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working to conquer OCD
its so hard to not know if you live your boyfriend or not. this feeling and thought takes the life out if me im so scared. everything feels fake. like all of the sufren its not rocd but real. im trying to not talk to chat ght rn.
What are some things that you did/found helpful when you started going down in the number of sessions? I find that I am having a hard time accepting that I am at the point/ have the skills where I don't need sessions as frequently.
I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online š It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is š„² I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason š« I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!
I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?
Sorry for getting on everyone's nerves by reassurance seeking. I am just struggling and feel like a real P. I just want some help while I wait on my next therapy appointment
My trauma has always prevented me from pursuing a romantic relationship, Iāve always been super terrified of pursuing something with someone for just about every reason I could conjure up. Now, Iāve met someone and Iāve tried so, so hard to push away all those anxieties to make it work; but I feel like the more involved I get, I become more scared and I dwell on more things that may be signs that our ārelationshipā should end. I keep thinking over and over that Iām not good enough for them, I might be their ātarget,ā theyāre not right for me, our feelings are not mutual, it couldnāt work out between us, my friends and family would not approve, Iām not ready for it, etc. Recently, I tried to break things off with them because they were too tall for me. I started sobbing because I was scared that I was being and awful person and I had completely screwed everything up between us. I wanna know if this sounds like ROCD ? I always had a hunch that I could have, but I had never gotten far enough into a relationship to find out. Please feel free to ask me any clarifying questions. Right now Iām probably not making much sense haha.
What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didnāt know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... don't ever want to ever be a P at allā¦ I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i donāt ever want to ever be a rapist at allā¦ I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...Ā I didnāt realize how horrible the real events actually wereā¦ I was 14 at the timeā¦ now Iām 23ā¦ my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real eventsā¦ while my mom reassures me all the time that itās all over, that itās not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that Iām not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someoneās similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they neededĀ to turn themselves inā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or formā¦ i didnāt know how horrible the real events were when I was 14ā¦ I really didnātā¦ and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦ I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the futureā¦ I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14ā¦.. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦Ā I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ And itās comparing me to actual Pās and chomoās who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think Iām a P and a Chomo because of itā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any wayā¦Ā ššš
Hello, this is my second post, not too long ago i made my first, talking about a sudden come-back of my intrusive thoughts. This post will talk about another of my issues, mainly regarding ocd (obviously) and relationships. As i had said before, i had been feeling terrible and felt like i didnt deserve love, especially the love of the guy that i love. I would like to add that in prior moments we have promised eachother and he has reassured me he will never leave me, but today he was pretty much gone all day (long distance) and for the most part ive just been overthinking, all night, actually.. thinking that at any moment he will just randomly block me on everything and never talk to me again. Its now 4:03 AM, and i just feel so scared. Im scared of losing him, this is predominantly because in a past relationship things ended suddenly, my ex switched up after we had promises and everything and i am absolutely horrified of things ending the same way for me and him. Iāve been anxious, trying to take my mind off of it, but if i do, my mind tells me that if i look away, when i look back, iāll miss it and heāll have already blocked me. and tries to tie in earlier conversations i had throughout the day and somehow ties them back to now. (Like my bestfriend telling me she had some dream where i apologized to my friends for āleavingā) For the past few hours ive just been out of it. Im scared of being obsessive, Im scared of losing him, and whenever i check to see, my heart skips a beat because i thinks heās gone. The thing is, I know this isnt the case, and I know there must be an explanation, but for some reason im still worried. and I know these thoughts arent a reflection of reality, but ive also had the idea that my thoughts can also affect what actually happens. I would also like to add that he lives in the US and is mexican, and with the increasing violent situation, my mind even starts to wander off and ask itself what if something happened to him? It makes it worse. because i canāt control it. and that makes me afraid. Im also worried about being a horrible partner, about everything failing and its all just making me feel worse. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling sort of out of it, and throughout the day i felt as if i were emotionless, which made me wonder what if i had lost emotions for him? this also happens to me sometimes. I, for some reason begin thinking like āyou lost your love for him nothings gonna happen ever.ā and my mind starts making up reasons why, or simply gives me this feeling of emptiness for that love, as if i have been detached from it. and then i overthink again āwhat if i actually dont love him but im just obsessed and thats all it is an obsession and none of it is real?ā that last part, im feeling it right now. along with everything else. Im exhausted, Im tired, and i just want to be happy with him. Thank you to all those who choose to read this. thank you. ā¤ļø Edit: I would also like to add that ive been also dealing with the occasional regular intrusive thoughts. which dont form fully in my brain but i can still sort of, āfeelā the intrusive thoughts uncomfortable themes.
I am extremely afraid to get pregnant because of these can anyone please help me. I have OCD, and it involves thought-action fusion. Because of my OCD, I struggle to logically understand how thoughts could turn into actions.What is meant by thoughts are thoughts only. I feel like my thoughts might turn into actions just because I think them in detail ( ex if i think something bad with detaily who meet accident then it will happen to my family also )Can thoughts really turn into actions if I think about them deeply? Can anyone please help me ššš
What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didnāt know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... don't ever want to ever be a P at allā¦ I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i donāt ever want to ever be a rapist at allā¦ I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...Ā I didnāt realize how horrible the real events actually wereā¦ I was 14 at the timeā¦ now Iām 23ā¦ my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real eventsā¦ while my mom reassures me all the time that itās all over, that itās not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that Iām not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someoneās similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they neededĀ to turn themselves inā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or formā¦ i didnāt know how horrible the real events were when I was 14ā¦ I really didnātā¦ and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦ I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the futureā¦ I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14ā¦.. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kidsā¦Ā I was 14 and didnāt realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever againā¦ I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real eventā¦ And itās comparing me to actual Pās and chomoās who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think Iām a P and a Chomo because of itā¦ I donāt ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any wayā¦Ā ššš
And no one at the company will call and tell me why or how this was appropriate, nor did they follow through and make sure I have follow up care. (I dont have follow up care. Iām too afraid to trust a therapist again. My chart also shows I am severely depressed and anxious.) Instead they falsely charted there was follow up and closure and I only found this out because I REACHED OUT and a random customer service member told me: āHi Tessa, one of our Member Advocates spoke with you first on Saturday, 5/31 around 10am PDT. After that call, the Member Advocate requested that one of our Clinical Managers reach out to you, in which Arlene (the Clinical Manager) had spoken with you that same day between 10:40am PDT and 11:20am PDT. Arlene had discussed your concerns regarding the therapist directly with you during that time and provided you with resources in your area that could be a better fit for your needs. As mentioned, we have reached out to Arlene again today, who has stated she will give you another call to address any additional concerns you may have regarding this situation.ā Once I showed screenshots showing there was no second call from NOCD, and demonstrated that Arlene, who I have NEVER spoken to in my life had lied and falsely charted a resolution only continued to lie more and attempt (and fail) to cover it up by claiming she called me on her āpersonal clinician phone.ā āHi Tessa, we have coordinated with Arlene to obtain more information in regards to what occurred here. She indicated she had called from her personal clinician phone, which would come through as a blocked number on your end. However, for the call today, she is able to give you a call at 2pm PT and call from the main NOCD phone line, so you can expect the call from our (312) phone number. Will a call at 2pm PT work for you today?ā After all this ā¦ NOCD negligently failed to reach out to me for a second time this last weekend after telling me: āWe would be glad to accommodate that for you, and will have another Clinical Manager reach out to you today. Once we have a confirmed time that person will call you, we will send you an update to make sure you are informed of that call time.ā No one followed up with a time. No one called. I had to go back into this anxiety riddled place to beg for a call. Still waiting on the call. Be careful. Donāt expect anyone to help you if you experience an issue. They cover for themselves. Having a therapy company that I trusted to treat me and care for me (for a very hefty price) call my family disgusting and attempt to gaslight me by telling me a story about Arlene that wasnāt based in reality, I.e., āArlene (the Clinical Manager) had spoken with you that same day between 10:40am PDT and 11:20am PDT. Arlene had discussed your concerns regarding the therapist directly with you during that time and provided you with resources in your area that could be a better fit for your needs,ā when that never happened is not something clinicians should be doing to people with mental health issues.
A little backstory I used to be in love with this girl for months, I would nit pick every text, seeing if she was online or waiting for a reply or text from her CONSTANTLY just to find out I was nothing, she treated me so horribly I kind of forgot how it felt to be loved, I work so hard on something that was a waste it was hard to just ānudge it offā we are complete strangers now. But not to long after I have met this girl a real girl with morals a life, respectful looks at me when I talk and listens to me. Real interest. But of course how Iām wired is to question is this real, we donāt talk 24:7 like the last girl so I thought is this love then if we donāt talk constantly? I didnāt know any better of course, until our first date where we clicked even more and more, and then the second then the third then the fourth, why am I typing this, well itās because I still donāt feel enough even though I get letter after letter LOVE letters reassuring me yet nothing changes I love this girl but Iām scared to love her fully because what if she just leaves what if sheās lying, I love her so much and she is truly a good person, yet she has no idea how much I cry for her because I feel as if Iām failing her daily, I give her flowers, notes, good dates, really real conversations everything I need in a girl, and what I love the most is the little moments where I truly find myself loving her with all my heart for a few seconds, truly the best feeling ever where I know she loves me back and cares for me and appreciates the things I do for her but then poof there I go second guessing it, and sometimes I feel scared I wanna run away from everything because Iād rather run before I get hurt then get hurt again , but I donāt wanna feel this way I want her we can build a true connection if I allow it but how do I allow it after years of never truly loving someone for real for real, the only love I know is toxic yet Iām not toxic and neither is she, so I need a break from short form content or even music Iām willing to change if it makes my life as a whole more positive itās just some night I think to myself am I truly enough what can I do to be better and then that sends me spiraling and then not doing anything, yet I believe I do enough for her MORE than enough I treat her super well like a queen, but the dreams I have, I dream she leaves and Iām left feeling empty more empty then ever to the point where I get up at TWO am checking my phone to make sure she didnāt ghost me or she didnāt die. It truly shows me if she does leave thatās the feeling I will feel in that moment and it is terrible the most gut wrenching thing ever and yet when I see her I forget what I was sad about her smile and everything yet when Iām alone it like I forget everything I become a whole different person, my parents and friends can tell Iām happier since Iāve met her, my energy is back but they are right but at the same time they are wrong I wish I can be with her all the time and I wish she would reassure me more but who am I to judge when she has no idea I just want to let go and love her like those little moments I get when I truly do and itās not like I donāt like her I do constantly but itās just that I donāt feel enough even though I am enough like we donāt text constantly throughout the day and with my past experiences I believe if you like someone you text them daily but thatās not true I text her morning, goodnight, and we check in on how our days are and of course randomly messages to is it truly just me who thinks like this I believe so hopefully she thinks thatās enough because it genuinely is enough for me but I worry about how she feels constantly should I tell her how Iām feeling or learn myself to become better?
I get married in 5 days. And whatās suppose to be the happiest week of my life, is the most numb, dreadful and ocd-filled. Iāve suffered from what Iād call existential ocd for 2.5 years. Itās been so long with it that I THINK my theme has changed to.. āwhat if I never feel the same again?ā āWhat if I never recover?ā āWhat if Iām always left feeling numb and disconnected?ā The existential ocd started with ālife is meaningless thoughtsā. They are still there. Theyāre relentless too. My brain just one day grasped that we die and immediately it led me to belief that because of death and because no one has answers.. life is meaningless. I developed very bad depression. And I think my ocd has latched on to this numb feeling. Let me say, I feel no positive or negative emotions. I canāt cry, I canāt feel, I donāt see a point, I donāt feel connected to anything or anyone. I get married in 5 days and I feel nothing. And let be clear, I love my fiance so so much. He is amazing. Everything I want and more. Everyday I wake up, my ocd is nonstop all day. I really donāt see a point in anything. I would say I have little to no insight OCD. I truly believe this is my life. Any advice appreciated.
So a couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with strep throat. I finished the anabiotic and then a week later days after I finished it. I got sick again and I went back to the doctor and I have strep throat again. Iām really worried about it. I really donāt wanna die my OCD gets even worse when Iām sick and I just wanna ask you guys if youāre Christians if you guys could please pray for me it would really mean a lot thank you so much
So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying āmaybe I did, maybe I didnātā, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And Iām just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now Iām like āwas it flirting?ā āWhy did I still snap this personā āwhy would I even talk to themā and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didnāt care, he said he understands or āthatās a little weird but itās okayā and hasnāt missed a beat. He said eveything Iāve told him is normal and Iāve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I donāt know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.
Hi,im a fourteen years old girl. I live in a homophobic country,and i dont have any experience. I grew up and became homophobic just like my family and my religion.but in 13 year old.i was questioning why lgptq is illegal?while they are just being them and canāt select what they are? So..i became an agnostic or atheist by secret.oh,by addition,before i became atheist i was making sure i donāt like women,like looking at women pics and imagine some romantic or sexual senarios just to find out,(and i wasnt feel anything and didnt like them),and i was happy and comfort for being straight (i was liking fictional men and some actors,within experience except an online male friend i liked but we didnāt date).but after being atheist,its like fire,i start developing HOCD,im not officially have that because I canāt have a therapist,but i have the Symptoms 100%. I didnt know whats hocd ,i find out whats it before a month.when i was struggling with it like 7 months,so,i think it started when i was in very close friendship with a girl in school,i was confused.if i liked her or not,i was imagining,questioning,making scenarios,but i couldnt have an answer,but then i was comfort to keep it just friendship.when the questions about her go,i can see her normally as a friend and i dont think of her or text her every day and it sometimes reaches months in summer holidays and its normally to me,no romantic acts about her,but then i had a new friend to the group and i had the same thoughts and questions to her.and now my brain questioning if i like them bothš¢.ok.this gone.this is before year,before being atheist.after being.i was questioning ādo i like women?ā Or when i see a fictional woman,i start to look at her and questioning myself and try to catch any feeling,i swear i would accept myself to be gay or bisexual,but i just canāt feel or accept that..i feel like burn.i cried and cried.it somedays turns so hard that I canāt even study or live normally.i also started to lose my attraction to men.i feel like its gone,I canāt now imagine being a man without getting uncomfortable,i miss the days when i was enjoying imagining kissing and sexing with a man.but,hocd,always reminds me i have no experience,and its all imaginary,so I donāt have a real clue from beginning that im straight.and i also read an girl experience with hocd and she became a lesbian at the end,i get so scary.it feels so real.i just wanna cry forever.im afraid that i will like a girl in the future,it chock me and burns.i hate this feeling.to thr god i dont know or believe in,please,if i like women,just let me feel it normally without this fear and hurting.i dont want to be gay.i dont want to like women.i dont want to be bisexual or lesbian.but if being any of those but comfort without this feeling that makes me wanna suicide.i would accept,please.just please,i even canāt get a therapist,even online,i just want help.please.i dont want to be like those girls that find out they liked women all the time,im scared,i miss my old feelings and trusting.i hate this.i just want to die if its mean hocd to go.i feel like its so real and i will love a girl no way in hell future.i even feel its not wrong to like women,like its much better and more soft that men,but i just canāt.I canāt.i dont know,i did everything.i gave myself permission to find out or explore my attraction to the both genders but it hurts me more.i dont want to get hurts again anymore.just remembering i have no experience or clue i like men even if in past felt like i would like and date a man and liven with him,i keep reminding its all was Based on imaginationā¦even if i was wishing to love a man,hocd ruined this peaceful feeling,i was really find peaceful of loving a man.but now,i donāt feel like before,and this scares me,i donāt know what to do.I canāt have a therapist,and dont even know how to get better,,,
Lately Iāve been having moments where I want to be single and explore other possibilities, like new relationships or flings. Sometimes I even feel like I do not want to marry my partner. Those moments honestly scare me. In the last two days alone, I almost broke up with my boyfriend three different times. I love him, and I want to love him without these moments/urges to leave. Iāve been feeling especially numb and distant this past month, and while my OCD has been quieter, my connection to the relationship feels like itās slipping. I feel like I might be glorifying the idea of being single, like the freedom and exploration seem so idealized. Iāve been looking for posts that sound similar to what Iām going through (yes, I know thatās a compulsion), and Iāve found a few that made me wonder if maybe OCD is more involved in this than I initially thought. I just really donāt understand how. Could it be a mix of my numbness and OCD? Could the urge to explore or the emotional flatness around the relationship be OCD showing up in a different way? One other thing Iāve noticed: whenever my boyfriend is sweet or romantic, I feel this deep guilt or just nothing. Like I cannot say āI love youā back without feeling like Iām lying. It makes me feel like a bad partner. I just want to understand how OCD might be playing a role in all of this.
Believing in God is also a matter of faith. Believing that thoughts have power is also a kind of faith. But people say we should believe in God ā then why shouldnāt I believe that thoughts have power too?
If you are in crisis, please use these emergency resources to find immediate help.
OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
