Suicidal ocd

This theme just started for me literally yesterday. I had one thought while taking my Prozac “what if you just took this whole bottle” and now I’m absolutely spiraling. The thoughts feel SO FU**ING REAL!!! I’ve struggled with harm ocd before about loved ones but never about myself. Anybody else go through this? And the thoughts feel so real like I actually do want to and like I am okay with it but I know that I’m not and that id never actually do it. But my brain is trying to convince me that I will. Please tell me I’m not alone with this?!! I am seeing a therapist and do have med management, I’m currently starting over on Prozac because I stopped it when I started feeling better. Bad idea.. because now I’m back at square one. But does anybody else go through this? And because I’m not like full on panicking about the thoughts, that makes me feel even worse. I mean I am anxious about them and like obsessing over the thoughts and whatnot, but I’m not in a full fledge panic either. Idk… just wanna know if anybody else struggles with this too?

Hi everyone if you haven’t read my latest posting I’m ysabelle & I am 16 years old and this is my on going battle with OCD, depression, anxiety and DPDR. To start off if you want to hear my story of how I first got it I have another post up! I wanted to ask if anyone has every experienced existential intrusive thoughts but has suicidal OCD too. I’ve been trying to find some type of comfort because the first theme I had with intrusive thoughts were suicidal/ harm. I’ve learned how to deal with them where they don’t bother me like they used to, long story short I was having existential intrusive thoughts without knowing it. I thought I was developing dementia because I would stare at my mom and an intrusive thought popped up into my head “ what if you don’t know her “ she was my comfort until that day. I was terrified thinking I didn’t know her or recognize her like I used to. Well I wanted to ask if anyone has dealt with suicidal OCD but existential thoughts like “what’s the point of living if we die anyways?” & how did you cope? I was overthinking because I was trying to figure out if I was suicidal because I would get these thoughts and it made me feel uncomfortable and just more defeated and depressed. I now know it’s the existential intrusive thoughts so I do feel a little better. I was thinking these thoughts were coming from me because of my depression but I’m trying everyday !🫶🏻☀️

I write this down to vent and because i see something that bothers me alot. I searched here "suicidal ocd" to not write a post and see what advices others get and i didnt found same problems and the ones i found were actually my old posts. All of the other posts were different to mine, all were the same worrying, and mine was like its more than suicidal ocd. Im dealing with depression now because of a current life event and i see that after waking up i get worse and thats when fear attacks me. In the pain i got hit by "i cant deal with this i will end my life" thought, and it was intrusive, i was feeling so bad after it. But for me it feels like it was a real thought cause of the situation, you know, i was in pain and i felt like i cant handle it and i want relief. But i dont want to kms... and i see people talking about suicidal ideation, how they have both and it scares me that mine feels more similar to that then suicidal ocd. I keep feel like it comes back time after time cause i dont work on it or accept it that im having suicidal thoughts and i need to work on them...it feels so hard to accept im thinking about suicide. Always i think about when my therapist said its real ideation cause i want to escape from pain but i developed ocd over it...i just dont want to accept that. If its reassurance seeking than just tell me that ocd can be like this or send me videos or something were people talk about this,cause i dont know if it can be like this. I just see myself sharing these kind of posts. I dont know what to do, i even tried to accept it as real before, i couldnt handle it... but even the therapist telling me things... i just cant get over it