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feels extra real today, like i’m actually going to do it. i want to cry

I’ve fallen into another on going episode of OCD one of my worst ones, this happens often where I’ll be in remission for about a month or so then my OCD flares up for a couple months. My most reoccurring form of OCD is relationship OCD though I suffer from others as well. My overthinking about my girlfriend and our relationship is tormenting my mind. She’s a wonderful woman and my thoughts my horrible thoughts have been making our time together insufferable but not to her but to me, normally I love being around her and even going through this I adore her and want to always be with her, I keep my thoughts to myself for the most part but she notices that I’m not ok but I can’t tell her what I’m thinking cuz I don’t want to make her feel like I just think she’s horrible or not loyal to me. She is and she loves me very much and does her best to ease my mind. I just feel like such a problem and my thoughts drive me crazy I literally hold my head and cry just wanting the thoughts to stop they flood my mind unintentionally and cause me great emotional pain…I wanted to just end myself today to just be done with it.. but ik she’d be crushed if I did, that’s all that’s keeping me alive. My mind is my biggest enemy and I can’t silence it. Please help anyone I don’t care if you think I’m overreacting I probably am just please how do I make them stop? How can I stay alive…

Receiving the email congratulating me on 6 months was a pleasant surprise this morning. When I was notified that I received my conquerer badge back in October, I was feeling pessimistic and not nice towards my progress, so I didn’t share it. But, I’ll share this achievement. I was finally diagnosed with OCD at 31. I’ve been in therapy with NOCD for a little over 2 years. When I started ERP, I went in blind, not knowing what to expect. The work was really, really hard. I had to learn how to undo years of mental compulsions and OCD-related habits. I was constantly tired, scared, and mentally exhausted. I took life day by day. If you’re in ERP, you’re probably familiar with the pattern of starting an exposure, feeling really scared, doing all of the hard work, until that exposure gets easier and easier, and you cross it off your list. Then you start the next one. My journey was sitting in my car for my therapy sessions, going to work after, and doing my exposures during the week. I cried often, i got frustrated with myself for not doing my exposures “perfectly,” for not being able to do things like a “normal” person. But then, I noticed changes. I realized instead of just feeling fear, or apprehension—I was also feeling that I could get through the exposures. My mindset went from “I don’t want to do this, it’s too much, I miss my comfort zone of compulsions,”—to “ugh, I don’t want to do my homework, but I will-because I know this is my way through.” Here is what I can do now, in my life, that I could not do years ago: I can use public restrooms. I can drive further than 20 minutes on the freeway. I drove about 4 hours all together last weekend. I can drive at night again. I used to love it, ocd took it away from me, but I took it back. I drove in the pouring rain on the freeway today, and I forgot to be scared. I joked with my friend instead as I drove. I care so much less about what people think of me, in small moments (how I look being new to the gym, how I appear in public doing simple things). When thoughts of death come up, I can dismiss them. I’m not afraid to be around my grandmother (I feared emotional contamination for years and years and years). I still have hard days. Last month, I thought I was going to relapse. Starting medication was really hard, because of the unknown. But here’s the magic of ERP—you develop the skills, and you don’t lose them. I worked through my fears of relapse over a new theme, I was honest with my therapist-and I bounced back. I bounced back so much quicker than I thought I would. I still struggle with grief, of things ocd took a hold of. I’m still working on acceptance. But I’m finding my values and living my life according to them. I can be my authentic self. Wherever you are at in your journey-you will find the peace you’re looking for. You are all more than your OCD. If you haven’t found that yet, you will. And I can’t wait to hear about it.

Can others with suicidal ocd share some common symptoms they noticed/experience with this theme?

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore and i feel hopeless. i’m so uncomfortable as a girl now, i look at my body and i get extremely uncomfortable wtf? i used to love my body. i get uncomfortable when people call me a girl and by my name. there’s no way this isn’t becoming real im so sad it feels like the only way out of this is to die or become a boy. every morning i wake up feeling off? idk how to explain it but i just feel weird the second i wake up. i find no joy in anything i used to do i cant even relate to things about girls anymore. i feel so sad and i really need advice. if this is real please straight up tell me that i need to be transgender and don’t sugar coat it.

I started my OCD journey not long ago, yet for people with OCD or other forms of mental illness, not long can seem like an eternity. For me, OCD has been with me my whole life, but it wasn’t until September of 2023 that I let OCD begin running my life. I was in a constant state of fear, panic, and confusion. Thinking that every disturbing thought I had defined who I was. Thinking that every disturbing or terrifying thought meant I was going crazy or I was doomed to be this way forever. Thinking that, “there’s no medicine, no therapy, no remedy on Earth that could help me and that I was somehow different or worse than anyone else.” And you know what? I believed those thoughts….and I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t win. I have been an athlete my entire life. Played football for 17 years and was always competitive no matter what I was doing. So to me, I saw OCD and Mental Illness as something I could just…learn to beat and be rid of forever. Like the big scary boss you face at the end of a video game. But I was wrong… instead, thinking I could just be rid of OCD forever, actually spiraled into many different OCD types that made my life worse. Suicide OCD, Harm OCD, Existential OCD, and this would turn into full blown panic because I thought my mind was just going to break permanently and I’d be ruined forever. And with my competitive spirit, I constantly felt I was losing, and losing so bad you didn’t want to even try anymore. BUT! I decided that it was time to just… do something. I hated feeling this way, and for those of you that suffer alone i did or still do, you’d do literally ANYTHING to be rid of OCD. I took that statement and said, “I and going to do whatever I need to!” Now, everyone is different! And everyone will react differently to different medicines and different therapies. For me, I refused to take SSRI’s of any kind. Why? Because OCD made me believe that if I took them, only the negative side effects would take over and I would only get worse and worse. My thought pattern was, “ya, if I take this, it could change my life for the better, but what if it makes me want to commit suicide or become so depressed that it becomes my reality?” That alone, scared me so badly that I couldn’t take them because I couldn’t control how my body would react to them. If you currently take them and they work for you, I AM SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL YOU HAVE FOUND SOMETHING THAT HELPS YOU!!! I also didn’t do therapy. Why? Not becuase I didn’t believe in the miracle of ERP or other talk therapies, it is something I wanted more than anything, but couldn’t because my insurance barely covered anything and I couldn’t afford it out of pocket. And my finances was already something that I constantly worried about enough. If you are in therapy, IM PROUD OF YOU AND I PRAY IT IS HELPING YOU OVERCOME YOUR STRUGGLES!! So? What did I do? I learned. I learned. I learned. I learned and studied what OCD is, what it does to you, and how it tricks you. I learned and read many stories of those who are affected by OCD daily and I saw that I was not in fact different or broken. Am I messy? Yes! But humans are messy, and I learned to come to peace with that fact. In addition to learning about others and their stories, I also talked to people about what they did and how they learned to manage. In other words, I sought wisdom of others because I wanted to learn I wasn’t alone! I learned what was making my thoughts worse, and what made my thoughts subside. I learned that OCD is not something I’ll ever be rid of, but rather, something I need to embrace as if it is another piece of me…because it is and always will be. I learned, that while OCD cannot be cured… it can be managed! It can become quieter and you can get your life back! For the past 9 months, all I have worried about is, “what will become of me because I have this incurable illness?” And I know how afraid you feel and how lost and hopeless it can seem. I know! And so does everyone here. I just want you all to know, that you can win! You can overcome! You are stronger than what your mind wants you to think! And in the end, you will become an even better version of yourself for having faced this journey head on.

To see my life now compared to two years ago is unbelievable. There has been such a dramatic shift between who I was then and who I am now. I had my first intrusive thought at age 11. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with OCD until I was 36. I never knew what it was but was glad to put a name to it. A lifetime of suffering. I have struggled with at least four subtypes of OCD. POCD, SO-OCD, Self-Harm/ Suicide OCD, and ROCD. I can now look back on moments throughout my life and say, “wow, that was OCD and I didn’t even know it.” Regardless of the subtype, it’s all OCD. And when you learn how to adjust your behavior and response accordingly, you can heal. I started with my NOCD therapist in January of 2023. I avoided everything-people, places, church, things I loved…all because of OCD. I used sleeping as an avoidance behavior. I couldn’t even drive down the road and go grocery shopping without feeling anxious and triggered. I was ready to do something different. The meds were not working for me. Sure they helped the anxiety and depression to a degree, but they didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts which is what I wanted them to do. I now know and fully understand that you cannot stop your thoughts. You cant stop your obsessions BUT you can control how you react to them. Recovery is not linear by any means and I’ve had MANY ups and downs the past year and a half. But I’m here. I have made it to the other side. And it’s a beautiful place. If you made it this far in reading this, thank you. I want you to know there is hope. You can reach recovery and you can begin to heal. ERP saved my life. I can now step out into situations and settings without totally falling apart. I have learned to handle discomfort. I can spend time with my family, do the things I love and enjoy my life again. Most importantly, I have learned to be self-compassionate. If you’ve been hesitating to start ERP with an OCD specialist, I hope I can encourage you to make that step. It changed me in a wonderful way and I’m so thankful to be equipped with the tools to manage OCD for life!

I'm tired of life

im about to give up. im struggling and nothing helps.i dont wanna be here anymore with these thoughts and fears.

I've been pent up and I know I am but I'm scared to mas****** cuz what if I'm doing it cuz I'm turned on by the thoughts I'm having or think of it during and get off on it. I have been unable to have alone time, havent even tried, just thinking about it scares and disgusts me. this isnt normal. I feel like I want to sometimes and it'll just remind me of the thoughts, sometimes they dont even turn me off. I've never had a sexual relationship before, I dont remember ever being turned on by someone my age or older and sometimes when I have these thoughts I feel like they turn me on. That's what causes the panic most of the time. now when I even look at kids I feel like I have a reaction that I don't want happening. I cant tell if its panic making me feel this way or if its cuz sometimes I pay more attention to my groin to see if it causes a reaction, sometimes I'm not paying attention to it and I have a reaction or what feels like one. In the past when things like this have popped up when i was *yk* it didnt make me feel good, didn't help me finish, it turned me off. I keep reminding myself of that. But having these thoughts sometimes make me feel like I want to touch myself, I don't, I never will after thinking them. I'm scared. children and BABIES aren't sexually attractive. I know that. but it feels like my body doesnt. I am on my period right now, I know it's affecting my hormones but that doesn't change the fact I'm thinking these things, and that any little reaction or feeling I have down there reminds me of those thoughts. Even if its pain, the pain will make me think it because its in that region. I have had these thoughts happen before a few years ago and they went away eventually, I didn't touch myself then either but I had dreams and I know one time the dream (more like nightmare) involved a child. I didn't do anything in the dream nor did the kid, but in the end when I woke up I got off. I was delirious, tired and horny but not delirious enough not to remember it and it's haunting me now. Why was I horny?? cuz of a kid I dreamed of?? a child!!?? just thinking about it now is making me shaky and sick, but why didn't it then?? I think I need serious help, what if this isn't pocd what if I'm just a p***?? I want help so bad. I want to fix this, if it carries on any longer, if I can't get help soon, I might just ki** myself. I'd rather do that than any of the other things my body feels like it wants. It's disgusting and wrong, I'd never hurt a child the way my mind keeps telling me I would, and I'd never do it to get off. So WHY am I having a reaction to these thoughts?? I've tried to acknowledge them without actually accepting them, but it doesn't feel like it's helping. It's just daily panic and confusion.

So rocd keep making me thinking my girlfriend and sick of me, tired, bored and has lost interest. I am resisting my compulsions of talking and asking her about this, facing a lot of anxiety and distress. Two days ago she apologized for being distant and that she feels bad for acting like that and thinks its hurting me. I comforted her. She also said she doesnt know How to express herself Very well and I noticed this even before we started dating. Thing is I didnt say anything to her about my rocd and I always try to look Fine and always try to make she feel better. This made my rocd calm down for a while. It was like a reassurance and now rocd is coming all over again. I fear this because when I listen to rocd I feel extremely depressed and with suicidal thoughts. Last time this happened I started hurting myself and I fear acting out of this and trying to kill myself. Tomorrow I Will talk to my therapist, but I dont know If I Will talk about this, about my girlfriend and us. Sometimes I want to ask my therapist help and sometimes I feel like I am Just deceiving myself into thinking my girlfriend likes me. I dont know what to do.

I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore, everyone else in my life just knows whether or not they’re a bad person and what they’re attracted to, I’m on medication and whilst that helps with the anxiety I’m never going to feel certain that I’m not a bad person so what’s the point in it anymore - I’ve been suffering for years and I just want it to stop. I genuinely don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for besides the people I love.

Anyone else get so deep into the OCD cycle that they can barely disprove the thoughts anymore? Compulsions don’t even help me anymore. I have no relief. I have been thinking about taking my life every day and have no will to live anymore. I can’t see my future, have no idea what life is anymore. I look in the mirror and have a panic attack because I feel like I don’t know the person looking back at me.

I think I might be bipolar keep on having mood swings I go from okay to sad to suicidal to homicidal I don't know why I keep on thinking about killing myself and other people I want to tell my school therapist but I'm scared that she'll be afraid of me I don't know what to do I don't want to hurt anyone but I keep on hearing voices telling me to kill people that I don't like and I can't take it and to kill myself I don't know what's wrong with me I've thought about killing people before when I really got overwhelmed with my thoughts but everyday now I'll keep on thinking about killing myself and other people what should I do I don't know where to go for help because I feel like I'll get in trouble

I grew up very conservative and strict and it definitely fed my ocd. I parted ways with religion because of how I never felt “good enough” even though I tried to follow all of the rules. This was after my church community escorted me from the campus because of the rumor that I was gay, even though I was an 18 year old and had poured my heart and soul into to ministry. Now, even though I’m not religious, I still get so afraid about god and religion and that I’m being “called back to god” like my parents and family begs in their prayers for me every day. Like certain numbers or sayings either feel like messages from god or messages from the devil to try and trick me. The thing is that now, I finally have a comfortable life after being abandoned because they thought I was gay, and I’ve finally rebuilt and have so much better of a life. But I keep getting painful thoughts that this is all a rouse and that satan is intentionally making my life “comfortable” (which I still face a lot of stuff because I have had to grow up and figure things out myself) to trick me from coming back to god. Even though I was severely abused and harmed and manipulated by that community, I’m so scared they are right and that me fighting for my freedom was all a waste, and that I’m going to hell. I do things to mitigate this now like burn incense and repeat phrases and other things but I’m so scared that “god” is trying to save me and call me back to him, and that the people who harmed me so bad were right to and should even more now. It’s so disheartening because I truly feel like I have worked hard to find love and safety with my loving partners and found family. But to my parents, and to my ocd, I’m just living in sin awaiting hell. How do I “expose” myself to this? Like how to I break the fear? It’s lead me to do harmful things to myself, like pulling my head out, scratching, hitting myself, and some other self harm that I feel like I can’t control. It’s really impacting my life and my loved ones now who have seen me conquer so much are now seeing me in such a dark place, and it hurts them too. So the question is are these things signs from god for me to leave this beautiful and safe life I’ve built to fling myself back into a life that is physically and emotionally painful but for the sake of my soul? Or just my ocd that probably stems from growing up in that environment?

How is one supposed to be okay with uncertainty? I don’t think I ever will be. Uncertainty on wether I am a monster, or if I’ll go to jail, or that my family and all of society will shun me and be disgusted with me. I have a real event with false memory and the number one think I find myself saying is I don’t know. I don’t know if I did or didn’t do that I don’t know if my memory is accurate or not I just don’t know. The guilt I wake up with everyday is suffocating and I don’t even know if it’s deserved or not. I don’t know what to do anymore I fear death is the only way out. I hate that I feel sorry for myself I don’t deserve anything at all.

I’m almost 3 months post partum. My baby was in the nicu for about 3 1/2 weeks after birth so we had a rough start. A couple nights after I brought her home I woke up for one of her middle of the night feeds. I made her bottle as usual and started feeding her. I was just looking at her and was all of a sudden bombarded by all of these terrifying thoughts like “what if I stab her.” I was so panicked and nauseated to the point of throwing up. I just knew those intrusive thoughts were the beginning of post partum psychosis and I was going to do something terrible to myself or my baby while in the psychosis. I couldn’t go back to sleep and just cried and cried the next day. I saw my obgyn and was prescribed 25mg of Zoloft and 5mg of buspar. Each day that passed after that I started to feel a letter better. Then I got my first post partum period. After my period I started having panick attacks and terrible chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack so I saw a doctor who ran some tests. Everything came back completely normal and was told I’m just having severe anxiety and am under a lot of stress. So I saw my obgyn again and she upped my Zoloft to 50mg and my buspar to 15mg. The first few days were terrible. I thought I was having a bad reaction to the medication my anxiety was through the roof and I felt absolutely hopeless. My harm ocd was so bad. I thought I was going to take my own life. Not because I wanted to but because I just felt so hopeless. I moved back in with my parents so that there was eyes on me at all times. I was still scared I was going to go into a psychosis and hurt my baby. I felt better after a few days and the medication had started working again. I felt completely normal up until my 2nd post partum period. I’m ten days off of my period and now I’m back at square one. My harm ocd has spiraled. I’m having terrible intrusive thoughts about hurting my baby. I know now I’m not going to go into a psychosis because if I was going to I would have already. When I’m having these thoughts and they don’t make me nauseous I start to obsess over whether or not I’m a dangerous person or capable of being violent. Now I’m stuck on that. The fact that I’m not dwelling on the intrusive thoughts the way I used to has made me question if post partum has turned me into a psychopath or sociopath. I question all of my emotions and wonder if I’m actually feeling the way I think I do or wondering if they’re generic emotions. I’m ferried. Please help.

These past couple days, Ive had 2 huge panic attacks in a row. I’m getting worried because they were kind of the worst theyve ever been. I couldn’t function at all and if my partner weren’t with me, I’m afraid I wouldnt have been able to move or get up. I was convulsing and couldnt stop having the worst intrusive thoughts. I was so disappointed in myself that I started having super intense suicidal thoughts and couldn’t speak. I really hate ocd. I ruined some of the most fun days that were planned out in a trip too. Idk what to do anymore

Hello I am worried I've been taking fluoxetine for almost 3 weeks now I'm taking 2 pills of 20 mg every 24 hrs But my suicidal thoughts have increased and that's saying too much since death has always scared me Also I've been feeling a bit angry like impulsive I made the mistake of reading some people that has committed murder while taking Prozac and idk Maybe it's my ocd but I'm scared and sad I feel bad and alone I'm not sure if I should keep taking the medicine They say things get better with time but I'm not sure

I want to know please