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I want to have a crush on Pennywise cause I just think he looks good character wise but people say his true form is female but the Robert gray is also supposed to be Pennywise which is male. I don’t want to have a crush on a female character eww. So I need someone’s help on the it lore I’m ruminating on this character cause I have a fictional crush on Pennywise and no one understands me. And the IT creature is supposed to be female so doesn’t that sadly mean the clown is female? SOS please send help

TW// mention of pdf, Reddit Long post Feeling gross and icky. In the past I made an in detailed Reddit post about my pocd and trauma and sxual theme ocd including mas/turbaton as a compulsion. Anyways I had a full blown IN DETAIL convo with someone who progressively was being weirder but I ignored red flags because people with ocd sometimes talk as if they are criminal and like what ocd throws at them, I’ve seen it on here on NOCD with people who vent . Anyways I was relating to them from an ocd standpoint, they immediately mentioned they do not want to do these things etc. also mentioned rocd and asked if they had a partner and had normal feelings and still was able to have sx with them normally but still had pocd and it make things weird. and eventually as convo went on once they said something that I couldn’t ignore and was actually in my face that they were a pdf I stopped responding …. I think I blocked them but then they deleted their account as a whole. Everytime I re read , I can understand what im saying from an ocd standpoint, but a PDF reading my msgs would think I agree with them, and I think that’s what he thought, and was sortve maneuvering around what I was saying until he saw that I actually was weirded out cause after he said something weird about controlling himself I said wym? He explained that’s when I stopped responding. That’s when he disabled. There’s so many msgs im reading where I shouldve just STOPPEDDDDD RESPONDINGGG. I was just trying to talk about ocd and my own experiences and didn’t just want to assume he was a pdf bc I’ve heard it all on here NOCD and still thought the person had ocd and wasn’t a pdf I just feel terrible. Like a P enabler. I guess all I can say is maybe maybe not. I stopped responding bc I felt uncomfortable and that he was an actual p. If me continuing in convo for longer than I should’ve bc now im uncomfortable looking back on it, then I can just take that as don’t continue a convo that ur trying to dismiss as being uncomfortable… Don’t try to excuse weird things people are saying because you want to be open minded and not judge.

There’s something that happens that keeps me stuck in a thought, it’s when I can see some part of myself agreeing with or relating to it in some way. That’s when the doubt creeps in. If I can understand *why* the thought is there, doesn’t that mean it’s not just random? Doesn’t that mean it actually reflects something about me? For example **(TMI/TW)**: I had the thought, *“I wonder what other people’s kinks are (including friends, family, even teenagers).”* And then I caught myself thinking, *“Well, I guess that could be interesting information… maybe I wouldn’t even stop someone from sharing it with me. Does that mean I actually want to know? Wait—does that make me perverted or incestuous for even having this curiosity?”* The same thing has happened with other thoughts, like wondering what someone’s privates might look like. I recognize that, on some level, that could be interesting—but does that mean the thought is truly mine? Maybe the answer is super obvious and I just can’t see through my OCD smoke. This was a bit embarrassing for me to write 🥲, but can anyone provide some insight?

I’m on my period and o think my ocd feels a little worse today… I feel anxious and like something bad is about to happen, like I can’t move or talk cause I’ll freak out or snap and do something. Also I had a gronial response about an SA topic and I feel horrible, I’ve noticed that I do have these gronials as if I’m actually into that but idk if it can happen that you have the gronial and think “oh I’m horny, not about this but I am” is that possible? Idk how to say it… also I think I just want reassurance but I’m also scared…

I remember as a child playing mums and dads with my childhood friend. I remember we said we need to kiss because that’s what mums and dads do. So we used to peck eachother and I remember back then liking it and I guess feeling tingly if that’s even possible as a child??? I remember back then just thinking it was fine because we were just playing mums and dads. I didn’t have a ‘crush’ on her! She was always just my family friend ! I remember my mum coming in and seeing us and saying what are you doing blah blah and then I remember feeling guilty then! I’m just so stressed because I’ve never fancied or wanted to be with a girl romantically or physically and the only ‘proof’ is stuff I did as a child. I’m literally soo sooo anxious Everytime I think of it!!! I just want to be with my bf and be happy like I was before my so ocd relapse!? Does anyone else have childhood memories like this that just haunt you!!!.

Important: i am trying to not look for affirmation For a few years now i have been having ocd , i did not get the official diagnosis but my therapist did the official test and it came to like mild ocd ( only not official because i have not and dont want to go to the psychiatrist because i dont want médication and i want to be sure that it is not internalised homophobia also) I have also struggled with pocd for a few months but soocd and rocd are the ones that stay always I have been in a relationship for Almost a year and as in my previous relationships my doubts and personal problems create me to feel weird about my bf, being irritable, not able to enjoy or being unhappy I also do think i can be bi or am bi , i am still questioning I have so many intrusive thoughts and when i for exemple do not fzel like kissing my bf on the lipstick i image it with a girl and it feels like i would want it then or i would be happiee but i also dont want it I am scared that it is internalised homophobia and not ocd and that i dont like men I feel very confused and sad and blocked in my life I feel like if i break up i will be in a relationship with a woman but it makes me sad because that is not what i want ( but you can also be gay and not wanting it) I am so sorry ,i feel so confused and dont know what to do sometimes , i just want to do the right thing for me and my partner Can someone relate or have some support I feel lonely with these feelings

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

I have HOCD, as female who identified as straight until before hocd hit me. Now if I state my orientation it would be a compulsion. I keep watching wlw, lesbians scenes, bisexual women dating reels, and stuff, and it scares me. I do that for erp and whenever I see it I become very sad. Like some problem to be solved, like something that won't let me be happy at all. I focus on the anxiety, but it's so hard to not get involved in the compulsions, most of the times I have absolute control, other times I fall weak . I have periods where I don't have those thoughts about women and it feels so liberating, so safe to be in my own skin. OCD makes me doubt everything and I wish to depart from this body and mind and inhabit another, with a clearer mindset, a clear non ocd brain. I hate this. I have read so much about my disease, did my research by reading books by well known coaches in the ocd community, and there are times I still wonder if it is ocd. The therapist I went to was actually horrible and she told me it was not ocd, and I should try to be straight and that women kissing was just something born out of curiosity and lack of options. How primitive. She also said that I didn't think like a lesbian/ gay because she "knew what the lesbians and gays were going through when they came to her". I was better off not going to her. I wonder at times if I act on groinals with no consequent shame, It would mean that I enjoy it. However from the first day of research I had concluded that groinals mean nothing. Loved watching wlw as much as bls, but had never associated myself with it. My next fear is being around someone who is experimenting and I keep having thoughts like maybe I would love to experiment and what if I ended up liking it? It's so tiring. What words, and things did you try as erp ? Also how advisable is it to interact with the thoughts beyond "maybe yes maybe no"? Please do share if you have some advice on this part :)

I am really freaking out. My OCD has developed into some weird things where it’s mostly my imagination and me moving. I got the thought earlier that if I thrust my hips, or move them, let it be to the thought of a child/family being in front of me, cuddling with them. I thought that was ridiculous and obviously no matter what I imagine, NOT REAL. So I did that a bunch of times in an effort to prove to myself that it was ridiculous. I don’t know what to do, because now, a few hours later, I feel horrified. I keep doing it. I don’t think I’m checking anything, I think I’m more so desperate to get rid of this fear and ridiculousness. Can someone please help me?

At this point I think I’m just tired. Took me a massive amount of strength to even type this. I’ve never had it this bad with anxiety depression and OCD. Firstly, how do you guys handle the trauma that comes with OCD. I recently realized Ive traumatized by own mind. I think this contributes to depression. Also, the thoughts frequency have gotten so high. It just literally jams its self in my brain. Before, I had some sort of control (at least a grip) but this days it’s so hard to try to get a grip. The unwanted feelings too? Omg, reactions that I literally can’t stand plagues me. My mind turns almost everything sexual. It’s crazy 🙃 Then the anxietyyyyyy! Wheew. I’m like a walking anxiety attack, my heart is always beating fast and it’s so painful. Working is so hard because I can’t get a grip, I feel so broken and I don’t think anyone can relate to this. I don’t know what I can do to help. Then the pressure in my head (that causes headache sometimes), sometimes I genuinely think I have a tumor! I’m pregnant so that makes it sadder, makes me wonder what kind of mother this beautiful soul is coming out here to meet. I don’t want to be a sad mother, and I cry more when I realize my child can feel what I feel rn in my belly😔. Another thing, the moment I don’t wanna do something, doesn’t even have to be anything bad. That’s when it feels my mind wants to force me to do it. It’s a whole lot and I’m just holding on to Jesus to help me out. At least he’s here so that’s comforting.

I just woke up from a really uncomfortable dream. While it's not the worst dream I've had, I can't stop thinking about how gross it's caused me to feel. I'm not sure if describing the dream in detail would be a compulsion, so I'll refrain from that. But, basically... in the dream (or nightmare), I offered a sexual service to some random man. The thing is, two of my family members were in the room while it happened, and there were certain points in the dream where they implied they had done similar things with this same man. I just feel disgusted and... violated? It's not real, and I understand it's just a dream, but still... :( I woke up feeling tainted.

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

I feel like I will never find a boyfriend. I have to many issues, with my ocd, my anxiety, self sabotage, fear, scars of commitment. Is he the right one is he not. I don’t know where this comes from but I feel like it has to do a lot with insecurity. I don’t like my body and I think I’m just big in every way. Nothing wrong with being bigger I just don’t feel confident this way. I’m tall and overweight and I feel so uncomfortable with the fact that one day I will get personal with someone you know. I think people around me think I’m gay becuase ive never had a boyfriend or any romantic connection at all, no hand holding or anything. I feel like a loser and everyone who knows I’ve never had a boyfriend just give me this ohhhh kinda look, like I’m hiding something. I hate it especially since I have Hocd . It definitely doesn’t help, at alllllllll. Im afraid I will always find fault or a reason not to like a guy. Ughhh I have a feeling I’m going to be single forever at this rate. It just all freaks me out, plus my friends try to get me with there friends and it feel forced and I hate it. All the guys that I like don’t like me and I can’t picture myself with them. Well I can’t picture myself with anyone unfortunately. Idk why it’s so easy for other people and not for me. What is wrong with me.

Can sexual orientation ocd make you act on your fears and make you have same sex experiences ever and then after the experience realize that’s not what you are or want?

This is my first post here, i'm personally struggling like ive never felt before. The human mind can be so powerful for the positive, and also for the negative. I let myself get walked on like a doormat by a woman I wanted to be with for years. I wanted to save her from the demons I knew surrounded her, but completely destroyed myself trying to do so. She finally gave me chance and it was an absolute nightmare. Ive been burned multiple times and have never once questioned my sexuality until she and I stopped "dating". I still have no desire to ever be with a man, but for some reason my mind has me judging everyone I look at and its exhausting. The future scares me, trying to decide what I want in life makes me stress, everything feels like its gone to hell. Im taking medicine for adhd which helps tremendously, but ive just never been in this place before. Full of trust issues, insecurities, self doubt, etc. i appreciate reading everyones posts and look forward to the day this is all behind me and im back to my "old" self.

I can't take it anymore, my OCD is stronger than ever, I have false memories almost every day, sexual ones, if it's not a false memory then intrusive thoughts that I'm gay, etc. When I was with my girlfriend, I had some false memories and intrusive thoughts, but you could almost say they weren't there then. And I really don't want these false memories and intrusive thoughts. I've had intrusive thoughts about my Buddy, my dad, and random people. Please help me It's like something evil is trying to control my thinking.

Whenever I see a picture of someone—whether they have attractive features or even if there’s no clear reason—I sometimes get this intrusive thought that feels like there’s a man in my head moaning or saying something sexual. It’s not always tied to someone being attractive; it can be triggered by seeing a child, a family member, or just about anyone. When this happens, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I wonder if I’m confusing that feeling with arousal, but it scares me because the experience feels so real. I know it sounds strange, but it genuinely feels like there’s someone else in my head making these noises or comments. This is especially confusing because I can acknowledge when someone is attractive, when a family member has nice features, or when a child is beautiful without any inappropriate intentions. But then I get stuck on the thought, and I start feeling like that “man” inside my head is actually me, which makes me feel even more unsettled. I don’t really know how to explain it better, but that’s how it feels. It’s immediate and intense. I don’t know if OCD can do this but it feels like real arousal. I am scared. Please help

I’m talking with this girl. I like her a lot. The problem I’m running into is I keep having what feels like attraction to the same sex, immediate intrusive thoughts about men. Looking at their faces/bodies. Thinking “they’re attractive” though I don’t want to think it but I do kind of feel it? I just don’t even know. I wish I could just desire the girl I’m talking to but this is taking away from that desire in huge ways due to the worry and distraction. Is wanting to know whether you’re actually gay or if it’s just soocd fooling you a normal difficulty for a straight man with ocd? If I am actually gay I’d like to know so I don’t waste her time and cut things off. I’m new to looking into this subtype. In the past I had major just right or perfection ocd, and contamination ocd. Would anyone be willing to give a quick summary of what soocd looks like? The thoughts? I guess I’m trying to know if there’s anyway I can figure out my sexuality or if the reality is ocd.

I have a fear of touching people inappropriately. When I was walking by someone, I intentionally thought a sexual thought, then I started wondering if it would make me move my hips, and then they moved a tiny bit. Obviously nothing happened. But I’m convinced that was me snapping. What I don’t understand is why the fuck I made a choice to think the thought. Usually I’m terrified of walking by people and try to pass them quickly. What could make me think the thought? I don’t even think the thought was about the person. I’m confused and scared

Struggling with some ROCD and SOOCD today. Ive been having thoughts like do i even know my boyfriend? Do I even love him? How do I actually know if i love him? How do i know if i know him that well? Would I connect with him more if he was a girl? How do i know? Feeling so much confusion and kind of dissociating when i really just want to enjoy our night together :(