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Starting my OCD journey tomorrow with NOCD. I’m so ready to get tips and tricks and send this OCD Flying out of the park! Anyone with suicidal OCD that’s newly starting and want to chat?

i read some things about ocd and the different types of it and symptoms and I can honestly relate to them (im not trying to diagnose myself with ocd but I think I have a type of ocd) lemme explain: so like this been happening since the summer. me and my best friend did something sexually together and me and her afterwards wasn’t okay after that and she told me how she felt afterwards and after that I felt totally disgusted and sick about myself and that’s when all the intrusive thoughts started. I keep having the urge to kill myself everyday I keep thinking about death and it’s getting to the point that I can’t eat because after I eat something I immediately think I’m gonna die because I ate something. When I’m at school or in public I have bad anxiety and thoughts about me dying. And after the situation happened with my friend (I’m Christian) I just feel like God is so disappointed in me because what I did. Nobody knows this situation. Nobody knows what’s REALLY going on with me. Im trying to stay strong but it’s getting really hard to im at my breaking point the thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday I wake up with these intrusive intense thoughts. I want help. But idk how to help myself. I try to go to my mom for help she doesn’t understand me nobody understands but me.

I fear I’ve reached the end of my road. I’m scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I’ve struggled with depression for years I’m 27. I can’t see away forward. OCD has consumed me. It sounds nice to not suffer anymore.

It ruins every single day I don't feel like I'm self I have no self worth left I'm a constant mess I'm constantly panicking I can't do this anymore everything triggers me every single day is something new iv been struggling with this for ten years every single day is hell I haven't even eaten in days bearly I spend days obsession and my partner has to help me and it's putting strain on our relationship I can't even express how low I am and how I can't do this anymore I'm constantly having. Seizers from stress I ocd In my sleep it's constant hell everything triggers me I can't do anything without conpoltions I'm constantly in fight or flight and frozen in fear every single day I can't do this anymore

This is getting bad. I genuine believe I’m gay now. Feel like I barely have any attraction to girls. I feel like I’ve always noticed attractive guys, more than girls at times but never thought anything past it. Feels weird calling myself gay but maybe because I’m so deep in denial and can’t understand it. Watched gay porn to check and it worked. Sometimes I get off to it sometimes I don’t. This was different like I tried to actually enjoy it and did. I feel lost and hopeless. I don’t want it to be me but it just feels like I’m stuck with it. I’m supposed to marry the most amazing and supportive girl in 6 months and I feel like I’m doing her a disservice. I was actually doing good and it feels like I’ve been knocked to rock bottom. I just want to be happy. I don’t care who it is anymore. I just want these weird ideas of different identities and realities to go away so I can be happy. I’m to the point where I feel like I have to physically be with a guy and test a new live to figure this out. It makes me want to be sick thinking I’ll betray my fiancée like that but I’m so lost. Please help

I was watching a video about mental health and self hatred was mentioned and as i was listening it, i started feel anxious and then i was like "i hate myself its so bad" and i started to feel depressed. This happened in the past alot of times and with different topics too, but now i was more aware and i could notice, this isnt true. If i would go to therapy and i would tell that i feel depressed cause i hate myself, we would work on loving myself, but now i was aware that its not that the problem. I felt really sad, cause i believed the thought that i hate myself, when i dont, i just struggle a bit now and i cant feel that big loving feeling towards myself as in normal days, and i interpreted that as i hate myself, so i started feeling sad about it. Is this part of ocd? Alot of times it happened that i had a really strong thought like this, i had like "youre depressed, youre a narcisisst, youre suicidal or i was suicidal in the past" and i believed these thoughts, expecially when the feeling of sadness came with them, it was hard to not believe them.

Is it worth being here if I’m so unhappy and struggling with my self and everything in my life? When I’m this hateful scum? I just feel awful and wish I didn’t have to put up with this, or myself. I’m sorry

I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and groinals for over a year and a half now, and the problem has only grown worse and worse. It began with just passing thoughts, and then I started developing groinals a few months in. It is genuinely with everything I love- mostly my family, but also my dogs, the toddler I babysit- and I am suffering so so so much. Eventually, it got to the point where the thoughts didn’t just pass- they would turn into a MINDSET for me and cloud my judgement for seconds to minutes. I feel like I’m in the backseat of my mind, and whatever disgusting irrational monster exists in their is taking the wheel. This still sometimes happens to me, and after it passes I look back on it and genuinely don’t want to live because of how horrible and disgusting I feel. I’m writing this because I just had a really bad moment having to do with my sibling (although things like that happen almost every day to me). No normal human is built for this, and I genuinely can’t do this anymore. I’m not expecting anyone to do anything, as I’m already getting help, but I just needed to get this out. Also, I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I’ll have the WORST and most awful intrusive moments, and then after a bit of time passes I can barely remember how I felt in that moment. It is so hard to feel okay with myself. If anyone even sees this, know that I am wishing for all your happiness and recovery.

I got triggered again cause randomly i remembered that in the past when ocd got so bad, i started to feel really sad and tired that i have this life, that i cant enjoy it and i got thoughts in my head like i dont want to live like this, then i was like i dont want to die, but idk what to do. Im sure i didnt wanted to die, but now when i hear people talking about dealing with suicidal thoughts, i feel like i can relate cause they tell the same story i had. I got tired and i had thoughts like i dont want to live like this. And i cant see the difference,i dont have this now, im just really sad and triggered about the thing that i might had dealt with suicidal thoughts in a real way, and the more i want to deny it the more shame i feel cause it makes me think that i only avoid it cause of shame but i should accept the fact that i was, which i cant. Also it doesnt help that my therapist said when i eas going to therapy that im not in danger but when life gets hard i want to avoid the pain by dying, and the more i tried to accept this, the more depressed and shame i felt...until i decided i will leave cause it made me feel worse... since then im in war with does she was right? Did i ecperienced suicidal thoughts? Am i just putting this ocd label on it cause it feels better? Im really scared that back in the days i actually experienced real suicidal thoughts, and i cant stop to compare myself to people when i hear its the same pattern i did experienced as people who wanted to end their life...

Hello everyone. I am new and have recently been diagnosed with ocd. I have a lot of pain and sadness. I always feel lonely and neglected. I had a difficult childhood which also caused me to develop CPTSD. My obsessive thoughts are mainly about my partner. I always want to know what's going on with her, where she is, what she's doing. I want her to listen to me and me first. He keeps in touch with his exes on a friendly level, but I feel my "place" is in danger even though we have discussed it in vain. I keep thinking about her and the possibility of a rekindling with her ex. That she talks to other people more than me. Too independent and I feel my place is in danger again. I guess I'm not good enough, not supportive enough. I often think I'm not loved and I'm a reserve. We have talked about this many times, yet I keep having these things going on in my head. I have severe anxiety and I keep losing weight. I have suicidal thoughts every day. I don't know what to do because I don't want to be like this. I feel sick and toxic.

I did think about the past, where i was and where i am now, and im happy that God helped me through this journey. While i was doing this i just remembered about the times when i felt really low and i was tired of ocd and that i cant live my life, and i was like i cant do this. I had enough. I think many deals with this and its okay to let it out cause if you keep stuck in you it will be worse. So i view that now as things got hard and i couldnt handle everything so i let that out. But that was followed by suicidal thoughts. I didnt wanted to do it but sometimed when i was so tired i didnt felt that anxiety or a specific feeling that i interpreted it as a sign that i dont want these thoughts, so it felt real. Now i know this is part of ocd too. But i have other problems now. Everytime when you hear someone talking aboit suicidal thoughts and their battle with them, you hear it as things got hard and they had suicidal thoughts cause they were tired of living like that. Or there is a thing people say that "i didnt wanted to die, i just didnt wanted to live like that". And i remember in the past too this triggered me, cause its the same i felt. If you think about it, we experience the same, i was tired that my life sucks, that i cant enjoy it, i felt really sad and it was unfair, felt hopeless at that time, and then the suicidal thoughts came... if you tell this to someone this sounds like someone who deals with suicidal thoughts and its on danger. I even read about people who had suicidal thoughts but hated them and felt depressed about them, and i compared myself to them, cause it was the same, i felt shame and sad about the thoughts of suicide in my head. So till this day i dont really understand whats the difference, and sometimes i get triggered cause im afraid i actually dealt with that... its also annoying that when people talk about suicidal ocd, the thoughts you hear about is just random pop up what if thoughts, but noone mentions these kind of thoights, and you only hear about them in videos where people are real suicidsl people... so someone who got through this, how you can tell the difference when dealing with suicidal thoughts sounds the same as ocd? Expecially in times when we really feel low and feel tired about our life? Cause i say again, the symptoms sounds the same, tired about the current situation, wanting to get out of pain, wanting to stop the suffering, like everyone who feel tired wants to avoid the pain...

I feel disgusting and ashamed!!!! My mom texted my sibling and got mad at them because she thought they don’t know to take care of themself and then she said “I’m so exhausted between you and Ishil”. I can’t. I can’t do this. My mom keeps making me believe things SHE thinks about! What if I don’t know how to care of myself?! I try so hard! But then what if I’m not?! I already feel self doubt and she’s triggering me to an extent that I might do self harm and start bleeding!!

So I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm because of incredibly bad depression and self loathing. While I know I probably won’t commit suicide, because I love my family and friends too much to hurt them like that, I also acknowledge that my mentality is incredibly fragile and I could probably change my mind and go through with if faced with any other major problem or challenge. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind, dissociating, and losing connection with reality. I’m tired of feeling this way, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on my emotions. I feel like I’m losing myself, or I’ve already lost myself. And I keep thinking my parents probably don’t love me anymore for not being so funloving and happy as I used to be. I know this probably isn’t true but I’m just waiting for any implication they don’t love me anymore so I can go through with it. I’m hanging on for them and for the hope I can get better, but it’s hard. At one point I even thought about committing suicide after the holidays were over, so I could spend one last holiday with them. But I know things will probably get better and I’d probably regret it more than anything if I tried to go through with it. I’m holding on for dear life and I don’t know if I should tell them. I don’t want to ruin their happiness anymore than I have. I don’t want to cause any distress or pain but I just feel like I have no one else to go to. I don’t have a therapist at the moment, and I won’t talk to my friends about my mental health issues because I’m afraid they’ll pull away. But I’ve already been to the mental hospital twice in the past and it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress and sadness in my family. I don’t want to put them through that again. I feel like if I tell them it’ll make them resent me. I just want this all to stop and go back to the way it was years ago when I was happy and healthy. I have things I want to do, even if it’s only minor, and places I want to see. But I also feel like a failure and a disappointment and I can barely look myself in the mirror because I think I’m so ugly. A part of me just wants to give up but I’m doing my best to hang on. Should I tell them? Or should I just keep it to myself and hope it passes soon?

I don't think I've checked in here the entire month of December. How is everyone doing? The holidays are usually a wonderful joyful time for me but not this year. I've had nearly 2 months of setbacks from November 4th when I had a panic attack till now. Recently a little boy I knew who was close to my son died by the S word and my world has been in shambles. I called 911 Sunday morning for a breakdown because I woke up shaking and gasping for air and my mom and I weren't speaking all of Saturday because we got into a huge fight on Friday night because she said I needed to get over his death even though it only happened a week prior. When the fire department came this one dude was particularly a dick to me saying a need a psychiatrist. I can't get a recent appointment with one anywhere to save my life. The place I do thearpy at the psyche nurse doesn't have an appointment till the end of January and when I called her last month she didn't have any appointments till the end of December. It's literally easier to get a thearpy appointment then it is to get a psychiatrist appointment and it's usually the other way around. The fire department guys kept telling me it wasn't an emergency and asked if I could drive myself to the hospital. I haven't driven since July 2022 since I had a panic attack except around the area around my neighborhood and even then my anxiety and panic had gotten so bad that I don't even really leave the house much due to agoraphobia. Plus I have binocular vision disfunction and I have prism glasses but they don't help. When I try and drive I get lightheaded, panicky and shakey but was never like that before. Drobe 16 years just fine. I find it increasingly irresponsible for someone who is supposed to be there for someone in crisis to ask themselves to drive to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack. Then he asks if anyone else can drive me I said "no, my family isnt speaking to me" not to mention I have a hard time leaving the house due to the fear of panic so going in an ambulance was the best thing for me. I told them I lost a friend to S**cide and I didn't even wanna be here anymore and that's when they shut their mouth. When the paramedics got there they were a lot nicer to me but I literally had to walk into the ambulance and the whole experience was just demeaning. One of the paramedics offered me his church on YouTube I gladly accepted. He said his wife was dealing with panic attacks then went back to church and they stopped. I told him I do my bible app and pray. The ER did nothing for me but took labs and gave me a fricken hydroxizine. I could have taken one of those at home. When they tried to release me I had a panic attack from acute stress. I told them my home life is chaotic. I'm 35 living at home and have no bedroom of my own and there is constant jet noise, loud stereos of people that drive by, my brother on his computer day and night yelling at his video games, loud neighbors who party all night ect....and I just snapped and said I was having bad thoughts. They gave me an ativan (which idk why they didn't before) and just sent me home. Even still I have xanax at home. The way the ER and the fire department treats people having mental crisis is unacceptable. I won't be calling anymore when I am triggered I'll just drug myself up at home or call crisis for a ride to the mental hospital like I did last time. Anyway since then I've had super high anxiety, my doctor increased my buspar 5mg because I asked her too and she was a dick about that too so I'm firing her and getting a new doctor because I dont wanna take zoloft. I've had severe intrusive thoughts and dp/dr. I'm just trying to make it through the holidays and hope for the better. My son flys in on Tuesday and I just wish he was able to come out last year when things were much better and I wasn't sick like this. I wish nocd would accept my insurance (medicaid) I've been waiting since early 2020 and I'm poor I don't work because of my mental illness and can't afford 210 a session. Anyway I hope everyone is okay, just sending so much love because this shit is super scary and debilitating and just know you're not alone, we will get through this.

Today was a very hard day in my head. I am incredibly convinced that I am a p or I was one as a teen and I feel so incredibly worried and alone and defeated and scared. I’ve been thinking about things I did in the past and I feel very scared and convinced I am this person. I’m so messed up. I’m tired and I don’t want to die but I’m also suicidal and I just want it to end. I can’t do it. I need help but I can’t get therapy right now. I’m really not doing well.

After trauma I developed harm ocd with the worst kind of thoughts and I am in an existential crisis, its been 1.5 half years like hell for the first year, now I can read books and do sport but the thought doesn’t leave me and I can’t find the strength to just accept it because it’s awful. It’s hard for me to meet friends and act nonchalantly. When I am not reading I feel just depressed and that I don’t want to live anymore. It’s a hard daily fight what can I do more?

I have been off my main cuts of help for a little over 1-2 months now and I've gone bonkers in my relationship ocd problems. One is I ran to my partner's house confessing all my thoughts all my little actions about it. They seemed angry but still I knew a part of them understood i didn't cheat. But my brain is in such pain. It just keeps playing scenarios with random people like romantic ones with anyone and just keeps saying "you could have so much fun being single" "you could date anyone" and it makes me feel guilty I don't know what I want anymore I just am so confused. I love my partner. I want to be with him. So why is my brain sending me this? It also just keeps replaying all my old thoughts and everything within it just all my intrusive thoughts from years ago and making me feel bad. I feel like I'm on trial idk what to do. I feel hopeless, it's caused me to feel s**cid** and I don't wanna be a burden on my family and him. Side note, I just got back on Zoloft after going cold turkey for 2 months.

Hi! So I just recently got my OCD diagnosis but I haven’t really seen any of my symptoms listed anywhere online. I’m mainly pure O, but I do have one physical compulsion where I am constantly cracking my knuckles/ other joints. To the point where I cant go over 45 seconds without cracking something without being incredibly uncomfortable unless I’m asleep. It doesn’t help that I have super lax joints so cracking repetitively is just something my body naturally allows. I feel so awkward going on dates/ job interviews/ work meetings/ etc… where I’m around new people because everyone I’m close to in life knows and just accepts the cracking since it’s been going on since at least middle school, but to new people it must seem incredibly rude if not just plain annoying. I also do not have to crack a certain amount of times, but I have to get a “satisfying” crack before I can do anything else. It started interfering with work to certain extents because I could have my report all typed up and then sit there for 5-10 minutes before being able to hit send because I HAD to get the right crack before doing anything else. Or when I have a patient that I’m taking vitals on and pause for a solid 3-4 minutes after putting the blood pressure cuff on them because I can’t continue until I get the right crack. As for the “O” part, I feel like my thoughts don’t fit neatly into a single category of OCD. There will be nights (most of them lately) where I cannot sleep because I’m overthinking things to the point that I become suicidal. Not to the point of acting on it, but where I simply want to give up and not exist. Most of these thoughts seem to be about things from my past that I consider embarrassing. For example, I went on a date with a girl about a year ago now where I word vomited and was so embarrassed about it that I still think about it daily. I have since gone on dates with many other woman and don’t have any attachment to the girl this date was with, but I think back on how awkward I was and the self loathing is fueled for the night. If I hang out with friends or people I’m super comfortable with and I say something stupid, not even thinking about it in the moment, I’ll go home at night and think about it until I’m nauseous and crippled with sadness and regret. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately because I can’t seem to quiet the thoughts and I just get so worked up. Night time is definitely the worst for me as its typically when I have the downtime to sit with my thoughts as opposed to during the day when I’m working or out with friends my mind has other things on it. I also go through really bad obsessions, different from thoughts that keep me awake at night but just things that I become utterly obsessed with for weeks on end (if not more). For example, I was watching the show Supergirl a couple months ago and got so incredibly obsessed with it that once I finished, I had a huge depressive episode and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week. And the obsession continued for weeks after. This sounds more like ADHD to me but I thought I’d throw it in here as a symptom as well since I’m still super new to the diagnosis and am not 100% what is what. Lastly, I have a weird thing that’s been going on for years now where I’m deathly afraid of intimacy. I’ve had long term relationships, and along with them sexual relationships, but overall I am so uncomfortable with anyone perceiving me that the past couple months I have not been able to even put myself out there because I’m so scared of being judged. I dated a guy for 4 years and maybe made out with him 2-3 times the entire relationship because I was scared of kissing because I felt like I wasn’t experienced enough with it and was always overthinking everything that I just never pushed through and got myself comfortable. Its been 3 years now since that relationship ended and I’m still scared of kissing someone or touching them in case I am doing something wrong. I don’t mind being kissed or touched as much as I mind starting the act myself. I’m just so self conscious about anything that has to do with my body that I feel like I cant function as a normal human. I also have an issue where I can’t eat in front of anyone other than a few close friends or family. I feel like I gave myself an eating disorder because I don’t want to be seen doing anything with my body that I don’t have to, and it’s made some normal life tasks incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been really depressed lately and have been having a hard time managing my health, work, and school all together. I’m not sure if this is due to the OCD or just depression on its own, but that’s another worth mentioning I guess. A lot of these symptoms I assumed were maybe autism for a long time, and I thought maybe the finger cracking was tourette’s at first, but I was given an OCD diagnosis and am curious if anyone else has anything similar going on with them because I really cant seem to find anything relatable online. Part of me feels like I may have been incorrectly diagnosed, so I would love to hear from others!

This is my first post on this forum and I want to share my experience with OCD so far. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Harm OCD about 2 months ago. However, my OCD reached new heights at the beginning of 2023. My OCD began to manifest as extreme anxiety about my health, specifically my appendix and my heart. I was obsessed with a “made up” pain in my stomach and I constantly pushed on my stomach to the point that I bruised it. I ended up going to the hospital, spending thousands of dollars just for a doctor to tell me everything was fine. 15 minutes after leaving the hospital, the reassurance was gone and I was still worried. As that obsession fizzled out, I began to obsess over my heart and I had terrible panic attacks to the point that I could not breathe, I had physical pain in my chest, tightness, and pain in my left arm. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Back to the hospital… and guess what? Thousands spent and the doctor said nothing was wrong. So I went and started doing traditional talk therapy and I did not follow the guidance and sort of faked my way through therapy and then my OCD reached an all new height and ventured into a very dark place: Harm OCD. It started while I was laying in bed and the thought was harm yourself, there were many ways that popped into my head constantly and I had to wake up my Dad to have a talk and get a plan. We scheduled an appointment for my therapist and at this point ultimately ended up scheduling with an OCD therapist. Shortly after the self harm ocd spiked, my ocd began changing themes to harming others. It seems ways to harm will just pop in, regardless of a trigger, and I started Zoloft which has calmed my anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel so numb it’s terrifying. Has anyone ever questioned their wants when dealing with with vivid harm thoughts that don’t go away? Do you question if these thoughts really bother you?

Ever since my mom had a recent health scare, I've been obsessing over the inevitability of death, of the people around me, of my loved ones, and of my own. Looking at historical figures, hearing about dead people triggers a lot of these obsessions. Combined with the fact that I'm agnostic, and do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, so a thought that constantly appears and distresses me is the fact that when someone dies, they don't exist anymore, and they wouldn't know they existed. I've been struggling with these thoughts for a few months now, everytime I'm laughing or having fun with someone, an intrusive thought such as "They're going to die one day, and none of this would matter" would pop up, and it prevents me from grounding myself and enjoying the moment with loved ones. It makes me feel alone, and scared. I don't tell anyone about my thoughts, and I do not seek reassurance from them because I know it doesn't help. Some days it's okay, some days it isn't. On really bad days, I secretly wish that I would pass away before anyone that I cherish does so I won't have to bear the pain of losing them. I'm only 19 years old. And I know that my entire life is ahead of me, but with these thoughts, it's hard to visualize my life, and that it's worth living for sometimes. Ever since these thoughts appeared, I lost the ability to make long term plans, and visualize a future that I want because the thoughts tell me that none of it will matter. I know deep inside that what I do matters, and that I matter as well. But these thoughts cloud my judgement, and it takes a toll on me because of how persistent they can be. It's really hard to deal with these thoughts because death is a real concept, something that *will* happen. And because of these obsessions, I've become nihilistic, and I slowly lose the drive to accomplish anything. But I do try to live my life as normal as possible. Do the things I want to do, despite the heavy burden that I carry with me each day.