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This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?

so I put this into Gemini a couple mins ago but it just gave me the 988 to text but I feel like I don’t know if these thoughts are genuine or intrusive and just amplified because of how I was feeling. This is what I put in there I’ll just copy and paste. I got talking with my grandma and I felt like I needed to get it out but I just kept thinking deeper and deeper like thoughts like “I can’t do this anymore” or “when will this stop” and I have a lot of suicidal intrusive thoughts and sometimes when I feel in such fear and deep sorrow and dispare these thoughts feel so real that I can’t tell if they’re intrusive. But I immediately push them away of course even though I keep wanting to figure it out or figure out how I can break free from this doubt and second guessing. But it freaked me out that maybe I was actually contemplating or genuinely thinking about it or was close to snapping and giving up. Now I feel like I have to figure out of it was intrusive or not because that’s really serious if it is a real thought. I know it’s apart of ocd to figure it out but I can’t tell if it was my imagination made it seem way more real or when I imagined myself doing something to myself it felt like the probability became higher because I was in a state of severe distress. It’s like a thought when your heart is beating so fast you don’t wish it would stop beating you just want a break from it beating so loud or fast or you want it to get better. Idk I pictured myself just being stuck in my body and it freaked me out too like the fact I cant control what my body is doing. I’ve lost some weight the last couple months bc of stress and it just grosses me out thinking how bad I might be getting. I even started thinking maybe I need to be in a mental hospital. And just admit it and just get more help. The thing is I also felt like I had a decent day today but it took so much out of me trying to resist compulsions and “keeping” the good moment going without extreme fear especially of dying. I get so freaked out by random things even things touching me, certain sounds and wish it could all stop sometimes and I keep running away from things I think are triggers for my anxiety but it feels like it’s getting narrower.

Ive also realized... if it's my own fault I have POCD and Real Events OCD to begin with... because of the genuinely horrible real events I've done... then why should I even feel any ounce of sympathy for myself? I don't feel sorry for myself because why would I feel sorry for something I hate? It's my fault right? I did this to myself so I face the consequences... thats how the world works right? I did so many bad things as a teen, so the karma finally catches up to me... right? So yeah... I deserve this... all of this... it's so funny... thinking I deserve a happy life... its all just one big joke... my life is a joke... but jokes at least have a purpose and make people laugh. People do laugh. At me, and not with me. So yeah. I deserve this. All of this. I accept it. I accept it all. Come take me god. Cause I dont want to be here in this world anymore.

In a weeks I will traver around Europe with an interrail pass. My fear focus in the idea that if I am really tired and anxious will get 1. Depressed and I will not be able to do nothing 2. Start a new OCD spiral so intense that can make me suicidal. Last year before going to an specialist and understand how OCD works I studied in other country for summer, I was living alone and OCD was terrible at a point that I was writing all days to not emergency hotlines because I had this fear that the feelings I was having would be forever This experience has follow me in all my travels and, this being the most difficult, is again, playing with me. I will travel, I don't want my OCD to stop me doing things I really want but the closer the day gets, the more the excitement about the trip fades. So yes this travel is perfect for ERP but at the same time I am anxious about finding balance between resting but without it becoming an avoidance (that summer I also didn't go on many excursions due to exhaustion so I don't want this to happen to me again and spent all my day in the hostel sleeping) When I travel with other people I force myself to be functional which help to enjoy more my travels but alone... like right now takes me 1 hour to wake up in my house because of morning anxiety, being tired will do this more difficult If you have tips or experience I will be glad. Even with fear I want to do this travel

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....

Fuck it I'm tired of the ruminations, I'm tired of the constant mental reviews and false memories, I'm tired of the feeling of existential crisis, I'm tired of feeling fear that depression is gonna get worse, I'm tired of the intrusive thoughts, the relentless depersonalization/derealization If one day I end my life so be it. if one day I go insane so be it, if one day my relationship ends with my gf so be it. I'm tired of having these what ifs, I'm tired of shutting my mind and creating prison after prison mentally. Fuck it if my life is meant to suck then so be it I'll take it to the chin. If one day I end up broke and end it all oh well that's just what my life was meant to be. But I'm not gonna suffer over somthing that might or might not happen. I'm tired of it. I keep emphasizing my weaknesses instead of my strength I am a strong person, I was the man that put my self thru nursing school while helping my mom financaily, I was the man that kept the household together and supported my mom when she had a TIA in march, I was the the one that gave my mom money to pay for lawyers, I was the one that my mom rellies on, I am the man of the house I am him. I am a loving boyfriend that supports his girlfriend, I am the nurse that won the award of the year for the best nurse at the department I work for at my hospital. I am the man that has touched so many lives with my profession, I am the man that held the hands of countless people in their times of need, their times of struggle, their times of death and the man that gave those people guidence and support to people in their toughest moments of despair, death, confusion, grief and so on. I am the man thag comforted family members when their loved one was gone. I am the man that's been told time and time again that I've saved peoples lives. Why do I belittle my self and I deminish my accomplishments so easily yet highlights my deficits and mistakes so hard. I've become the judge, jury and executioner of my head creating prison after prison. I'm tired of it, I am bigger than this disorder, I accept it and I will get better with it. I accept that I take drugs to correct my mind , I accept that I am seeking therapy to help my self, I accept that right now I am not In the best place in my mind. But I will get better

TW// suicide I attempted last week and my therapist told my family, I promised everyone but the cost of my mistakes and wrong doings is death, I cant do this anymore I dunno what to do only death feels right to me and I want to bring justice by punishing myself for my sins.

I’m starting to freak out. I feel like I lack empathy and I was looking it up and I feel like it’s true. It says “Poor listening skills: This can involve interrupting, changing the subject frequently, or not acknowledging what the other person is saying” I do this, it’s so hard for me to focus and listen to people consistently talk, I’m always just in my head thinking about my own stuff. It also says “ Monopolizing conversations: A lack of empathy can lead to a focus on one's own thoughts and feelings, making it difficult to listen to and engage with others' experiences” and “Self-centeredness: People who lack empathy may prioritize their own needs and desires above others” I’ve been so not okay lately dealing with ROCD and it got so bad that I started to really not feel anything like numb. And then he broke up with me and it’s been worse and worse, the one person who knew me the most in the world for 10 years is gone. and now idk how to explain it all, I just feel like something is wrong with me, I had harm ocd years ago and it’s been popping up lately and honestly Im wondering if I’m just a psycho and this is just who I am. And I’m getting so much anxiety that this is how I’m going to think and feel for the rest of my life. Like I’ll never find someone that will know me cause why would you ever share this kind of stuff with someone. I’m so scared there’s something wrong with me. I grew up with an awful relationship with my mom, always screaming and always fighting, I work in the medical field and I absolutely hate it and the patients annoy me and are rude and, I got a dog to make me happy but all he does is stress me out and I feel like a horrible dog mom, I have nothing in my life that is making my happy, my ex was the last thing I had to hold on too. I’ve never felt this low before. I feel like there’s nothing to live for anymore and I would rather not be here than feel or think the way I have been. I don’t want to be a sociopath or a psychopath but this feels like it’s never going to go away. I can’t even remember the last time I felt okay or “normal” like I’ve always been like this or something. I’m seriously so scared. Can someone talk with me about this? Idk what to do

everyone hates us. everyone is moving on without us and we're being led by a lunatic and we're going to suffer the consequences of his irresponsibility while he's still just fucking fine. i hate it. i hate him. no one likes us, no one likes *me*, no one wants me because im useless. im garbage. why *would* any other country take me? i just want out. i just want it to be over. i feel like im cursed

I had OCD earlier in life, but it came and gone. For the last 4.5 it's been one thing after another, though. Today I felt especially grossed out by my POCD and I feellike I'm losing last hope that I had. I hate to sound awfully dramatic, but I want to clarify things a little bit and ask for advice. So I've been taking antidepressants up until some point, had a break and then started taking them again. In the beginning of this month, I finally finished that second course. This time it lasted 1.5 years. It's important to note that for the last half year I was pretty proactive in finding solutions to my ocd, finding new methods and reading articles. It probably did help, but mostly in short-term. Today I felt like my symptoms (it's mainly groinal response) were scaringly prominent and it made me really depressed. Do I have to start all over? It never got good enough in the first place, so I'm not even sure if it's possible to cure. I admit I might've not been pushing myself enough to do the scariest possible things, but that doesn't mean I didn't do ERP. Now, to the venting part. I'm not sure if anything really helped: if I'm relaxed it's probably just a matter of good mood. I'm anxious when going outside. I feel like I don't deserve friends because of my "dirty" secret -- I feel incredibly ashamed for groinal sensations. There were times when I'm sure it wasn't a phantom feeling, but a real one I caused. But I can't undo anything, so it has to stay with me. My family really loves me, so of course killing myself was never an option. But I still hate myself. I'm too tired to keep on fighting with OCD and bearing the burden of those very shameful events is too hard. What do I do? Maybe I'm just not adapted to living without antidepressants, so I'm being too emotional and all I should do is continue doing ERP. But my point is that I'm too exhausted. Thank you for reading. I see many here have a similar problem, I hope you're staying strong. I'd love to help you all, but I'm afraid that right now I'm not suit for giving out good life advice

So basically, I’ve been with my husband six years already I’m 24 and he’s 25th. We don’t have that much money at the moment but I’m trying to work as hard as I can to save so when I become a mom I can be able to stay at home. But last week our condom broke during my ovulation period and I’m afraid I may be pregnant. My husband say that he loves me but he doesn’t want babies at this moment and he want me to drink something to take “care” of it. I don’t want to but he said we don’t have money and he’s not able to give us the life he wants for us. I’m having suicidal thoughts and my anxiety it’s just driving me crazy. I don’t know what can I do to calm down and stop thinking about it cuz it’s driving me crazy .

I suffer since 10 - 15 yrs from specific fears. It was years that my OCD constantly wanted to be checked if I have HIV or not. I had a lot of sex and I thought this is normal. But I ruminated in my backhead about and was testing like 5 - 10 times a year. After the test I felt everytime so relieved. In Corona I was addicted to porn and even I lost control and was watching pretty hard stuff. I was chatting with a girl and we fantasized about really disturbing things. I never wanna meet her and for me was sure it's just kinda onlinestuff. I was in a relationship 3 years now. And I lost fear of HIV. But then came Morality OCD, Real Event (this chat) and after some times POCD. This combination was knocking me out, I felt like the badest person on earth. I did everything wrong and searched for relief and reassurance. It put me to the point of suicidal. I never ever hurting somebody, but my brain was making me a monster. I had to quit the relationship because I just couldn't give her what she deserved. I was in a clinic for 3 months. And we tested medication with ERP (before I took escitalopram for years). Anafranil was working first, then too many side-effects. I tried even without meds, but was so depressed. Now on sertralin for 5 weeks, but only 2 weeks on therapeutic dose 200mg. And wow, now I really feel so confused in the brain. I feel like how big my OCD became. The specific thoughts are not anymore, BUT it sticks on EVERYTHING atm. It's delusional how it feels in the brain. I really hope so deep my brain makes finally a reset and I need to wait it out. I could live with OCD for a long time but the last 1-2 yrs it took absolutely everything. I remark that POCD doesn't stick anymore like before but my brain is now constructing a very bad future because of past mistakes (that I all discussed with family, friends for relief over and over and over again). So it's like my OCD is now Real Event (The sexchat) again. Anyone was on the same point in life?

Anybody here worried about this bill that just passed? My OCD is firing up again. I’m a community college student here in California who is about to turn 26 this mid November, which means I’m going to be booted off of my father’s health insurance as the law requires. And right now, my mental health (OCD that I’m trying to get diagnosed, anxiety, depression, PTSD that I’m trying to get diagnosed) is the worst that it’s probably ever been!!! And I don’t see it getting miraculously better anytime soon, these conditions are definitely chronic and will be following me for the rest of my life due to my long history of them (never got formal help until I was 16 though). I’ve been battling this stuff since I was just a little girl in the 2000s. After I turn 26 this year, I was just planning to enroll in Medicaid (Medi-Cal) when the time came so I could focus on continuing my schooling and treating my severe mental health issues along the way. I was actually feeling hopeful for once about my life. It’s going to be absolutely devastating if I lose healthcare coverage just because I won’t be able to bypass the red tape being put into place and meet those rigid requirements that the bill is going to require. There is only so much I can handle at one time due to my disabilities. I admire people who can do so many things at once (work a job, go to school, take care of children, etc.), but it’s just not me. It’s a miracle after everything, that I’m even in school and doing okay with it (4.0 GPA). I’m even enrolled in my school’s DSPS (program for disabled students). There has to be something that can be done. Losing my access to psych meds and therapy is going to make my life so much harder than it already is. It could probably even straight up kill me, which would be devastating for my family to have see me pass so horribly. Whether it’s from untreated mental illnesses or from the simple fact that I could get sick and die from whatever else due to not being able to access healthcare. Sorry for the long post. But I seriously cannot be alone in this right now…

messaged a suicide hotline thing for my area today and it was underwhelming and they didnt help much idk what to do ive hurt myself i dont trust myself myfamily are awake and i dont want them to know what im doing. idk whether to call 111 or 999 cus i dont avtually plan on kms i just cant get rid of the feelinf like what am i meant to do

I’m a Christian with religious OCD something I’ve always wondered as a Christian is why did God send Jesus to die on the cross why didn’t God die on the cross? Every time I think about that, my OCD calls God a bad word. even as I’m typing this, my mind is calling that bad word I don’t mean it and I don’t understand it. I know I would never say that last night when I had that thought I felt so sick. I ran to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. it’s terrible and something that is not true, I’m sure you guys can figure it out it starts with a p. I don’t wanna kill myself, but I feel like that’s the only option (edited)

I'm roughly 2 months pregnant and I'm struggling so bad with OCD (specifically surrounding psychosis/postpartum psychosis, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, etc). I'm so discouraged because I was sub-clinical for over a year and this pregnancy and the hormones are undoing all of my progress. And it actually seems so much harder than BEFORE when I was at a low point. It feels like the hormones are ruining my brain and making me lose my mind. I keep looking over my shoulder, getting intrusive images of scary hallucinations that I might start to get, i fear hurting myself or my baby, etc. Psychosis in pregnancy is 1 in 1000. That's not that rare. I feel like I just upped my chances of my biggest fear happening and I have so much regret and fear around that. I'm also a Christian and I'm relying on God so much more now than ever, but I'm afraid of that too because people in psychosis often have religious delusions and I can't tell if I'm slipping into that or if God is really just using this trial to pull me closer to him. I just feel so defeated. I feel like ERP just isn't going to work for me because the hormones are a whole different animal that "normal" people with OCD don't have. Like they're making me immune to ERP or that ERP isn't for people like me and I'm hopeless.

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

I'm doing really, really not well, if someone could please have a conversation eith me under my recent posts that would be very helpful, I have no support right now and do not see any therapist until Thursday and this is urgent

Just feel like getting it off my chest since I was little I always felt like my mom was my enemy like she was always competing with me and was always boy thirsty she never really focused on me although it was always me and her because I would never rly see my dad since they weren’t together I feel as if she was never really their it was alway other people taking care of me not her and I hold a lot of resentment towards her because I feel like she try’s to play this role of innocent mom whos kid hates her for no reason but that could be farther frm the truth she would always just focus on her bfs and whenever she would fight with them she would take it out on me or if she would see them making a bond with me she would also get mad the other day too I had memories of when I was 8-9 she would take me to her friends house who had two boys 10-11 and I remember we would always play ruff but their would be times where I remember they would bend me over and hump me and I never said anything I also remembered this one time she took me with this random lady and I only went that one time but I recall a boy who looked to be 13 like a teenager he told me to go under the bed and at the time I was very little like probably no more then 7 and I rember he started touching me and kissing me I never got rapid or anything tho but very touchy and I was telling my bf about it and I started crying because I hadn’t thought abt those things since years ago and now that I remembered I can’t forget and no one knew because I never told anyone but my bf just comforted me and hugged me but it makes me really sad and I know my mom wouldn’t care if I told her she also has kicked me out about 8 times already and we even had a cps case which she still blames me for although it was her fault and she also always does stuff just to upset me on purpose she also made fun of me bien suicidal and would joke about it with anyone she could get the chance too theirs a lot more that I could talk about for hours but this is already very long point is I hold so much anger and resentment towards her and if I’m being completely transparent I truly can say I hate her I feel so bad about it because in the end she is my mom but I can’t forgive her for the stuff she’s done to me and the stuff I’ve had to go through because of her I wish I could fix our relationship but at the same time I feel hopeless and like theirs no fixing it