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the NOCD Community

Cause i feel like mine does.

Does anyone else have contamination ocd if so how do you deal with it please. I've managed to narrow down a few routines I do daily but mentally I'm not feeling better for it at all right now I'm really struggling it's almost like my ocd oozes out with other situations ensted and it's really taking over my life right now i hope it gets better but right now I can't see how

I just got a flag on one of my posts saying ‘if you are in danger of harming yourself or others call 911’ and now I’m feeling 10 times worse, thanks a lot, I don’t know if it’s because someone flagged my post for whatever reason but it’s made me feel like There actually must be something wrong with the me now since why is it saying ‘I’m danger of harming others’ ??? I feel really upset now

since i was little i had this inate fear of something looming over me. When i was very young it was the possibility of aliens. I was (or more my brain was) obsessed with the idea of aliens coming and destroying everything and everybody I loved. Certain noises would trigger that fear, ex. alarms and certain songs. I would normally have to turn them off before a certain point or else for some reason i would feel as if something terrible would come kill my family. (Keep in mind i’m only in 3rd grade at this point) I grew up from that point with mild symptoms like needing to close drawers and being oddly obsessive over certain little things. Eventually when I was older, I experienced self harm. (EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING) whenever i would harm myself i would feel as if it wasn’t enough, it was even and i did it wrong. This though caused me to harm myself more and more. although i’m not experiencing this anymore I am finally starting to notice OCD like symptoms in my life. for example, i always feel the need to keep my hands perfectly clean right before i sleep or else i feel odd and dirty. this causes me to get up many time in the night to go wash my hands because it’s so easily triggered. (certain textures even thoughts) Things in my room are cluttered, yet organized in a way and when other people move it i feel a sense of distress and dread. I also experience a symptom that i don’t hear being discussed a lot (simply because some may feel a sense of shame from it) but, I experience many involuntary violent ‘visions’ on a daily. sometimes little things that are simply disturbing and sometimes full blown scale thoughts of death and even murder. From that I always feel an extreme sense of guilt and fear that maybe it’s not OCD and maybe I really am just some f-ed up kid that wants to kill. this creates a cycle, whatever voice that is telling me these fears, obsessions, works off itself and sends me into a spiral. Now to any person this sounds like clear signs of OCD and i agree that they are. yet something that has really been bugging me is the ‘so what?’ factor of it. Every story i hear of OCD there’s an issue from it. For example contamination OCD: stopping somebody from having a good relationship with their best friend because they’re afraid of going out. (this is a made up instance of course) I don’t experience a huge ‘consequence’ per say, i haven’t lost any relationships and i still am able to do what I love. But i experience constant internal conflict and dread that it gets exhausting. I am constantly thinking, worrying, and obsessing over everything no matter what! (either it be physical or social affairs) I can’t seem to shut that voice up in my head that is telling me things, making me see things i don’t want to see. another aspect that confuses me very much and i think is the biggest thing that makes me question my ‘OCD’ is the lack of immediate thought triggered anxiety that somebody would experience after NOT doing the act. What I mean by that is i feel a sense of dread, a cool wind blow over my shoulder, and knowledge that in my hearts of hearts that everything is wrong and nothing will be right untill i fix that certain thing. But i never hear that voice that normally speaks to me say it, no, i just feel it and i know. and I think in a sense that’s what’s makes it scarier and that’s what keeps me in the shackles of whatever is causing this. I need help, i don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to tell people but i never manage too. where do i start? Do i even have it? If i was to get a diagnosis what good would that do? and most importantly do i have to live with this? i’m only a teenager, is there medicine that can help? Therapy? anything?

Hi everyone, I’ve been on fluvoxamine for two years now and it’s kept me episode free for a pretty long time. However I’ve been isolated a lot more lately and have been spiraling pretty bad. I’m up all night some nights googling/asking my partner for reassurance and giving into all my compulsions and not leaving my house. Do meds usually stop having as much of an effect over time? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, however it’s not for a few more weeks.

So, I’ve been with my man for 10.5 years. But the doubts have been around for awhile. 3 years in I obsessed over a psychic who said he wasn’t the one, even though I wanted him to be the one. She said “that’s the problem. He either is or isn’t, and deep down you know that, there is no want him to be. “ that was really hard to hear, cried a lot and called my bf who said it’s nonsense. 2 years later I started going to regular therapy as the thoughts created great anxiety and no sleep. That made it worse as it was 2 years of reassurance thinking. I’ve had it bad on and off. But had two children and things have been honestly great during both pregnancies. (Hormones maybe?! ) Now, 6 months post partum, I’m going crazy. My dreams have been consumed of “he’s not the one” “let him go, it’s not fair to him” during the day I’m finding signs in the music playing on the radio, or “let him go” videos on TikTok. And now, I’m obsessing about the future, how I he isn’t going to be in it. My thoughts consume me. I could be teaching a lesson in school (I’m a teacher) and talking to the kids, but my mind is taking its own route throwing my intrusive thoughts into my face. I get light headed and quesy from the thought of it. I feel like I’m fighting divine intervention and I’m losing greatly. I keep trying to tell myself, this is 10 years worth of compulsions. I enjoy my time with him and our family. I think of him as my best friend. I keep telling myself, love is a choice. But I feel like I’m losing. The dreams are the worst part too. I tell myself those are signs too. It doesn’t help he dreams about me cheating too. I just need help with exposures. My body tells me it’s not Rocd and not to waste money on a therapist. But the amount it consumes me I should talk to someone. Plenty of people stay in unhappy relationships all the time. If this was truly me unhappy, I don’t think I would obsess.

In most cases where I do experience false memory ocd, 9 times out of 10 I am eventually able to let go of whatever false memory was bothering me. It’s almost like I get so tired of obsessing so much over one thing that I just stop caring after a while. But the cycle repeats because there’s always some new thought that comes up in my head; another thing to obsess over until you can’t anymore. But, yesterday I was out with family. Really beautiful day and I enjoyed myself. But around the end of the day, specifically as we were driving back home, a reoccurring false memory came back into my head. Only difference was I started to obsess over the idea that I have lost the ability to differentiate reality and false memories. Before yesterday, any mental compulsions that I would do in attempts to make myself feel better would eventually work and I would get over it, but the idea that I’ve developed the inability to recognize what is real and what is just in my head has made it even more difficult for me to let go of these false memories. There’s still that part of me that knows deep down that I haven’t done these things, but clearly that isn’t enough because I am almost 100% convinced that I have done the things that come up into my head. It’s the fear the I’m acting on them unconsciously. I’m feeling stuck. I don’t like coming out of my room because I can’t focus on anything other than the thoughts that come up in my head. So socializing with family is becoming more and more difficult. I barely hear a word anyone says due to the constant brain fog OCD causes me. I am definitely in need of some help. But, on the bright side, I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist this month.

Does anyone else really struggle lately with contamination ocd? I struggle so much with the hand washing and I literally fear having to take a shower because I know that I get stuck in the compulsions of washing and rewashing. It feels like im running marathon every time I have to shower, it drains me for the rest of the day. It’s the worst part of my day. Im on medication and I’m working with my therapist, but something that is supposed to be relaxing has just become such a nightmare. Can anyone else relate?

I keep seeing things on the side of my eye and when I look fast it’s nothing but a tree or a chair depending on where I’m at but my mind imagines it’s something worse like a person and when I look it’s not has anyone ever delt with this I have a huge fear of losing my mind I been very hyper aware of my vision lately and eye floaters I think about what if I see something all day constant state of panic please tell me I’m not hallucinating

I haven’t been sleeping most recently and this triggers my dissociation and like five minutes ago I went downstairs to make water and I hear somebody outside and there’s this guy just on his phone talking in my brain made up a whole bunch of bad thoughts like he was gonna steal my dog that was out there and stuff like that so I came upstairs and got dressed and try to go out there and the guy was an out there anymore and I convince me I was schizophrenic and I’ve never been so terrified I feel so bad right now , nothing feels real I’m crying in my bed alone

I’ve now been experiencing ocd symptoms for 3 months and they have slowly gotten less grip on my life. Is it bad for my ocd if I smoke weed, I’ve noticed it almost gets rid of my symptoms after I smoke it. I only smoke it on the weekends to wind down after a stressful week and to give me a break from the ocd stress. But was just wondering if this will effect my recovery?

I tried to get better but still have intrusive thoughts, which feel real. But I'm not more anxious than before but get a little panicked. My brain feels like "normal". Idk what to do

Obsessions - You don’t like your daughter - You will never be happy again - It’s not ocd… you have lost the feeling of wanting to live.. - You know its real… stop acting like it is not.. - Get a thought/feeling like i can’t/wont fight anymore.. - You want to die, but just don’t wanna disappoint your family - Just feel so real in body and mind… But everytime it happens, i just want to know that its the ocd and not real

Nervous about my first session tomorrow and that I’ll be told I’m not ready to be in a relationship. Long story short, I had a male best friend and we bonded over trauma (he had family issues, I had family issues and just broke up with my now ex) we ended up using each other in lustful ways but then became good friends. I could never love him romantically so after about a year and a half I told him I didn’t want anything with him like that and eventually we faded out. Fast forward a year later we rekindle our friendship but set boundaries and a month later, I meet someone amazing and we’ve been talking for a couple months (6 now) and who I love now and realize I want to be with, but my mind began to compare him with my ex best friend… it was a here and there thing about how I got along and the inside jokes I had with my ex best friend were unique, but then it started to spiral and now every little thing is a comparison. It’s gotten to the point where it makes me feel physically sick and guilty. Now little things remind me of my ex best friend (who I ended up parting ways with recently because I genuinely have no desire to continue our friendship and out of respect for me and my current man). Even random things remind me of him and I don’t know how to stop. My mind keeps telling me I’m meant to be with him and no one will ever understand me like he did, but I don’t want to be with him like that. And I wasn’t even thinking about him when we parted ways the first time, my life was great. All this just started with my current man. (I had interest with someone else a couple months before I met him and I didn’t have these intrusive and comparing thoughts). I’m really annoyed and feel guilty because I don’t want to think or feel these things. I’m scared I’m gonna have to let him go or something but I really just want to stop these thoughts but they literally keep me up at night. I hate comparing and I don’t mean to, but it’s literally on my mind nonstop now and has only gotten worse. When reality is, I love my current man and I don’t want anyone else. Also scared I’ll be told it’s not ROCD. :/

I just was diagnosed with OCD and I’m still learning about it.. how do you stop from googling your symptoms and convincing yourself that there is something wrong with you? I’ve been doing this a lot recently.. in the past month I’ve convinced myself I’m having a heart attack, a stroke, and a pulmonary embolism. How do I stop this?

Hey every body, I'm looking for some advice specific to pure O ocd. 1. My therapist has given me some response phrases to practice for my intrusive thoughts, the ones I'm using are mainly "maybe maybe not", " sure whatever", "your probably right" and "I don't have to figure this out right now". My main concern is using these phrases two often or so broadly that they become compulsive. 2. Since most of my compulsions are mental I find it difficult to control them. Sometimes my brain will automatically reassure itself or reflexibly perform a compulsion without me even wanting to engage with it. If anyone who struggles with/has struggled with this has any tips or advice I'd really appreciate it

In past few days, it looks like I'm getting better but still have intrusive thoughts

Since Covid began I have not been able to be my normal self. I was never one to worry about germs. I washed my hands yes, but it was never a big deal or a huge worry that was on my brain. When Covid began, I felt as though I was hearing it from all sides at all times. My aunt, mother, and sister are all health care workers so I was hearing Covid horror stories straight from the hospital as well as what was talked about on the news. At first, it wasn’t a HUGE worry in my head until, in order to get me to be serious, my rather tough-love uncle told me I was going to be the one to bring it in the house and that he and my nephews could get sick and die from it. Well, it worked. I was horrified. And what I recently found out to be contamination OCD began. Slowly my rituals started. First with just washing hands and using hand sanitizer religiously. Soon though, my worries spread to the THINGS I may be using or touching prior to washing my hands. This led to me using ungodly amounts of Lysol on EVERYTHING. For context, I was a server/bartender at the height of the epidemic who was in school to become a teacher. I am now a middle school teacher which both jobs putting me in high touch high germ situations. So I would Lysol my phone after work only after vigorously washing hands. I would Lysol my car and the seats next time I got in it since I drove home from work in my “dirty” work clothes. This progressed to Clorox wipes. That is until I read the instructions and realized it takes 3 minutes of the product being on a surface to completely sanitize it. Currently it is alcohol on cotton balls for everything. I have gotten past spraying or wiping car seats and just resorted to treating getting home from anywhere as me having to change clothes and perform my hand washing/ sanitizing phone ritual. (When washing hands or cleaning things J repeatedly count to 20 as it is said that you should wash hands for at-least 20 seconds. So I have to count to 20 at-least 3 times)My purse and keys have a certain spot in the floor of my room, where no one will walk, as to not get any other area germy from them. My phone goes on a paper towel on the counter as I wash my hands using my counting numbers ritual. I then go get a cotton ball with alcohol and begin wiping the back of my phone again using my counting numbers ritual. I wait a few minutes and lift up my pop socket and perform the same alcohol and counting numbers ritual. Again, I wait a few minutes and wipe the screen. I then wash hands and go change out of germy clothes. I wipe the back of my legs with an alcohol covered cotton ball in hopes of getting off any germs I may have obtained from public restrooms or the one at work. I put on new clothes, braid hair back, and wipe face with makeup remover wipe. I wash hands again, scrub face with face wash using my number ritual, then wash hands again. I am then finally “free” from outside germs and feel safe in my home. This is every time I leave the house. No matter where I go. I am miserable and feel utterly powerless. My family doesn’t understand although I feel they were the ones who started all of this. My boyfriend doesn’t understand. They’re all bothered by how bothered by germs I am and honestly so am I. I’m tired of it and want to get better.

The urge and false attraction have reached levels I have never seen before These past few days I decided to let go and let the thoughts sit in and oh boy oh boy Woke up this morning with intrusive thoughts plus urges like never before while simultaneously hating it and feeling like it’s not me at all I tried to act upon them but my brain systematically refused and now I am in a state of utter confusion…..my brain has been sending me everything amd it’s contrary since I stopped reacting and I truly don’t know if I can handle the uncertainty

I’m new to this whole ocd thing so I don’t know if the way I’m thinking is just my thoughts and cause I’m an awful person or if it’s my ocd acting up in a way. So I’m in this situation ship with a guy I dated for two months and I fell in love with him and we wanted to be married and everything. But I ended up having an intrusive thought about a family member of his and it was very overwhelming for him (which is understandable) and so he broke up with me and said he wanted me to get help. Now we’re kinda in this weird situation where we know we love each other and want to be together but there are other circumstances and things that are keeping us from being together again. He had dealt with depression for a while and I’ve helped him through suicidal thoughts and seasons before but now that all of this has happened he’s experiencing it again and wanted to last night. And so this is where it gets confusing for me. I know that I love this man, and I only want the best for him even if that means he doesn’t get back with me but because I wasn’t overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and I was crying and having a breakdown when he called me told me he was gunna end it, I’m questioning if I really care whether or not he’d take his life. And I don’t know if this could be ocd affecting my thoughts or if I’m just a really bad person. I know I love him, I’d love to live a life with him and stay together till death. I’d give my life for that man so it’s confusing to as to why I wouldn’t have a stronger negative reaction to him being suicidal and almost being like numb to it all. But I know I’m not in a numb state overall. And then it makes me question how true my love for him really is if I don’t have such a strong reaction to something like that. And then it’s like of course I don’t want him to die, I love him but then I question do I not want him to die because I care about him or because I don’t want to have to live with the guilt of him taking his own life and me not being able to stop it and me being apart of the reason why he did it. And that just makes it worse. And then it’s like I love life and I don’t want to die and I wouldn’t want to live a life without love and happiness but for me to continue on with my life if something were to happen would be like a betrayal to him and like I never really loved him. And then it just makes me feel like such an awful person and it’s so confusing for me cause I know that I really do love him. And then I feel so guilty about it I feel like I have to tell him but idk if that a compulsion cause I feel like once I tell him it’ll be all better but the reality is that it would only make things worse and it would hurt him and the last thing I want is to hurt him. Ugh this is so much and idk what’s wrong with me. I just want to be normal and love him and have healthy normal reactions to things. Does this mean I don’t actually love him? I know deep within me I truly do but idk. It’s exhausting being in my head but I guess I deserve it for having such awful thoughts and being an awful person. I just want to get help and love him truly and help him get better. Does anyone deal with anything like this? I doubt it but if you do (and even if you don’t) thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.