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I feel so defeated by the therapy process. I haven’t gotten anywhere. Just needed to talk about it

Hi, I’ve joined this app as I have started to experience persistent relationship doubts and if I love my partner anymore. I’m aware in myself I love my partner and want us to be together but the thoughts are so strong I feel as though I’m fighting with my head and my heart as my feelings are numb as I’m checking too often and I’m so scared and anxious of the thoughts being true as I cannot stop thinking about it because it’s so important to me but they’re starting to come as statements which is so scary, I just want to work it out . I know I’m making it worse by going over and over but I can’t get the fear out of my head , any advice or anyone to speak to who has felt the same would really be appreciated, Thankyou.

Pissed of bc I have to write this shit again 😭. This will be all over the place sorry. So if you check out my other posts you would see I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for a long time. I am also currently dealing with ROCD now that I am in a new relationship. What a fun and exciting combination 😀!! I think my relationship is a major exposure for me and it’s been a very interesting time. I’ve known my boyfriend for a very long time and he’s been a very close friend for many years. Before we got into a relationship I wasn’t really dealing with much intrusive thoughts (i was avoiding everything) or anxiety and my feelings/attraction towards him were so clear to me. Our relationship is pretty new and it’s been great and also so fucking hard. Basically, anxiety and ocd are trying to beat my ass. Even though things have been hard for me, I have decided to follow the advice I was given on one of my posts, which is to continue living. I have literally made it my MISSION to reclaim my life. I already know my compulsions are rumination, reassurance seeking, and mental checking of emotions, feelings, attraction, arousal, etc. When I’m with him I try my best to stay in the moment, stop mentally checking, stop ruminating, and all that. Although i’m definitely not 100% successful, and I do catch myself doing those things a LOT, I always end up having a great time and the dates are always so sweet. Since i’ve been dealing with SOOCD since I was 15, my past relationship was pretty traumatic for me. My ex was a terrible boyfriend and it was a stupid high school/early college years relationship. I was always subconsciously checking my emotions, feelings, attraction, and arousal around/for him ALL THE TIME which made being with him scary and it felt like my intrusive thoughts were right. Especially since I was extremely depressed, rarely found anyone attractive, had a low libido (still deal with last two/read older posts to get better understanding of where I am w ocd), and I never enjoyed/felt anything when we were intimate. This makes me check everything around my boyfriend now. I’m trying to follow the great advice I got on my last post, and I’m trying my best to stop my compulsions when i notice myself doing them, continue to kiss, hold hands, and hangout. I’m also trying my best to sit with any discomfort/anxiety i experience (which is a lot). I try to stay in the moment (not always successful) and when I do I always really enjoying the dates. The hangouts have been so sweet and have given me a lot of hope that I can get through this. When i’m with him it’s easier for me to be a bit less anxious (even tho i check a lot i can remain calm) but when im away i literally go insane. TMI but we’re already discussing being intimate and im so afraid that i wont feel anything when it happens and it will make me numb to him. I’m always wondering, what if i don’t really like him? what if my intrusive thoughts are right? most of the time you can’t fully enjoy the kisses what if you don’t enjoy s*x? what if that completely ruins your friendship and relationship? yk the usual. I also had a horrible anxiety spike right now because he crossed a boundary he doesn’t know i have, and instead of thinking, “yeah it’s normal he did that especially since i was ok with it during our friendship.” I immediately became extremely anxious and start to think, what if this changes the way i feel about him/see him? what if i can’t feel anything for him anymore? what if this ruins out relationship? what if i feel nothing when we kiss or start to get intimate? what if im lying to myself? what if im not attracted to him at all and all my intrusive thoughts are right? what if all i can feel is anxiety the next time i see him (i thought this before the last time we hung out and i was fine 🧍‍♀️crazy how my brain is)? the usual shit. I’m trying to hard to continue living with this and it’s so fucking annoying!!! It’s so scary and i’m still struggling but im also so fucking proud of myself. I might feel like shit most of the time but this is nothing compared to how i felt when i was younger. I was so miserable and i hated living. I remember balling on my bed feeling so helpless that i started to pray to a god i don’t believe in to help me. As I type this the fear is going away (fuck the groinal response tho idk why it always shows up when im anxious) and I feel more and more hope. I’m going to continue trying to stop my compulsions and continue sitting with the discomfort. I’m already looking for a therapist on here. I know this will definitely not be easy but bitch IM READYYYYY im feeling scared AND motivated. I know this is all over the place but if you read this thank you. I rmbr my grandma telling me a mexican saying like “when you feel hopeless you need to get up, take the bull by the horns, and push” and yeah she’s right I WILL BE DOING THATTTTTT!!! I’m so over this shit but idc I’m going to live my life 😭!! Anyways If you have any tips PLEASSEEEE share them with me!!

I love my generation (I'n Gen Z), but I feel like we lack so much nuance. I find it really stressful. I feel like on social media, I just see black and white thinking. It's really odd too because I see a lot of people make hypocritical statements too. For example, someone will say that ChatGBT should never be used because of its environmental harm but they also use TikTok that causes a LOT of environmental harm too. I don't use ChatGBT, but I wanted more insight into this anyway and I found that both users release a lot of carbon. So, I think its weird for people on TikTok to judge a user who might be asking a few questions when they spend hours scrolling which easily causes significant environmental harm. (Note: one ChatGBT question is 0.3-4 grams of CO2 and one minute on Tik Tok is 2 grams of CO2; meaning 10 ChatGBT questions is at most 40 grams of CO2 but thirty minutes of TikTok is 60 grams of CO2-- the average teen spends 4.5 hours on TikTok) Also, just people saying if you do "XYZ you're bad!" or videos "exposing" another person, but then also claim to care a lot about being open-minded, understanding, or internet safety. I think its really stressful because it feels confusing to hear someone say "This is bad!" but then they also do the exact same thing in another way. It makes me feel confused about what I do in my day to day life. Is anyone else also stressed about this and feel like its making them sick or their OCD flare up?

My OCD is playing whack a mole but I can’t even tell if it’s OCD anymore or if I’m just a horrible person. I made a joke when my friend mentioned a video game and I replied “gooner game” and then went “just kidding” (me and one of my friends in that group typically joke like this) My other friend said “eww” and started laughing, and even if the vibes were lighthearted I now I feel like I’m a weird creep. I’m worried I should have kept my mouth shut bc the other friend is younger than me (they’re not a minor). And even then, I feel like I still majorly overstepped and feel gross. Esp because im the oldest of the group and I should be leading by example. I’m so grossed out at myself for saying such an awful thing. I’m spiraling yet again. Ugh

Everyday I’m faced with different issues. I live in another state, but had to come home for a loss in the family. With dealing with the loss, now I’m having to deal with overworking after getting off work (WFH) to ensure my mother’s home remains clear of bed bugs left over from visiting family members that keep coming over to check on us. WTFFF! I’m exhausted when I get off work and these SAME family members’ keep showing up. Mom has politely talked to them about it by which they all started blaming the other and being in denial about the bugs being in their room, but instead in another member’s room (it’s a family of 9 people living in a 4 bedroom house). They have had these bed bugs for YEARSSSSS and that’s why I stopped visiting them. Whenever I did visit it wasn’t long at all and I stood up the entire time even after they constantly offer me a seat. We’ve told them about the bugs twice and it’s like they’re just disregarding what we are saying. They show up with their purses sitting all over the couch. Moving from the couch to the dining room table chairs just honestly all over the house. I feel sorry for them, but tired of having to keep steam cleaning every day they come over. I’ve offered to help them clean their place and they say okay, but never tell me when to come. How are they constantly getting bit by bugs and it’s not effecting? Is it possible to become immune to their bites? Well this is my mom’s home and I’m doing the best to keep it clean while I’m here, but the countdown is on until I go back home. If she don’t put her foot down and not worry about their feelings her house is going to be full infested like theirs. How would you handle this situation?

Alright so basically i have major attachment and jealousy issues to the point where i don’t really have any friends because of how clingy i am. i currently have a boyfriend and im trying to be better at it by not asking him to always be with me and give him space when he needs it and not complain about it all the time when he hangs out with friends. I get even very jealous of his dogs and family, obviously ive not told him that but i really am. Today me and my boyfriend were hanging out together on a game when his sister joined, i tried to not say anything but then i got that really bad gut feeling that i was gonna cry about it and i felt so bad if i asked to play something else. So i told him calmly that if he wanted to play a game or hang out with her thats okay and he told me he wanted to be with the both of us so i just told him that i dont do well in groups, even with my own sisters im terrible at groups i get all weird and clingy. So then he got a bit upset because he thought i was upset about her so i told him that i wasnt and that its completely okay and that its his sister and i understand that. Now he’s currently frustrated at me while im silently upset. I dont know what to do i know what i feel is wrong but i cant help it. Ive talked to him about my issues alot with the clinginess and he said he doesn’t mind but then there was a time he told me to back off being clingy so i did and then he wanted back and its so frustrating and confusing i dont know what to do.

I am learning to shift my center of awareness from trying to control my obsessions to observing my obsessions…the art of detachment. When it comes to OCD, we need to no longer identify with the mind and instead zoom out as the observer…not a critic or judger of the mind who needs to figure it out, control it, fear it, feed it, but simply observe it. From there, our freedom lays. This is the gift of developing sacred presence. Not losing ourselves in intrusive thoughts, but transmuting them into presence, awareness, and choice…the choice of compassion in the face of compulsion, courage in the face of uncertainty, and love in the face of fear. Anyone else practicing this type of detachment from the intrusive thoughts and shifting into the observer of the mind instead of prisoner of the mind?

When I'm around that person (sister), I constantly have images of the sexy type and a feeling that I like it.

I am so incredibly tired of living life in fear. I’m in constant fear that I’m going to have a heart attack or stroke. I’m hyper aware of every sensation in my body and I’m in constant fight or flight. I’m exhausted and I just want to be normal. I received a Covid vaccine Saturday because im afraid of getting Covid but now I’m worried about the vaccine making me sick. I know it won’t I’ve had them before but my mind is just in obsessive mode. I want a good nights rest but now I’m crying and scared because I don’t feel good. I’m just so sick of life being so hard. I want to enjoy it. But then I spiral and I’m crying because I’m worried about being alone in life. Thankfully I have my mom now but I worry about the future. I’ve tried erp twice here and just can’t feel like it’s helping. I’m working with a therapist now and we are doing DBT plus starting erp. I’m nervous it won’t work again. I’m doomed to feel this way the rest of my life. It’s been almost 2 years of this constant fear, worry, and spiral. And when it’s not the health anxiety it’s awful intrusive thoughts that make me feel like a monster.

I’m going to be very vulnerable in the post which is hard because I’m very ashamed of myself. I started a retail job last year in July when I was 18. I had worked as a server for like 3 months prior when I was 17. These two jobs were the first jobs I’ve ever had. My boyfriend and I had also just switched to long distance after about a year of knowing each other and 6 months of dating. Moving here is when my Rocd really started. I worked with people who I found attractive and it really freaked me out having to be near these people everyday and having to interact with them. I had never been in a position like that before ever and this is also my first real relationship. I was in one for like 6 months prior but that wasn’t as serious. I’ve always been insecure and I’ve always cared what others thought of me. I was also so used to being ugly and I was finally pretty. I started caring what cute people thought of me and I’d change the way I walked and my mannerisms to appear more attractive I guess. Once I started my retail job, a specific coworker would go out of his way everyday to interact with me. I found him attractive so I found it really difficult to interact with him and I didn’t really like it. I was mean but in a playful way and that’s how most of our interactions went. Somewhere along the way I became obsessed with the fact that I might’ve cheated or maybe I flirted or maybe I did something wrong and crossed a boundary. I went out of the way to interact with this coworker once by checking out as his register. I also cared about what he thought in regard to my appearance. I never complimented him, exchanged socials, or did anything to make myself seem single, at least that’s what I thought. I never talked about my boyfriend to him either though. It wasn’t because I wanted to appear single, i just didn’t know how to bring it up in a way that wasn’t weird. I wasn’t sure if he would flirt with me or if he was just being playful. He never said anything blatantly flirty. This made me spiral so bad that I ended up shaving my head and eyebrows to make myself ugly, then I went to the hospital. After I came back, he stoped talking to me. I did go out of my way once to talk about my boyfriend and that was like our last interaction. He didn’t even know that I had one. I did tell my boyfriend about this coworker and our interactions though. I told my boyfriend I might’ve had a crush. I’m not sure why I did that but my confessing was out of control. Then a new coworker came and I also found him cool and attractive. I’d basically be myself x10 and I’d try to be more noticeable. I wanted him to think I was cool and attractive and I wanted to be noticed which I know was wrong. I’d make my jokes louder, try to dress a little cooler, I’d draw at my register but I’d try to make it noticeable or maybe I just hoped he’d notice idk. Once I had realized I was attention seeking I completely tried to stop, to the point where I was overly aware of every single thing I did. I honestly struggled working or interacting with any guy at my work. I feel like I just convinced myself these people were attractive sometimes and I’d always become super aware of my mannerisms and I’d try to do everything in a more attractive way. My pocd also started to get really bad. It was too much to handle so I decided to apply for a job where mainly, if not only, women worked. My mental health was literally in the gutter. I’d go to the bathroom multiple times during my shifts, I’d always check my Reddit posts, I’d feel sick for days and I wouldn’t eat. Once I started my new job I noticed a big change in my mental health. I’m so much better now though I have days where I still feel sick or still feel like a horrible girlfriend/person. The problem is, I only work like 10hrs a week and I need to save up for so many things. I literally can’t afford anything right now. I’ve been applying for second jobs but I haven’t heard anything back from any place I’ve applied to over the course of 2 months and I’ve applied to so many. My old job offered me a full time position and I was only working part time when I worked there. I’d get better pay, more money, and better benefits. My boyfriend and I have also been discussing us moving in together and if I went back to my old job, we might actually be able to afford it. I just know that my mental health will be at a horrible risk though. I can’t imagine working in an environment with mostly men again, men my age. I’m scared I’ll start attention seeking and stuff again or I’ll find people attractive again. I don’t want to feel sick every day again. I’m just not sure what to do. I still attention seek whenever walking by an attractive person, like I’ll try to seem more attractive. I don’t know how to stop. I genuinely don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to like experiment or date other people. I want to be loyal and marry my boyfriend. We have so much in common and he’s such a good man.

So my therapist told me to start telling myself every time I have an intrusive thought just say oh there’s that thought again, and don’t try to figure it out or do mental compulsions. Well our usual tactic of “there’s that thought/feeling again” is not working at all this morning. This morning I was having really bad anxiety, it hits hardest in the morning when I am lying in bed with my son and I know the thoughts could come at any minute. Well they did, and I immediately was like no please just think of anything else. Well in pushing away the thoughts, I had this really weird feeling like I couldn’t decipher between reality and images. I was just getting flashes of images that felt so real. Even though I could physically feel my body and know I wasnt engaging in the thought or acting on it. It was like a flash of anxiety that hit and I couldn’t tell what was real and wasn’t. So of course my mind starts trying to figure that feeling out and if what I was thinking about just happened. And no matter how many times I’ve tried to say there’s that thought/feeling again, I can’t let it go. I was physically conscious and could feel my body but mentally I couldn’t. It’s so weird and hard to explain. But I’ve been doubting and second guessing that moment all morning and I’m in a bad spiral, again. 😭 it’s like every time I think I’m moving forward I get sucked back in and feel like I can’t practice my tools anymore. I don’t know what I should do 😩

Hi, My OCD tells me that everything I do is a compulsion and that even seeking help means I am doing a compulsion and I will be stuck forever. So that’s a really fun subtype. Yay.

It’s been a minute since I have been on here. I did get NOOCD therapist session a while back to verify if I really had OCD. I was told it sounded like I had “just right” OCD. Of course, temporary relief only with that confirmation which are two professional takes on my situation. You think that would be enough for my brain. If I detect even the slightest doubt in someone’s voice on my ADHD/OCD diagnosis then It messes with me. I lost my Dad last month. I was taking care of him the best I could but I replay events. HOWEVER, I am on Adderall and when it quiets my default brain network I handle life without crying. I think about what I am doing but as it wears off then I am back to thinking about everything I don’t want to think about. Adderall for me confuses me if it’s right. Especially, when so much of my life is still a disorganized mess. I think it’s making me kinda detached from people. I don’t know that I feel things the way I should be that’s healthy. What breaks through the Adderall in my mind is I default to questioning my diagnosis again. I use to not believe I had ADHD, then didn’t believe I had OCD. I fully accepted ADHD but now I am questioning if it’s actually all OCD after all and being medicated completely wrong. I notice this has gotten worse, plus I am doing this gathering of things. People gave me or I found a great deal on. All with the intention of listing on eBay YET nothings organized and when I sit down to list then nothing happens. I can’t get things in my environment or mind just right to list. I get hung up on photos not being good enough plus everything else with double checking my entries being right. Then I don’t list because I doubt it’s good enough. I had this problem before my Dad passed away but everything’s off the charts right now I guess. My mother called me a hoarder. I have accumulated things faster than my abilities to organize and sell them has occurred but at least it’s all in a shop and not my house. She’s always been the worst for my self esteem. I guess I am mainly just venting here. I am sure OCD would flare up worse after loss of a parent. I just feel like the wheels have come off and don’t know how to gain control.

there is this guy in my university. i think he looks good. but since im so afraid of liking someone else, everytime i see him i have wild intrusive thoughts about him. everytime he looks at me i imagine the tension. i hate it so much i hate him so much. yesterday, i saw him look at me multiple times but i avoided the thought. after a while, the picture of him wanting me desperately came to mind again and i thought “what if he liked me and what if he came and told me that i want a relationship with you” and i imagined that. i instantly got pulled and felt like id wanna be with him. like really really wanna be with him. and simultaneously i was terrified of thinking that so in the back of my mind i was screaming NO NO DONT THINK THIS and it felt like i was falling off from a building. but i thought it again and i had the same feeling. I love my boyfriend to death, i feel like im betraying him. Am i? I realized after days of rumination, that I had no reason for my attraction. Its not like I had any kind of physical bodily attraction. I thought the face was nice. But I didn’t even know the person. Why would I feel such a strong urge to be with someone I don’t even know? I thought it was invalid, but I strongly think it is because I have projected a personality on him that I would want to be with. He held a meeting today. Hes my colleague in a club. I was in the meeting. For the first half hour, I was stressed because I hadn’t written down a thought I had previously had. I was doing my work simultaneously. I was talking to people simultaneously. When I paid attention to the guy, I thought “yeah see he’s just a normal person, plus he has an ugly voice” the minute I thought this, I turned into a fan girl of his fully and I loved the voice I felt like I had a crush. And then I panicked. I moved past it. After a while, while he was talking, a little girl screamed in the background. I immediately pictured his younger sister. Like I pictured him having a sister and she looked kindof yk like him. Basically my first instinct was oh she might be so cute. See I think he looks nice, so I kinda pictured him having a sister who was pretty and all cute like how he looked. And then I flipped out while at the same time getting a one second black out, after which I had flashes and images of him being a father and me being attracted to that. I just got random flashes of images and I felt attracted to that I think. Im not too sure. I don’t remember any feeling/ thought/ order at all. It kept on replaying in my head and while contemplating about it I thought it is probably cuz I don’t know anything about their personal lives so it feels enticing to know that they have a personal life beyond work(since they’re professional connections.). After this, I had a billion other thoughts of this sort. “why am I still thinking of him” “does this mean I like him” “who thinks that” *replaying the thought over and over* “maybe he likes me” all these situational thoughts. I can’t even ground myself by thinking about love for my bf. “I love him I want him so bad” “no you don’t” “he’s the best” “you don’t really think that” “how will u handle ur life other guys ur relationship ur hectic schedulel” “fuck up” “these thoughts r supposed to be normal” “its just attraction” “attraction for so long? Everytime u see him?” “youre gonna try to downplay the thoughts like u always do” “this is not normal” I just froze there crying till I couldn’t breathe for 45 minutes. Next morning, I woke up thinking its just something that is not important, I love my boyfriend so much I should put my energy here. I was then called in for a meeting. I pictured the guy just being in university and I felt like normal softness towards him, I got pulled. And then after a while I saw his fair through the online meeting I was worried ill think something wrong. Then I heard him talk to a girl and I was worried ill think im jealous and get jealous. Then after avoiding the thought for a while I got the thought, I felt like I was jealous. But at the same time I was so anxious because I didn’t wanna think like this. And after that I saw him again and I pictured me being with him there next to him in a flash and then I got anxiety and I’m here now.

We've been together for nearly 6 months now, but our start wasn't easy. We began as friends who both liked each other but also liked someone else more. I made the conscious decision to let go of that person, but it was not the same on his side. He didn't know that I liked him back, and had absolutely no inkling that he ever had a chance, so at one point he openly told me that he found her more attractive than me because he thought it wouldn't matter since I "didn't like him anyway." He doesn't even remember that conversation but profusely apologized for saying something so dehumanizing and thoughtless when I eventually brought it up. At one point I even told him to ask her out before we continued further (after I finally confessed) because I convinced myself he'd resent me if he didn't fully explore that option. He thought that was unusual and hated that I may think of myself as a second option (not remembering that he himself had basically already put me in that position), but did it because I was so insistent. These things only became relevant again when I told him to stop calling me "the prettiest girl in the world" a while ago. I don't have a lack of confidence in my looks whatsoever, it's more-so my personality that I worry about, but whenever he said that it would make me so angry because I already knew of someone he thought was prettier. Especially because that comment he said so mindlessly that he even forgot about it, replays in my head so often. He's started saying it again recently, now that we've said our I love you's and are publicly an item to everyone we know. I almost found myself really believing it because I know he loves me. It was fine up until she returned from vacation and now stays in the same building as him, while I'm still stuck at home until it's time to return for the semester. She's been gone the entire time that our bond deepened, but now I'm constantly bothering myself with thoughts of secret insincerity on his part. That now that she's back he'll be enamored by her all over again. That he only likes me so much because she wasn't in the picture. That he'll leave me for her the second he gets a chance even though I know she has no interest. I just feel the need to get this off my chest because I don't want to tell anyone around us and risk them disliking him over something he's deeply apologized for that I should rationally know he doesn't believe anymore. I don't really want to bring it up with him either, for fear of coming off as overly jealous or territorial now that she's back, but I have a tendency to torment myself with misinterpretation of his feelings unless I directly speak with him about it unfortunately. I'll end up brainstorming how to approach it eventually, but it feels so icky right now.

In the past 2-3 years ive been having extremely distressing thoughts that for a year(towards the beginning of when it started) made me have extreme panic attacks every day and I was extremely miserable 24/7. The thoughts relate to pure ocd and pocd. It happened literally out of no where one day and it hasnt stopped since(it has slowly tapered down or i just got used to it to an extent) I have a thought and i begin to feel overwhelmingly anxious and horrible in general. I begin to question myself as a person. Not sure if im something that I dont ever want to be in a trillion years but never able to truly answer myself. I spend every day an hour and a half minimum looking up ocd symptoms to alleviate the mental anguish and questioning im going through sometimes it can be as long as 4 hours. Im not sure if this is just extreme anxiety but it hasn't stopped for years. Strange thing though is sometimes the severity of my struggle gets extremely bad ranging from a day to a year at a time and then other times its less severe to where I dont feel like its taking over my life unless my trigger (if I really do have ocd) is reminded to me but no matter how severe it gets Its always lingering over the back of my shoulder and can show up at any time. One thing I can say is ive dealt with sever anxiety since I was thirteen to where I would have panic attacks every day (18 now, symptoms for ocd started at around 15) and the level of anxiety I have now related to what im experiencing now is on an unbelievably higher level than what I used to have. Is it possible I could have ocd? If it is possible, does it sound like mine is severe? Or on a lower more treatable level. Please help I dont want to live like this anymore

Okay so like im completely new here and I was kinda hoping to find out if i do have OCD because I’ve heard things about it and Im like “hey i have that quality too” and i don’t wanna just assume i have it n all. Its just starting to become an obsession because people keep telling me i have OCD and Autistic qualities and tendencies but idk if i really am or if im over thinking it or just going completely mental lol.

This is more under gender identity ocd but maybe someone will find it. I’m just kinda in a googling spiral rn Questions like: What does it mean to feel being your gender If I like taking pictures of me in makeup or without (and usually sending it to my bf) and my pretty outfits is that euphoria? How do I know if like being a woman? Autistic women and gender? (Idk I think I might be autistic and I keep seeing autistic women saying they feel like gender less aliens. Idk if I get that feeling. I love being a woman but I can’t tell if I feel it? Does that make sense?) Gender euphoria meaning and examples Am I depressed cuz im meant to be a man or is it cuz im burnt out If I dress masculine does that make me a man? (I never dress masculine ever. Maybe tomboyish? But like. Feminine tomboy if that makes sense. Think like. Skater girl. But that’s once in a blue moon. I live in cardigans and jeans a lot of the time (when I have patience to dress up) or joggers and a snoopy sweater I love) Has society forced me to be a woman? Is it ok to feel neutral some days being a woman or do I have to be excited all the time (answer is I can feel neutral yes) Is it burnout/depression or am I trans I genuinely have no desire to be a man. But im worried that there’s something hidden. Im worried there’s dysphoria hidden or a trait or smthn that I haven’t noticed. Or im gonna be one of those people who transitions in 20 years time at 40. Im worried im suppressing smthn. I used to be a big tomboy, thought I was a boy for a while, but grew out of it once I got to high school, idk if that was a puberty thing or a me finally feeling good about myself being away from my bullied thing or a society forcing me to act more like a girl thing. I never wore the kilt we had (catholic high school lol. Hated the thing) I just didn’t like it. I still don’t really wear skirts cuz I don’t like having my legs out unless I’m with someone I’m close to (like my bf) I’m not a huge fan of bikinis for the same reason. But I love long dresses and maxi skirts. I do love shorter dresses too but I wear them less. My bf is Muslim so I dress modestly and honestly I prefer it to the shorts all the time thing. I still wear crop tops with him, and I feel confident and beautiful and feel like myself but most of the time I’d rather a t shirt or a long sleeve. I honestly dress more comfortably rather than like out together cuz I’m a pre med student in my now third year of uni. I don’t have time to put makeup on every day when I have 3 classes in one day. Or pick a nice outfit every single day. I only wear super cute outfits on dates, going out with friends, important meetings, with his family or going to the mall, or if I have the random energy burst I have once or twice a month lol. And I feel like me in the outfit cuz it’s actually my style, not the stuff my mother wants me to wear a lot of the time (my mom is somewhat.. critical of my outfits. I wear a lot of cardigans and large sweaters cuz they’re comfy and I feel cute in them and she says I look like a grandma. Idk. Makes me feel meh.) but my bf makes me feel pretty, as do my friends. I never really question my gender. I just feel like a woman so I live as a woman. I feel happy as one, I love purple, I love wearing sparkly dresses. I still think about the dress I wore to a dance with my friends a couple years ago. I felt gorgeous. It was form fitting and covered in sequins. I felt so pretty. But I’m worried I actually didn’t and I was faking? But in that moment that night I felt like a Princess. And when I wore a long dress in the forest with my bf (accidental hike lol. We thought it was a sitting park. It was a hiking one) I felt so pretty. My makeup was gorgeous. He didn’t even have to tell me I looked pretty, I just felt gorgeous. Idk. I think I solved my problem. It’s 2am. I’m tired and I have class in the morning

I’ve been suspecting for awhile now that I might have OCD once I started to look into it. Often times I get a lot of thoughts of me being a terrible awful person and being afraid that I don’t even know if I’m aware of that. I try my hardest to ‘diffuse’ these thoughts constantly. I go over them and remind myself that that isn’t me but I also wonder if that’s what I truly think. I’ve experienced this for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had instrusive horrible thoughts, even from when I was a child. It’s always been background noise to me but sometimes I tune in and scare myself and often wonder what my motives are. I don’t want to have these thoughts anymore but they keep coming back. I don’t like constantly worrying if my friends all hate me or if anyone around me thinks something is completely wrong with me. It’s extremely hard to operate properly already and constantly being streamlined these thoughts 24/7 just makes it more difficult. I have to try to think of literally anything else to prevent myself from having intrusive thoughts but even that doesn’t help. It feels incredibly disabling and it often times prevents me from doing things I actually have to do out of fear because of those “what ifs”. I just live in fear. I constantly worry even when there isn’t anything to worry about. I am incredibly paranoid. I feel like anything can happen at any given moment when I am not in control and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to live like this anymore.