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Starting my OCD journey tomorrow with NOCD. I’m so ready to get tips and tricks and send this OCD Flying out of the park! Anyone with suicidal OCD that’s newly starting and want to chat?

i read some things about ocd and the different types of it and symptoms and I can honestly relate to them (im not trying to diagnose myself with ocd but I think I have a type of ocd) lemme explain: so like this been happening since the summer. me and my best friend did something sexually together and me and her afterwards wasn’t okay after that and she told me how she felt afterwards and after that I felt totally disgusted and sick about myself and that’s when all the intrusive thoughts started. I keep having the urge to kill myself everyday I keep thinking about death and it’s getting to the point that I can’t eat because after I eat something I immediately think I’m gonna die because I ate something. When I’m at school or in public I have bad anxiety and thoughts about me dying. And after the situation happened with my friend (I’m Christian) I just feel like God is so disappointed in me because what I did. Nobody knows this situation. Nobody knows what’s REALLY going on with me. Im trying to stay strong but it’s getting really hard to im at my breaking point the thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday I wake up with these intrusive intense thoughts. I want help. But idk how to help myself. I try to go to my mom for help she doesn’t understand me nobody understands but me.

I fear I’ve reached the end of my road. I’m scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I’ve struggled with depression for years I’m 27. I can’t see away forward. OCD has consumed me. It sounds nice to not suffer anymore.

It ruins every single day I don't feel like I'm self I have no self worth left I'm a constant mess I'm constantly panicking I can't do this anymore everything triggers me every single day is something new iv been struggling with this for ten years every single day is hell I haven't even eaten in days bearly I spend days obsession and my partner has to help me and it's putting strain on our relationship I can't even express how low I am and how I can't do this anymore I'm constantly having. Seizers from stress I ocd In my sleep it's constant hell everything triggers me I can't do anything without conpoltions I'm constantly in fight or flight and frozen in fear every single day I can't do this anymore

This is getting bad. I genuine believe I’m gay now. Feel like I barely have any attraction to girls. I feel like I’ve always noticed attractive guys, more than girls at times but never thought anything past it. Feels weird calling myself gay but maybe because I’m so deep in denial and can’t understand it. Watched gay porn to check and it worked. Sometimes I get off to it sometimes I don’t. This was different like I tried to actually enjoy it and did. I feel lost and hopeless. I don’t want it to be me but it just feels like I’m stuck with it. I’m supposed to marry the most amazing and supportive girl in 6 months and I feel like I’m doing her a disservice. I was actually doing good and it feels like I’ve been knocked to rock bottom. I just want to be happy. I don’t care who it is anymore. I just want these weird ideas of different identities and realities to go away so I can be happy. I’m to the point where I feel like I have to physically be with a guy and test a new live to figure this out. It makes me want to be sick thinking I’ll betray my fiancée like that but I’m so lost. Please help

I was watching a video about mental health and self hatred was mentioned and as i was listening it, i started feel anxious and then i was like "i hate myself its so bad" and i started to feel depressed. This happened in the past alot of times and with different topics too, but now i was more aware and i could notice, this isnt true. If i would go to therapy and i would tell that i feel depressed cause i hate myself, we would work on loving myself, but now i was aware that its not that the problem. I felt really sad, cause i believed the thought that i hate myself, when i dont, i just struggle a bit now and i cant feel that big loving feeling towards myself as in normal days, and i interpreted that as i hate myself, so i started feeling sad about it. Is this part of ocd? Alot of times it happened that i had a really strong thought like this, i had like "youre depressed, youre a narcisisst, youre suicidal or i was suicidal in the past" and i believed these thoughts, expecially when the feeling of sadness came with them, it was hard to not believe them.

Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

I got triggered again cause randomly i remembered that in the past when ocd got so bad, i started to feel really sad and tired that i have this life, that i cant enjoy it and i got thoughts in my head like i dont want to live like this, then i was like i dont want to die, but idk what to do. Im sure i didnt wanted to die, but now when i hear people talking about dealing with suicidal thoughts, i feel like i can relate cause they tell the same story i had. I got tired and i had thoughts like i dont want to live like this. And i cant see the difference,i dont have this now, im just really sad and triggered about the thing that i might had dealt with suicidal thoughts in a real way, and the more i want to deny it the more shame i feel cause it makes me think that i only avoid it cause of shame but i should accept the fact that i was, which i cant. Also it doesnt help that my therapist said when i eas going to therapy that im not in danger but when life gets hard i want to avoid the pain by dying, and the more i tried to accept this, the more depressed and shame i felt...until i decided i will leave cause it made me feel worse... since then im in war with does she was right? Did i ecperienced suicidal thoughts? Am i just putting this ocd label on it cause it feels better? Im really scared that back in the days i actually experienced real suicidal thoughts, and i cant stop to compare myself to people when i hear its the same pattern i did experienced as people who wanted to end their life...

I feel disgusting and ashamed!!!! My mom texted my sibling and got mad at them because she thought they don’t know to take care of themself and then she said “I’m so exhausted between you and Ishil”. I can’t. I can’t do this. My mom keeps making me believe things SHE thinks about! What if I don’t know how to care of myself?! I try so hard! But then what if I’m not?! I already feel self doubt and she’s triggering me to an extent that I might do self harm and start bleeding!!

So I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm because of incredibly bad depression and self loathing. While I know I probably won’t commit suicide, because I love my family and friends too much to hurt them like that, I also acknowledge that my mentality is incredibly fragile and I could probably change my mind and go through with if faced with any other major problem or challenge. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind, dissociating, and losing connection with reality. I’m tired of feeling this way, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on my emotions. I feel like I’m losing myself, or I’ve already lost myself. And I keep thinking my parents probably don’t love me anymore for not being so funloving and happy as I used to be. I know this probably isn’t true but I’m just waiting for any implication they don’t love me anymore so I can go through with it. I’m hanging on for them and for the hope I can get better, but it’s hard. At one point I even thought about committing suicide after the holidays were over, so I could spend one last holiday with them. But I know things will probably get better and I’d probably regret it more than anything if I tried to go through with it. I’m holding on for dear life and I don’t know if I should tell them. I don’t want to ruin their happiness anymore than I have. I don’t want to cause any distress or pain but I just feel like I have no one else to go to. I don’t have a therapist at the moment, and I won’t talk to my friends about my mental health issues because I’m afraid they’ll pull away. But I’ve already been to the mental hospital twice in the past and it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress and sadness in my family. I don’t want to put them through that again. I feel like if I tell them it’ll make them resent me. I just want this all to stop and go back to the way it was years ago when I was happy and healthy. I have things I want to do, even if it’s only minor, and places I want to see. But I also feel like a failure and a disappointment and I can barely look myself in the mirror because I think I’m so ugly. A part of me just wants to give up but I’m doing my best to hang on. Should I tell them? Or should I just keep it to myself and hope it passes soon?

I don't think I've checked in here the entire month of December. How is everyone doing? The holidays are usually a wonderful joyful time for me but not this year. I've had nearly 2 months of setbacks from November 4th when I had a panic attack till now. Recently a little boy I knew who was close to my son died by the S word and my world has been in shambles. I called 911 Sunday morning for a breakdown because I woke up shaking and gasping for air and my mom and I weren't speaking all of Saturday because we got into a huge fight on Friday night because she said I needed to get over his death even though it only happened a week prior. When the fire department came this one dude was particularly a dick to me saying a need a psychiatrist. I can't get a recent appointment with one anywhere to save my life. The place I do thearpy at the psyche nurse doesn't have an appointment till the end of January and when I called her last month she didn't have any appointments till the end of December. It's literally easier to get a thearpy appointment then it is to get a psychiatrist appointment and it's usually the other way around. The fire department guys kept telling me it wasn't an emergency and asked if I could drive myself to the hospital. I haven't driven since July 2022 since I had a panic attack except around the area around my neighborhood and even then my anxiety and panic had gotten so bad that I don't even really leave the house much due to agoraphobia. Plus I have binocular vision disfunction and I have prism glasses but they don't help. When I try and drive I get lightheaded, panicky and shakey but was never like that before. Drobe 16 years just fine. I find it increasingly irresponsible for someone who is supposed to be there for someone in crisis to ask themselves to drive to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack. Then he asks if anyone else can drive me I said "no, my family isnt speaking to me" not to mention I have a hard time leaving the house due to the fear of panic so going in an ambulance was the best thing for me. I told them I lost a friend to S**cide and I didn't even wanna be here anymore and that's when they shut their mouth. When the paramedics got there they were a lot nicer to me but I literally had to walk into the ambulance and the whole experience was just demeaning. One of the paramedics offered me his church on YouTube I gladly accepted. He said his wife was dealing with panic attacks then went back to church and they stopped. I told him I do my bible app and pray. The ER did nothing for me but took labs and gave me a fricken hydroxizine. I could have taken one of those at home. When they tried to release me I had a panic attack from acute stress. I told them my home life is chaotic. I'm 35 living at home and have no bedroom of my own and there is constant jet noise, loud stereos of people that drive by, my brother on his computer day and night yelling at his video games, loud neighbors who party all night ect....and I just snapped and said I was having bad thoughts. They gave me an ativan (which idk why they didn't before) and just sent me home. Even still I have xanax at home. The way the ER and the fire department treats people having mental crisis is unacceptable. I won't be calling anymore when I am triggered I'll just drug myself up at home or call crisis for a ride to the mental hospital like I did last time. Anyway since then I've had super high anxiety, my doctor increased my buspar 5mg because I asked her too and she was a dick about that too so I'm firing her and getting a new doctor because I dont wanna take zoloft. I've had severe intrusive thoughts and dp/dr. I'm just trying to make it through the holidays and hope for the better. My son flys in on Tuesday and I just wish he was able to come out last year when things were much better and I wasn't sick like this. I wish nocd would accept my insurance (medicaid) I've been waiting since early 2020 and I'm poor I don't work because of my mental illness and can't afford 210 a session. Anyway I hope everyone is okay, just sending so much love because this shit is super scary and debilitating and just know you're not alone, we will get through this.

After trauma I developed harm ocd with the worst kind of thoughts and I am in an existential crisis, its been 1.5 half years like hell for the first year, now I can read books and do sport but the thought doesn’t leave me and I can’t find the strength to just accept it because it’s awful. It’s hard for me to meet friends and act nonchalantly. When I am not reading I feel just depressed and that I don’t want to live anymore. It’s a hard daily fight what can I do more?

Ever since my mom had a recent health scare, I've been obsessing over the inevitability of death, of the people around me, of my loved ones, and of my own. Looking at historical figures, hearing about dead people triggers a lot of these obsessions. Combined with the fact that I'm agnostic, and do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, so a thought that constantly appears and distresses me is the fact that when someone dies, they don't exist anymore, and they wouldn't know they existed. I've been struggling with these thoughts for a few months now, everytime I'm laughing or having fun with someone, an intrusive thought such as "They're going to die one day, and none of this would matter" would pop up, and it prevents me from grounding myself and enjoying the moment with loved ones. It makes me feel alone, and scared. I don't tell anyone about my thoughts, and I do not seek reassurance from them because I know it doesn't help. Some days it's okay, some days it isn't. On really bad days, I secretly wish that I would pass away before anyone that I cherish does so I won't have to bear the pain of losing them. I'm only 19 years old. And I know that my entire life is ahead of me, but with these thoughts, it's hard to visualize my life, and that it's worth living for sometimes. Ever since these thoughts appeared, I lost the ability to make long term plans, and visualize a future that I want because the thoughts tell me that none of it will matter. I know deep inside that what I do matters, and that I matter as well. But these thoughts cloud my judgement, and it takes a toll on me because of how persistent they can be. It's really hard to deal with these thoughts because death is a real concept, something that *will* happen. And because of these obsessions, I've become nihilistic, and I slowly lose the drive to accomplish anything. But I do try to live my life as normal as possible. Do the things I want to do, despite the heavy burden that I carry with me each day.

Today it feels real. I have my online boyfriend my current boyfriend who is perfect and right for me that I want to meet and marry soon. I'm tired of these ex thoughts. I don't want to be with my ex or do anything with my ex. I moved on and I'm happy being with my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I feel like a traitor and a cheater. Why is this happening why does it feel real. I'm hurt having these ex thoughts while being with my boyfriend. I'm tired of having to fight these ex thoughts time and time again. I love my current boyfriend I would never be with my ex or do anything that involves with my ex. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend. I'm trying everything I can to prove these thoughts that I don't want my ex. I'm hurt I'm lost. I'm this close to even ending my life because I keep having these ex thoughts while calling my boyfriend. I don't wanna view or think of my ex. I wanna think of my boyfriend. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend I don't wanna keep contuining this cycle. I want these ex thoughts to stop once in for all and let me be happy again with my current perfect boyfriend.

I feel so hopeless and alone right now. Even seeking therapy seems like a waste of time for me. Im just so tired of battling with my mind everyday and having not much of a support system. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything because even getting through the day feels so hard sometimes.

i don’t know if this falls under a specific theme or is even related to ocd. if someone could help me out i would really appreciate it ever since i was younger, i’ve had really upsetting thoughts about losing my loved ones and it would get to a point where i vividly imagine their death scenes play out in my head and it’s started to effect me during a day-to-day basis. sometimes i even imagine myself dying and the imagery shows me how my friends and family react to my passing usually when i think of something happy, my brain enters this cycle where i begin to think of some upsetting and distressing moment and i cant help but think about it for the rest of the day i’ve had a common fear of death for a really long time, but it’s gotten really bad now is this a form of some intrusive thought? please let me know what you think

Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

If you want to read the whole thing read my last post. Its sad that suicidal ocd posts get ignored, i see alot of people doesnt get cooments to their posts about suicidal ocd. Hopefully one day it changes I talked about getting so frustrated with the thoughts and sad, that your mind goes into "maybe i should do it cause its hopeless, i never recover, i had enough" and i feel frustrated and and angry so anxiety cant show itself, so then the situation is that i feel hopeless and my thoughts starts to engage with the suicidal ocd and i get feelings like its hopeless i should do it. Does anyone experienced this? And it doesnt counts as real suicidal problem, but in this situation is hard to decide