HOCD and want to die

This is getting bad. I genuine believe I’m gay now. Feel like I barely have any attraction to girls. I feel like I’ve always noticed attractive guys, more than girls at times but never thought anything past it. Feels weird calling myself gay but maybe because I’m so deep in denial and can’t understand it. Watched gay porn to check and it worked. Sometimes I get off to it sometimes I don’t. This was different like I tried to actually enjoy it and did. I feel lost and hopeless. I don’t want it to be me but it just feels like I’m stuck with it. I’m supposed to marry the most amazing and supportive girl in 6 months and I feel like I’m doing her a disservice. I was actually doing good and it feels like I’ve been knocked to rock bottom. I just want to be happy. I don’t care who it is anymore. I just want these weird ideas of different identities and realities to go away so I can be happy. I’m to the point where I feel like I have to physically be with a guy and test a new live to figure this out. It makes me want to be sick thinking I’ll betray my fiancée like that but I’m so lost. Please help

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Don’t worry I’m dealing with the same. Think way before ocd, when I would be out and noticed girls and yeah sometimes be like damn she’s fine or small little intrusive thought like yeah I can see myself with someone like her. But my character, I never went out all girl crazy having to feel something inside and out for every girl that passes by when I was normal. Since now i have SOOCD and randomly tocd. your mind is on alert because it went threw the fear. So I even do this, every female I encounter I’m exaggerating looking at them trying to feel something. & I don’t get it because ocd is like a dog in a cage. Waiting for you to not be as attractive to her so the thought can say, “ see your gay you didn’t feel anything”. It’s weird man, but take a step back and appreciate that your alive. & have time to heal and figure this out. Ocd won’t change you, it just would definitely make you feel like it. I struggle with soocd so bad too because I want a wife one day and it definitely came and latched to what I value. Tocd came threw panic thought that somehow freaked me out too. But don’t worry, people relate just kick back and let it pass. Our future is bright man🤘🏼🫡

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

If you want to talk too lmk I know it’s reassurance but aye man. We are the ones struggling so sometimes gotta lean on each other to help out with the tools we know 🤘🏼

Mt2019

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Hey you responded to a post a couple months ago. Can I ask you a question

yessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

You’re not alone!

Mt2019

Date posted: 1y ago

@yessyess Thank you I appreciate it

pengunaranja

Date posted: 1y ago

Don't act, just live and enjoy the time with her, You don't have to make a change you know? You can take the decision to not do anything;) live, don't get stuck in the thoughts, hope you get to keep moving on with your life without giving a fvck about them thoughts, also, we as humans Will feel things for people touching other or themselves, Even straight people Will have reactions to someone touching themselves

pengunaranja

Date posted: 1y ago

Don't check, don't watch porn, everyone Will have a reaction seeing someone naked and touching themselves, AND MORE when You are hyper concentrated in your intimate parts, don't worry, keep trying it with her, You loved her once, why would OCD hange that????

Mt2019

Date posted: 1y ago

@mimuuzz That’s a good point thank you very much

Lizzie

Date posted: 1y ago

Lots of people enjoy same sex porn and watch it regularly, even if they identify as straight and are in relationships. I mean, some heterosexual couples will even watch it together, this doesn’t mean you are gay. Also, forcing yourself to try and feel attraction to girls, when you are being controlled by OCD, will most likely make you not feel attraction, because losing attraction is a common symptom of OCD. It’s how it rolls, and it will make you feel attracted to the same sex, but you must have been attracted to your fiancé before all of this. OCD is very cunning and convincing, to the point it can make some people go and test, but that’s not the answer, dealing with OCD is the answer. Maybe get into therapy if you haven’t already, because leaving the life you’ve built behind because of OCD would be a great sadness. I hope you reach a more peaceful place with this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 51w ago

Same man

allyocd

Date posted: 10w ago

Idk if I can do this anymore

It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.

Sexual Orientation OCD

ocd1101

Date posted: 8w ago

I feel absolutely horrible!!

I had same Sex fantasies, sought that out in 🌽 before I knew what sexuality was, it’s related to a specific fetish and I used to talk to strangers online including men and I’m scared now what all of this means, I have HOCD, POCD, all sorts of thoughts but I don’t know if it’s my thoughts or my past which is reality. Why did I have those thoughts as a young boy? Why why why? Who am I? Do I even have OCD? What monster am I? I just want to end it all sometimes in all honesty. Not really but sure feels like it. I’m dying inside .

Ellie.

Date posted: 7w ago

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

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HOCD and want to die

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