinking. I then try to analyze whether the feeling was real attraction or not, which increases my anxiety. I also notice similar reactions when I see men I find attractive. I can feel attraction toward men (for example, finding muscular male bodies attractive), but OCD makes me question my reactions afterward or compare them to reactions I had with women.

I can’t even type the word without freaking out. I’ve had different ocd habits but this is a new one for me. I had surgery for appendicitis. It was one of the freakiest days of my life. appendicitis is a common surgery so I was completely fine afterwards. But that day I was convinced I wasn’t gonna be okay. The surgery went well and I was able to go home the same day I felt calm after. Fast forward a couple days later I started having chest pains I went back to the hospital I had convinced myself again I wasn’t gonna be okay. they did a ct scan blood test ekg they all came back normal. I waited 8 hours for them to tell me it’s anxiety. Anxiety and ocd. Now I almost constantly feel like I have to check in with myself to make sure I’m healthy. And I fixate over making the “right choice” like “dont touch this object with your right hand otherwise something negative will happen” things like that, that make me feel like everything I do will cause a butterfly effect/the ocd talking, so I have to make sure it’s the correct action. I have these thoughts throughout the day and it’s been so exhausting like I can’t make a decision without feeling like it’s the wrong one. I’ve noticed it’s made me feel so hopeless. At night it feels hard to breath because I get panic attacks and that freaks me out but then it goes away and I can breathe norm again. But this constant feeling of uncertainty and anxiety exhaustion from compulsions just makes me feel hopeless. I’ve been able to get myself out of ocd habits in the past, this current one has just been so heavy

ive noticed lately that social media, especially instagram, has been really triggering my anxiety lately. it just feels like an overwhelming amount of information to take in and ive been catching myself using informational posts on social issues as a way to do mental compulsions regarding my morality. i feel a little guilty needing to skip those posts because i do personally really value social justice and political activism - its just so much. im trying to find alternatives to just doomscrolling on social media seeing bad things happening as a way to stay politically informed and active.

Does anyone here have advice for Religious scruples?

i had been hoping after talking with my girlfriend yesterday a little about whats been bothering me i would start to feel better about my past mistakes but today has been a lottttt of up and down for me emotionally i had a panic attack over intrusive thoughts regarding my real event at work this morning. i thought i had been doing better too so it was a discouraging setback. it hit so suddenly it was like i couldn’t stop the thoughts from overwhelming me then later i was able to focus on things a little bit. for the first time in over a week i have been able to experience thoughts without forcing me into rumination. being able to push away the urge to replay memories and question what the people around me think was such a relief even if short lived i came home exhausted and decided to journal bc i have been so stressed about getting approved for an apartment. when i journal i really just let my thoughts pour out onto the page and then after i think everything is out i try to put a positive perspective on what is stressing me out. it helped me for a little bit but its been a couple hours and im starting to feel overwhelmed again but this time for a new reason i ended up getting things sorted with the apartment complex and will hopefully be signing a lease tomorrow! however i feel an ache in my chest from guilt over the apartment i am going with. i feel so privileged to be able to move out on my own straight out of college. but i feel as if i dont deserve what i am about to get. why do i get to have my own apartment? why do i get to have financial support from my family? what does it say about me to have such material privilege yet to still struggle so much mentally? aside from ocd im also diagnosed with bpd from a toxic home life growing up, and cptsd, also from the home environment as well as two traumatic relationships during college. i just dont understand why someone like me would struggle with these things because when i compare what made me develop these conditions to what made the other people i know develop these conditions i feel as if i have been through significantly less than them. so why am i like this??? i just dont understand

Hey y’all, I’m kind of curious if anyone else feels this way because I can’t quite phrase it in a way that can be easily searchable on Google. I feel pretty alone in it and figured I’d ask. The quickest way I can explain it is with House MD. In House MD, House is unable to leave things as they are. He has a very obsessive need for answers, and does quite literally anything to get them regardless of their moral implications. Similarly, I find that I struggle to “drop” certain topics unless I get an answer that I feel is concise and explains everything. I will go to great lengths to figure these things out, even if it feels invasive or bizarre. I hate this. This doesn’t just include questions like “does my family truly love me?”, or even “why did so and so call me picky? Picky in what exact way?” This can include things like learning about particular people as much as I can. High school, birthplace, even as far as to find out their address. I’ve taken friends’ phones to search my name in messages, and have looked through people’s various social medias to find random usernames they tend to go by. I feel as if I must figure people out by knowing things about them. I’m not entirely sure what drives me to do this other than a strong curiosity, but ultimately I feel disgusted by it. Despite this, I can’t stop myself. It feels compulsive, like I must do it. The questions linger in my head and make me feel sick if I don’t. Today, this extended to something unprecedented. I discovered random, honestly unimportant files on people I deem interesting, and found myself unable to stop myself from digging through them. I left feeling disgusted, not only because I did this bizarre and invasive thing, but because I still felt dissatisfied with what I found. The information I saw kept playing in my head over and over like a recording, I’m disturbed. I’m not sure how to stop, and am very confused and irritated by this.

I can’t even get into it. I just want friends in real life. Online friendships seem to be transactional for others, as well as the friends I did have in real life. I have 2 good friends whom I met in 2013 who are better friends than anyone I met in real life, granted I didn’t have a normal adolescence into / adulthood due to my OCD isolating me for the past 5 years. Social media is toxic and collects your data, dating apps are predatory and non personal, I don’t use them. The forum thing on this app is simply a double edged sword. I see regulars post the same stuff every week just to have me give a lengthy insightful answer and myself be ignored, or everyone on the app doesn’t reply to someone literally in distress. And imagine how they feel. Please for the love of God just go outside and just stay outside. I ONLY have a facebook which my OCD doesn’t even like because I hope someone just reaches out to me. I’m done initiating shit online. In person I do great, but as soon as I’m online it feels like the world is out to get me. And it’s not. It’s just the nature of how the internet works. For people chronically on this app compulsively posting, and not using the therapy on here: get off. Get offline, I need to get offline. You will not find peace doing what I did. I can’t regularly get outside due to my living situation, and I’m partially to blame. but maybe you can. I’ve never felt as alone as I do when I’m around people. Especially online. This paired with my childhood cats dying, I’m mad. And I’ve let people step on me my whole life because I never was shown a healthy friendship until a little under a year ago, which is unfortunately online. I cry a lot. Like once every other day, over my cats or the grief I have from other people. Just get outside 😭😭 You will not find the peace online as you can in real life.

Have any of you guys had a relationship where you love your partner so much you wanna get married toiletries attracted and all the things, but you wuestion whether you want to have his kids? Like legit I have no reaosn why not other than maybe it's bc I already worry over my sexual feelings and desires towards him period. Like I love him I have no doubts about him, but the moment marriage and kids are mentioned i feel like i dont have the right feelings so I have done this for like a year and a half and I still dont have them. Ive broken down into tears out of indecision.

Hey, I'm new to this app I just found out about it, I really need help. Everyday for the entire day it feels like a nightmare, I wake up, open my eyes, and immediately feel like my existence gets stuck in a tunnel. Everything feels 2d and I'm scared that I'm hallucinating everything, almost like a Boltzmann brain. I feel 100% detached from the world, I'm scared this is a simulation and I'm the only real person. I don't know what I am, where I am, what this is, I feel completely lost. I am so scared of existing and death, there is no safe space. I'm scared this is a simulation because then when I die someone can just unplug it and I will be gone forever, completely erased. It seems like society is all zombies just working all day, watching shows, achieving "goals" that mean nothing, but I do the same thing, so what is there to do? Even if everyone was "real" in the sense that they have a consciousness, they aren't. If there isn't a "soul" or a "god" then we are all just chemicals, atoms and neurons, and whatever other materialistic things that make up the universe. Love, feelings, happiness, thoughts, aren't real. They are just chemicals and atoms. We are all "zombies" Which would then mean everything that I feel isn't real either which makes me feel empty and alone, I want things to be real. I wish I could feel like everything's okay but I don't. And I truly think it is. I wish god was real or some type of creator with good intentions but all religion seems man-made. I don't know anything and nobody does, all I can feel is fear. I'm scared of death and I'm scared to live, to exist or not to exist is terrifying. As I'm writing this I feel completely detached, I'm confused and scared. It feels like some distorted movie that I'm looking at. I don't feel like I'm experiencing it - it's just happening. It feels so surreal that I can see anything, and I am existing at this very moment. I wish I knew what I'm experiencing but I don't have an answer, I wish someone had an answer. I'm scared of the universe when I die what's going to happen, just nothing forever? I don't want to be nothing forever, but I don't want to be something forever, forever is terrifying. Everything seems scary and I don't know what I want. That whole text above is what I wrote in my journal - that's how I feel. For backstory, I've had these thoughts since I was 10. I started thinking about death and the universe and I started freaking out, this lasted for around 6 months. I was put on Zoloft and I was on it for 5 years until this year, 8 months ago I stopped it cold turkey, I read that it affected height, and I'm short which also has something to do with my depression and isolation. This whole year I've been home all the time, I don't go to school, barely see friends, I've basically been bed rotting the past year. The Zoloft helped for 2 years, although when I think back I was still scared of everything, and I don't know when my dpdr started. But I think it really went downhill last summer I smoked weed for the first time with my cousin and had a panic attack, I thought I was going to die, my chest was warm, my body got tingly, and that started another existential problem for me. It then feels like a blur since then. Around a month and a half ago I was up all night, I drank an energy drink and I was standing in the living room with my mom and I thought how I felt so disconnected from everything, I went back to my room and my heart rate went to the sky, I had a crazy panic attack, went to the ER, and ever since then it's been getting worse and worse. I went to a new psychiatrist 2 weeks ago he prescribed me Prozac, hydroxyzine, and propranolol, when I went to the ER they told me I had an irregular heartbeat and I read online I shouldn't take those medications while on it. So everyday I was checking myself, my heart would feel weird, I would freak out, and go to the ER. I've been to the ER twice since I had the panic attack 2 months ago. I'm scared I'm going to lose my mind, my uncle and grandpa both had schizophrenia, I'm scared that the weed might have brought it out and I'm becoming schizophrenic. I just started therapy 2 weeks ago, I'm not sure what kind of therapy and if he specializes in cases like mine. I want to switch therapists. I also see videos on TikTok that freak me out, like an illuminati conspiracy theory and all the comments are talking about how we're in a simulation, I saw one video that used science and a study to prove that we're in a simulation and that still stuck with me. There's more I could write but this is getting wayyy too long, I just need help, I'm very scared and very confused.